When you give up hope..

[ladydesigner]

Journee, I have a close male friend who is a wonderful person, his family are everything to him, he is married, has been for almost 18 years to a woman who has cheated on him over and over again. The last time he found out I had a chat with her about it, simply because I couldn't understand how such a seemingly well matched, happy couple had ended up like this. Her answer was that none of the MM were replacements for her H, she loved him, how couldn't she, he was doing everything right, he was still romantic, still attracted to her and to top it all, he took the time to let her know. It seemed that while he was doing everything right, she needed the early days frisson, the excitement and because their relationship had developed into the gentle, easy kind of love, she felt she was missing something.

 

Let's call her J, J said that while she adored her husband, loved him, saw no future without him, she loved the feeling of new relationships, the feeling attractive and sexy and like a young J and not the settled MW she was, or felt she should be. J and her husband (my friend) were, on the surface as in love as ever, they made love, made plans, yet she said the affairs made her feel alive, until the OM wanted more and then she was out of there. That she might lose her husband because of it never crossed her mind, TBH I found that very arrogant, each time she was caught she said never again, hated what she was doing, until the next time. J admitted that it was nothing her H had done or could do, nor about the men she had A's with, it was all about her and her relationship with herself and how she saw herself. The settled married woman jarred with her image of herself.

 

I don't know what the future holds for them, maybe her H will wake up and realise that he is worth better, yet I think he will never love anyone as he loves J and maybe the A's have become a part of (albeit unwelcome on his part) their relationship and he doesn't know what to do to make it stop. I have advised him to do the 180 and finally let her see that it is either a monogamous marriage or none at all. I don't wish a different partner for him as they are a great couple when she isn't cheating, I just wish she would stop and he would stop allowing her to hurt him over and over.

 

When my H had an A, our friend was shocked and was a great support for my H and myself, I wished he could just practice for himself what he advised us. I hope it works out for you Journee. x

 

Wow Seren this sounds like us except the serial cheat would be my WH. This last A he had broke me so our M has not been recovered yet. I did and continue somewhat with the 180 (for myself). Now I know that I will not tolerate infidelity going forward. My WH's last A exposed the broken person that he is and I can't unsee that. My WH has a lot of work to do and a lot to prove to me before I will give him the f in fWH.

 

(((Journee))) I so understand those days. I go from wanting R to wanting D on a day to day basis sometimes. I guess I will know when and if this last A was a dealbreaker for me. In the meantime my WH is doing everything he can to save our M.

[save150]

((((((journee)))) I can relate. I am going thru it right now, too. Sending positive thoughts and love your way lady.

 

It has been about 7 months since dday and I think that the disappointment I feel right now towards my h...and also the type of woman he cheated on me with...am I the right one for him? I mean, I am definitely not a stripper party girl...is he the right one for me? Is it worth all of this pain?

 

Yikes. I hate affairs.

 

I'm right there with you ladies, KK and journee. I'm 11 months out closing in on the 1 year anniversary of DDay. And I had 5 more after that. I've backslid into intense anger and I'm trying to deal with it.

 

Your statement KK hits the nail on the head. I am SO disappointed in his inability to dump OW's intrusions after DDay. He wanted to "let her down easy...make it fade naturally..." WTF? Come on...can't he see what's broken in front of him? He's gotta make sure OW is on her way to recovery first? PULEEEEEZZZE

[waterwoman]

Hey journee. Chin up my lovely xx

[krazikat]

I'm right there with you ladies, KK and journee. I'm 11 months out closing in on the 1 year anniversary of DDay. And I had 5 more after that. I've backslid into intense anger and I'm trying to deal with it.

 

Your statement KK hits the nail on the head. I am SO disappointed in his inability to dump OW's intrusions after DDay. He wanted to "let her down easy...make it fade naturally..." WTF? Come on...can't he see what's broken in front of him? He's gotta make sure OW is on her way to recovery first? PULEEEEEZZZE

 

That might have made my head explode. The nerve these ws have is actually kinda scary. I guess I was naive...I would never cheat, so I assumed my H, this man that I chose to be my life partner and truly dedicate myself to, I expected he would do the same. Ya, we had hit a rough patch in the marriage. I was pissed about his drinking. I said some pretty horrable things...I feel terrible for that. But his decision to cheat on me, and then carry it on for so long, its a hard pill to swallow. Absolutely disappointing. One of the worst experiences in my life, and my life aint been easy.

[Journee]

All,

 

Thank you all for taking the time to post here in this dreary thread of mine. I have just been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally and it all kind of boils down to my issues with feeling abandoned. I have finally heard back from my biological mother butthings never seem to go anywhere with that. I'm the type that really finds it very difficult to walk away from people because I know how that hurts. My ego and heart can't seem to allow for anyone to ever say " Journee" abandoned me. Yes, I do realize that my H's behavior does not warrant chance after chance. I should had been done after the very first betrayal when I was just a youngin'. Yeah, it would have hurt but not like it has been. I did leave him couple of years ago. It just didn't " take". He and I have had codependant problems for many years. We both acknowledge this. We became one another's everything at some point. We lived in a city without family and no friends really. It was he and I against the world.

 

I don't have the answers and that's ok. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that today my family is the most important aspect of my existence. H is my family. I don't think I was prepared for the upheaval this would all be. This constant changing tide of emotion I feel. It's nearly manic then depressive. Triggers are not getting much easier. It's sickening but I thought ...' ok, we have been down this road before. I will be ok. Just another number.' I'm not ok. This time it was very different and at time that I just couldn't imagine. Maybe I don't get through this one. I don't know yet. I do love H. I do. To my detriment I suppose. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Those that I have had the pleasure to PM or that have followed my story are familiar with the issues I accept having. My role in the unhealthy state of my R. Those that think for even a second I discount this are misinformed. I just don't feel the need to rake myself over the coals in every single post.

 

Thank you all. I am not sure which way to go but I'm just going to keep moving. Keep kicking.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Journee

[krazikat]

All,

 

Thank you all for taking the time to post here in this dreary thread of mine. I have just been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally and it all kind of boils down to my issues with feeling abandoned. I have finally heard back from my biological mother butthings never seem to go anywhere with that. I'm the type that really finds it very difficult to walk away from people because I know how that hurts. My ego and heart can't seem to allow for anyone to ever say " Journee" abandoned me. Yes, I do realize that my H's behavior does not warrant chance after chance. I should had been done after the very first betrayal when I was just a youngin'. Yeah, it would have hurt but not like it has been. I did leave him couple of years ago. It just didn't " take". He and I have had codependant problems for many years. We both acknowledge this. We became one another's everything at some point. We lived in a city without family and no friends really. It was he and I against the world.

 

I don't have the answers and that's ok. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that today my family is the most important aspect of my existence. H is my family. I don't think I was prepared for the upheaval this would all be. This constant changing tide of emotion I feel. It's nearly manic then depressive. Triggers are not getting much easier. It's sickening but I thought ...' ok, we have been down this road before. I will be ok. Just another number.' I'm not ok. This time it was very different and at time that I just couldn't imagine. Maybe I don't get through this one. I don't know yet. I do love H. I do. To my detriment I suppose. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Those that I have had the pleasure to PM or that have followed my story are familiar with the issues I accept having. My role in the unhealthy state of my R. Those that think for even a second I discount this are misinformed. I just don't feel the need to rake myself over the coals in every single post.

 

Thank you all. I am not sure which way to go but I'm just going to keep moving. Keep kicking.

 

Journee, you sound like a strong a$$ woman, who loves hard and cares deeply for those blessed to be in your life. We actually seem to have much in common.

 

I also own my contribution to the issues in my m. I dont blame myself for his cheating, but I do know I was not an easy wife to have. i am successful, confident, independant. My h is actually (still, even after all of this) the one who has always had my back, always been there for me. I do trust him in that. He was the stay at home parent for our child with health issues, he is the one who gave up his great job at 24 years old so that I could go to school and keep my job. And yes, we have had issues due to that.

 

When I decided to stay with him, I tried to push the anger of the A to the backburner, because I dont want to be the person I was before, always throwing things in his face. But I also dont ever want to experience that pain again. Dont want to look back 5 years from npw and regret it...but yet, when I consider all things, I do believe that it is worth the risk. I love my h completely. I know he loves me. I love that my children have him there every day. I love laughing with him, being with him. I made a terrible decision many years ago that completely devestated him and changed him and thus changed the course of our marriage. I know that my decision paved the way for what we are dealing with today. For that reason, I will give him that chance, give us that chance, to have the marriage we envisioned when we fell in love many years ago.

 

I truly wish you the best, and you are still young girl and have a lifetime ahead of you. You have your babies. You will do whats right for you, and we will be here for you, whatever that may be.

[HopingAgain]

All,

 

Thank you all for taking the time to post here in this dreary thread of mine. I have just been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally and it all kind of boils down to my issues with feeling abandoned. I have finally heard back from my biological mother butthings never seem to go anywhere with that. I'm the type that really finds it very difficult to walk away from people because I know how that hurts. My ego and heart can't seem to allow for anyone to ever say " Journee" abandoned me. Yes, I do realize that my H's behavior does not warrant chance after chance. I should had been done after the very first betrayal when I was just a youngin'. Yeah, it would have hurt but not like it has been. I did leave him couple of years ago. It just didn't " take". He and I have had codependant problems for many years. We both acknowledge this. We became one another's everything at some point. We lived in a city without family and no friends really. It was he and I against the world.

 

I don't have the answers and that's ok. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that today my family is the most important aspect of my existence. H is my family. I don't think I was prepared for the upheaval this would all be. This constant changing tide of emotion I feel. It's nearly manic then depressive. Triggers are not getting much easier. It's sickening but I thought ...' ok, we have been down this road before. I will be ok. Just another number.' I'm not ok. This time it was very different and at time that I just couldn't imagine. Maybe I don't get through this one. I don't know yet. I do love H. I do. To my detriment I suppose. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Those that I have had the pleasure to PM or that have followed my story are familiar with the issues I accept having. My role in the unhealthy state of my R. Those that think for even a second I discount this are misinformed. I just don't feel the need to rake myself over the coals in every single post.

 

Thank you all. I am not sure which way to go but I'm just going to keep moving. Keep kicking.

 

It sounds like you have a good grasp on what you are feeling and how you contributed to where you 2 are at in your relationship. I think that you are on a good road to getting to healthy and happy.

[Ladydrib]

Good morning.

 

Where do I start? I'm at a point that I am feeling pretty much hopeless about the future. Hopeless about my relationship with my H or the possibility of a successful R with anyone.

 

I know I signed up for this by marrying a man that has never been faithful to anyone. I didn't believe him when he showed me what he was capable of. I just loved him harder. My H has cheated on me three times. Twice before we even lived together. I have found a way to excuse every single time in my head. "Oh, well it was his ex gf and they had been together for so long. He was confused" ...." We are long distance. He was probably lonely." ..... " We are separated and I can see how hurt he was." I excuse it I guess so I don't feel like the A- hole I am for accepting this for my life.

 

I even went as far as to tell myself that if it wasn't him cheating on me it would be someone else. Right now I'm miserable with my choices. I really have no faith that he will ever be faithful. Not just to me but to anyone. It doesn't matter if things are good or if they are terrible. He has cheated. I accept it now. At all stages of our time to together , the good , the bad and the ugly... he has cheated. I guess I thought everyone goes through it. They don't. There would be someone out there that would be completely devoted to me. Why do I think I can change this person ?

 

Yeah, I don't think I can do this again. I'm darn near dead inside.

 

I can't sleep. I can't focus. I can't control my emotions. I'm feeling hopeless. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I want to get off now please.

 

I don't need judgement or to hear how screwed up I am. Trust me ,I know. I don't need a scolding. I just needed to let it out.

 

Does/ has anyone ever felt like this? Like they have just been fooling themselves?

 

I'd like to hear from betrayed folks in this thread please. Be gentle. Life is harsh enough.

 

I'm concerned why you think someone would scold you or call you messed up. You're not the one who is messed up - he is.

 

You have to anser this question. Is the man worth it? Is the joy he brings to your life worth the pain of his cheating? You said it yourself that he won't stop. So at least you're being honest with yourself. You need to decide if he is worth all this pain. If you leave him you will miss him but eventually you'll get over it.

[Journee]

I'm concerned why you think someone would scold you or call you messed up. You're not the one who is messed up - he is.

 

You have to anser this question. Is the man worth it? Is the joy he brings to your life worth the pain of his cheating? You said it yourself that he won't stop. So at least you're being honest with yourself. You need to decide if he is worth all this pain. If you leave him you will miss him but eventually you'll get over it.

 

 

 

I guess because sometimes I see BS's get ripped apart. They are questioned whether or not they have any self respect. What is wrong with them that they allow a. b. and c. I just didn't feel like being a punching bag. I realize what it sounds like and looks like. Especially to an onlooker.

 

Also I do have self- esteem issues. I admit it. I have never been able to accept love freely. I never felt deserving. It goes back to my birth mother leaving me. I carried a lot of hurt behind that in not feeling good enough. I brought it into every single relationship I have ever had. Not just romantic either.

 

I don't know the answers. I'm not expecting to read a post right now and say 'Aha! That's what I will do.' I just wanted to hear I'm not alone in feeling like this at this moment in time. I'm not weak. I've been through hell in life. I'm just unsure right

now.

 

Is he worth it? I hope so. That's about all I have right now. Hope, and that fluctuates rapidly. Hence my thread lol

 

I dunno. Maybe I should had kept it to myself. This really is my only outlet for these feelings though.

[Journee]

Journee, you sound like a strong a$$ woman, who loves hard and cares deeply for those blessed to be in your life. We actually seem to have much in common.

 

I also own my contribution to the issues in my m. I dont blame myself for his cheating, but I do know I was not an easy wife to have. i am successful, confident, independant. My h is actually (still, even after all of this) the one who has always had my back, always been there for me. I do trust him in that. He was the stay at home parent for our child with health issues, he is the one who gave up his great job at 24 years old so that I could go to school and keep my job. And yes, we have had issues due to that.

 

When I decided to stay with him, I tried to push the anger of the A to the backburner, because I dont want to be the person I was before, always throwing things in his face. But I also dont ever want to experience that pain again. Dont want to look back 5 years from npw and regret it...but yet, when I consider all things, I do believe that it is worth the risk. I love my h completely. I know he loves me. I love that my children have him there every day. I love laughing with him, being with him. I made a terrible decision many years ago that completely devestated him and changed him and thus changed the course of our marriage. I know that my decision paved the way for what we are dealing with today. For that reason, I will give him that chance, give us that chance, to have the marriage we envisioned when we fell in love many years ago.

 

I truly wish you the best, and you are still young girl and have a lifetime ahead of you. You have your babies. You will do whats right for you, and we will be here for you, whatever that may be.

 

 

Thank you Kat

 

I can relate to so much of what you post also. It's too bad it has to be this aspect of our lives huh?

 

I don't know which way to go. It's very scary. I dunno anymore.

[sweet_pea]

Hey Journee! I don't have much to say, but I just wanted to give you a big ole *hug!*