freestyle Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 My fWS told neither of his two closest friends. With one, he acted as if he was the most devoted and loving husband in the world and we hung out together as couples. With the other, he distanced himself completely....to the point it was a concern for me and I questioned him about it. He always had some complaint, some petty aggravation. That friend was cheated on by his first wife early in the marriage with a good friend of his. The first friend mentioned no longer associates with us. Hey! he felt betrayed too! Tthe second friend called him an AZZHOLE for an entire year before he warmed up again. He was triggered big time by my H's actions. Understandable. So he started associating with all these low-life's....Married, separated or divorced men who went on the weekly prowl for new flesh. Wherever you feel most comfortable, no? Water seeks its own level, doesn't it? I can understand the friend's feeling betrayed--especially if they cared about you as well... I've had this happen twice recently in my social circle--where the men had been involved in long-term affairs, & I felt betrayed, too, on behalf of their wives (who were both friends of mine as well). A lot of us were shocked, since both couples seemed to be socializing together a lot, and seemed happy...... It's mind-blowing from a third-party point of view. (and for me, it was triggering as well....) 1
Coolit Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 During my A, I almost told my best friend. She no longer lives close but we talk on the phone once every other week or so. I didn't though, not because I thought she would tattle but because I didn't want to burden her with my deceit. The day after I confessed to my H, I told her.
William Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I Did'nt notice a lack of WS (wandering spouses?--is there a list of abbreviations you can direct me to) Please see this sticky thread in the Water Cooler for more Loveshack 'shorthand': http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand
Act Two Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I was very ashamed of what I was doing so I told no one for quite some time. Then I told a friend to help hold me accountable when I tried to end the affair. The affair was not finished at that point though as we later resumed contact. That friendship has never been the same. After stbx and I separated I confessed to two close friends what I had done and how I contributed to thd end of my marriage. I think they had suspected anyway.
compulsivedancer Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Thanks for replying. I think it's probably common for a WS not to want to talk to people until after the A has ended- that's why I noticed we don't have as many posts from them during an A as we do from OW/OM and BS. I'm glad to hear you are making progress and focusing on yourself, it must be a relief in a way to uncomplicate things, even if you miss someone? Sometimes I read and post on the OW/OM board- it's helpful to me to hear what they think and feel, even though I sometimes don't like it or agree with it. It helps me see the bigger picture of infidelity- I was kept in the dark for so long, living a completely imaginary life. I thought things were one way and surprise! They were a whole different way- I can't get truthful answers from the actual participants in my own life, so LS has been extremely helpful to me. I don't care if I hear things that are good bad happy terrible, whatever, as long as they are real. Thoughts and feelings and actions that really happened in the mind of a real WS are like priceless gold to me right now, while I am moving on with my life. Ill never know what my xbf was thinking. He will never tell me, and I don't care to ask anymore. Hence my curiosity. Anyway thanks for your help!! Did you feel during the A that you were improving your loneliness with your actions? Did the guilt/paranoia of being caught increase or decrease as the A progressed? Did you lie to the OW? About what? Why? I have millions of questions but if you or anyone else could start with those that would be so great. I think during an affair, a lot of WSs post as OW/OM. A lot of WSs are sleeping with a MM or MW and share both roles (WS and OP). After the affair, if they decide to R, then they start posting as WS. Also, being in an A is a pretty heady thing. Yes, I desperately needed someone to talk to, but I was afraid to say anything anywhere for fear that it would come back to me. And I didn't really want any help, because I didn't want anyone to expose me or talk me out of it. Once I was in R, once the $hit hit the fan, THEN I needed help. Then I needed to figure out what was going to happen, talk to people who'd been there, etc. I did not say anything to anyone during the affair. I didn't put much of anything in print, etc. Actually, the ONE thing I did put in print is what got me caught. BEFORE the affair, I told multiple people (4 or so, 3 of which had no contact with H whatsoever) that I was very attracted to OM, but once the affair started, I kept my mouth shut and only talked to AP about it. However, I had a friend who had an affair a few years back and she told our group of friends about it. We even went out together in a group with her AP once. He was just a sex object to her and she was to him (he hit on each of the girls there that night). I gave her crap for it, but I didn't really think of it as an affair, since it always seemed like her relationship with her SO/baby-daddy was up in the air. It never seemed to me that she and he were particularly serious and he treated her like crap. I kind of thought they were on a break, even though she characterized it as cheating. Later they got married and they are still together (despite him being physically abusive), so I guess I was wrong about that. Or maybe he's just her meal ticket. I do NOT understand their relationship.
compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't care if I hear things that are good bad happy terrible, whatever, as long as they are real. Thoughts and feelings and actions that really happened in the mind of a real WS are like priceless gold to me right now, while I am moving on with my life. Ill never know what my xbf was thinking. He will never tell me, and I don't care to ask anymore. Hence my curiosity. I'm happy to offer my thoughts and experiences if it helps. And feel from to PM me if you want. Did you feel during the A that you were improving your loneliness with your actions? Yes. H was very focused on his career. He is self-employed and enjoys his work, so it isn't like work for him. But it felt to me like he was taking out time from his busy schedule to throw me scraps sometimes. I spent much of my day talking to AP by text. There were probably lots of times that I spent more time with AP than H. However, as the affair progressed, I became more jealous and possessive of AP. I would get bored when he wasn't available or I couldn't talk to him because he was with his GF, and I was jealous that she got to be with him in public. I was starting to get lonely again as things progressed. I think before DDay, he was ready to take a break because I was getting too involved emotionally. It was a very complicated and conflicting knot of emotions. Did the guilt/paranoia of being caught increase or decrease as the A progressed? The paranoia increased, but I wasn't as concerned about being caught, because I had started to consider leaving H. I never felt particularly guilty about the A during the A. Did you lie to the OW? About what? Why? I told small lies. "I'm going to the store" when I was going to meet up with AP for an hour, THEN go to the store. I didn't really TELL a lie until he got paranoid toward the end and asked if anything was happening. Then I looked H in the eye and lied straight to his face. I remember I wrote a text to AP that said "I just lied to his face. I am a bad person." AP replied "I'm sorry." But that didn't change anything in the A. But what difference does it make? So I didn't tell a lot of lies TO HIM. Instead I lied by omission. Is there really a difference there? It's just as much of a betrayal. I have millions of questions but if you or anyone else could start with those that would be so great. You should start another thread with these questions so that they'll actually have a chance at getting answered.
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