Betterthanthis13 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 If you had to guess, What percentage of cheaters just want to sleep around without getting caught, and don't care what they have to say to accomplish this (cake eaters), vs what percentage of cheaters truly want only one person, but do stupid boneheaded things? (Leavers and Reconcilers)
So happy together Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 If you had to guess, What percentage of cheaters just want to sleep around without getting caught, and don't care what they have to say to accomplish this (cake eaters), vs what percentage of cheaters truly want only one person, but do stupid boneheaded things? (Leavers and Reconcilers) Well, the thing is, even if they don't ever plan on leaving, a large percentage care about their AP. So, it's difficult to say. Some are cake eaters who just want sex on the side, but for a lot of us it was two parallel relationships. 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Ill tell you what my guess is and you can tell me if you think I'm right or wrong. I think it's 40% cake eaters 60% stupid mistake I break it down that way because according to what I've read on LS, 5-10% leave to be with their AP, and 70-80% stay to reconcile, but a lot of BS complain that they don't think the WS is sincere in R, or is still seeing AP after DDay, and because a lot of WS/AP relationships don't work out, and also because I read about all these affairs that go on for years, and because of serial cheaters, and my favorite website Ashley Madison, and the lack of WS posts compared to BS and OW/OM posts. Before I came on LS, I would have thought that most cheaters (90%) cheat because they lost their minds and made a stupid mistake, or because they fell in love with someone else and did something really dumb and had to figure out how to fix it. I had this idea in my head that "an affair" was something that would last a month or two, maximum. Boy was I living under a rock or what? 3
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 If you had to guess, What percentage of cheaters just want to sleep around without getting caught, and don't care what they have to say to accomplish this (cake eaters), vs what percentage of cheaters truly want only one person, but do stupid boneheaded things? (Leavers and Reconcilers) For men, 90% cake eaters. For women 50/50. 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 For men, 90% cake eaters. For women 50/50. 90%? That high? Lol even after almost 4 years with a sex addict serial cheater I'm still naive? Hahahaha 1
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 90%? That high? Lol even after almost 4 years with a sex addict serial cheater I'm still naive? Hahahaha Being a man I know one thing for sure; men are scum :) 2
KathyM Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'll take a guess at 70% in it for the extra sex with no intent to leave the marriage. 30% having conflicted feelings of whether to leave for another relationship. Of the people I know personally who have been involved in affairs, the ratio is 60% just in it for the extra sex with no intent to change their situation, and 40% in it out of real feelings for the OM/OW who are conflicted about what to do.
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'll take a guess at 70% in it for the extra sex with no intent to leave the marriage. 30% having conflicted feelings of whether to leave for another relationship. Of the people I know personally who have been involved in affairs, the ratio is 60% just in it for the extra sex with no intent to change their situation, and 40% in it out of real feelings for the OM/OW who are conflicted about what to do. Kathy: do you know many men who have been involved in affairs? If so, do you find the percentages different for men and women?
KathyM Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Kathy: do you know many men who have been involved in affairs? If so, do you find the percentages different for men and women? Yes, they are different. Just based on the people I know personally, of the men who cheated, 70% were just looking for extra sex with no intent to leave. 30% were on the fence and considered leaving. Of that 30% who were on the fence, half left and half did not. Of the half that left for their affair partner, all of those subsequent relationships with the affair partner turned significant other/wife, all ended in divorce or separation from the AP turned SO/wife. Of the MWW who had affairs whom I know IRL, 66% were in it for the relationship, but the affair and their relationship ended with their AP. 33% of the MWW were just in it for the sex.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Addendum question- what percentage of the cake eater WS's, who just want some extra on the side and have no intention of leaving the marriage, do you think are honest with the OW/OM about this fact? 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) i started thinking about this last night. I had a gig in a nearby town and a man came up to my husband who looked familiar to me but I couldn't place him. My husband explained who he was and I said "oh yeah, I remember him - he was a customer of mine one day. Do they still live in xtown?" And my husband said "No - he left - he hooked up with his old high school sweetheart and he left his wife" They were married over 30 years. Then on the way home I was thinking about a old friend of mine (haven't seen her in probably 5 or 6 years) She and her husband had been married over 25 years and she had an affair and even though she tried reconciling, it didn't work - she left for her AP (he left his wife too) and they are married. Her ex husband is remarried too and actually very happy, but his current wife had an affair also (with one of his best friends) and that marriage broke up - yep, peyton place. I started really thinking about the number of people I know in my own hometown who really did leave for their AP and are married to them. There are a bunch - it's very strange. As far as percentages, I don't believe any of them because the number of people here that actually do end up with their AP is quite high - then they all remarry and stay in the same town and co-raise their children - some even attend the same church all together. I know of one couple that the guy was a prominent business owner in town and he had an affair and eventually married his AP (she was married as well at the time). They have been together over 35 years - when I was young it was a huge scandal. Obviously my situation is my XMM threw me under the bus. As far as I know he is still with his wife. My husband did not "choose" his AP - so we are probably more of the "norm" statistic, if there are any. Affairs suck. Edited July 30, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I personally know eight men who've left marriage for OW. Three have been married to OW over twenty years now, possibly thirty. One of those men just died at the age of 80+. One married about six years, going strong. Two left within past 24 mos, dating OW, not married yet. One was gone from wife for over a year but went back to her and R. The last one married OW and they divorced after 15 years and three kids. Don't know any MM who've had affairs and not left BS. Well, guess that's not accurate. Am sure some of the men I know must have had A and not left W. Just that I don't know who they are. All of the men listed above are quite wealthy except for the one who divorced OW after being married to her 15 years and the one married six years, going strong. However, both of those are solid middle class, well educated. I mention financial status because am trying to find something the men have in common. Had wondered if it's easier for wealthy to leave BS because there is plenty of $$$$ to split and still maintain nice lifestyle, not that anyone wants to split assets.
Coolit Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I couldn't put a statistic on it. I'm a MW and was just in it for the sex. A friend of mine's husband was lying to himself about this woman and then he kissed her and ran home to his wife scared poopless. I think a lot of people who cheat and stay (if it is short term A). Have been lying to themselves. I know one man who left his W for his mistress. They had been married a very short time before he had met the OW. His BW knew nothing until he came home one day and handed her his ring and walked out the door. He is the only person I know IRL that is with their AP. Not counting people just dating.
BrokenPrincess Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm a fMOW, my xMM were both cake eaters and did talk about that before fully getting into our A. I wouldn't say we were just in it for the sex since we were very long distance, but we both had feelings for each other from the beginning. He never wavered from cake eating, but months into NC, I started second guessing whether we'd made a mistake never even considering that this relationship could actually be something real. Now it all seems like a crazy dream. Growing up, only knew one D couple and the H cheated with the Ws best friend. He married the OW & they've been M now about 20+ years. Among my friends, one WW with a single OM. Truthfully, she was looking for an exit A, but the single OM started dating a single girl and my friend felt like she was going crazy & ended the A. Her H doesn't know, they're still together. Other couple was a WH who cheated with a random woman at work, he blamed his W for working too much & not paying attention to him. No kids, pretty decent incomes. They R and became swingers.
Eggplant Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, they are different. Just based on the people I know personally, of the men who cheated, 70% were just looking for extra sex with no intent to leave. 30% were on the fence and considered leaving. Of that 30% who were on the fence, half left and half did not. Of the half that left for their affair partner, all of those subsequent relationships with the affair partner turned significant other/wife, all ended in divorce or separation from the AP turned SO/wife. Of the MWW who had affairs whom I know IRL, 66% were in it for the relationship, but the affair and their relationship ended with their AP. 33% of the MWW were just in it for the sex. Wow, you know a lot of people in affairs. I always assumed this information was hard to find out. People must confide in you. 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Statistics are mostly made up anyway so I might as well keep on going. I wonder if the percentage of high school boys that lie and say "I love you" just to get sex is the same as the percentage of cake eaters that say "I love you" to get sex on the side.... I'm going with 50% 1
KathyM Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Wow, you know a lot of people in affairs. I always assumed this information was hard to find out. People must confide in you. Most of these people are not currently in affairs, but had an affair in the past. When I consider the statistics from people I know who have had or are having an affair, which constitutes people that are either friends, relatives, or clients of mine (I'm a counselor), it amounts to 70% of the cheating men were just in it for the sex. 33% of the cheating women were hoping for a relationship. Fortunately, the majority of people I know have pretty good relationships and are faithful. 2
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Most of these people are not currently in affairs, but had an affair in the past. When I consider the statistics from people I know who have had or are having an affair, which constitutes people that are either friends, relatives, or clients of mine (I'm a counselor), it amounts to 70% of the cheating men were just in it for the sex. 33% of the cheating women were hoping for a relationship. Fortunately, the majority of people I know have pretty good relationships and are faithful. Ah good- you are a counselor-this is probably a pretty accurate statistic then. 70% cake. Sheesh don't post that on the OW/OM board there will be a riot. Why don't these guys try to get NSA sex then? Why lead women on and break their hearts and risk DDays? Isn't that dumb? 1
KathyM Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Most of these people are not currently in affairs, but had an affair in the past. When I consider the statistics from people I know who have had or are having an affair, which constitutes people that are either friends, relatives, or clients of mine (I'm a counselor), it amounts to 70% of the cheating men were just in it for the sex. 33% of the cheating women were hoping for a relationship. Fortunately, the majority of people I know have pretty good relationships and are faithful. Correction: 70% of cheating men were in it just for the sex. 33% of the cheating women were in it just for the sex. 30% of the cheating men considered or did actually have a relationship with the OW, with 15% leaving their SO for the OW. 100% of those that left for the OW ended up divorcing or separating from the OW. 66% of the MW wanted an actual exclusive relationship with the OM, and to leave their husband, but it never materialized in any of their cases. One is still married and in the affair. The others reconciled with their husband after the affair was discovered. 1
dichotomy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 An interesting add on. For either those that did it for the sex, or for a relationship... how many do you think don't really feel guilt or shame - feel justified or does not bother them unless they get caught. That is what percentage do you think have some sort of character disorder?
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 An interesting add on. For either those that did it for the sex, or for a relationship... how many do you think don't really feel guilt or shame - feel justified or does not bother them unless they get caught. That is what percentage do you think have some sort of character disorder? I've heard sociopaths make up somewhere between 3-9% of the general population, plus NPD-ers can have extreme lack of empathy- the % of that population is speculated in a big range from what I've read so, who knows... I guess it depends on the variables. Assuming nobody has cheated yet: Problem: WS wants to have sex and/or emotional relationships with other women but also stay married. 1. Does the marriage have an active emotional connection ? 2. Is marriage sexually active? 3. Has WS informed BS of his strong desire to have sex and/or relationships with other women so they can potentially devise a mutually acceptable solution together that does not involve betrayal and deception? A WS with this problem that has a good marriage and good sex life at home, who just feels entitled to having women on the side, and does not feel his wife is entitled to the same, and doesnt feel obligated to be honest with his wife, maybe NPD traits? Probably does not feel guilt. After DDay: Denier, minimizer, trickle truther A WS with this problem that has a good marriage and good sex life at home, that is scared to tell his wife and acts impulsively, probably does feel guilt- After DDay- confesses, reconciles, feels very confused, may or may not relapse, maybe has Madonna whore syndrome (if that is even real)? Maybe married the wrong woman and would be happier in an open marriage? sex addiction? Mommy issues? who knows. A WS with a good marriage and good sex life that tells his wife is attempting an open marriage, if she goes for it he still might cheat and so might she because this is a very difficult road to go down. If she says no he has the option to divorce and pursue his lifestyle honestly, or can attempt to go underground with it but that might be very difficult since he has already alerted the spouse. I think these two scenarios are extremely rare. WS has no emotional connection with wife, they are fighting a lot but still sexually active, he doesn't tell her and starts cheating- probably doesn't feel guilty at all. Feels justified. I don't think this indicates any personality disorder, just miserable. The WS in this scenario that tells wife: I think these are the majority of people you find at swingers clubs. WS has emotional connection/ loves BS but no sex life or in satisfying sex life: this could go a lot of different ways. I think this might be one of the most common one? I don't know. I can't guess on this one. WS has no emotional connection/ no sex life with BS: I think this is the story most commonly told to AP's? Staying for the kids, sense of obligation, financial, etc. Also can't really guess on this one. This one is a mystery to me why the WS wouldn't just flat out tell the BS it's time to start dating other people, trial seperation, or something. Conclusion- I think charachter disorders (lack of empathy/remorse) are represented at a higher percentage in cake eaters than in the general population because of the nature of their activities- sort of like you will find more sociopaths in prison than in the gen pop.
janedoe67 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I was sex starved, so the A was supposed to be about sex. But I ended up feeling somewhat emotionally conflicted, though it never entered my mind to leave for the OM. I thought I could just be happy in my sexless marriage and get sex elsewhere, but that makes one empty and cheap, honestly. I wasn't wired for empty, casual sex. I couldn't reconcile having sex with others and continually lying (even if it was by omission) to my husband, so it was actually a bit of a relief for everything to come out. I know how awful and selfish that sounds. I don't think I could do the indefinite cake-eating thing. As much as I need touch/affection/sex, it is better to go without and not be lying than it is to have empty affection and know every time I look at my husband I am lying to him. 4
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I was sex starved, so the A was supposed to be about sex. But I ended up feeling somewhat emotionally conflicted, though it never entered my mind to leave for the OM. I thought I could just be happy in my sexless marriage and get sex elsewhere, but that makes one empty and cheap, honestly. I wasn't wired for empty, casual sex. I couldn't reconcile having sex with others and continually lying (even if it was by omission) to my husband, so it was actually a bit of a relief for everything to come out. I know how awful and selfish that sounds. I don't think I could do the indefinite cake-eating thing. As much as I need touch/affection/sex, it is better to go without and not be lying than it is to have empty affection and know every time I look at my husband I am lying to him. How are things going now with him? How is he doing? How are you doing?
janedoe67 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 We are moving forward. I am learning to be content.
beatcuff Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 i think many of these responses are jumping ahead to the end. i think nearly all START as cake eaters. WS are window shopping/curious/'how's that lawn?' and never intend to leave. look at strip clubs --- sorry 'gentleman clubs for wary business travelers': nearly all men go once, lots from time to time (with the guys) but few are regulars. for those that chose to 'test the water' nearly all would never leave if not caught.
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