JustCluedIn Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Hi ladies.I’m posting here cause I wanted to find a forum that was primarily female. My situation is not a huge deal since I’ve only known this girl for about sixmonths but I am pissed so I’m curious as to what your responses will be. Here’s the deal real quick. Met a girl. We got along well. Thought she was “nice” so nottoo fussed when she held out on having sex. Said she wasn’t into going to bedtoo fast, said she wasn’t like that. OK. No problem. Took us about 2 months toget to it. I have just found out that while “we were getting to know each other for twomonths” she had ongoing sex with a “friends with benefits.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt andsay she stopped with him when we stated having sex BUT she was having sex with him for two months while telling me she wanted to take it slow with me cause that’s the way she is etc. We all know the end game here but I have not yet confronted her with this. BeforeI do I want to be prepared. I’d like your ideas of how she’ll respond so that I have good counters to her justifications / explanations – whatever they may be. I really appreciate females’ views on this. Thanks. Edited July 29, 2013 by JustCluedIn 2
Drseussgrrl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hi ladies.I’m posting here cause I wanted to find a forum that was primarily female. My situation is not a huge deal since I’ve only known this girl for about sixmonths but I am pissed so I’m curious as to what your responses will be. Here’s the deal real quick. Met a girl. We got along well. Thought she was “nice” so nottoo fussed when she held out on having sex. Said she wasn’t into going to bedtoo fast, said she wasn’t like that. OK. No problem. Took us about 2 months toget to it. I have just found out that while “we were getting to know each other for twomonths” she had ongoing sex with a “friends with benefits.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt andsay she stopped with him when we stated having sex BUT she was having sex with him for two months while telling me she wanted to take it slow with me cause that’s the way she is etc. We all know the end game here but I have not yet confronted her with this. BeforeI do I want to be prepared. I’d like your ideas of how she’ll respond so that I have good counters to her justifications / explanations – whatever they may be. I really appreciate females’ views on this. Thanks. Were you exclusive? Did you ask her to be? Did you have the bf/gf title? If not, why not? Until things are official there isn't much you can say about what she was up to. But only you can decide whether or not her hittin' the sheets with another dude is a dealbreaker. But then again, given the nature of this post, I'm leaning toward troll. Sorry dude. 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well she was comfortable with this fwb but didn't want to jump into anything with someone new. Was the relationship "exclusive" at the time? If not, then she really didn't do anything wrong here. You have nothing to confront her with if things were not exclusive, except for your bruised ego. You can either accept what happened and continue, or end the relationship. 1
Casablanca Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You have nothing to confront her with if things were not exclusive, except for your bruised ego. You can either accept what happened and continue, or end the relationship. This...I do think its a little sleezy to sleep with a FWB that long into talking/seeing someone, but if its not exclusive, nothing to fuss about I hope you're not upset because she wanted to put off sex with you for a little bit but had a FWB...its not unheard of or uncommon for a guy to bolt after sex, plus sex can cloud judgement about how much someone likes someone, so I wouldn't let THAT be the issue
Author JustCluedIn Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 No we had not had any exclusivity conversation. Matter of fact, to this day we haven't had that conversation.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 No we had not had any exclusivity conversation. Matter of fact, to this day we haven't had that conversation. Yet in the title of your thread you refer to her as your girlfriend? 1
RedRobin Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well, you might try asking people you date if they are seeing anyone else. If they say 'no', and you find out later they had a FWB, then you dump them. That is lying. If they say 'yes', then you find out what their relationship style is like, and how they feel about sex outside of a relationship. Obviously, this isn't a discussion you'd have on the first date, but probably within the first few or even some casual chats. Personally, I'm not ok with people who have FWB and are trying to date me. Period. 'Exclusive' or not. If I found out after the fact, I'd dump them because our relationship styles are not compatible. Well, people know I'd dump them if they had a recent FWB at all. That's just me though. ... because if they are having sex with them while dating (or trying to date me)... they will likely, at some point, try to keep having sex with ME while trying to date someone else and find a way to justify it. Overlap of any kind ain't cool in my book. 3
sdraw108 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Everyone who's posted about her having done nothing wrong is only focusing on the non-exclusivity part. In my opinion, she DID do something wrong when she portrayed herself as being "not like that" and wanting to wait for an emotional connection before sex. Although she didn't exactly lie, I'd expect someone who gave me that line to also declare that they're having casual sex with someone on the side, because it's pretty contradictory. Probably the reason she didn't is because she knew it would sound like BS - "I want to wait for sex with you because I like you and want to get to know you - but I'm gonna make sure I get my fix elsewhere in the meantime". 10
RedRobin Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Everyone who's posted about her having done nothing wrong is only focusing on the non-exclusivity part. In my opinion, she DID do something wrong when she portrayed herself as being "not like that" and wanting to wait for an emotional connection before sex. Although she didn't exactly lie, I'd expect someone who gave me that line to also declare that they're having casual sex with someone on the side, because it's pretty contradictory. Probably the reason she didn't is because she knew it would sound like BS - "I want to wait for sex with you because I like you and want to get to know you - but I'm gonna make sure I get my fix elsewhere in the meantime". Ditto. I say be consistent, whatever your style is... and don't try to pass yourself off as someone who has a different style just because it might be convenient. Not only is it dishonest, it makes it tough for people who really DO want to get to know someone and who aren't dating/sleeping with other people find each other. ... not to mention the person who is having the FWB. They are better off being with someone who is accepting of it. 3
veggirl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Uh yeah if this is true, it's totally trashy. I would be PISSED if I found out my bf was banging some other girl while dating me and telling me "I am not that kinda guy". Just no. You don't date someone for TWO MONTHS while still screwing someone else. If it happened around like dates 1-3, fine I guess, but beyond that? Grody. And rude. And if you are dating ME and still wanna fk someone ELSE then you just aren't that into me. I can't even IMAGINE dating a guy for 2 months straight and still fking someone else. Not cool. 11
MrCastle Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Her only chance of smoothing this over is if she told you that she knew this fwb a lot longer than you and felt more comfortable with him. If she knew the guy for a year or more I can understand not wanting to sleep with a new guy just yet. If she met you two guys around the same time and was banging him and feeding you a line of crap, it's curtains for her. 2
Divasu Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It doesn't matter what her response is. Would you do the same? That's the question you need to ask yourself... If the answer is no, then, the two of you have very different views when it comes to dating. Mismatch. 2
KatZee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Unless you two were official she's free to circle date and do whatever she was doing. You need to lock it down if you want her exclusively. I'm female and I have a current FWB situation thing going on, and at the same time I'm going on dates with other dudes. None of them have had enough impact on me to end my FWB at all. She's at least classy enough not to double dip the sticks. She's only sexing him... not you just yet. 1
Divasu Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She's only sexing him... not you just yet. Something tells me this is not going to make him feel all warm and toasty... 2
Drseussgrrl Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 If she felt you weren't serious enough about her to be exclusive after 2 months, she probably assumed you weren't serious enough to care that she was dating others, either. And sometimes dating could mean bangin'.
RedRobin Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Unless you two were official she's free to circle date and do whatever she was doing. You need to lock it down if you want her exclusively. I'm female and I have a current FWB situation thing going on, and at the same time I'm going on dates with other dudes. None of them have had enough impact on me to end my FWB at all. She's at least classy enough not to double dip the sticks. She's only sexing him... not you just yet. What happened to the fireman?? 2
Woggle Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The big issue is that she was making you wait because she wasn't like that but she was like that with an FWB which means that you didn't make her wet. 3
KatZee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) What happened to the fireman?? LOL that IS the fireman. I'm trying not to take it too seriously so I've mentally put him in FWB category. I don't know. His schedule is so rough, and we were like legit dating, and I kind of backed off but the connection is just so strong with us and we like... do "date" like things, I just wanted to see if there was anyone else out there I would have a connection like this with and so far... bust. Edited July 30, 2013 by KatZee
KatZee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Something tells me this is not going to make him feel all warm and toasty... Well my job isn't to make him feel warm and toasty, it's to give him a dose of reality. They aren't in a relationship. So she's free and clear to do whatever she wants until he makes a move to lock it down. I mean I kind of see a red flag that she gets her rocks off with another dude, but won't sleep with him after 2 months. That's plenty of time to know if you're sexually attracted to a partner. Obviously the FWB has more of an impact than this guy on a physical level. And if she was SUPER SUPER into the OP she'd cut the FWB off. She hasn't. So obviously FWB still has something more she's interested in than this guy.
JohnP82 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 This is crazy dude her behavior is not cool. People who say her behavior is OK because of a technicality are like those that don't give to charity because they were not asked; It's bull****. 2
CptSaveAho Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Here’s the deal real quick. Met a girl. We got along well. Thought she was “nice” so nottoo fussed when she held out on having sex. Said she wasn’t into going to bedtoo fast, said she wasn’t like that. . /facepalm All girls say this BS line ... the problem is you fell for it... if anything I'd be more butt hurt over that Its not your job to have the exlusivity talk... its hers... the only exclusiviy talk to ever have is when you buy a ring for the right one... it was your job to sleep with her quicker then 2 months and the fwb would fade out of the picture if you were worth something usually by the 3rd date If I was you, Id dump her because you are never going to get over the retroactive jealousy issue 2
Titania22 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I don't know where you are OP, but from what I have read on this forum, people in the UK assume exclusivity from the first date and people in the US need to have talk. I am in Australia where I don't know if there is a hard and fast rule, but I assume exclusivity from the first date. If I had an FWB, I wouldn't have sex with him while seeing someone, but I probably wouldn't completely end the arrangement until I knew that the person I was dating was going to stick around for a while. As for your situation, follow your heart. If you love this girl and want to be with her, then let her off on a technicality. If not, end it, and make sure next girl you communicate exclusivity early.
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She intentionally deceived you. Call her out on it and cut ties with her. 1
Divasu Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Well my job isn't to make him feel warm and toasty, it's to give him a dose of reality. It was the way it was phrased, "She's at least classy enough not to double dip the sticks." "She's only sexing him... not you just yet" I don't find either way "better" than the other. If you're out f*cking other people, why are you dating someone for two months at a time? 1
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