pyramid Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Two months is a bit long... I generally put the brakes on the 'benefits' once I meet someone who has potential. However, I don't think this makes her a hypocrite. Sex in a new relationship has all kinds of expectations (for women mostly, I would guess) that aren't an issue with fwb. Basically, the new relationship isn't good enough to replace what she's got going on. If I were the op, I'd be outta there because if I wasn't good enough for her, she's not good enough for me.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 it isn't cool, f*ck the exclusivity arguement. i'd say it's safe to assume this girl was at least being kissed/fondled by OP during this two month period..? if they were just talking on the phone or getting to know eachother as penpals the whole time that's one thing but when you're going on dates that puts sh*t in "we're spending time together not simply as friends or peers but as two people who see romantic potential with eachother" territory. i find it very plausible that as someone suggested- her fwb was/is really a guy she's into who won't commit to or formally date her. so she was feeling out other options as to not feel like a fool, but still dug getting bent over by her "buddy" while she fully ascertained whether OP was gonna be a worthwhile shot for a replacement cock. 1
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Two months is a bit long... I generally put the brakes on the 'benefits' once I meet someone who has potential. However, I don't think this makes her a hypocrite. Sex in a new relationship has all kinds of expectations (for women mostly, I would guess) that aren't an issue with fwb. Basically, the new relationship isn't good enough to replace what she's got going on. If I were the op, I'd be outta there because if I wasn't good enough for her, she's not good enough for me. Excuse me? That DOESN'T make her a hypocrite??? She said I'm not that kind of girl while secretly having an FWB. That's hypocritical and intentionally deceptive.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Uh yeah if this is true, it's totally trashy. I would be PISSED if I found out my bf was banging some other girl while dating me and telling me "I am not that kinda guy". Just no. You don't date someone for TWO MONTHS while still screwing someone else. If it happened around like dates 1-3, fine I guess, but beyond that? Grody. And rude. And if you are dating ME and still wanna fk someone ELSE then you just aren't that into me. I can't even IMAGINE dating a guy for 2 months straight and still fking someone else. Not cool. Couldn't have said it any better. I couldn't possibly take a person like this seriously. 4
Babolat Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Everyone who's posted about her having done nothing wrong is only focusing on the non-exclusivity part. In my opinion, she DID do something wrong when she portrayed herself as being "not like that" and wanting to wait for an emotional connection before sex. Although she didn't exactly lie, I'd expect someone who gave me that line to also declare that they're having casual sex with someone on the side, because it's pretty contradictory. Probably the reason she didn't is because she knew it would sound like BS - "I want to wait for sex with you because I like you and want to get to know you - but I'm gonna make sure I get my fix elsewhere in the meantime". Yeah, I agree..I would have an issue with this girl pretending to be one way with me yet sleeping with a friend. Not sure this is one I could personally move past..kind of a questionable character/value/morals kind of thing. And, you posted, so it's bugging you. And it's OK for it to bug you. My ex gf was the first woman in my lif who told me she would not sleep with me until she knew we were exclusive...first time I ever heard anyone bring that up..she earned a lot of points for saying that.
Imajerk17 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Hahahaha. I remember the last time something like this came up and how it charged up LS something fierce. You know a topic is a really good one when there are all these spin-off threads from it. You know a topic is a GREAT one when all those spin-off threads end up getting locked! The problem as I see it isn't that it took the woman 2 months to sleep with this guy. It's fine if she just wasn't that into him at first. The problem as I see it isn't even that the woman had lots of casual sex. The main problem as I see it is that the woman misrepresented herself. It's the main problem to us guys, in this thread and in all the other threads similar to this one, and it is what we guys have been trying to get you women to see. Women, when you meet Mr Right, it just doesn't pay to try to come across as Ms Conservative when you were Ms Wild One. See, when Mr Right finds out he will be pissed. (Even if she hadn't misrepresented herself that way, I do think her having an FWB for a whole two months while seeing this guy is quite uncool too. I can see some grey here though...) I'm not saying that the reason why this woman held off having sex with the OP is because she viewed him as "special". Maybe she just wasn't that into him. In that case though, she could just keep turning down his advances saying that she just wasn't ready to have sex with him yet. Which would have been a lot more honest than saying "I'm not that type of girl". Edited July 30, 2013 by Imajerk17 3
ThaWholigan Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Hahahaha. I remember the last time something like this came up and how it charged up LS something fierce. You know a topic is a really good one when there are all these spin-off threads from it. You know a topic is a GREAT one when all those spin-off threads end up getting locked! The problem as I see it isn't that it took the woman 2 months to sleep with this guy. It's fine if she just wasn't that into him at first. The problem as I see it isn't even that the woman had lots of casual sex. The main problem as I see it is that the woman misrepresented herself. It's the main problem to us guys, in this thread and in all the other threads similar to this one, and it is what we guys have been trying to get you women to see. Women, when you meet Mr Right, it just doesn't pay to try to come across as Ms Conservative when you were Ms Wild One. See, when Mr Right finds out he will be pissed. (Even if she hadn't misrepresented herself that way, I do think her having an FWB for a whole two months while seeing this guy is quite uncool too. I can see some grey here though...) I'm not saying that the reason why this woman held off having sex with the OP is because she viewed him as "special". Maybe she just wasn't that into him. In that case though, she could just keep turning down his advances saying that she just wasn't ready to have sex with him yet. Which would have been a lot more honest than saying "I'm not that type of girl". I actually somewhat agree. Putting on that facade is problematic in the long run. I think the question is why such a facade is put up in the first place? 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Hahahaha. I remember the last time something like this came up and how it charged up LS something fierce. You know a topic is a really good one when there are all these spin-off threads from it. You know a topic is a GREAT one when all those spin-off threads end up getting locked! The problem as I see it isn't that it took the woman 2 months to sleep with this guy. It's fine if she just wasn't that into him at first. The problem as I see it isn't even that the woman had lots of casual sex. The main problem as I see it is that the woman misrepresented herself. It's the main problem to us guys, in this thread and in all the other threads similar to this one, and it is what we guys have been trying to get you women to see. Women, when you meet Mr Right, it just doesn't pay to try to come across as Ms Conservative when you were Ms Wild One. See, when Mr Right finds out he will be pissed. (Even if she hadn't misrepresented herself that way, I do think her having an FWB for a whole two months while seeing this guy is quite uncool too. I can see some grey here though...) I'm not saying that the reason why this woman held off having sex with the OP is because she viewed him as "special". Maybe she just wasn't that into him. In that case though, she could just keep turning down his advances saying that she just wasn't ready to have sex with him yet. Which would have been a lot more honest than saying "I'm not that type of girl". Hence why I don't think this dude is for real. It's weird to me how much this gets posted on LS, when in real life, I never hear of such dilemmas.
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm waiting for the part when people realize the op has 2 posts to his name. And has not came back since. 2
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The big issue is that she was making you wait because she wasn't like that but she was like that with an FWB which means that you didn't make her wet. Ouch man.:lmao:
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 From a female perspective one of a couple of things were going on (most already posted but I will summarize) 1) she had a guy she liked but accepted the FWB, but continued to date. Actually hoping that guy 1 would wake up. He didn't so she moved on to OP. 2) she and guy 1 have an exclusive FWB arrangement (no sex with anyone else) that terminates only if one party or the other decides they want to have sex with a new person. She waited until she was sure about OP. Ok...that's all I got. Key questions... She stopped sleeping with guy 1 before starting with OP...who terminated the FWB arrangement? That would make a difference. Are they still hanging out or was it just sex? I agree she used or implied misleading info...did she say those words or some others? Why? Getting to know someone before having sex...ok that's a good idea, there are some creepy peeps out there. Serial sexual monogamy, ok...that's good too. She should have explained her situation better, starting off with lies is not good. This is female logic, not male logic...I have seen the threads where you think that if a girl gives it up on the first date, every other relationship's validity is judged on that timeline.....but he wanted to know what she was likely to say... And by the way....I vote for #1, sorry OP.
jcrew11 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 If her old FWB is an old friend who just won't commit to her. Usually its the guy who wants a casual FWB while looking for something better, so this girl is the "backup plan" and she is just waiting for him to commit to her. Now, if she likes you better, then she has to dump this FWB and commit to being monogamous with you. But I think she secretly has strong feelings for her FWB, who she has known a lot longer then you.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I actually somewhat agree. Putting on that facade is problematic in the long run. I think the question is why such a facade is put up in the first place? I think women who are promiscuous or even just enjoy casual sex feel ashamed at times because they think they'll be seen as pushovers for male attention who don't have enough going for themselves to be patient waiting between quality or committed partners. Like outsiders might think they derive a large amount of their personal value from the pleasure they give men. Goes the same way for males, but for better or worse, they have a biological urge to non-discriminantly spread semen while the female role is to only accept the top-of-the-line suitors as she can only get pregnant so often. Birth control and the advanced human brain allow us to separate pleasure from reproduction but women still feel that guilt. I think the main distinction to make is whether the female is having casual sex because she wants the physical feeling, or because it increases her sense of personal worth to pleasure and feel desired by a man. I'm not a "slut shaming" type- people can do whatever they want- buuut girls with the latter motivation usually come across as pretty pathetic. On the other hand, an independent woman with her own sh*t going on who just wants to orgasm on something that's not plastic- more power to her. Edited July 30, 2013 by RogerWallace111
pyramid Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Excuse me? That DOESN'T make her a hypocrite??? She said I'm not that kind of girl while secretly having an FWB. That's hypocritical and intentionally deceptive. Op said she said she "wasn't into going to bed too fast." I totally get not wanting to sleep with a virtual stranger, someone you haven't known very long. Maybe she's done it in the past and got burned. Maybe she has always felt that way. We don't know. I still don't think it's cool.
Babolat Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Man here: why can't a woman just have casual sex, like some men do (I do not) and there not be 2000+ posts here about it? My bro, and he is not not bragging, thinks he has been with 300+ women. I can promise you the majority of them were just looking for good sex and not a relationship. Where's the foul there? Woman LIKE SEX TOO! My ex gf told me a couple of months into dating that there was a period of about 6 years in her mid 30's where she was focused on her career and raising her daugher. She had come out of 2 bad relationships. She did not want a serious relationship. She dated, had sex, and was honest with the men that she was not looking for love or a LTR; yet she enjoyed the sex. I have never had an issue with this with her. She likes sex; hell, I love having sex with her! 2
Babolat Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 From a female perspective one of a couple of things were going on (most already posted but I will summarize) 1) she had a guy she liked but accepted the FWB, but continued to date. Actually hoping that guy 1 would wake up. He didn't so she moved on to OP. 2) she and guy 1 have an exclusive FWB arrangement (no sex with anyone else) that terminates only if one party or the other decides they want to have sex with a new person. She waited until she was sure about OP. Ok...that's all I got. Key questions... She stopped sleeping with guy 1 before starting with OP...who terminated the FWB arrangement? That would make a difference. Are they still hanging out or was it just sex? I agree she used or implied misleading info...did she say those words or some others? Why? Getting to know someone before having sex...ok that's a good idea, there are some creepy peeps out there. Serial sexual monogamy, ok...that's good too. She should have explained her situation better, starting off with lies is not good. This is female logic, not male logic...I have seen the threads where you think that if a girl gives it up on the first date, every other relationship's validity is judged on that timeline.....but he wanted to know what she was likely to say... And by the way....I vote for #1, sorry OP. I vote for #1 too.
Author JustCluedIn Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 So according to some women's responses, it was OK for her to be having sex with a friends with benefits while she was dating me and telling me that she "wasn't that kind of girl" .....because....."we wwere getting to know each other?" OK, I guess that's a point of view. By the way, alot of you mentioned the ALMIGHTY "exclusivity talk." To this day, we have not had an exclusivity talk. We were seeing each other multiple times a week from the very beginning. So while she was being "not that kind of girl" with me over two months of dating, she was getting it from the fwb all the way through. Not cool. Whoever it was who said I've been played for a fool is right - even if it hurts to admit it.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She did not want a serious relationship. She dated, had sex, and was honest with the men that she was not looking for love or a LTR; yet she enjoyed the sex. I did something similar a while back, at a time when I wasn't ready for something lasting, but had been alone for quite some time and was about to die from lack of sex. I was 100% honest with my 2 casual sex partners during that time about wanting sex and light fun only, and never wavered from that. But I think it's wrong if you're not up front about this, if you're having sex with one person casually while pretending to consider someone else seriously. I couldn't sit there on a date with one guy knowing I had just banged some other guy and would be doing the same soon after. I just couldn't bring myself to waste somebody's time and emotional energy like that. I would feel like a complete fraud. 4
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Op said she said she "wasn't into going to bed too fast." I totally get not wanting to sleep with a virtual stranger, someone you haven't known very long. Maybe she's done it in the past and got burned. Maybe she has always felt that way. We don't know. I still don't think it's cool. She had no problem getting into bed with her FWB too quickly. Then she has the nerve to intentionally deceive him by saying she's not that type of girl when she clearly is. This is why you push for sex early. I'm a lover first, provider second. I'm not investing time and resources while she's putting out for someone else until we're "exclusive". 1
Woggle Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I did something similar a while back, at a time when I wasn't ready for something lasting, but had been alone for quite some time and was about to die from lack of sex. I was 100% honest with my 2 casual sex partners during that time about wanting sex and light fun only, and never wavered from that. But I think it's wrong if you're not up front about this, if you're having sex with one person casually while pretending to consider someone else seriously. I couldn't sit there on a date with one guy knowing I had just banged some other guy and would be doing the same soon after. I just couldn't bring myself to waste somebody's time and emotional energy like that. I would feel like a complete fraud. Exactly. I wish some people would let go of the kneejerk need to defend their own gender and look at the facts here. 3
Drseussgrrl Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I did something similar a while back, at a time when I wasn't ready for something lasting, but had been alone for quite some time and was about to die from lack of sex. I was 100% honest with my 2 casual sex partners during that time about wanting sex and light fun only, and never wavered from that. But I think it's wrong if you're not up front about this, if you're having sex with one person casually while pretending to consider someone else seriously. I couldn't sit there on a date with one guy knowing I had just banged some other guy and would be doing the same soon after. I just couldn't bring myself to waste somebody's time and emotional energy like that. I would feel like a complete fraud. I agree with this. If you're just looking to ho around, then own it. But I think this has a lot less to do with the act of sex itself and more so completely misrepresenting yourself to someone you're dating. It's the dishonesty. Then again I still doubt this story is real, and designed to turn into a 20-page thread that these topics undoubtedly end up doing. Edited July 30, 2013 by Drseussgrrl
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So according to some women's responses, it was OK for her to be having sex with a friends with benefits while she was dating me and telling me that she "wasn't that kind of girl" .....because....."we wwere getting to know each other?" OK, I guess that's a point of view. By the way, alot of you mentioned the ALMIGHTY "exclusivity talk." To this day, we have not had an exclusivity talk. We were seeing each other multiple times a week from the very beginning. So while she was being "not that kind of girl" with me over two months of dating, she was getting it from the fwb all the way through. Not cool. Whoever it was who said I've been played for a fool is right - even if it hurts to admit it. Just for clarification, I don't think it's right, I was just telling you what she might be using as "girly logic" Starting any relationship with a lie, a fib, a lie of omission, colors everything with a wash of icky.
oldshirt Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I think you have the right to feel that you were duped and played a fool. She was holding you at arms length under the guise of "not being that kind of woman" while in fact she IS that kind of woman, just not with you. She was getting her sexual needs met and getting her love'n while she was telling you to take cold showers for months. This duality likely comes down to she wanted to have a nice little beta boy to buy her gifts and take her places and compliment her and give her strokes and someone who her grandma would approve of but then behind your back she was banging dudes who she was actually attracted to and desired. This goes on in the world and goes on a lot actually. It's not just you, this happens quite a bit, she just happened to get busted. Not sure if I have any real advice here other than to say that you have the right to your feelings and if you can't reconcile your feelings and get over this you are justified in letting her go.
BradJacobs Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 By the way, alot of you mentioned the ALMIGHTY "exclusivity talk." To this day, we have not had an exclusivity talk. We were seeing each other multiple times a week from the very beginning. So while she was being "not that kind of girl" with me over two months of dating, she was getting it from the fwb all the way through. Not cool. Whoever it was who said I've been played for a fool is right - even if it hurts to admit it. So did a great bj from her fix this? I'm just trying to figure out which situations that rule applies to and which ones it doesn't. All joking aside, mate, use her back. She set the template for how things would be. Apparently if you don't spell things out with no room for interpretation she's always going to take advantage of the situation. Why should you be any different with the way that you treat her?
veggirl Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 No one with half a brain would think it's okay to date someone (multiple times a week) for 2 mos and still be ****ing a FWB. I don't know how anyone can defend this chick. She is shady as hell. 3
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