Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 What does a WS say to his/her best friend during an active A? Since we don't hear much from WS's in active A's on LS, I was wondering if anyone here has been the best friend or confidante to one during their A? Most of the info I've heard about what WS's think and feel comes from BS's and OW/OM. I'm interested in hearing about the things the WS was saying to their best friend during the A. Not what they were telling the BS or OW/OM. Wondering if there is a third story in the saga. Anyone?
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Nothing.... ? The WS/best friend relationship must be like this: 1st RULE: You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB. 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB. 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 My xMM didn't tell anyone. He didn't have a best friend. He had siblings and he eventually told them when he was at breaking point. He broke down at a family event and had no choice, really, but to talk. Yes, this is from the OW p.o.v. but also the siblings spoke to me about it later. They were worried about him and upset he hadn't felt able to talk to them. He was too embarrassed.
LimeBlue Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I was a WS some years ago. I have one best friend, and yes I tell her everything. She knows the entire story, down to the gritty details of sex even. As for him (AP), I have no idea who he told, or has told since because we have been 100% NC for nearly six years.
Got it Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 What does a WS say to his/her best friend during an active A? Since we don't hear much from WS's in active A's on LS, I was wondering if anyone here has been the best friend or confidante to one during their A? Most of the info I've heard about what WS's think and feel comes from BS's and OW/OM. I'm interested in hearing about the things the WS was saying to their best friend during the A. Not what they were telling the BS or OW/OM. Wondering if there is a third story in the saga. Anyone? I was honest with my best friend when I was a WS and throughout the whole affair. While she didn't love the affair as she was worried about me she was supportive of me and my well-being. I had another very good friend, who was actually an OW well prior to me, who I was very upfront with. The dissimilarities between the two affairs really seemed to bother her and she was actually the most unsupportive of the relationship and him. I guess it triggered her because of the differences and the excuses she was getting from her MM. Anyway, long story short, due to a multitude of reasons, I stopped talking to her and have completely eliminated her from my life.
dichotomy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 My wife's ex best friend was her cheerleader and enabler for all wife's bad behavior. Needless to say, that ex best friend's communications with wife are limited to an occasional birthday or xmas card these days.
carhill Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 What does a WS say to his/her best friend during an active A? In my case, zippo, meaning I didn't share any details of my EA, or our M, with him and he and I had been friends for nearly 20 years at that point. However, I would find out from him, after our divorce, that my exW had been talking to him extensively during our M, about our marital business, which put him in an extremely awkward position so, wisely, he kept his mouth shut while we were married. Smart guy. That's why he's my best male friend. In the 'it's a small world' category of irony, I did once mention the name of my EA partner as a past acquaintance, which she was for many years, and did come to find out that he recognized her name and that she had dated one of his employees. We left it at that. I don't believe I've been a 'best friend' to any MW's I've known over my lifetime so can't really offer any revelations in that regard. Plenty used me for a 'sponge' back when I allowed that and I would hear many details of their M's and/or affairs (with others). I see that more as having been a convenient receptacle rather than a partner in the intimacies which true friends share or choose not to share. A few stated as much, that they couldn't 'tell anyone'. Interesting how that works.
So happy together Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 well, another angle is that I was/is his best friend. We confided in one another. He talked to his secretary about us, but was very vague (according to them).
waterwoman Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 H didn't tell anyone during. He got very close to losing his two closest friends because of his behaviour - he would go out with them and then spend the entire time texting. One of them stopped going out with him because he was starting to feel uncomfortable with things. After dday he told a few people - all of whom basically told he was a twat and he was very lucky I didn't kick him out. Even his little sister who loves the bones of him.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks everyone, that is all very interesting, because everyone involved in an affair seems to spill their guts to friends, online, analyzing every detail, EXCEPT the individual who is carrying on two relationships, the person who logically has the most to analyze. Someone said WS's don't post on here for advice because they get beat up and chased off, so I thought maybe they only talk to people IRL- but it seems like they share very little with others about the A- in comparison to BS and AP, who are searching for answers. Why is that?
janedoe67 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I did not tell any of my true best friends. I had one acquaintance who became a "besti the A because I knew she wouldn't tattle or judge (she had had A's of her own). One of the things I did after the A was to go NC with her as well. I didn't tell my longtime best friends because I KNEW they'd give me heck about it and probably tell my husband. I say that as a compliment to their character and as a testament to their care about me. 1
maxposte Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Someone said WS's don't post on here for advice because they get beat up and chased off, so I thought maybe they only talk to people IRL- but it seems like they share very little with others about the A- in comparison to BS and AP, who are searching for answers. Why is that? Ha! I didn't know that anyone said that! I may not have posted because I did get a lot of harsh (honest...but harsh...and definitely from many BS's.) Still, I am glad for all of the advice, even if it means I need to thicken my skin. I was a WS, and have been working hard since my relationship ended 3 months ago to work on myself, and hopefully ask for a second chance in the future. I think there are a few things I have learned about myself in the process of therapy and work to figure out what went wrong and how to be a more honest and healthy partner. First, I realize that I was extremely lonely before my affair started...I had friends, I had my partner, but I couldn't shake this very lonely feeling, and I felt isolated from my personal connections, so I wasn't talking much to anyone. Then, during the affair...pretty much immediately...I felt very ashamed and guilty. Even though I was feeling trapped, I knew that I would have to get out of it and get over my guilt...so I didn't really talk to people then either. The most awful thing is that I think subconsciously, the affair was an attempt (albeit a really pitiful decision) to ease my loneliness, but in actuality it made me more lonely overall. I hope this makes sense. 1
MsShelleH Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I Did'nt notice a lack of WS (wandering spouses?--is there a list of abbreviations you can direct me to) people werent so very mean to me in my post. thankfully... I have told one best friend everything, the complete truth
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I Did'nt notice a lack of WS (wandering spouses?--is there a list of abbreviations you can direct me to) people werent so very mean to me in my post. thankfully... I have told one best friend everything, the complete truth Most people here try to help and be supportive. I've only seen a few threads where people feel like they are being attacked. It's usually because someone gets emotional, triggered by something someone has said. Here is a list of abbreviations: LoveShack.org Community Forums - FAQ: Reading, posting, editing, and deleting messages
Realist3 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 What does a WS say to his/her best friend during an active A? Since we don't hear much from WS's in active A's on LS, I was wondering if anyone here has been the best friend or confidante to one during their A? Most of the info I've heard about what WS's think and feel comes from BS's and OW/OM. I'm interested in hearing about the things the WS was saying to their best friend during the A. Not what they were telling the BS or OW/OM. Wondering if there is a third story in the saga. Anyone? Not much. I have two friends I have told about the situation, and they are both good friends with my wife, and they really have no interest in talking about it. And I really don't want to talk about it very much. The one person who has been a sounding board has been my sister-in-law who was involved in a 15 year affair. Even with her it is been limited to a few discussions here and there... maybe 3 hours total between phone calls and texting. At the end of the day what is there really to talk about? There is no mystery to solve.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Ha! I didn't know that anyone said that! I may not have posted because I did get a lot of harsh (honest...but harsh...and definitely from many BS's.) Still, I am glad for all of the advice, even if it means I need to thicken my skin. I was a WS, and have been working hard since my relationship ended 3 months ago to work on myself, and hopefully ask for a second chance in the future. I think there are a few things I have learned about myself in the process of therapy and work to figure out what went wrong and how to be a more honest and healthy partner. First, I realize that I was extremely lonely before my affair started...I had friends, I had my partner, but I couldn't shake this very lonely feeling, and I felt isolated from my personal connections, so I wasn't talking much to anyone. Then, during the affair...pretty much immediately...I felt very ashamed and guilty. Even though I was feeling trapped, I knew that I would have to get out of it and get over my guilt...so I didn't really talk to people then either. The most awful thing is that I think subconsciously, the affair was an attempt (albeit a really pitiful decision) to ease my loneliness, but in actuality it made me more lonely overall. I hope this makes sense. Thanks for replying. I think it's probably common for a WS not to want to talk to people until after the A has ended- that's why I noticed we don't have as many posts from them during an A as we do from OW/OM and BS. I'm glad to hear you are making progress and focusing on yourself, it must be a relief in a way to uncomplicate things, even if you miss someone? Sometimes I read and post on the OW/OM board- it's helpful to me to hear what they think and feel, even though I sometimes don't like it or agree with it. It helps me see the bigger picture of infidelity- I was kept in the dark for so long, living a completely imaginary life. I thought things were one way and surprise! They were a whole different way- I can't get truthful answers from the actual participants in my own life, so LS has been extremely helpful to me. I don't care if I hear things that are good bad happy terrible, whatever, as long as they are real. Thoughts and feelings and actions that really happened in the mind of a real WS are like priceless gold to me right now, while I am moving on with my life. Ill never know what my xbf was thinking. He will never tell me, and I don't care to ask anymore. Hence my curiosity. Anyway thanks for your help!! Did you feel during the A that you were improving your loneliness with your actions? Did the guilt/paranoia of being caught increase or decrease as the A progressed? Did you lie to the OW? About what? Why? I have millions of questions but if you or anyone else could start with those that would be so great. 1
MsShelleH Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 thanks...i did find a post of abbreviations.. most people have been very nice. I dont know a single person who did wander...and was not conflicted about it. ITS WRONG!!! no matter what, bottom line...its wrong. sometimes it just gets to be too big to ignore, resist...and then handle of course.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Not much. I have two friends I have told about the situation, and they are both good friends with my wife, and they really have no interest in talking about it. And I really don't want to talk about it very much. The one person who has been a sounding board has been my sister-in-law who was involved in a 15 year affair. Even with her it is been limited to a few discussions here and there... maybe 3 hours total between phone calls and texting. At the end of the day what is there really to talk about? There is no mystery to solve. I think you are an anomolie, you don't fit into the bell curve of WS behavior because you have already done an extraordinary amount of analysis on the topic- so even though you are in active A, you aren't confused or conflicted about it, or in denial. It's more interesting to debate with you about social issues and have you tell me I'm talking nonsense Hmm, what happened to that thread, anyway? 1
Realist3 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I think you are an anomolie, you don't fit into the bell curve of WS behavior because you have already done an extraordinary amount of analysis on the topic- so even though you are in active A, you aren't confused or conflicted about it, or in denial. It's more interesting to debate with you about social issues and have you tell me I'm talking nonsense Hmm, what happened to that thread, anyway? lol... point taken. In all seriousness, there are times I wish I could talk about it, and it is not really because of any advice I'm seeking. It's more like I would like everyone to know we are together. Kind of a "I'm really proud." I'm on a vacation right now and it is killing me that I'm not sharing it with her.
wanting more Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I was a WS (OW). My sister, brother and good friend knew about my A while it was going on. I did tell a couple friends after, and also my Bosses (didn't know if xMM BS or my BSO would do it so i told first). My sister actually met xMM.
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 What does a WS say to his/her best friend during an active A? Since we don't hear much from WS's in active A's on LS, I was wondering if anyone here has been the best friend or confidante to one during their A? Most of the info I've heard about what WS's think and feel comes from BS's and OW/OM. I'm interested in hearing about the things the WS was saying to their best friend during the A. Not what they were telling the BS or OW/OM. Wondering if there is a third story in the saga. Anyone? In my own...horrible to say, one of his ruses to come see me was using one of his bestfriends who lived in the same city as me.This friend was willing to play accomplice. He was willing to say he was visiting him, when she called she'd call him on his friend's phone and his friend would call me, ask for him, then conference the call so it seemed like he was with him smh. His other friends also knew and he introduced me to them. It was a very weird sickening thing on one hand but I turned a blind eye in order to participate. In his case, it was cultural as well...where it is assumed this is what men do and it is the duty of their friends to lie for them and assist them in this smh. Not everyone is like this and some men do have friends who would advise them against it, but in his case, his friends not only turned a blind eye but assisted him...which made it worse!
GreySkyMorning Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Xmm told his best friend of many years about it. Of course, I don't know what all what involved in the conversations, just that he knew. After we broke up at one point and had been NC for a few days, I suddenly got a fb message from the best friend saying "call me" with his phone number. I called immediately concerned that something had happened to MM. Turns out he had found out we broke up and he just wanted to come onto me. Xmm said the whole time that I was his best friend though and the only one he could talk to about everything, not just us.
Got it Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Thanks for replying. I think it's probably common for a WS not to want to talk to people until after the A has ended- that's why I noticed we don't have as many posts from them during an A as we do from OW/OM and BS. I'm glad to hear you are making progress and focusing on yourself, it must be a relief in a way to uncomplicate things, even if you miss someone? Sometimes I read and post on the OW/OM board- it's helpful to me to hear what they think and feel, even though I sometimes don't like it or agree with it. It helps me see the bigger picture of infidelity- I was kept in the dark for so long, living a completely imaginary life. I thought things were one way and surprise! They were a whole different way- I can't get truthful answers from the actual participants in my own life, so LS has been extremely helpful to me. I don't care if I hear things that are good bad happy terrible, whatever, as long as they are real. Thoughts and feelings and actions that really happened in the mind of a real WS are like priceless gold to me right now, while I am moving on with my life. Ill never know what my xbf was thinking. He will never tell me, and I don't care to ask anymore. Hence my curiosity. Anyway thanks for your help!! Did you feel during the A that you were improving your loneliness with your actions? Did the guilt/paranoia of being caught increase or decrease as the A progressed? Did you lie to the OW? About what? Why? I have millions of questions but if you or anyone else could start with those that would be so great. I think you have to look at the gender breakdown on the relationship topics in general. You are are not going to see as many men as you will see women. I think that plays a big piece. For my husband/dMM when he found out about his wife's affair he never thought to seek out an online forum. So when he was a WS it didn't cross his mind either. I would say that even on normal relationship topics, not a huge conversationalist especially outside of his SO. He and his friends will discuss sports, work, more work, friends ribbing, etc. but don't get into the nitty gritty. It just isn't something that appeals to them. My ex husband was the same. He would be the most open with his SO but did not discuss matters of the heart with same sex friends.
bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I know my MM has told at least one person. I don't think he's told all the sordid details, but has shown a pic and made it know to his friend that we had gotten together. I am the best friend of a WS. She tells me everything about her affairs (she's a serial cheater). (Really more than I want to know.) I encourage counseling, talking to her spouse, leaving her spouse if she feels the need to continue, etc. I'm sure my advice is nothing to her these days, though.
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 My fWS told neither of his two closest friends. With one, he acted as if he was the most devoted and loving husband in the world and we hung out together as couples. With the other, he distanced himself completely....to the point it was a concern for me and I questioned him about it. He always had some complaint, some petty aggravation. That friend was cheated on by his first wife early in the marriage with a good friend of his. The first friend mentioned no longer associates with us. Hey! he felt betrayed too! Tthe second friend called him an AZZHOLE for an entire year before he warmed up again. He was triggered big time by my H's actions. Understandable. So he started associating with all these low-life's....Married, separated or divorced men who went on the weekly prowl for new flesh. Wherever you feel most comfortable, no?
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