Did I deserve this? Is there a second chance?

[woundedwarrior3]

Sorry, this is a long one but a lot of important details…

 

My girlfriend and I were together originally for 15 months. We knew each other for years and were good friends before we decided to start dating. We were even talking marriage and our future. We broke up for two months because we needed to hash out some issues and I guess we kind of did, but it was hard because during those two months we still always saw each other and hung out (my girl roommate is a good friend of hers and therefore was always around). When we got back together, I had the mentality that I was going to do all I could to make sure she was always happy and never wanted to leave me. So, a month into being back together we found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (this was Jan. 2013). She is an only child with a single mother who dad left her when she was really young. I was there for her support emotionally and mentally, even went to all her mother’s pre-appointment meetings with doctors and did everything I could. I stayed around the weekend of the surgery. I even, went as far as to clean my ex’s room, shovel snow when it came, and any other chores they had me do. I did everything for her during these months.

 

She told me she felt like this was God’s way of telling her that “we were meant to be together”, and I felt the same way. We even went looking for rings, discussing a marriage budget and looking at potential houses to buy. After, the surgery her mom went through about 16 weeks of chemo treatments. My ex also worked full time at a daycare and took some online graduate classes. During these 16 weeks, I was there for her and offered support in everything, did everything with her and her family and even made sure she could have a good time. Through this time period, there were times were she would get really drunk and yell at me for literally no reason and say very mean things, and I would sweep it under the rug until the next morning. Even smacked me in the face when I decided to finally stand up for myself and tell her she was being ridiculous. I know she was taking out her anger with her mom on me. The sex also withdrew because I know how stressed she was and I wanted it to be on her terms rather than mine. But she was never in the mood and tired (understandably) and only wanted to when she could, so therefore I felt a lot of pressure and never was really good (at one point it was AMAZING). Anyways, I looked for an escape in sports gambling and therefore paid a lot of attention to my phone then her. She brought this up and I made conscious efforts to change and not be on it when she was around. Otherwise, I was always around and helpful for her and NEVER said anything mean or called her out to her. I was TOO NICE.

 

 

 

So, come June 1 at our two year anniversary of all days, she decided it wasn’t working out anymore and broke up with me. Mind you, this was about a week before her mom’s last chemo treatment, so I couldn’t even see her get better! She said she didn’t having feelings for me anymore and didn’t think we were compatible. I was in shock. After all I did for her, she was going to dump me like this? I ended up buying an engagement and even told her I was going to propose to her. She broke down crying…so for the next month she kept initiating texting me off and on seeing how I was and just wishing me a “good day” and finally about a month after the break up we met up for some drinks and I told her how I was feeling i.e. “emotionally abused and used for the last 5 months during everything that was going on” and she said she was “the happiest she has been since an adult” and wanted to “continue to find her happiness on her own” since she has been in and out of relationships for years. She and her friends know that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and treated her better than anyone EVER will (she has a lot of baggage and was very promiscuous before we were together, which I knew and accepted her and forgot her past). After a little fighting during the convo, I accepted the decision and hoped one day we would be together in the end. I even let her know I quit gambling and had my account shutdown! So, after this encounter I have decided to go NC and it has been about 3 weeks. I am still deeply in love with her in spite of everything. I understand the break up was needed as we both lost each of our identities and needed to take care of our selves and figure out our happiness. I became insecure, dependent (obviously due to how close we were with her mom) and lost some self confidence as I always felt I was walking on eggshells when I was around her. I have been working on myself and my confidence is higher than it has ever been. But I still absolutely unconditionally love her.

 

Does this sound like a relationship worth fighting for and do you think she will eventually realize what she is missing and come back to me?

 

I was so loyal and loving to her at her worst and during the hardest time in her life and don’t get why she would give up that easily on us

[lula69]

My girlfriend and I were together originally for 15 months. We knew each other for years and were good friends before we decided to start dating. We were even talking marriage and our future.

 

We broke up for two months because we needed to hash out some issues and I guess we kind of did, but it was hard because during those two months we still always saw each other and hung out (my girl roommate is a good friend of hers and therefore was always around).

 

When we got back together, I had the mentality that I was going to do all I could to make sure she was always happy and never wanted to leave me.

...

 

Through this time period, there were times were she would get really drunk and yell at me for literally no reason and say very mean things, and I would sweep it under the rug until the next morning. Even smacked me in the face when I decided to finally stand up for myself and tell her she was being ridiculous.

 

I know she was taking out her anger with her mom on me. The sex also withdrew because I know how stressed she was and I wanted it to be on her terms rather than mine.

 

I was TOO NICE.

Yep.

 

Friend, the drinking and being aggressive is something you don't need. You may feel very attached still, but she is abusive with you. You don't want her. I know you do want her, but you are not happy. You are eroding your self. You don't need to do anything violent to your feelings. Just keep standing up for yourself and feel what she is doing and know you can't change her. But you can't be with her like that.

 

She is abusive, and this is not a singular case. You may not know that (because all media are silent about it, and even entire US government agencies are lying about it -- but women are more abusive to men than men to women, including physical abuse. Yes, a "battered man syndrome" is where you are slipping into. You are making excuses for her abusive behavior. Your love is undying, but she is destroying you. And she made it quite clear to you that she won't change for you. You can decide that you do not deserve this.

 

she decided it wasn’t working out anymore and broke up with me. Mind you, this was about a week before her mom’s last chemo treatment, so I couldn’t even see her get better! She said she didn’t having feelings for me anymore and didn’t think we were compatible. I was in shock. After all I did for her, she was going to dump me like this?

Yes. You were operating on a "covert contract", believing if you do everything right she will want to stay with you. But unfortunately life does not work like this. And hold on ... it gets worse.

 

I ended up buying an engagement and even told her I was going to propose to her. She broke down crying…so for the next month she kept initiating texting me off and on seeing how I was and just wishing me a “good day” and finally about a month after the break up we met up for some drinks and I told her how I was feeling i.e. “emotionally abused and used for the last 5 months during everything that was going on” and she said she was “the happiest she has been since an adult” and wanted to “continue to find her happiness on her own” since she has been in and out of relationships for years.

I have a gut feeling, she is f*cking another guy. This is very typical behavior. You may not believe this, but it is likely true. She found some old flame or new flame somewhere online during that time when she was taking care of her mom. I am 75% certain of it. This explains her sudden withdrawl and that she declares she is actually happy. She is just lying to you, in part to protect you -- that is what she tells herself. But in reality she protects her own image as a caring woman who does not just use men ... Your being so nice changes nothing about her attraction to you, it only makes her more guilty, which means, all it does is make her lie to you more now and resent you more for making her guilty.

 

She and her friends know that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and treated her better than anyone EVER will

I hate to tell you this, but no. She doesn't know anything like that.

 

(she has a lot of baggage and was very promiscuous before we were together, which I knew and accepted her and forgot her past).

There it is. And now she is promiscuous again. I told you before I read this.

 

Your mistake? Allowing it. You need to set boundaries. You could have been more protective and jealous of her. It is the only way of dealing with these women. The more you let her "give her space" / "privacy" the more she will disrespect you. Don't believe the bullshyt you are told that you need to give her space and then she will love you. That's a covert contract too. She will do whatever pleases her. And you should in a way also do that. Since you are giving yourself up in this relationship, you should stop doing it and go for something more healthy.

 

After a little fighting during the convo, I accepted the decision and hoped one day we would be together in the end. I even let her know I quit gambling and had my account shutdown! So, after this encounter I have decided to go NC and it has been about 3 weeks. I am still deeply in love with her in spite of everything.

I understand you. I have a failed relationship with a GF who also turned from eternal love to using me to not caring about me and dumping me. It is what they do. You deserve better. But unless she comes around (magically) you do not want her. Nothing you can do can change that. And you should not wait. You should move on. She spit you out and is over with you.

 

I know this hurts and I am sorry man. Really sorry. Do you have male friends? You need them now. Go out with them and just forget about women for a while.

 

The pain of all this will come and go like the waves of the ocean. Let them wash over you. Work on yourself.

 

One important thing so many men must learn is to exist without women. It is our weakness to want to bond with a woman so badly which beats us down in these moments.

 

I understand the break up was needed as we both lost each of our identities and needed to take care of our selves and figure out our happiness.

Yes and no. Don't buy that bullshyting "find herself" talk. Finding herself for her likely means f*cking another guy. Women who actually want to find themselves and integrate themselves do not just dump their partner. They work on figuring it out.

 

I became insecure, dependent (obviously due to how close we were with her mom) and lost some self confidence as I always felt I was walking on eggshells when I was around her. I have been working on myself and my confidence is higher than it has ever been.

That may be a start. You do see the basics. But realize this walking on eggshells issue. It shows how you yourself got eroded in the relationship. You need to reflect how you come to set so few boundaries, to have so little self-respect.

 

Does this sound like a relationship worth fighting for and do you think she will eventually realize what she is missing and come back to me?

No and no.

 

I am very sorry.

 

I was so loyal and loving to her at her worst and during the hardest time in her life and don’t get why she would give up that easily on us

Yep, it don't mean a thing. Women say they are committed, relational, and loving and want someone to take care for them, but unfortunately that is very often not true. They want excitement and many are to engrossed in their entitled victim thinking and the idea they are a good girl, that many will not even see how evil they are. You have strong attachments to her physically, her face, her smile, her voice, her smell, the shared experience, but unfortunately her heart was never really yours. And also, you just don't want to be with a woman where you have to walk on eggshells and who drinks and beats you.

 

Even if she stayed with you now, it would not be best for you.

 

Be glad you get away with it before she completely killed your soul and gutted you in divorce court.

Edited July 29, 2013 by lula69

[woundedwarrior3]

I feel like you are mostly right on this one. Although, she did only hit me ONCE but yelled at me 2 or 3 times before that, just making up stuff to fight about. And since we were together a considerable amount of time, i know she wasn't physically cheating on me, but could have reconnected with some ex-lovers and emotionally cheated on me.

 

But, i just don't understand. Her dad left her when she was young so through thick and thin and unconditional love, I stuck by herside. Saw her and loved her at her worst: emotionally and even physically. I also just don't understand how she could have just flipped a switch and been wanting to go from being married, buying a house etc. to dumping me. Yeah i had personal problems but def. put up more with her.

 

I mean I was more times than not always over at her house taking care of her mom. Always visiting family with them. I would do anything she would ask, unless i had significant plans already in place. I understand I smothered her a bit but with everything with her mom I felt it was necessary at the time and just wanted to be there and support her.

 

I just feel slighted through it all. Basically used for emotional support for the last 5 months of her mom's treatments when very little of her friends were there. I gave up a lot of my life for them. Its hard because I put soo much into it and stuck by her because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But the first doubt in her mind she has she dumped me on the spot. I just hope one day she realizes all i did for her and have a change of heart...whether I want her back or not. I still feel this is a love worth fighting for though but can't control what she thinks.

[darkmoon]

I think she might be back, a drunk call, a needy voice, if you can put up with her, look, she sounds like a mess to me, perhaps you want to be the all-singing all-dancing support system, it is her abusive nature, out of control, that tells me she is a flake, best of luck with that

[happydate]

Sorry, this is a long one but a lot of important details…

 

My girlfriend and I were together originally for 15 months. We knew each other for years and were good friends before we decided to start dating. We were even talking marriage and our future. We broke up for two months because we needed to hash out some issues and I guess we kind of did, but it was hard because during those two months we still always saw each other and hung out (my girl roommate is a good friend of hers and therefore was always around). When we got back together, I had the mentality that I was going to do all I could to make sure she was always happy and never wanted to leave me. So, a month into being back together we found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (this was Jan. 2013). She is an only child with a single mother who dad left her when she was really young. I was there for her support emotionally and mentally, even went to all her mother’s pre-appointment meetings with doctors and did everything I could. I stayed around the weekend of the surgery. I even, went as far as to clean my ex’s room, shovel snow when it came, and any other chores they had me do. I did everything for her during these months.

 

She told me she felt like this was God’s way of telling her that “we were meant to be together”, and I felt the same way. We even went looking for rings, discussing a marriage budget and looking at potential houses to buy. After, the surgery her mom went through about 16 weeks of chemo treatments. My ex also worked full time at a daycare and took some online graduate classes. During these 16 weeks, I was there for her and offered support in everything, did everything with her and her family and even made sure she could have a good time. Through this time period, there were times were she would get really drunk and yell at me for literally no reason and say very mean things, and I would sweep it under the rug until the next morning. Even smacked me in the face when I decided to finally stand up for myself and tell her she was being ridiculous. I know she was taking out her anger with her mom on me. The sex also withdrew because I know how stressed she was and I wanted it to be on her terms rather than mine. But she was never in the mood and tired (understandably) and only wanted to when she could, so therefore I felt a lot of pressure and never was really good (at one point it was AMAZING). Anyways, I looked for an escape in sports gambling and therefore paid a lot of attention to my phone then her. She brought this up and I made conscious efforts to change and not be on it when she was around. Otherwise, I was always around and helpful for her and NEVER said anything mean or called her out to her. I was TOO NICE.

 

 

 

So, come June 1 at our two year anniversary of all days, she decided it wasn’t working out anymore and broke up with me. Mind you, this was about a week before her mom’s last chemo treatment, so I couldn’t even see her get better! She said she didn’t having feelings for me anymore and didn’t think we were compatible. I was in shock. After all I did for her, she was going to dump me like this? I ended up buying an engagement and even told her I was going to propose to her. She broke down crying…so for the next month she kept initiating texting me off and on seeing how I was and just wishing me a “good day” and finally about a month after the break up we met up for some drinks and I told her how I was feeling i.e. “emotionally abused and used for the last 5 months during everything that was going on” and she said she was “the happiest she has been since an adult” and wanted to “continue to find her happiness on her own” since she has been in and out of relationships for years. She and her friends know that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and treated her better than anyone EVER will (she has a lot of baggage and was very promiscuous before we were together, which I knew and accepted her and forgot her past). After a little fighting during the convo, I accepted the decision and hoped one day we would be together in the end. I even let her know I quit gambling and had my account shutdown! So, after this encounter I have decided to go NC and it has been about 3 weeks. I am still deeply in love with her in spite of everything. I understand the break up was needed as we both lost each of our identities and needed to take care of our selves and figure out our happiness. I became insecure, dependent (obviously due to how close we were with her mom) and lost some self confidence as I always felt I was walking on eggshells when I was around her. I have been working on myself and my confidence is higher than it has ever been. But I still absolutely unconditionally love her.

 

Does this sound like a relationship worth fighting for and do you think she will eventually realize what she is missing and come back to me?

 

I was so loyal and loving to her at her worst and during the hardest time in her life and don’t get why she would give up that easily on us

 

You are lucky it's only 15 months -- I hope the sex was really really great because if it's any longer, you'll be a total wreck!! I've been there with one of these women!

 

She's what I called a controlling and manipulative woman whose M.O is to drive her victim's self-esteem and self-pride down to the bottomless hole; at the very least much lower than she is. Her reward of your fine obedience is probably lots of sex and cold affections with some really sweet words thrown into the mix to rub your ego. You should have seen this happen early on into the relationship; her sudden emotional outbursts, her many past sexual partners (many and questionable) and her treatment to other people (nasty and sometimes degrading) to perch herself on a pedestal of superiority. You probably saw these and felt somewhat uncomfortable, but heck the sex was probably good wasn't it so you wrote it off as being nothing because if you're not getting the abuse then, you don't complain. But ahh, then later you are getting the same abuses she exacted on others now on you! Once you start walking on eggshells, she has you. Look at what you did for her mom. You're not the first cause other men she used in the past also did favours for her mom. Are you better than her past exes? Nah.. That's just soft talk from her and her friends. I used to be called the nicest guys my ex ever met, slept and kissed. Her friends, mainly gay guys, said I was the best. Once she dumped me and then later on, I heard rumours that someone is painting me as a jerk when I was with her and the misinformation.

 

So much for being a great guy to her!

 

My advise to you is to run as fast and as FAR AWAY from her as you can. She'll exact the same deal to the next guy, and then the next guy and then the next.

 

Get back some self-esteem and date some better girls and stay away from her kind -- there are lots around. She's the one that needs to fix her repressed emotions.

Edited August 1, 2013 by happydate

[woundedwarrior3]

Appreciate all the feedback guys. I see all the red flags and know better, but, damn, does unconditional love make you do and feel crazy things...but do realize i need to stay away from her and not even attempt to contact her. If she cant see everything I did/put up with for her and thats not enough, nothing ever will be for her...

[woundedwarrior3]

So its been about 6 weeks of NC (minus a text saying she stopped by my house to grab the rest of her **** 4 weeks ago). And just having a tough day. I know I deserve better but Im seeing the light of our break-up. I'm in the best shape in years, most confident I have ever been, and talking to plenty of girls. However, for some reason i still miss her. After all I did, i can't believe she hasn't came back yet. This break up is the best thing that has ever happened to me personally for my own happiness but I really wish we could atleast start talking again. But, at the same time she treated me like ****, took advantage of my kindness to her, dumped me and when we met a month after our break up, where she didn't want to get back together ( i didnt beg or plead, just asked once, accepted the decision and moved on)..then after both gave parting texts saying this break up will be the beat thing that ever happened to me, her, us and we will be better people as a result of it...and we both still told each other how much we loved each other, but told her i had to stay out of contact with her to move on but hopefully one day it would work out between us. I mean I was a matter of a few days of asking her to marry me before she dumped me!!

 

So, i feel like there is no reason for me to contact her...it has to be on her. I just feel like if we started talking again and take it really really slow for a few months it could work out.

 

Just something deep inside me says we are meant to be and still can't shake thinking about her constantly. My birthday is in 3 weeks and I'm not getting my hopes up she will contact me then but thats the most realistic time if she would. I know i can calm my emotions be mature and confident around her and put myself in a position for her to be attracted to me again and maybe want me back...but I don't know.

 

Just looking for some feedback on what I should do or how i should be feeling a s a rational person...

[woundedwarrior3]

Am I crazy for wanting this person back? And under what circumstances should i take her back, considering all i did for her?