OrangeSnack Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It has been about a month since I spoke to my ex gf/date, whatever you want to call it. The jist of the story was basically we were very compatible and was "dating" for about a month. Everything was perfect: meaning the affection, passion, and chemistry was there. All of sudden, one day I get a tearful/thank you phone call from her (I sent chocolates to her work) she disappears on me because her friend had passed away. After several weeks of trying to reconcile (i tried to schedule a meetup which she accepted and then bailed last minute) and allowing her to grieve. I went NC for about 4-5 days and one day she texts me saying that she's back! As we texted briefly I found out through her that it was an ex boyfriend whom had passed away and that she is currently on a recovery health plan. She also told me that she was sorry for this whole thing and etc etc. After this she stopped responding to my texts. If my memory serves me right, I texted her 3 more times, two of the texts were a no response text and my last one was "How are you doing?" Trust me I was heart broken and I know we only dated for a month but everything was going so well... It took me about 2-3 weeks to get back on my feet again. I felt a lot of pain and I was on this site seeking for advices. Many of whom had suggested NC so I did. And by doing so, I removed her as a friend from facebook and deleted everything and anything that reminded me of her. I kept myself busy: I found my old love of playing hockey again and wanting to be toner. Heck, I am even thinking of going back to running again (we used to do this a lot as a couple but I stopped because it reminded me of her). Furthermore, I decided to hasten my launch of a fashion accessories startup, which have been going extremely well for the past 2 months. I'm beginning to reconnect to friends whom I haven't spoke to for several months and I have been going out a lot with them. At the same time, I am keeping my eyes open for opportunities whom may come my way . I am not sure if I have fully healed from my "shortened relationship" but I would say that I am almost there! I do wonder if me blocking her from all the social media and deleting everything/anything that reminds me of her is childish or immature on my end? Sure, she was not reciprocating but at times I'm like "did I act immature and selfish? She did have an ex pass away..." But then again, there are times when I think this was an excuse for her to get out of a heated relationship because she would act so normal with her friends like nothing bad had happened in her life, but maybe that's how she grieved? Why am I having regrets of NC and blocking her from social media right now after a month of NC. Is this normal? I thought I was okay but all of sudden I had the urge to post this. The temptation of contacting her is there and sometimes I wonder if she realizes that I unfriended her from facebook. I admit, there are times when I do go on there and check up on her status but it doesn't phase me since we aren't friends anymore. Suggestion/advice?
broken_hearted20135 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It was maybe a bit of an overreaction in your case but if you don't see a friendship or romantic future there who cares really. You'll know next time. For longer relationships I would say it's a good idea. I was with my ex for 4 years and I deleted him a few days after we broke up. I also deleted his group of friends as they were liable to post photos of him and plus it wasn't like I'm going to hang out with them now. I do sometimes regret it one month onand worry about how it has made me look aka hurt and bitter and wish maybe I'd just blocked them then I could unblock them. However, I can also remember my mindset after the breakup and I would just have unblocked them to stalk and it would not have been healthy. And at the end of the day if I want any of them to be a part of my life in the future I would hope they understand my reasons for doing what I did and if they didn't I wouldquite frankly probably not want them in my life. Just do what you need to do to heal, f what other people think
youngnlove89 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This was also my fear at first. I was afraid of coming off as wounded, immature, childish or still harboring ill feelings. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't okay or that I was ignoring him because I still care. Even though I do. But subtracting him from my life and remaining NC is purely for selfish reasons. And it's perfectly okay to be selfish after a breakup. The only person you should be thinking about is yourself and what will be the best option for you to heal and move on. There is no option for friendship with me. He couldn't offer me a relationship, I can't offer him a friendship. It's a lose, lose situation for us. I can’t choose who stays in my heart, but I can choose who stays in my life. Staying NC is for you, not for them. If our ex's were to remain in our life we would never let go. We would constantly be reminded of them and that just sucks. I want to move on and move forward. Plus, when I meet someone new it wouldn't be respectful to them to have an ex lover in my life. I don't owe my ex anything. If he contacts, I simply ignore. He is the one who wished to say goodbye, and I am respecting his choice. Now he needs to respect mine. 2
aloneinaz Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I know it hurts but it's the wise thing to do. NC is for you to heal and move on. You can't do that when the ex is still in your life in any capacity. I couldn't be friends with an ex until MAYBE several years had passed. I'm friend now with several ex's from 20 years ago on Facebook. We comment on each others posts, etc.. Don't beat yourself up. Blocking and removing them from your life is the prudent thing to do. Don't feel like that couldn't track you down if they really needed to, cause they can.
lop98 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You could've been with her for a month, 10 years, a day or never, if feelings are not recyprocal and it hurts you and you have no choice but to move on, moving on usually does benefit from the out of sight, out of mind mentality. So, no, I don't think it's childish or immature at all, it's necessary and something you'll be glad to have done in the long run, when you look back at the amount of time you've been NC now, focusing on your life and maybe just having doubts and compare it to how you would've wasted it expecting instead, expecting something that evidently was not strong enough to continue.
AllTooWell Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Firstly it's not full NC if you are checking her social media. Secondly, you want to unblock her or contact her because you still have feelings for her and you miss her. Your fear of cutting her out comes from a fear of losing her (surprise, you've already lost her.) You didn't act immature or selfishly. This girl removed you from your life by ending things - you simply carried out her decision and moved on with your life. I had been in NC since the day me and my ex broke up. I would ignore his messages for weeks, but eventually miss him and reply. The last time I cut him out, I went NC for 2 weeks. These were the best 2 weeks since we had broken up. I felt whole, I felt detached, and when I saw him again I felt so grateful that I had removed him from my life because it really helped me gain insight on the situation. NC was broken because we were at the same bar and he asked me to talk. Stupid, drunken me agreed. Now I can't even call it no contact because if we talk, we talk, and if we don't, we don't. We're broken up and I have moved past that, and am indifferent to what happens now. Until you reach that point, you are not ready to break contact. 1
HopelessRomantick Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I wonder if my ex considered her cheating on me immature before she went ahead and did it and then lied and broke up with me because "she wanted to experience dating other people". And then asked me to continue to be her BFF? It's not immature... It's what is best for us! Don't 2nd guess yourself. 1
HopelessRomantick Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It was maybe a bit of an overreaction in your case but if you don't see a friendship or romantic future there who cares really. You'll know next time. For longer relationships I would say it's a good idea. I was with my ex for 4 years and I deleted him a few days after we broke up. I also deleted his group of friends as they were liable to post photos of him and plus it wasn't like I'm going to hang out with them now. I do sometimes regret it one month onand worry about how it has made me look aka hurt and bitter and wish maybe I'd just blocked them then I could unblock them. However, I can also remember my mindset after the breakup and I would just have unblocked them to stalk and it would not have been healthy. And at the end of the day if I want any of them to be a part of my life in the future I would hope they understand my reasons for doing what I did and if they didn't I wouldquite frankly probably not want them in my life. Just do what you need to do to heal, f what other people think After a year of BU, [she did it], I deleted her from FB. Now weeks later I too think I should have blocked instead of deleted. But I guess overall deleted is best.
Author OrangeSnack Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Right on... Most of you guys have given me great pointers and I appreciate it. But most of you all have been "official" or have dated your exs for at least over a year. It is hard for me to grasp that because what she and I had was so short yet it threw me on an emotional tantrum. It felt like we've known each other for a long time. Remaining NC is the way to go. I never realized that checking her on Facebook is a big nono, I guess I didn't thoroughly read through the NC guidelines.
SadHumiliated Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The thing is, when our exes dump us because 1. They want to "play the field" 2. cheated 3. Need space 4. Need to find themselves 5. Don't want to be in a relationship even though they pushed to start one ...they aren't thinking of you. They are thinking of themselves. The render you powerless in this decision because it no longer involves you. When you go No Contact you get to regain your power. No contact is about protecting you and putting tight emotional boundaries around yourself so you don't become their fallback, or second choice, or whatever. It's not immature to protect yourself and your emotions. It's one of the healthiest and more self-assured thing you can do. I was cheated on back in March, and went no contact. I was only with him about 6 months. He started dating the girl he cheated with and I go to school with both. No contact has been a lifesaver and has 100% helped me to protect my emotions, focus myself on my gradwork, and help me move on. Had I tried to stay in contact or been cordial to him I would've never gotten here. No contact made me feel powerful when he made me powerless through cheating. I will never regret going no contact. In hindsight, neither will you. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Right on... Most of you guys have given me great pointers and I appreciate it. But most of you all have been "official" or have dated your exs for at least over a year. It is hard for me to grasp that because what she and I had was so short yet it threw me on an emotional tantrum. It felt like we've known each other for a long time. Remaining NC is the way to go. I never realized that checking her on Facebook is a big nono, I guess I didn't thoroughly read through the NC guidelines. A break is a break. Doesn't really matter how long the relationship was. If it was characterized as a relationship or had those qualities, NC is the way to go. I came here from a short relationship, but NC was definitely the right decision for me until I chilled out. 2
lop98 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Exactly, Simon. My relationship lasted a month (granted I had been close with this person for over 6 years) and it was the hardest thing to recover from... only strict NC (which I never needed in previous LTR) got me through it, it was truly devastating for me, there was no other way but to apply all sorts of distance and remove all reminders. I'm almost there, it's been months...
D-Lish Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) A short term relationship can hurt just as much when it ends as one that lasts much longer. There is so much intensity involved in the beginning- and your partner will never sit any higher on "that pedestal". Who knows, you may have broken up with her 3 months in because her true colours came out and you discovered not only was she not perfect- but downright crazy. NC is the only way to go. From everything you've said- she's not responding to you despite multiple attempts at contact. It hurts, and it sucks, but deleting her from social media, deleting her number is the only way to go. Every body seems "perfect" initially- and I think that's why early break-ups hit people so hard. You believe you've lost the perfect person- even though it's pretty safe to say, you hadn't yet met the real person sitting perched on that pedestal yet. Edited July 30, 2013 by D-Lish 4
Sugarkane Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I don't think NC is immature at all. Especially with passive aggressive, lying and vindictive dumpers who blame everything on you, especially if they cheated. Even more so when they get off on hurting people and care about no one but themselves. You don't have to answer their psycho breadcrumbs and gaslighting. 1
Sugarkane Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Also painting you black just to blame everything in you. Who needs that?
Author OrangeSnack Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I don't think NC is immature at all. Especially with passive aggressive, lying and vindictive dumpers who blame everything on you, especially if they cheated. Even more so when they get off on hurting people and care about no one but themselves. You don't have to answer their psycho breadcrumbs and gaslighting. Appreciate your response! But I don't know for a fact whether or not she lied about the situation. It's my gut feeling that this whole "event" or "excuse" was made up. If my gut feeling was truly real, then she really played me like a fool and she is a sick and evil person. I mean who make's up some **** like that about an ex passing away? Hell, I'd be pissed if she was also seeing someone else. But who cares right? The past is the past and I need to move forward. She is the one that stopped everything. I tried my very best to show my interest. Heck at times, I think I tried too hard and it made me look like a starve puppy and believe me that was not my intention to look desperate. Regardless this experience has taught me a lot about myself and I am very blessed that this had happened a lot earlier than later down the road. Sometimes I think it's related to how she was raised up because when she was little, her father left her without giving her family a reason. Thus, she may feel it is acceptable to do the same to someone whom she's in a relationship or is dating? I really do respect girls/women that would tell us guys straight out that they don't want to be in a relationship instead of just stringing us along but then again, everyone is different and sometimes you will never get closure from an ex. I guess that's part of being in a relationship and that's something that you will have to endure. The way I see it, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." On the plus side, I think i've grew a thicker layer of skin than ever before. I don't think i'm completely healed because I had been checking out her facebook once every week because I always wondered if she knew I defriended her. Prior to our NC, I would even drive to where she works and check to see whether or not her car is there (I know lol, stalkish alert and I can laugh about how attached I was but then again, I truly had feelings for this gal because if this was some one night stand, I wouldn't give a rats you know what).
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