younglove17 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 So I found this perfect guy - athletic, funny, confident and seemingly in search of a long term relationship - he's everything I could have asked for. We've been casually dating for a little over a month now - I say casual because we're not "boyfriend and girlfriend" yet. He said he's hesitant to call me his girlfriend because of how many times he's been hurt in the past. But I think I figured out what's actually going on. Apparently, he still talks to his last ex pretty frequently, and although he doesn't bring her up in conversation, and he said I'm the only one he's talking to/dating right now, I think he's not over her. I think I'm just here to fill the void, and he doesn't want to make it official so that he still has a chance with his ex. The bottom line is, I need advice. I've been the "second choice" far too many times, and I don't think I can handle getting in the way of another "true love." But I also really like this guy, and even though I wouldn't be completely crushed if I had to let him go, it would still hurt a lot. He does seem to genuinely care about me, but I still can't shake the thought that it's only an act - I mean, wouldn't we have been official by now? any advice is welcome! thank you x
Author younglove17 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 no, we are not sleeping together. He has been very gentle in his advances, which is also something I like about him. We have done some stuff together, but he's never rushed anything. secondly, no he has not. Whether it's to me or about his ex or even about his mom (she has some issues that many children would get frustrated with) he seems very respectful. I'm just at a loss for how to deal with this situation :/
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Are you sleeping with him. Also it takes time to get over an ex. That's normal. Has he been disrespectful? Are you intimate? I'm sorry, but how do you know about his ex? That he's communicating with her frequently? Sigh. If you suspect all of this, you need to ask him. So, I take it that you have not had the exclusive talk either. Don't put yourself in the position of getting hurt, so don't get even more attached to him. But, in all honesty, whether you declare yourself gf/bf or exclusive, if he still has feelings for his ex and sees a chance to get back together, he will most likely take it. Sorry you're in this position. 1
Author younglove17 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Well it's on facebook, and he goes to college with her and they are on some teams/clubs together, while I'm still in high school - which is another issue entirely. We are intimate (not s*x though), but I just feel like there's something missing. I feel like he's not giving me as much of an emotional connection as he could be, and then I found out about the ex (they broke up a few months ago, similar to myself and my last boyfriend). Maybe he isn't so perfect for me after all. hmm... In any case, thank you both for your input, and I will be very cautious with my feelings while proceeding to see where this relationship goes.
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well it's on facebook, and he goes to college with her and they are on some teams/clubs together, while I'm still in high school - which is another issue entirely. This makes it more likely that he is clinging to some hope. Does the activity in FB show that their communication is cordial, friendly? Does he or she sound conciliatory, regretful? Does there seem to be closure by both or either? We are intimate (not s*x though), but I just feel like there's something missing. I feel like he's not giving me as much of an emotional connection as he could be, and then I found out about the ex (they broke up a few months ago, similar to myself and my last boyfriend). Maybe he isn't so perfect for me after all. hmm... He isn't wanting to commit as you well know. If there is any good in this, it's that he is being somewhat considerate of your feelings it would seem. Though, he is hiding the full extant of his feelings/relationship with his ex. Don't go all the way with him. He may be needing the intimacy, but it's not your job to fill his void to satiate his need to move on. Again, he may not even be trying to move on.... In any case, thank you both for your input, and I will be very cautious with my feelings while proceeding to see where this relationship goes. Good. Get clarity before you get closer. I wouldn't even get "intimate" with him again until this is all clear or when you are satisfied. The satisfaction may not come, though. If you are right, he is not ready or prepared to commit to anyone else.
Author younglove17 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Well it seems to be friendly, but not particularly comfortable on facebook. And as I am not friends with her, I have no idea if there's closure, but she does seem to be moving on (as she was the dumper not the dumpee). I would just hate to think that I am a "summer romance" for him, but I am realizing that it is a possibility. The thing is, we have become friends, and when we go on dates we do genuinely enjoy each other's company and we get along really well, there just seems to be a romantic aspect missing. Okay, thank you, I'll take your advice and not be intimate until things are sorted out. I'd rather lose this guy and be alone than be used/the rebound.
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well it seems to be friendly, but not particularly comfortable on facebook. And as I am not friends with her, I have no idea if there's closure, but she does seem to be moving on (as she was the dumper not the dumpee). I would just hate to think that I am a "summer romance" for him, but I am realizing that it is a possibility. The thing is, we have become friends, and when we go on dates we do genuinely enjoy each other's company and we get along really well, there just seems to be a romantic aspect missing. Okay, thank you, I'll take your advice and not be intimate until things are sorted out. I'd rather lose this guy and be alone than be used/the rebound. Good. Protect yourself. He doesn't sound like a "bad" guy, but just protect yourself. I'm a little willing to bet that if you called him on his continued infatuation with his ex that he would admit it or only tepidly deny it. Just be prepared to move on and if you want to continue being "friends," well, that's for you to decide. Good luck!
Recommended Posts