abomb Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Alright, here it goes. We broke up yesterday, after 2 years together. We're both 24, and both done with school. To be completely honest, I never would have described the relationship as perfect, but we enjoyed each others company and shared a large number of interests. She was very committed to the relationship, and for the majority of the two years I was quite sure that she felt more strongly than I did. After about 6 months together, I made the decision to move to New York (we're from New Mexico) to pursue writing and filmmaking. A year down the road, that move is coming up, and I had yet to ask her to come with me. The reasons I gave myself were obvious: my career is going to be unpredictable and I don't know where a serious relationship fits into it, I'm moving to pursue a dream and she's moving to be with me, etc etc. Yesterday, the reason for us breaking up, she asked me if I had any intention of asking her to come, and I said I couldn't do it, so that was that. She didn't give me an ultimatum, but it was clear that she needed to know that I was as sure about the relationship as she was, and I just didn't feel that way. The scene was pretty brutal. We were both crying, it took me forever to leave, and as soon as I walked out the door I completely broke down. And I could hear it was the same for her from outside. We had conversations about the move multiple times, and more than once it almost came to us breaking up because I struggled to see the pragmatism in taking her across the country. I wasn't excited for us to breakup by any means, but I NEVER expected to feel the way I do. The last 24 hours have been the absolute worst of my entire life. I know that probably sounds like gratuitous exaggeration, but I've genuinely never felt this way. No breakup has made feel even a fraction of the sadness, guilt, and hysteria that I've been cycling through for the last day. The thought of her feeling as bad or worse than this is absolutely crushing, and on top of all that I'm constantly fighting the feeling that I made an extraordinary mistake. And that's where I get so bogged down. This was a 2 year relationship where we never even discussed moving in together- because of me. We took ages to start saying "I love you."- because of me. I was constantly holding her and the relationship at arm's length, and I always told myself it was because we weren't a perfect match or I was leaving and it didn't make sense for her to come. And now, within minutes of us breaking up, all I could remember were all the times she treated me well, and all the times I could have tried harder. All she wanted from me was to be as sure as she was, and now that we've broken up I've convinced myself that the only reason I wasn't is because I wouldn't let myself be. Assuming that's true, I wonder if I was refusing to accept her love because we truly weren't perfect for each other, or because I'm instinctually afraid of commitment. If that's the case, then what reason is there to believe that I won't do the same thing next time? Or worse, that I just let the best girl I've ever dated slip through my fingers because I couldn't make myself make her a priority? I'm self-aware enough to see where I made mistakes and where our relationship had flaws, but what if what she and I had is as good as it gets? We loved each other, and she made a better person, but because she wasn't as intellectually curious as me (or whatever other stupid flaw I dwelled on), I allowed myself to float passively through a relationship with a woman that loved me unconditionally. I know that guilt and regret and embarrassment and sadness are part of this whole process, but I'm feeling so profoundly affected that it's impossible for me not to think that all the problems we had were just a result of me not making a greater effort, because I KNOW I could have. It was not an equitable relationship in terms of emotional investment, and it was my fault. The whole thing is turning into an existential maze that I can't figure out how to get out of, and I'm desperate just to talk to someone who has had the experience of leaving a relationship and suddenly feeling exponentially more love towards the person, more patience for the problems that were never adequately addressed before, and most of all, that allowing her to go was an epic mistake. I feel like I suddenly have all this clarity, but I can't tell if it's legitimate understanding of myself and the relationship or just me desperately trying to fill a sudden void of loneliness and insecurity. Is it typical to immediately want to return to the relationship and "make it work"? Is it normal to feel so much dread and cynicism about having let the relationship die? Is it stupid for me to think that I could do better and that it trying could be worth it? Will I just fall into the exact same cycle of stagnation and neglect or is it possible that I've had a real epiphany and am capable of change? The absolute last thing I want is to go back to her thinking that I'm unique, that the way I'm feeling must MEAN something, and then find that I'm exactly the same person, with exactly the same feelings towards her, and thus make it that much harder for everyone. Worst of all, if that process involves her moving to New York with me before I realize I was just succumbing to feelings EVERYONE has after breaking up, I would never forgive myself. I'm sorry for the huge post, but I'm really scrambling for something to hold on to here, and I've completely lost my ability to find reason or logic in any of it. I've talked to friends and family and despite trying, none of them have helpful insight to my specific problem. A big thanks to anyone who has any thoughts for me, especially if you can relate to my strange situation. Thanks, Adam
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