Introduction - Brand New To Dating - 25 y/o Programmer With Aspergers

[shyguy321]

Hello everyone. Sorry if this is in the wrong forum btw. Here's an introduction to what is quite possibly the hardest love-challenge the world has experienced. But hey, I'm ready to begin the journey!!

 

I am a 25 year old male with mild Asperger's Syndrome. For most of my life, I was a loner who was (and still is) afraid of creeping people out - I'll admit I have done this in the past unintentionally. While this has led me to be a "no-lifer", I still have great pride over the fact that I have a clean record in life (such as no criminal record).

 

I am an ASP.NET MVC web developer, and a geek in the purest form. This means I can do a better job explaining the mechanics of an online dating site than I can actually using it to date (as weird as that sounds).

 

So what made me decide to do dating? Being someone with Aspergers, I started my life pretty extroverted (and I still can be at times). But as I found it hard to make friends during my youth, I became very introverted very fast. I still am very introverted especially to people I don't know. Needless to say, to someone like me, short-term relationships and silly games lead to nothing but agony and other problems in the end.

 

Since I didn't have any friends, I relied on my parents for social support. In college, I had virtual friends when I played Runescape, but I recently quit. In fact, I was in the top monster-fighting clan in the entire game. So, I went back to relying on my parents regarding social support for a few months. Then they went on vacation for a few months and I got lonely; I learned I cannot rely on my parents all the time (especially since I don't live with them). And so here I am at the beginning of this journey.

 

I have come here to seek wisdom from the experts of dating (both online and offline).

 

FEW OTHER FUN FACTS:

 

I have other interests aside from gaming (I went gold mining, white water rafting etc.), but I really haven't had as much time to do them. I would love to do them again.

 

I sometimes unintentionally do it, but I HATE BRAGGERS. I don't mind compliments, but saying you are better than someone else is an ultimate low. Besides, if you say "I'm smarter than you, dumbass.", don't you think you could say that in a more intelligent manner?

 

I know dating is risky, but for the most part I also hate taking risks. For instance, I always try to avoid posting info that could make someone here recognize who I am in real life.

Edited July 30, 2013 by shyguy321

[Tk123]

This may be one of the few times I suggest possibly starting by online dating? If you went down this route, it would make you more comfortable with the person before actually meeting; as you mentioned somewhere in your post that you are extremely introverted when it comes to meeting strangers.

 

On a side note, those video games are the worst for your social growth. I know it for a fact because I've been in the same situation with those games. They are VERY time consuming, and take away a lot of your free time that you could be using to socialize and get out. Not saying you shouldn't play video games at all, but I know how time consuming some of them can be especially the one you mentioned.

 

Virtual friends are alright, I made quite a few of them when I played those games. We would get on Skype and chat for hours, but believe me nothing is better than meeting people in person.

 

You mentioned you're a programmer. Is this something you do by yourself or do you work with a group of people? If you work for a company, have you considered hanging out with your coworkers? That would be one way to ease you in, and could possibly help you branch out and meet new people.

 

Those are just some of my suggestions, I wasn't exactly sure what kind of advice specifically you're looking for. Hope this helped.

[shyguy321]

Thanks for the ideas, I really appreciate them.

 

The school I went to was actually a nerdy school. Virtually no girls in that place. I'm sure you can guess which school this is . It was there I decided to give the game a try, and play it. Needless to say, I am not afraid to Skype with someone - even a girl. And should the Skype go well, I'm not afraid to meet them in real life.

 

I actually just started online dating like two weeks ago. I'm pretty sure the profile isn't all that great - one of the things I hope I can get from this place is a nice polishing of the profile as well as ideas for new photos (there are almost no photographs of me on the 'net). I'm still wary of sending messages to strangers, and I probably always will be - I hate creeping people out. But even so, I occasionally do. And when I do, I put great thought into those messages.

 

I do work with others, but considering they are all married and have kids (I'm actually one of the youngest people there), I don't think hanging out with coworkers is much of an option. But I do get along with them quite well.

 

EDIT: When I mentioned I was a loner, it was by choice. I was perfectly happy (and for the most part I still am) the way I am.

Edited July 30, 2013 by shyguy321

[davyvfr]

You obviously mentioned you like gaming. Have you tried attending a game developers conference? You can definetly relate to others on this level.

[Arabella]

The school I went to was actually a nerdy school. Virtually no girls in that place. I'm sure you can guess which school this is .

 

MIT perhaps?

[shyguy321]

MIT perhaps?

 

haha very close. RIT. MY program was like 90% dudes and 10% women (many of both were international students as well).

 

You obviously mentioned you like gaming. Have you tried attending a game developers conference? You can definetly relate to others on this level.

 

I don't want to limit my options to geeky women. I wouldn't mind learning other interests as I have learned life is not just about games. I checked out some of the geeky sites and there 10x men as there are women. Not gonna pay for that. I probably ALREADY spoke to more people on a site like match (2 in 2 weeks - still speaking to one?) than I ever will on a site like that.

 

EDIT: I also want to add I am getting therapy (I don't have any issues with self-esteem etc but I do want to strengthen my weak points).

Edited July 31, 2013 by shyguy321

[Eggplant]

Maybe in therapy they could coach you to learn some social practices that come naturally to most people. My aunt is married to a man with Asperger's, and he, for example, walks about 30 yards ahead of a group, and in front of his wife, which causes people who don't know him to feel as though he is rude. Idle chit chat, frequent hugs, walking together, it really can just be learned by rote, particularly if your partner knows your situation. Good luck.

[shyguy321]

therapy is a great idea and i already have it planned (with someone who works with people with my syndrome).

 

aside from therapy/OLD is there anything else I can do? this is a journey I'm willing to put all my strength in. I'm never going to give up.

[ThaWholigan]

therapy is a great idea and i already have it planned (with someone who works with people with my syndrome).

 

aside from therapy/OLD is there anything else I can do? this is a journey I'm willing to put all my strength in. I'm never going to give up.

You can do what I did and expose yourself to situations in unforgiving environments. I have an Asperger's diagnosis (I do have a high functioning autism diagnosis also) and due to being a musician have had to be in situations far outside my comfort zone. I socialized more, and experienced many sensory overloads too.

 

It's one alternative - you don't have to take it up like I did, you can go slower.