Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 This is such a good question. And I have no clue what the answer is My A helped me see what was wrong in many areas of my life, not just my M. I guess I was truly exposed to so many things during my A that it was a big wake up call to the life I was living. When I had my A, I had NO money (and I do mean NO money, just a few bob in one account), I did not own the car I drove, I had no career, no after school education, did not know what I wanted, kept buggering about in a number of stupid jobs with no options for expansion, I had NO confidence whatsoever, and I had no idea what a narcissist was at the time. Now, six years later, due to having an A, I realized that all this needed to change and fast. I now have money saved, my car is in my name legally (I own nothing else, everything else is H), I am on the way with a fantastic career, I now have a degree, I now what I want both in life and relationships, no more silly little no go jobs, I am FAR more confidence in myself enabling me to call my H on his gaslighting, and I have learned what a narc is in order to better deal with my H and many others (they walk among us). I have no idea how I would have gotten here without my A. I really just do not know and I honestly believe that if it were not for my A, I would be in the exact same rut that I was six years ago. Edit to add: Yes I would do the A again. I have no regrets over it whatsoever. Not wanting to do it again would indicate regret or remorse. I have neither. I could absolutely agree with your choice under those extreme circumstances, and can't say that I wouldn't make the same choice. I don't think I would regret it or have remorse for it either. The difference I think I would have is in explaining my choice: I would add a caveat acknowledging I made the choice under duress, as a person who does not endorse cheating as a lifestyle choice or as a solution to a problem if there are any other reasonable, available options that can be explored first. There are just so many WS's who choose to cheat as a first option, selfishly ignoring the destruction they are causing in the lives of the people around them because their minor problems are their first and only priority. While you have what it seems to be, every reason to have made the choice you did- by not adding that caveat two things happen. First, you lend credibility to the growing population that is out there claiming that "affairs are good!" And second, you group yourself in the generic "remorseless WS" category, which incites instant outrage in many people. There is another poster on this board who has a story that has all the makings of good reasons for why the path of infidelity was chosen, and time and time again that person makes statements that sound as though they are endorsing cheating, and other posters get very agitated. I can't for the life of me figure out what the purpose of having that type of fence sitting position is. If you really do think cheating is a good thing under some circumstances- have that position, and defend it. Be clear about it. I only have a problem with the lack of clarity in under what types of circumstances people who feel cheating is beneficial, is actually beneficial. Because if it is left up to "individual choice" then by definition, all WS's are excused and cheating is never wrong. It is obvious to you and to me that your situation is different. But it's not obvious to the people who wrote these fantastic articles, and the people they were written for. And they might be reading your post and using it to refer to and say "See! Cheating is good. My wife was mean to me today. She's on her period anyway, I need some attention. Im bored. Im sick of taking my wife on dates. Booorrrrringggg. Ill just sign up for that Ashley Madison" Sounds ridiculous.... but they have 85 million members. Could Cheating be GOOD for Marriage? | Mommy Tracked New Study Reveals . . . Cheating Makes Your Marriage Stronger Jill Brooke: AshleyMadison's CEO Thinks Affairs Help Keep Marriages Together--Do You?
So happy together Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I could absolutely agree with your choice under those extreme circumstances, and can't say that I wouldn't make the same choice. I don't think I would regret it or have remorse for it either. The difference I think I would have is in explaining my choice: I would add a caveat acknowledging I made the choice under duress, as a person who does not endorse cheating as a lifestyle choice or as a solution to a problem if there are any other reasonable, available options that can be explored first. There are just so many WS's who choose to cheat as a first option, selfishly ignoring the destruction they are causing in the lives of the people around them because their minor problems are their first and only priority. While you have what it seems to be, every reason to have made the choice you did- by not adding that caveat two things happen. First, you lend credibility to the growing population that is out there claiming that "affairs are good!" And second, you group yourself in the generic "remorseless WS" category, which incites instant outrage in many people. There is another poster on this board who has a story that has all the makings of good reasons for why the path of infidelity was chosen, and time and time again that person makes statements that sound as though they are endorsing cheating, and other posters get very agitated. I can't for the life of me figure out what the purpose of having that type of fence sitting position is. If you really do think cheating is a good thing under some circumstances- have that position, and defend it. Be clear about it. I only have a problem with the lack of clarity in under what types of circumstances people who feel cheating is beneficial, is actually beneficial. Because if it is left up to "individual choice" then by definition, all WS's are excused and cheating is never wrong. It is obvious to you and to me that your situation is different. But it's not obvious to the people who wrote these fantastic articles, and the people they were written for. And they might be reading your post and using it to refer to and say "See! Cheating is good. My wife was mean to me today. She's on her period anyway, I need some attention. Im bored. Im sick of taking my wife on dates. Booorrrrringggg. Ill just sign up for that Ashley Madison" Sounds ridiculous.... but they have 85 million members. Could Cheating be GOOD for Marriage? | Mommy Tracked New Study Reveals . . . Cheating Makes Your Marriage Stronger Jill Brooke: AshleyMadison's CEO Thinks Affairs Help Keep Marriages Together--Do You? Frankly I think we just have the option to be okay with our circumstances. I love my relationship. I believe that the A made both my bf and me stronger people too. I still wish it hadn't begun as an affair. But I won't take it back or regret it because it would change our relationship. No way. I love where we are. Who we are together. Not sure why it needs to be justified. It just is. 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Frankly I think we just have the option to be okay with our circumstances. I love my relationship. I believe that the A made both my bf and me stronger people too. I still wish it hadn't begun as an affair. But I won't take it back or regret it because it would change our relationship. No way. I love where we are. Who we are together. Not sure why it needs to be justified. It just is. I don't see why you would regret or justify your relationship to anyone. By all accounts, your bf did the best he could with a terrible situation.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 You are asking me for statistics to apply to the general population, which I would have to research in order to give an answer to that. Of the clients who I have seen in counseling who had left for their OW, they experienced problems in that subsequent relationship because of trust issues, and subsequent infidelity, which torpedoed the relationship. It's a rhetorical question as, imho, it doesn't seem possible to determine a reliable statistic of subsequent relationship statuses (statii) of WSs/APs who have left spouses then married from the general population due to the clandestine nature of the issue. It seems likely that those you would see in your practice who left M for OW or OM would be having problems, rather than scheduling sessions to report how well they are doing in their marriage relationship. Not being sarcastic! I appreciate your input as a counselor! I know some happily married WS/OW combinations but don't have a close enough relationship with them to ask if they've sought counseling. 2
Realist3 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 My only question is IF there was another way you could have accomplished the same result without having an affair, would you have chosen that option? Without a doubt. 3
Speakingofwhich Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I don't; however, advocate being part of an A under any circumstances. The journey is very difficult.
So happy together Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't see why you would regret or justify your relationship to anyone. By all accounts, your bf did the best he could with a terrible situation. I appreciate that. But I'm sure you've read people ask me questions, tell me it was wrong, that he should have left first, that he'll always be classified a cheater, etc... So, then I get in this mode of having to justify it. But... not for me, for them. Thanks Better.
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