Confusion_Reigns Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I am not divorced yet. He won't leave. He might kick my ass before he leaves, and I don't much like getting my ass kicked. He *LOVES* me so much that he will never truly let me go. I will need to go into hiding for a time and I have no desire to hide and no place to hide at anyway. Truthfully, as sick and crazy at it sounds I do still love him in a way and HOPEHOPEHOPEHOPE that someday he can be a better man. F'ing hope is a killer. I'm afraid. Honestly, I am afraid of all of that and many other things that I don't understand and can't understand because I can't see these things. He is trying so hard right now...things he's never done before...I want to feel it and I'm trying to feel it...but I'm just not...and that saddens me to no end. Our kids love him....he's a good dad...bad husband...is it right for me to rip that away from them because I'm f'ed in the head right now? IS it the right thing to do to put my happiness over my children's happiness? ....and way-way....waaayyy....deep down inside I think that it doesn't truly matter because this guy, my friend, probably really is just like ever other man I've ever known...and so do I trade the devil I know for the one I don't? At the very-very least with my husband my kids have a man in their immediately life that WILL go to the ends of the Earth for them. I'm a strong woman, an adult woman, who can/will/does take care of herself....my kids are not, yet, and so they need more than me...and if I leave him he will do all he can to make my life a living hell and therefore our kids lives will be living hells... and I contemplate my kids future against my future.....and hands down, ever single time my kids will always win. so why haven't I divorced their dad yet? To explore my own desires? that's why.
bentleychic Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 He can still be a good dad if you are divorced. My exH was a horrible H and not a good dad. He's become a better dad since we separated b/c he realized they were the only family that he had left and he was losing them by his actions. It sounds like you're mainly staying out of fear, though. I TOTALLY understand and sympathize. BTDT, wasted 16 years of my life on that. You can't make him change, no matter how much you want to. For me, it took a clear THIS IS IT sign to make me leave. I hope that you get one of those soon and it doesn't take you getting seriously hurt by him to make it happen.
The Way I Am Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 He won't leave. He might kick my ass before he leaves, and I don't much like getting my ass kicked. He *LOVES* me so much that he will never truly let me go. I will need to go into hiding for a time and I have no desire to hide and no place to hide at anyway. I'm not sure how to take this. Do you mean this literally? Are you worried he would harm you physically? Did you start feeling this unhappy before you met OM? Has it gotten worse since you met him? What have you and your husband done to work on your marriage? I don't quite understand why you want separate posts between those about OM and those about your marriage. They're tied together. You can't really address what to do with OM without addressing what you want to do with your marriage. If you want to be with OM, you either have to cheat or get a divorce. You said you won't cheat, so that only leaves one option. If you won't get a divorce and won't cheat, you can either continue to miserably pine for OM (until you cave to cheating) or let go of him and try to find happiness in your marriage.
Pierre Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I am not divorced yet. He won't leave. He might kick my ass before he leaves, and I don't much like getting my ass kicked. He *LOVES* me so much that he will never truly let me go. I will need to go into hiding for a time and I have no desire to hide and no place to hide at anyway. Truthfully, as sick and crazy at it sounds I do still love him in a way and HOPEHOPEHOPEHOPE that someday he can be a better man. F'ing hope is a killer. I'm afraid. Honestly, I am afraid of all of that and many other things that I don't understand and can't understand because I can't see these things. He is trying so hard right now...things he's never done before...I want to feel it and I'm trying to feel it...but I'm just not...and that saddens me to no end. Our kids love him....he's a good dad...bad husband...is it right for me to rip that away from them because I'm f'ed in the head right now? IS it the right thing to do to put my happiness over my children's happiness? ....and way-way....waaayyy....deep down inside I think that it doesn't truly matter because this guy, my friend, probably really is just like ever other man I've ever known...and so do I trade the devil I know for the one I don't? At the very-very least with my husband my kids have a man in their immediately life that WILL go to the ends of the Earth for them. I'm a strong woman, an adult woman, who can/will/does take care of herself....my kids are not, yet, and so they need more than me...and if I leave him he will do all he can to make my life a living hell and therefore our kids lives will be living hells... and I contemplate my kids future against my future.....and hands down, ever single time my kids will always win. so why haven't I divorced their dad yet? To explore my own desires? that's why. OK, so you are cake eating. The OM gives you the butterflies and the rest of the marriage is on your H. Keep it going, but do not sleep with OM. You made a good point above. You feel that OM may be just like all the other crappy men. You may have a point! Outstanding men do not romance married women. But, I get your point. Your H has not been a saint. Nevertheless,as long as OM meets your need for the romance part you may never fall for you H again. Try to learn how to live in compartments. Create two different universes and see how it goes,
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 But I thought "cake" was supposed to be delicious and yummy...what I'm experiencing isn't delicious or yummy...it's confusion and a bit hateful. Yes, he literally might just kick my ass...and then again maybe not...he hasn't hit me in years, many years...but the memories don't go away. Have I been this unhappy prior to meeting OM? Yes and no. Mostly I was content to live my life and just 'be' in the moment. Now...well, I think I never really thought about anything likes this before so my everything is different, changing somehow...I'd think that meeting him and talking to him has changed me. H has really done much to work on the marriage...he tells me it's my fault and that I need to change...that nothing is wrong with him and that counselors cannot help him...or us...but now he's done a round-about and he's willing to go to marriage counseling with me....but other than saying he's willing to go...and being more kind and attentive towards me nothing really has changed all that much. This 'calm' that we are experiencing right now we have experienced before and everything has come full circle and we're back at the beginning...so I'm having a real hard time believing that this time thing will really change for the long term.
The Way I Am Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm horrified that he's hit you before, and you're still with him. It's not ok that he hit you ever. The fact that your physical safety is a factor in your consideration to leave your marriage makes me sad for you. Why did you stay with him after he hit you? Have you ever gone to individual counseling to address that? Has he? I'm a bit torn on what to advise you. On the one hand, I'd like to say you should give your marriage a chance and try to push for him to follow through on his offer to get marriage counseling. But on the other, I have a hard time with advising someone to stay with a person they're afraid of because that person has hit them before.
Quiet Storm Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I would do counseling and try to work on the marriage for your kids sake. Cut off the OM and focus your energy on your husband & kids. Your husband wants to save your family. Your kids would feel it's worth saving. Give it a chance. Try to see things differently- view your husband and your kids as a unit- a unit that should be treasured, protected & respected. You both have made mistakes, but you can forgive each other and find a way back.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I'm telling you that the OM really is a good friend to me. He's advised me to do the same, work on the marriage...go to counseling and to work on the spirituality of our marriage and ourselves. He's never said anything inappropriate or suggestive to me at all. Maybe I read too much into his kindness...maybe I don't believe men can be that kind without wanting more from a woman. Idk, but I'm still very thankful for him being in my life. So, this is what I'll do...because of the kind words I've received here, because my friend says it's a good thing to do...because of my kids...and because something inside of me says that I can't just walk away without trying...really trying something drastically different and positive that we've never done before. I have no idea how to pick a marriage counselor...I really don't have much to chose from here where I live...I have no idea if we can afford this and I don't know if our health insurance covers this...there's a lady marriage counselor about an hour away from us that is the closest. The next closest is about 2-3 hours away. I'm not going to sit in a car with him after these sessions for a whole 2 or 3 hours while he stews and drives angry. Not going to set myself up like that. Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts.
Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'm telling you that the OM really is a good friend to me. He's advised me to do the same, work on the marriage...go to counseling and to work on the spirituality of our marriage and ourselves. He's never said anything inappropriate or suggestive to me at all. Maybe I read too much into his kindness...maybe I don't believe men can be that kind without wanting more from a woman. Idk, but I'm still very thankful for him being in my life. So, this is what I'll do...because of the kind words I've received here, because my friend says it's a good thing to do...because of my kids...and because something inside of me says that I can't just walk away without trying...really trying something drastically different and positive that we've never done before. I have no idea how to pick a marriage counselor...I really don't have much to chose from here where I live...I have no idea if we can afford this and I don't know if our health insurance covers this...there's a lady marriage counselor about an hour away from us that is the closest. The next closest is about 2-3 hours away. I'm not going to sit in a car with him after these sessions for a whole 2 or 3 hours while he stews and drives angry. Not going to set myself up like that. Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts. Had no idea H hit you in the past. The standard advice is to leave. However, you stated it did not happen again. The concept of your EA partner giving you marital advice has been done before. It does not work!!!!!!!!!!!:eek: The more marital counseling OM gives you the more you want to F--ck his brains out. It is the oldest trick in the book because it allows more emotional closeness between you and OM. There is a simple solution to this ordeal that is not making you happy: Find out what are the no.1 emotional needs of your H and meet those needs consistently. Be caring, happy, helpful, and a good sport. Do not behave like the wife from hell. If your H is halfway normal he will fall for you big time and start to treat you better. It is difficult to mistreat a person that treats us well 100% of the time. He will have no choice but to be a nice H. If H behaves badly despite your best efforts then he is a 'dick" and you have your answer. IN the mean time tell OM that you need to stop talking to him to fix your marriage. If OM's counseling is truly given as a friend he will back away. If OM just wants to sleep with you he will be disappointed.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 You assume I'm a wife from hell. I'm not. I know you probably won't believe me...and it seems you may even think that I am the reason why my husband has hit me (more than once but not for a long time) in the past. Do you think I deserve to be hit by him since I'm a wife from hell? No. I don't think that at all and I'm living this life. So basically you are saying that I should just give myself up and be who/what my husband wants, only his wants/needs are relevant in this situation...I should not have my own wants/needs....and I should make sure he's taken care of - at all times and at all costs? I don't think I can do that without basically killing my own spirit. My friend has already backed away and given me space...you really do assume a lot with very little information.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) Both of us have full-time jobs and we both have employee health coverage. Neither on of our plans covers marriage counseling. They cover individual counseling and family counseling. So...idk what to do... I've looking up info on line about counseling and came across this article which concerns me... William Doherty: How Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health Edited August 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed url to commercial website
Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 You assume I'm a wife from hell. I'm not. I know you probably won't believe me...and it seems you may even think that I am the reason why my husband has hit me (more than once but not for a long time) in the past. Do you think I deserve to be hit by him since I'm a wife from hell? No. I don't think that at all and I'm living this life. So basically you are saying that I should just give myself up and be who/what my husband wants, only his wants/needs are relevant in this situation...I should not have my own wants/needs....and I should make sure he's taken care of - at all times and at all costs? I don't think I can do that without basically killing my own spirit. My friend has already backed away and given me space...you really do assume a lot with very little information. No, I did not say you are the wife from hell. And I did not imply you deserved to be hit. What I am telling you is very basic stuff about human interaction which also applies to couples. If someone treats me warmly I tend to also treat them warmly. If they are cold to me, i also tend to be cold with them. If they yell at me, i will yell back. If they are kind to me i have no choice but to be kind in return. This is not a war where you are supposed to inflict punishment and have resentment forever. Someone needs to start to behave in a very nice manner and hopefully this will be reciprocated. What do you think a marriage counselor is going to tell you? Otherwise, throw in the towel.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 If someone treats me warmly I tend to also treat them warmly. If they are cold to me, i also tend to be cold with them. If they yell at me, i will yell back. If they are kind to me i have no choice but to be kind in return. Logic says this is right. Reality says hell no. I am nice...maybe too nice...I don't yell and scream (never have as I wasn't raised that way)...I do tend to withdraw when feeling overwhelmed...and he hates that and comes at me with more force (either positive or negative) to get me to react. I treat him with respect. and thru out all of this I have no idea when he's going to snap at me or on me....well, no I do have an idea it's when I don't do what he wants me to do...well, maybe I want to do what I want to do? I don't think that should be a problem. but apparently it is. I don't have any idea what a marriage counselor would tell us. I've run out of ideas of my own. Being nice doesn't' work. Being hard doesn't work. I simply do not know what to do now and I figure we need some help to find new ideas, new things to try, that will help us and help our marriage. I have found out that we do not have health coverage to do this anyway. So it's a moot point....and I still don't know what to do.
Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Logic says this is right. Reality says hell no. I am nice...maybe too nice...I don't yell and scream (never have as I wasn't raised that way)...I do tend to withdraw when feeling overwhelmed...and he hates that and comes at me with more force (either positive or negative) to get me to react. I treat him with respect. and thru out all of this I have no idea when he's going to snap at me or on me....well, no I do have an idea it's when I don't do what he wants me to do...well, maybe I want to do what I want to do? I don't think that should be a problem. but apparently it is. I don't have any idea what a marriage counselor would tell us. I've run out of ideas of my own. Being nice doesn't' work. Being hard doesn't work. I simply do not know what to do now and I figure we need some help to find new ideas, new things to try, that will help us and help our marriage. I have found out that we do not have health coverage to do this anyway. So it's a moot point....and I still don't know what to do. If what you say is true. If you are nice and he is not then I am out of solutions. He is the one that needs intensive counseling. Have you stated to him these things?
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 ....and way-way....waaayyy....deep down inside I think that it doesn't truly matter because this guy, my friend, probably really is just like ever other man I've ever known...and so do I trade the devil I know for the one I don't? . Many abused women have this mentality and it is soooooo wrong. You are very mistaken. the vast majority of men are NOT abusers. Many abused women grew up in abusive environments and it is "normal" to them and they don't believe they can avoid it. this is what is called the "cycle of abuse." By thinking that and by staying, you are teaching your daughter how to be abused and teaching her that it is to be expected and accepted You are also teaching your son that it is OK and expected and accepted to abuse women when he gets frustrated or angry. You are actually harming and setting your children up to be future abusers and victims by buying into this mindset and by allowing yourself to be mistreated.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Perrie, yes I've told him. Will he go to counseling? He absolutely refused marriage counseling for a very long time, and then just last week said he'd go if I make the apt he'd go. but we can't afford to go, so that's that. Will he go to individual counseling? I don't really know, but I highly doubt it. I found an article on line about the dangers of marriage counseling and so now am concerned about us going and actually receiving help that will help us. Old shirt, yea, I've heard this and believe that it could be true but the reality is that it doesn't' have to be true for them. They get to decide.
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