Do couples ever split from an EA?

[BrokenPrincess]

Well, I've been on LS now about 9 months as a fOW, and from what I've read here and on other sites, I have learned that it doesn't matter what "type" of A it was, each pain is severe, catastrophic, and unique to the BS. But I was thinking today, I don't think I have heard much of couples that actually divorce after an EA (virtual or in-person EAs).

 

I don't have any friends that are divorced IRL, so was just curious if anyone here had D after an EA or knew people who had?

 

No ulterior motive for asking and am not relating this at all to my A, which was a PA. I was just honestly thinking about this after I saw a BS comment somewhere about how 'it was just an EA' is crap, and that made me reflect on whether maybe although an EA is destructive, IS it easier to R?

 

Do you think gender of the BS matters....i.e., would a BH find it easier to R with a WW because the physical betrayal is more of dealbreaker to men, and the emotional betrayal is more important to BW?

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, thoughts, or anecdotes...

[HopingAgain]

Well, I've been on LS now about 9 months as a fOW, and from what I've read here and on other sites, I have learned that it doesn't matter what "type" of A it was, each pain is severe, catastrophic, and unique to the BS. But I was thinking today, I don't think I have heard much of couples that actually divorce after an EA (virtual or in-person EAs).

 

I don't have any friends that are divorced IRL, so was just curious if anyone here had D after an EA or knew people who had?

 

No ulterior motive for asking and am not relating this at all to my A, which was a PA. I was just honestly thinking about this after I saw a BS comment somewhere about how 'it was just an EA' is crap, and that made me reflect on whether maybe although an EA is destructive, IS it easier to R?

 

Do you think gender of the BS matters....i.e., would a BH find it easier to R with a WW because the physical betrayal is more of dealbreaker to men, and the emotional betrayal is more important to BW?

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, thoughts, or anecdotes...

 

I think a lot depends on how emotionally involved the WS was. Mine "liked" his exOW, but didn't love her and they'd only gotten as far as kissing when Dday occurred and the affair ended. So this was definitely a factor for me in reconciling. If ILYs had been exchanged and/or they'd had sex, it would have made reconciling likely impossible for ME.

[Betterthanthis13]

I can't imagine a BS divorcing a WS for an EA, that's probably very rare... But I can definitely think of several divorces IRL that were spawned from EA's and D was filed by the WS... It's a divorce where the spouse fell in love with someone else but didnt physically cheat on their partner.

[dichotomy]

Let me start by saying I am BH. If wife's EA had been PA, then I would have ended it. However, her EA was complicated, messy, and painful to me.

 

I found out very shortly after we married, that she had been, before dating me, the OW (PA) with a MG. This was part of a three year time frame of unhealthy loss and choices in her life. A perfect storm of crap that changed who she was. [/FONT][FONT=Calibri]When she started getting serious with me, she dropped having sex with OM/MG, but not the emotional part. She hid this from me and continued a connection, even once taking me to hang out with him when we visited her home town. She could not let him go completely, their was "glue". He also kept on her regularly to resume the sexual part of their relationship and tried any means he could to get her back to that.

 

The worst part for me was when it came out day; I only got her to agree to NC because I said I would divorce her otherwise. She was so messed up, emotionally, physiologically, spiritually, she could not understand she did anything wrong in the past (PA).... or with me with hidden realtionship (EA).

 

Two rounds of marriage therapy have changed this view, but anyone who says “well it was just an EA” – could not understand the pain I felt, how much I have had to work helping her grow - and how often I thought of ending it, but love is a choice, and I keep making that choice.

[jnel921]

Both hurt equally. Before my H had a PA he was what I believed to be EA with different people. One woman on FB and a person he claimed was his cousin. I discovered inappropriate conversations and comments and found that he spent more time chatting it up with them than me. My H used to lock his cellphone and delete all of his texts immediately.

 

This I beleive was the signs of what was yet to come. When he had his PA he was extremely remorseful and I have given him the chance to R and redeem himself and our marriage.

 

It has been a tough road. But if it wasn't for the fact that he snapped out of it and realizes what he has in front of him I probably would have considered other options.

 

Doing any of these things again would be the deal breaker for me. He knows this. My options continue to stay open as long as we are not 100%. This is the consequence of his actions.

[carhill]

I don't have any friends that are divorced IRL, so was just curious if anyone here had D after an EA or knew people who had?

 

My anecdote is yes and it appeared that the MW in question did eventually get a divorce but I believe, from talking with her over the years, that her D came more from the mutual infidelities she and her H experienced over 20 years than from our EA early in her M when we were both in our early-mid 20's.

 

The basic timeline was she got divorced about six years after our EA ended and I would meet her again with our roles reversed, she single and me married, about 15 years later, and then it would be my turn in the D lane, though not after as much time nor rancor. I saw it as an end to a lot of life dynamics and life is more satisfying now.

 

I have other anecdotes from MW's but this was the most significant. MW's I know usually have PA's along with EA's, or so they've shared. The one in the example was indeed having a PA with her employer (she shared many years later) at the same time she was having an EA with myself.

 

So far, from what I've observed, men appear to have a stronger response to a WS who has a PA; women whose WS has a EA seem to be dispatched (divorced) more quickly. My exW had experienced infidelity before, or so she stated, and her prior exH allegedly had a PA so, regardless of the realities, and being able to independently interact with the lady in question in my case, she was, as one LS'er put it, 'not wanting to be married to you anymore'. That was fine with me. Done and done.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I have had a family member who divorced over an EA.

[Owl]

I could have posted a lot of what Dichotomy posted.

 

We very, very nearly divorced over my wife's EA. Had she not made a decision in the time frame she did, had she not realized what was about to happen as a result...had she not made some immediate changes...we would absolutely have divorced.

 

We didn't because she learned and changed...grew, just as Dichotomy mentioned.