yoyomahh Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hi all. This question may have been answered previously but I didn't really get a sense that it fit my circumstance, so I decided to post my situation in hopes I could get unbiased help... Here's the scoop...my GF and I have been in a relationship for approx. 11-12 months now. We met thru one of the online dating sites. Although it has been good for the most part (respect, friendship, etc.) she is extremely cold and in the bedroom to me. To the point that we are 'together' at the most 1x per month (it never was more than that), and now it's even less. When we are together, we don't kiss (she prefers a peck), foreplay is a zero (from her) and doesn't initiate anything with me, ever. She lies still and I swear it's hard to hear her breathing. We have discussed this lack of passion in the past, and well, her response was that my smoking is turning her off. I'll go on to say that I smoke very little and when I do go see her I am scrubbed clean, every time, head (mouth) to toe. I go to great lengths to ensure that I am super scent free. Yes I know I have to quit, so lets just put that aside for now. The problem is, this frigidity has become more pronounced. To the point that I touch and kiss her and be as humanly romantic as possible and she does nothing...like a possum. I am at the point of just walking away...the other night, nothing happened again. I woke up early at her house, got dressed and left. I know she knows I am ticked off, yet she is a person who believes strongly about things and is string in her convictions. On the other hand, I believe this is an important bonding component of a healthy relationship and without it, not much will grow. Am I being unreasonable...is this grounds to chuck a relationship in the trash? I think I know the answer, I am just checking in with others to validate this...thanks in advance.
BradJacobs Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Are you going to be happy in a year when you've only had sex six times as opposed to twelve over the last year? If not, walk. It's her issue or her issue with you. Either way she doesn't appear to care to change.
Keenly Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It's pretty clear she has little to no interest in you sexually. Might be time to leave if you need that kind of thing. 3
Shaun-Dro Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Hi all. This question may have been answered previously but I didn't really get a sense that it fit my circumstance, so I decided to post my situation in hopes I could get unbiased help... <snip> Am I being unreasonable...is this grounds to chuck a relationship in the trash? I think I know the answer, I am just checking in with others to validate this...thanks in advance. Are you so spineless to put up with this tyrant? Kick her to the curb. Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator error 2
Author yoyomahh Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 No I wont be happier in 6 days let alone six months. Just an aside...we went on a trip Vegas in April. We stayed in a super romantic suite on the strip. Nothing...zero...notta, the entire week. In fact she was happy to roll over on her side and sleep. I mean seriously, who goes to vegas with their SO with no intention of being romantic? Maybe plenty do, but odds are they are the minority!
clia Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It sounds like she's not attracted to you. By the way, what do you mean when you say you smoke "very little"? As an ex-smoker, I can assure you that no matter how clean smelling you think you are...you still smell/taste like smoke. The only way to get rid of it is to quit. If that is indeed what is turning her off (which wouldn't be surprising to me), and everything else is going well, you might consider quitting smoking before you dump her entirely to see if things change.
Author yoyomahh Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 @ Shaun Dro... Ok...I get it...sometimes you have to fire a brick someone's head to get him to wake up. ...some background on me...was married for 19 years. Wife cheated on me...I left her, and divorced her. I may be gun shy...?
Author yoyomahh Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 It sounds like she's not attracted to you. By the way, what do you mean when you say you smoke "very little"? As an ex-smoker, I can assure you that no matter how clean smelling you think you are...you still smell/taste like smoke. The only way to get rid of it is to quit. If that is indeed what is turning her off (which wouldn't be surprising to me), and everything else is going well, you might consider quitting smoking before you dump her entirely to see if things change. I have gone from a couple of days to a week without smoking and nothing changes. When I say little I mean 4-5 a day, with a 5-6 hour buffer before I see her.
Moonless sky Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You seriously need to sit her down and tell her what's going on with you one last time. See how she responds and what she says. Give her at least that and then you need to decide on how you feel from her response. Maybe there's more truth to this that she is holding back. I really doubt it's just because you smoke. I do think that no matter how much you clean yourself though, you will still have the scent on you. Still not a reason to hold back if she has deep feelings for you.
KathyM Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Some people are very sensitive to smoke, and can smell it on a person's clothes, body and breath, even if you try hard to conceal it. The smell of smoke gets into your carpet, your clothes, your air, your hair, etc., and even if you bathe, wash your hair and use mouthwash, your clean clothes hanging on the rack in an apartment where you have smoked will absorb the smell of smoke from your apartment. You may not recognize the smell, because you are habituated to it, but she is not. The smell is often a turn off for non-smokers. For this reason alone, because you are a smoker and she is not, shows that you are not a match, and should probably go your separate ways. If she is telling you the smell of smoke is turning her off, then she's probably being honest. It IS a turn off for people who are sensitive to smoke. I remember when my son used to hang out with a buddy whose parents were smokers. He would come back from there with his clothes smelling so much like smoke after spending time there , it was nasty. He was only a 5 year old at the time, so I know he wasn't smoking himself, but his clothes and hair absorbed the smell of smoke from the parents' house. 3
SensitiveTJ Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 The smoking thing is really a non-issue. She knows and knew that you smoked when you started dating, I assume, so it's foolish to hold that against you now. She doesn't want to have sex, dude. No mystery. You should move on. 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Why would you want to work this hard for so little reward? jeesh man, just leave, this is ridiculous! You'd get more response from a plank with a hole in it!! 4
therhythm Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This is a deal breaker for me... I would be already out of that relationship... 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This is a deal breaker for me... I would be already out of that relationship... With her record, I would never have gotten into it! 1
Els Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Your smoking turning her off is actually a legit reason (I personally have zero interest in kissing a smoker, sorry, much less getting intimate with him) - but why is she even with you in the first place? It sounds like you've always been a smoker, yes? In that case, she's had 12 months to decide that this R wasn't for her... and yet here she still is. Probably best for both of you if you were to be the one to rip off the bandaid so both of you can seek more compatible people. 1
hestheone66 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 some things are just relationship deal breakers.. she is your Gf, not your sister.. does she show you any warmth but just witholds physical intimacy? do you find her really attractive? if so, do you let her know. sounds like you are involved with soneone but. neither of you have strong feelings and both too acared to just sax goodbye. stop wasting your life... btw i have sex about 10. times a week with a guyand we are apparently not in an exclusive relationship..why? cos physical intimacy is vitally important to us. keeps passion strong. you nailed it when you mentioned the Vegas trip...her actions demonstrate you are just her O, not SO
BeholdtheMan Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The smoking thing is a...smokescreen. She's using it to conceal the real issue: lack of attraction. Time to move on brah 1
supaflyz Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I think your relationship is about to end. Women will withold sex and intimacy and affection when its near the end.
tbf Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Your smoking turning her off is actually a legit reason (I personally have zero interest in kissing a smoker, sorry, much less getting intimate with him) - but why is she even with you in the first place? It sounds like you've always been a smoker, yes? In that case, she's had 12 months to decide that this R wasn't for her... and yet here she still is. Probably best for both of you if you were to be the one to rip off the bandaid so both of you can seek more compatible people.To expand on this, she sounds like the passive-aggressive type, incapable of breaking up so she's pushing you away so you'll do the deed. 1
Maleficent Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 How are the other aspects of the relationship? Is she as emotionally distant than she is sexually? Keep in mind that there are people who are just not into having sex at all. As far as smoking goes - it feels like an excuse to me. I am a ex smoker and dated smokers. It's not the best smell in the world but when you're attracted to someone, it doesn't matter. I have yet to meet a smoker who is as respectful to a non-smoker partner as you are though. From what you are telling us, it looks like you aren't doing anything wrong. Unfortunately, if you break up with her, you will be the assface who dumped her for not putting out. It sucks.
Author yoyomahh Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Unfortunately, if you break up with her, you will be the assface who dumped her for not putting out. It sucks. This is what I suspect to be the real reason why she stuck it out, at least up until now. I will have to do the dirty work, and I'll look bad... I can see her point of view, it's a deal breaker for her. The S*x thing however, is a major deal breaker for me. Alienating someone like this and making them feel unwanted is very difficult to take, considering my Ex did this. I had 7 years of it until I left her. I wont wait 7 years this time. I didn't mention she is a psychologist...so yeah...I feel like I'm bringing a knife to a gun fight...
Author yoyomahh Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 To expand on this, she sounds like the passive-aggressive type, incapable of breaking up so she's pushing you away so you'll do the deed. I agree...100%
Maleficent Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 This is what I suspect to be the real reason why she stuck it out, at least up until now. I will have to do the dirty work, and I'll look bad... I can see her point of view, it's a deal breaker for her. The S*x thing however, is a major deal breaker for me. Alienating someone like this and making them feel unwanted is very difficult to take, considering my Ex did this. I had 7 years of it until I left her. I wont wait 7 years this time. I didn't mention she is a psychologist...so yeah...I feel like I'm bringing a knife to a gun fight... She is a psychologist?? How old is she? I mean this is the kind of behavior I'd expect from someone in their early twenties....if she is a psychologist I assume she is in her late twenties... First, if the fact you smoke is a deal breaker for her, then she should just break up with you and not string you along until you decide you've had enough of this ****. Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Just don't fight. Do the dirty work and move on.
TaraMaiden Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I didn't mention she is a psychologist...so yeah...I feel like I'm bringing a knife to a gun fight... You're kidding me!! Talk about 'physician, heal thyself'...!!
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