SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Well, here I am, two months into my relationship with this new girl. I really like her, we get each other and have a ton in common. So much so that we've already talked about what the future might hold if we were to work together for it and be together for it. We're both 40, neither ever married, each with a varying degree of past issues, obviously, and I think both pretty happy to meet a kindred spirit. When you're at this stage in the game and meet someone you click like that with, I think you need to plan to win. But here's my recent hiccup. She's just started working and hardly had two cents to rub together for these last two months. I didn't mind. I would pay the tab without an issue, I put gas in her car, bought some stuff, covered some things. I help out where I could just 'cause. She does stuff too, of course. She tidies up my house when over, cooks food for me and guests, foots the bill when she can even though she really had nothing, and is very affectionate, nurturing, and caring. Def contributes! However, despite all of this this and the talk of tandem forward momentum, we were hanging out with a mutual new acquaintance the other day and I overheard my girl say "I". A lot. We have planned a trip out to see her family at the end of the month. One that we will take in my car, 'cause her's is too small. It was a trip she invited me on. But she kept saying "I". "I'm going to the coast.", "I'm going to drive", "I'll see my family." This really jolted me. I know it's the kind of thing that isn't a really, really big deal, but I also know I felt right to be upset about it. I mentioned it to her and she was very apologetic. She said it was the kind of thing that would upset her, too. She has been alone and self reliant for a long, long time, across multiple moves and changes, and said that she's just used to saying it that way, even though she, of course, 100%, sees it as "we". On top of this, and contributing to my little heart slump, is the fact that she's recently on meds, or changed meds, or going through some hormonal shift, and it has torpedo'd her libido. I found the meds out by accident, and not by snooping, and I haven't told her I know. We've chatted about the whole no libido thing and are balancing, but it was hard to be rejected when I put the moves on her right after all this "we" stuff. It sure made me feel like I was an "I" in the middle of all that... I know I just need to be supportive, and there's likely a connection between the new meds stabilizing and some degree of fuzziness or disconnection that occurs with those kids of things. I 'm doing 2+2=5 a bit, and I know it. But I tend to overreact a bit about this stuff, really, all of this is just the usual ebb and flow of people and personalities and the coming together of those things, so I'm just staying the course and we'll see if she's legit or not. Time will tell, as it does. I'm optimistic though. We've talked a fair bit and both have the same fears and issues in attachment - a fear of abandonment that is most likely to manifest just as you're starting to feel in love and more vulnerable. My words for the next little while: patience, persistence, perspective. Edited July 29, 2013 by SameAsItEverWas
Arabella Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I totally get the "I" vs "We" thing. My man used to do the same thing when we first got together. For example, he would be on the phone talking to a friend about why he couldn't go to some event, and tell him that "he" was going on vacation, etc. All these things, we would actually do together... but for some reason he never mentioned me. As time went by, it started to really bother me and I pointed it out to him several times. Eventually he corrected himself and stopped being an issue. I think she's just not used to being in a relationship yet, and speaking in "couple" speech. After all, you've only been together 2 months. At this point I would be more worried about the libido issue. Why aren't you talking to her about it? For all you know, it has nothing to do with the new medication you found...
clia Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This really jolted me. I know it's the kind of thing that isn't a really, really big deal, but I also know I felt right to be upset about it. I mentioned it to her and she was very apologetic. She said it was the kind of thing that would upset her, too. She has been alone and self reliant for a long, long time, across multiple moves and changes, and said that she's just used to saying it that way, even though she, of course, 100%, sees it as "we". This sounds like a completely reasonable explanation to me. Most people don't automatically jump into couple speak. I know I don't. Getting upset over this seems a little silly to me. Give her time. Regarding the meds/libido, I'm surprised she didn't talk to you about it. But maybe that speaks to where your relationship really is at two months -- i.e. not as far along as you may think, if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about this. (Which would be totally normal.) If it's bothering you, you should bring it up. At two months into the relationship that isn't an issue that you should be dealing with.
KathyM Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You discuss multiple issues in your OP. I want to point out that it's only been two months that you've been seeing each other. That's a pretty short amount of time. At this point, why are you paying for her bills? Her gas and other bills? I can see paying for dates and having a reciprocal attitude about that, but there is no way you should be paying for her bills. And as far as the "we" vs. "I", again, it's only been two months. She is used to being a single and not a couple. It will take some time to get more into the couple mindset. So I would have let that pass and not make an issue of it. As far as her libido, again, it's only been two months. You don't really know if her loss of libido is due to her change in medication or if she just lost interest in sex, or if she just naturally has a low libido and was amping it up in the beginning just to interest you, and now that she has been with you for awhile, she has gone to her natural level of interest. So my suggestion would be, stop paying her bills. Stop expecting her to have a strong couple mindset at this point. She's been single for 40 years. It takes time to change that single mindset. And don't jump to conclusions about the sex. Wait and see if things change. It could be the medication that is affecting her, or it could be some other reason.
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 No choice, but there's more to that part. I'm def not blasé about it. The rejection was what led to a disagreement the other day. It wasn't like this to start. There was a shift just two weeks ago. It's because of a hormonal imbalance. And its obvious. Her boobs totally swelled with it. We talked about it, she brought it up, in fact, and said that she wanted to figure it out and wanted us to get back to a healthy sex life. She booked a doc apt and we bought some supps that can help balance things out. Not sure if she's been on antidepressants since we started dating, or just recently, of if she'll need to stay on them, but that's def a contributing factor, I think. And when I say a loss of libido, I honestly am being a bit selfish. We still had sex on the weekend and she still 'took care of my needs' on another day even though she wasn't in the mood. I'm not happy about it, but I like her and there's action being taken about it so that's where I'm at.
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) @KathyM Yes, I agree with a lot of what you say. I bought a single tank of gas - just 'cause, I insisted. And I would foot the bill for dates. But those are things I'd do anyway. It's not bills or anything like that. I only mentioned that stuff to demonstrate I've had that "we" mentality about things. As for the sex part, I just replied to another poster with a bit more detail. I've considered all of what you mention - that she just might not be into it, as a general state. But we've talked about the drop in libido and I think she's as into working on it as I am. She seems motivated and that's all I can really ask of her - a proactive approach and attention to it. Her libido will never match mine. Thank you for responding - this is the kind of perspective I need to hear. You are right, two months doesnt immediately trump a mindset of independence brought on by a life lived. Edited July 29, 2013 by SameAsItEverWas
clia Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It wasn't like this to start. There was a shift just two weeks ago. It's because of a hormonal imbalance. And its obvious. Her boobs totally swelled with it. We talked about it, she brought it up, in fact, and said that she wanted to figure it out and wanted us to get back to a healthy sex life. She booked a doc apt and we bought some supps that can help balance things out. She brought it up, you talked about it, she's acknowledged that something changed and there's a problem, and she's going to the doctor about it...what more do you expect her to do? Seriously. And when I say a loss of libido, I honestly am being a bit selfish. We still had sex on the weekend and she still 'took care of my needs' on another day even though she wasn't in the mood. I'm not happy about it, but I like her and there's action being taken about it so that's where I'm at. You're not happy about it? Do you think it's her fault that the medication is negatively affecting her libido? It sounds like she isn't happy about it either, if she's going to the doctor to try to figure it out. And she had sex with you and "took care of you" regardless, even though she didn't feel like it. So, what's the problem then? I'm honestly confused about what you are complaining about.
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 You're right - it might not. I looked up that med, though, and loss of libido is extremely common with it. We've talked about the libido thing. It is in just the last two weeks, right as a lot of things changed for her. We've attributed it to a hormone imbalance and the stress of the recent life changes. She's definitely going through something as her boobs grew overnight. It's a common sign of an imbalance. So I don't know - could be meds, could be hormone thing, could be just a two week blip. I'm not going to make any more waves about it. Just give it time and see. Thank you for responding!
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) @clia: I guess I'm not being clear enough here - I'm not at all complaining about the response to these things. In fact, its the opposite. She is great. I wrote those things in response to someone that was surprised I didn't seem more concerned about the loss of libido. I see them as minor things that I need to be supportive about, and not be moody if I get rejected now and then. I only mentioned them to add perspective to the way I was feeling because even though the two things are not related, together they had the ability to trigger a latent fear of abandonment I've had my whole life. I appreciate you guys telling me how silly I am. Its not stuff I can talk to about my friends and its nice to have someone point out what should be obvious. Edited July 29, 2013 by SameAsItEverWas
BradJacobs Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 How was she self sufficient if she just started working? Maybe my reading comprehension needs work but that strikes me as odd. I'd tread carefully with this one. She was being supported from someone before you. She might be used to having men take care of her which is why she's programmed to see it as "I" instead od "we".
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 How was she self sufficient if she just started working? Maybe my reading comprehension needs work but that strikes me as odd. I'd tread carefully with this one. She was being supported from someone before you. She might be used to having men take care of her which is why she's programmed to see it as "I" instead od "we". This is a little what I was worried about, but she really is self sufficient. She moved to my city about six months ago and was doing fine but was then promptly laid off and forced to make ends meet with what she had until she found another gig. For me it was more the "team" thing. Thanks for the response!
CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 In my limited experience, I have come to believe that a true relationship is a romantic connection between two individuals. Two separate persons coming together to share their life experiences, worries, doubts, and love. After so much time spent as individuals, it's not surprising that she still feels very independent, especially seeing as you've only been together two months. I can tell that you've thought this trough, and you understand your own feelings, which is great. As long as you are loving and supportive, and she reciprocates, you will grow closer. Support her, enjoy your relationship, and wait for the "I" to become "we" naturally. As far as the libido issue goes: it's good that you talked to her about it, but it would be best if you told her that you know about the meds. At least that way she knows that you better understand the situation. She might very well be thinking that she's lost you because you think she has a naturally low libido. If infrequent sex isn't a big deal for you, or you're willing to ride it out for a while, then just ignore it until the phase passes. Good luck! 1
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 In my limited experience, I have come to believe that a true relationship is a romantic connection between two individuals. Two separate persons coming together to share their life experiences, worries, doubts, and love. After so much time spent as individuals, it's not surprising that she still feels very independent, especially seeing as you've only been together two months. I can tell that you've thought this trough, and you understand your own feelings, which is great. As long as you are loving and supportive, and she reciprocates, you will grow closer. Support her, enjoy your relationship, and wait for the "I" to become "we" naturally. As far as the libido issue goes: it's good that you talked to her about it, but it would be best if you told her that you know about the meds. At least that way she knows that you better understand the situation. She might very well be thinking that she's lost you because you think she has a naturally low libido. If infrequent sex isn't a big deal for you, or you're willing to ride it out for a while, then just ignore it until the phase passes. Good luck! Thanks, friend. You and I would get along. Limited experience or not, I think your words are wise.
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