When you give up hope..

[Journee]

Good morning.

 

Where do I start? I'm at a point that I am feeling pretty much hopeless about the future. Hopeless about my relationship with my H or the possibility of a successful R with anyone.

 

I know I signed up for this by marrying a man that has never been faithful to anyone. I didn't believe him when he showed me what he was capable of. I just loved him harder. My H has cheated on me three times. Twice before we even lived together. I have found a way to excuse every single time in my head. "Oh, well it was his ex gf and they had been together for so long. He was confused" ...." We are long distance. He was probably lonely." ..... " We are separated and I can see how hurt he was." I excuse it I guess so I don't feel like the A- hole I am for accepting this for my life.

 

I even went as far as to tell myself that if it wasn't him cheating on me it would be someone else. Right now I'm miserable with my choices. I really have no faith that he will ever be faithful. Not just to me but to anyone. It doesn't matter if things are good or if they are terrible. He has cheated. I accept it now. At all stages of our time to together , the good , the bad and the ugly... he has cheated. I guess I thought everyone goes through it. They don't. There would be someone out there that would be completely devoted to me. Why do I think I can change this person ?

 

Yeah, I don't think I can do this again. I'm darn near dead inside.

 

I can't sleep. I can't focus. I can't control my emotions. I'm feeling hopeless. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I want to get off now please.

 

I don't need judgement or to hear how screwed up I am. Trust me ,I know. I don't need a scolding. I just needed to let it out.

 

Does/ has anyone ever felt like this? Like they have just been fooling themselves?

 

I'd like to hear from betrayed folks in this thread please. Be gentle. Life is harsh enough.

[karnak]

 

I don't need judgement or to hear how screwed up I am. Trust me ,I know. I don't need a scolding. I just needed to let it out.

 

Does/ has anyone ever felt like this? Like they have just been fooling themselves?

 

I'd like to hear from betrayed folks in this thread please. Be gentle. Life is harsh enough.

 

It seems that you know you have issues. Deep ones. Yet you don't come here asking for help in dealing with them. It seems you're only looking for pity or sympathy.

 

What's the point?

 

It's like a cancer patient asking the doctor to please be gentle with the treatments.

 

Are you some sort of masochist?

 

If you're not feeling well with yourself or something in your life, the change it!

 

Hard, I know. Not easy at all. But no-one said life was supposed to be easy. All valuable things in life take time and effort to achieve.

[Journee]

It seems that you know you have issues. Deep ones. Yet you don't come here asking for help in dealing with them. It seems you're only looking for pity or sympathy.

 

What's the point?

 

It's like a cancer patient asking the doctor to please be gentle with the treatments.

 

Are you some sort of masochist?

 

If you're not feeling well with yourself or something in your life, the change it!

 

Hard, I know. Not easy at all. But no-one said life was supposed to be easy. All valuable things in life take time and effort to achieve.

 

Yep. You are right. ALL I want is pity. Give me break. Check my post history before you come in a thread where I am just wanting to hear I'm not completely alone. Don't bother commenting in my thread again.

 

Have a good day.

[Journee]

I have typed this thread out a million times. I have deleted it every single time but this one. I knew it was a mistake to think after all the advice and compassion I offered I would get a shred back. Lol just like anything else I guess. Ya don't always get back what ya put in.

[BetrayedH]

I've been finding myself telling people a lot lately that when you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up.

 

I don't think I will try to influence your decision; reconciliation is too personal a choice.

 

A couple of other thoughts came to mind with your post. First, you're not an a-hole for trying to make it work. I think it's an amazingly noble thing to try to forgive. Regardless of what anyone says, it speaks volumes to me when people make the attempt. You're a good person, Journee, and you obviously loved your husband. You tried to make it work even under those "worse" conditions they mention in our vows.

 

Second, I noticed you spoke of acceptance. What I've found is that although it is the last stage of grief, it doesn't mean it's a stage where you start to feel good about it. I've accepted my wife's affair but it still hurts like hell.

 

Third, divorce (if that ends up being your choice) had the effect on me of allowing me to move forward. Actually, it was probably right at the moment that I made the decision that I was done. I was exhausted at the effort to reconcile. When I decided to throw in the towel, it was like, thank God that part is over. And I started building my second life. Make no mistake, it was still ridiculously hard to go through the divorce but it was a different kind of difficulty and perhaps that alone made it easier. But I sure was glad I was no longer trying to choke down shi t sandwiches from the buffet my wife had prepared. At the same time, I do sometimes find myself jealous of those that are in reconciliation. I regret my stupid balance affair and wife-tossing incidents. But the fact is that my wife was still lying and thus, not truly remorseful. The divorce was inevitable. The advantage to that is that the sleepless nights, the mind-racing, the hypervigilance, the weight-loss and such are over. Now my hope is for my second life. We'll see how it goes. As they say, there are no guarantees.

 

Do me a favor and cut yourself a break today. You deserve it.

[Journee]

I've been finding myself telling people a lot lately that when you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up.

 

I don't think I will try to influence your decision; reconciliation is too personal a choice.

 

A couple of other thoughts came to mind with your post. First, you're not an a-hole for trying to make it work. I think it's an amazingly noble thing to try to forgive. Regardless of what anyone says, it speaks volumes to me when people make the attempt. You're a good person, Journee, and you obviously loved your husband. You tried to make it work even under those "worse" conditions they mention in our vows.

 

Second, I noticed you spoke of acceptance. What I've found is that although it is the last stage of grief, it doesn't mean it's a stage where you start to feel good about it. I've accepted my wife's affair but it still hurts like hell.

 

Third, divorce (if that ends up being your choice) had the effect on me of allowing me to move forward. Actually, it was probably right at the moment that I made the decision that I was done. I was exhausted at the effort to reconcile. When I decided to throw in the towel, it was like, thank God that part is over. And I started building my second life. Make no mistake, it was still ridiculously hard to go through the divorce but it was a different kind of difficulty and perhaps that alone made it easier. But I sure was glad I was no longer trying to choke down shi t sandwiches from the buffet my wife had prepared. At the same time, I do sometimes find myself jealous of those that are in reconciliation. I regret my stupid balance affair and wife-tossing incidents. But the fact is that my wife was still lying and thus, not truly remorseful. The divorce was inevitable. The advantage to that is that the sleepless nights, the mind-racing, the hypervigilance, the weight-loss and such are over. Now my hope is for my second life. We'll see how it goes. As they say, there are no guarantees.

 

Do me a favor and cut yourself a break today. You deserve it.

 

Thanks BH

 

I guess I'm just at a loss. I have looked into myself and at the point of incineration of this wildfire and I know the source. It doesn't change the pain.

 

I guess I thought that " Hey, look at us. We are both a mess. Let us fix each other!" Yeah, that didn't work. It will never work. I had never heard of many of the reconciliation terms and processes before I came here. I didn't know how backwards I really was with all of this. I have learned a lot from just reading here and am seeing more and more what kind of wayward my H is. It's not pretty. It's hard to handle. I like what you said about acceptance. I guess I thought that relief would follow my acceptance.

 

I accept my role in this too. Again , it still sucks.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Journee,

 

I am both a FOW and a BS. I don't think you are crazy to try to reconcile. It is admirable. I think that when you have a history together the honorable thing to do is to try to make it all work. It is an individual decision to know when it is best to throw in the towel or to keep preserving.

 

I honestly still don't know where we are going to end up. It's funny how things work. Briefly, I will explain my progression (as most of it is in my posts). After dday for me I am certain I would have walked and ran away with my xMM and in hindsight it would have been the wrong thing to do for sure. There were too many emotions running high at the time. It was excruciating for both myself and my husband during that first year - especially after NC was firmly established. But I was doing some things during NC that were delaying recovery for us.

 

My husband then fell into his own affair about a year later - right about the time I felt like things were moving in the right direction. NC for the most part has been established since his dday, but there are still some doubts on my end because his exposure wasn't anywhere near what mine was and because of that this woman does show up from time to time and without going completely nuclear on my husband there isn't a lot I can do about it and I won't do to him what was done to me.

 

All that to say we are pushing ahead the best we can.. We have more good days than bad and I guess there is enough love between us that neither one of us want to give up completely - yet. I do know this - no matter where we end up I think both of us will be glad we stayed in the trenches and gave it our best shot.

 

You have to decide what is best for you. I think we all have that internal voice that tells us "it's time". Listen to yours.

 

I'm sorry you are struggling.

[Journee]

Oh dear- do not listen to those that think "tough love" is what you need right now- you do need to cut yourself a break-

Yes, sometimes I feel like such a fool for trying to reconcile, for trying to get over this and move past it but I love my husband and I still see who he was before the madness

 

However, if you see no hope than its time to work on you-you are not weak for trying to honor your vows, for loving someone with all you have, for being a good person that tried to make it right-you are brave and strong for putting yourself out there, for trying to save what meant something to you-its takes guts and courage to do all of those things-

 

Keep being you and you will find someone worthy of you-

 

Believe in you-in the power of you- and today, be selfish and take care of you-

 

 

Thank you.

 

I do understand that it is frustrating reading posts that seem to be easily rectified. " Duh, dump the guy." I get that. Sometimes I want to shake sense into posters too. Right now I'm not feeling in the mood for it.

 

I try to tell myself that this is the tough road because it will be worth it. Then I ask myself when? How? When H and I separated before his A I thought I was being strong then too. A lot of times I just look back and wonder how the heck I got here.

 

How far are you out from DDay? I'm coming up on a year.

 

 

 

I have this one life. I just want to do it right ya know?

[findingnemo]

(((((Journee)))))

 

Some people are incapable of being faithful. They simply don't have the same values as you. In their world, they just can't see what it does to you. It may not be that they don't care. They are incapable of understanding what there is to care about. So they keep breaking your heart again and again.

 

But let me ask this. What does your M represent to you? Is it just the love between your H and yourself? Is it more? What is your life like now and how much did you contribute to making it what it is? What about your families? If your H has failed to keep his pants zipped, does this mean you should lose everything?

 

Yes, you have reached the conclusion that he can't/won't be faithful. So you don't want to love him any more. You don't want to trust him. Well, you don't have to. You could leave him. Or you could stay M in a loveless M depending on what you gain. If all that's missing is love between you and your H, the kind of love that requires faithfulness, if there is another kind of love (the one that is more about duty, etc), then maybe you can stay.

 

The key is to stop blaming yourself for your H's failures to be a good H. It is not your fault. It isn't even your fault that he turned out to be a serial cheater. If there was a test we could give prospective partners believe me we all would.

 

Now it's time to decide what YOU need. Is it your home, your life as you know it? Is it a change? A chance at love? What does Journee need?

[BetrayedH]

Thanks BH

 

I guess I'm just at a loss. I have looked into myself and at the point of incineration of this wildfire and I know the source. It doesn't change the pain.

 

I guess I thought that " Hey, look at us. We are both a mess. Let us fix each other!" Yeah, that didn't work. It will never work. I had never heard of many of the reconciliation terms and processes before I came here. I didn't know how backwards I really was with all of this. I have learned a lot from just reading here and am seeing more and more what kind of wayward my H is. It's not pretty. It's hard to handle. I like what you said about acceptance. I guess I thought that relief would follow my acceptance.

 

I accept my role in this too. Again , it still sucks.

 

I can empathize with the "what kind of wayward my spouse is" comment. We both had the kind that aren't particularly good ones with whom to reconcile. And like me, I think you took the burden of fixing this whole mess on yourself. I would have to reread your posts again but my recollection is that your H isn't one of those that wholeheartedly contributes to the reconciliation and that you've somewhat had to drag him thru it. I can really relate. MC was about the only time I could get her to talk about it and so there I gladly accepted a blameshifting MC. The more I read and understood what true remorse looked like, the more I knew my wife didn't have it. For me, I had the "benefit" of having one dramatic moment that crystalized the whole thing (when I discovered her hidden blog). I had a final straw, so to speak. I feel for you because I don't think you have that but instead just a somewhat constant lack of him contributing what he should. Some call it the death of a thousand small cuts.

[Steadfast]

If my cheating ex would have been willing, I would have tried. She wasn't and never really was...despite the fact that she was forced to 'move on' at some point. Understand that the reality of my situation was her cheating, leaving, and cheating some more with breadcrumbs tossed in to keep me available. I rejected it. She told our kids she was 'over it' now, and happy.

 

My point? No matter which path you take, an unreformed cheater will always put themselves first. It only takes one drop of red food color to change a whole bucket of water. Such is life with a cheating spouse.

 

Therefore I have adopted this position: If a spouse have sex with someone else, we are to conclude the marriage is over. A truly repentive cheater should take on all the work to restore the marriage, including convincing the betrayed spouse (with actions) that allowing them another chance is in their best interest. A betrayed spouse does not owe the cheater anything, ever. The entire load rests upon the cheater to make amends.

 

Some will try. Others will refuse. That is within their rights. In my opinion the majority of the damage inflicted upon the betrayed -post cheating- is self inflicted. The best path to clarity is to demand clarity in all things.

[Journee]

Journee,

 

I am both a FOW and a BS. I don't think you are crazy to try to reconcile. It is admirable. I think that when you have a history together the honorable thing to do is to try to make it all work. It is an individual decision to know when it is best to throw in the towel or to keep preserving.

 

I honestly still don't know where we are going to end up. It's funny how things work. Briefly, I will explain my progression (as most of it is in my posts). After dday for me I am certain I would have walked and ran away with my xMM and in hindsight it would have been the wrong thing to do for sure. There were too many emotions running high at the time. It was excruciating for both myself and my husband during that first year - especially after NC was firmly established. But I was doing some things during NC that were delaying recovery for us.

 

My husband then fell into his own affair about a year later - right about the time I felt like things were moving in the right direction. NC for the most part has been established since his dday, but there are still some doubts on my end because his exposure wasn't anywhere near what mine was and because of that this woman does show up from time to time and without going completely nuclear on my husband there isn't a lot I can do about it and I won't do to him what was done to me.

 

All that to say we are pushing ahead the best we can.. We have more good days than bad and I guess there is enough love between us that neither one of us want to give up completely - yet. I do know this - no matter where we end up I think both of us will be glad we stayed in the trenches and gave it our best shot.

 

You have to decide what is best for you. I think we all have that internal voice that tells us "it's time". Listen to yours.

 

I'm sorry you are struggling.

 

Thank you lilmiss

 

 

It's just so maddening isn't it. The loss of control (or at least the illusion of control). Like everything you thought you knew was sucked into a vacuum. Then when you open the blasted thing to retrieve your life , it's all covered in dirt and grime.

 

Thank you for sharing. Most days I feel just like you. This morning for some reason I'm hurting immensely and confused as all get out.

 

Good luck in your reconciliation.

[PhoenixRise]

Journee

 

You are not alone. Anyone who has ever twisted themselves into knots trying to love a person who; was a serial cheater, was addicted to a substance, was a compulsive gambler, or had a personality disorder, etc has been where you are.

 

It sucks the whole life out of you while they keep trucking right along, living their life, doing what they do and leaving a huge trail of destruction in their wake.

 

My father was a drug addict and a serial cheater. And trying to stay married to him just about emotionally killed my mom. She did it so long because when he was sober he was so hurt and remorseful about the craziness he inflicted on everybody when he was not sober. She did because when he was sober he was fantastic, loving, responsible, funny, hard worker and she believed his addiction was an illness and if he could just stay sober life would be good for us kids, for her and for him. She wanted to help him. She gave him chance after chance. EVERYBODY gave him chance after chance: family, friends, employers because he always seemed like a guy worth giving a chance.

 

She finally had to decide that yes he might be have an illness, but she was not a doctor and could not heal him.

 

Sometimes a drowning person will pull you under too.

 

Sometimes you have to save yourself.

 

I really am sorry you are struggling and I wish you the best.

[Journee]

(((((Journee)))))

 

Some people are incapable of being faithful. They simply don't have the same values as you. In their world, they just can't see what it does to you. It may not be that they don't care. They are incapable of understanding what there is to care about. So they keep breaking your heart again and again.

 

But let me ask this. What does your M represent to you? Is it just the love between your H and yourself? Is it more? What is your life like now and how much did you contribute to making it what it is? What about your families? If your H has failed to keep his pants zipped, does this mean you should lose everything?

 

Yes, you have reached the conclusion that he can't/won't be faithful. So you don't want to love him any more. You don't want to trust him. Well, you don't have to. You could leave him. Or you could stay M in a loveless M depending on what you gain. If all that's missing is love between you and your H, the kind of love that requires faithfulness, if there is another kind of love (the one that is more about duty, etc), then maybe you can stay.

 

The key is to stop blaming yourself for your H's failures to be a good H. It is not your fault. It isn't even your fault that he turned out to be a serial cheater. If there was a test we could give prospective partners believe me we all would.

 

Now it's time to decide what YOU need. Is it your home, your life as you know it? Is it a change? A chance at love? What does Journee need?

 

 

 

Nemo,

 

We actually were separated for a year. We were in the midst of reconciliation when I became pregnant and he began his affair shortly after ( the latest one that is).

 

I know I am with my H because I love him. I am into him in every way. I married him because I loved him despite himself and he the same with me. I know what it's like to be without him. To live on my own with our oldest. Deciding on childcare and who would do what when. Coming home to an empty place. Making dinner for just my son and I. I did it. I know it can be done. I just want my H to be here with us. This is our home with him here. My oldest is so happy and he deserves that.

 

I had hoped against hope that my H wasn't the man you described. I'm just not sure he will ever understand what this feels like. I have had the evil thoughts to seek revenge but it would be fruitless and as hurt as I am I couldn't.

 

I just want my H to let me be enough.

[Journee]

I can empathize with the "what kind of wayward my spouse is" comment. We both had the kind that aren't particularly good ones with whom to reconcile. And like me, I think you took the burden of fixing this whole mess on yourself. I would have to reread your posts again but my recollection is that your H isn't one of those that wholeheartedly contributes to the reconciliation and that you've somewhat had to drag him thru it. I can really relate. MC was about the only time I could get her to talk about it and so there I gladly accepted a blameshifting MC. The more I read and understood what true remorse looked like, the more I knew my wife didn't have it. For me, I had the "benefit" of having one dramatic moment that crystalized the whole thing (when I discovered her hidden blog). I had a final straw, so to speak. I feel for you because I don't think you have that but instead just a somewhat constant lack of him contributing what he should. Some call it the death of a thousand small cuts.

 

That last line really hit home. That is exactly what it is like. We just had a "discussion" about things going right back to the way things were pre separation. It's as if the A never happened. I am mommy ,housekeeper , short order cook , nurse ,interior decorator ,financial consultant etc. H.... not so much. He has it made. I am still everything to everybody. Well except a woman. Sex happens maybe once a month. It's like I'm on punishment. His reasoning for this is ironic.

 

I'm exhausted from this.

 

I think you being able to get a glimpse into your exww's thought processes with that blog was invaluable. No denying or backtracking on that. The proof in black and white. The right amount to set you free.

[Journee]

If my cheating ex would have been willing, I would have tried. She wasn't and never really was...despite the fact that she was forced to 'move on' at some point. Understand that the reality of my situation was her cheating, leaving, and cheating some more with breadcrumbs tossed in to keep me available. I rejected it. She told our kids she was 'over it' now, and happy.

 

My point? No matter which path you take, an unreformed cheater will always put themselves first. It only takes one drop of red food color to change a whole bucket of water. Such is life with a cheating spouse.

 

Therefore I have adopted this position: If a spouse have sex with someone else, we are to conclude the marriage is over. A truly repentive cheater should take on all the work to restore the marriage, including convincing the betrayed spouse (with actions) that allowing them another chance is in their best interest. A betrayed spouse does not owe the cheater anything, ever. The entire load rests upon the cheater to make amends.

 

 

 

 

Thank you,

 

 

It is very hard to let someone that has proven they make poor decisions regarding your marriage , take the reigns. Perhaps I should had done that though. Maybe I wouldn't be so tired now.

[Journee]

Journee

 

You are not alone. Anyone who has ever twisted themselves into knots trying to love a person who; was a serial cheater, was addicted to a substance, was a compulsive gambler, or had a personality disorder, etc has been where you are.

 

It sucks the whole life out of you while they keep trucking right along, living their life, doing what they do and leaving a huge trail of destruction in their wake.

 

My father was a drug addict and a serial cheater. And trying to stay married to him just about emotionally killed my mom. She did it so long because when he was sober he was so hurt and remorseful about the craziness he inflicted on everybody when he was not sober. She did because when he was sober he was fantastic, loving, responsible, funny, hard worker and she believed his addiction was an illness and if he could just stay sober life would be good for us kids, for her and for him. She wanted to help him. She gave him chance after chance. EVERYBODY gave him chance after chance: family, friends, employers because he always seemed like a guy worth giving a chance.

 

She finally had to decide that yes he might be have an illness, but she was not a doctor and could not heal him.

 

Sometimes a drowning person will pull you under too.

 

Sometimes you have to save yourself.

 

I really am sorry you are struggling and I wish you the best.

 

 

Thank you Phoenix,

 

I am so sorry you had to witness that. My father is an alcoholic and serial cheater also. I watched my mother do just as your own mother. Perhaps this has a lot to do with my willingness to accept unacceptable behavior. I watched a woman I adore do the same.

 

Thank you for sharing. This really made me think.

[Spark1111]

Those of us who grew up in dysfunction become hyper-responsible, mature, and fixers....that's normal.

 

because we are always sensing the shifting sands around us, we bury our needs, our feelings, and just try to love everyone whole and happy.

 

Doesn't work, but we try to do it anyway, often choosing a partner from the very same parental cloth in an effort to better our childhood wounds.

 

One of the hardest things for me was to become selfish in the sense of identifying what I needed, how I felt, what I wanted for myself and setting realistic goals to get there, with or without my fWS.

 

I needed to believe I deserved happiness.

 

A good IC helped immensely.

 

Journee I wish you peace and selfishness to make you happy. What does that look like for you?

 

And whatever you discover about yourself and your desires, just be honest with your fWS....brutally so, if need be.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hey girl-

It's going to be ok. Maybe you are like me, and you looked at a brick wall and thought, hmmm...that looks like it might be fun to bang my head against. So I did! And it wasn't fun. But I did it again! And it wasn't fun again. So I tried again! Still wasn't fun. My head hurts. The brick wall is not going to change into a fluffy pillow. Wtf?! I'm still standing at the brick wall....

 

For right now, I have decided to stand perfectly still. I'm not going to bang my head against the wall anymore, I'm going to let these bruises heal and hope I don't have too much brain damage from all the head banging I've imposed on myself, and just take a look in the other direction for awhile. I've stopped trying to change the wall. It's a brick wall! What was I thinking?? Just stand still.

 

Sometimes that's the most you can ask of yourself. Be gentle with yourself and get a helmet. Don't bang your bare head anymore. Maybe you can't run away from the wall yet but hey.... It's ok. Baby steps. We will get there. We see the brick wall. We see what we have been doing all this time. We know. Just stand still for awhile, helmet on, no more banging. Ok? Ok.

 

Brick walls are really good at crying, saying sorry, making promises, and breaking them. Over and over and over. Mine does. Does yours?

 

I'm keeping my helmet on this time. And when the swelling goes down in my brain I'm gonna walk away. Want to come with me?

[JR819]

I've been in your situation and my marriage lasted for a very long time, I tell you it wasnt a fun ride with ups and downs, the trust ..it was killing me but we finally split up.

I dont envy you because i know what its like.

 

You can only take it so much. You really need to focus on yourself and start thinking is this worth, always remember he will do it again. I think you deserve better than that...

[findingnemo]

Nemo,

 

We actually were separated for a year. We were in the midst of reconciliation when I became pregnant and he began his affair shortly after ( the latest one that is).

 

I know I am with my H because I love him. I am into him in every way. I married him because I loved him despite himself and he the same with me. I know what it's like to be without him. To live on my own with our oldest. Deciding on childcare and who would do what when. Coming home to an empty place. Making dinner for just my son and I. I did it. I know it can be done. I just want my H to be here with us. This is our home with him here. My oldest is so happy and he deserves that.

 

I had hoped against hope that my H wasn't the man you described. I'm just not sure he will ever understand what this feels like. I have had the evil thoughts to seek revenge but it would be fruitless and as hurt as I am I couldn't.

 

I just want my H to let me be enough.

 

Thanks for the background. Seems like you've been going through hell for a while.

 

Here's the thing.... What you want? It is not within your control. You can't make your husband want only you. He probably does really love you. But his version of love doesn't quite suit you. You wanting your home with him in it is doable. You want a whole family. It is understandable.

 

I will look up your story and may be able to give better advise. In the meantime, you simply cannot blame yourself for what happened or what he has chosen to do.

[krazikat]

Thank you.

 

I do understand that it is frustrating reading posts that seem to be easily rectified. " Duh, dump the guy." I get that. Sometimes I want to shake sense into posters too. Right now I'm not feeling in the mood for it.

 

I try to tell myself that this is the tough road because it will be worth it. Then I ask myself when? How? When H and I separated before his A I thought I was being strong then too. A lot of times I just look back and wonder how the heck I got here.

 

How far are you out from DDay? I'm coming up on a year.

 

 

 

I have this one life. I just want to do it right ya know?

 

((((((journee)))) I can relate. I am going thru it right now, too. Sending positive thoughts and love your way lady.

 

It has been about 7 months since dday and I think that the disappointment I feel right now towards my h...and also the type of woman he cheated on me with...am I the right one for him? I mean, I am definitely not a stripper party girl...is he the right one for me? Is it worth all of this pain?

 

Yikes. I hate affairs.

[seren]

Journee, I have a close male friend who is a wonderful person, his family are everything to him, he is married, has been for almost 18 years to a woman who has cheated on him over and over again. The last time he found out I had a chat with her about it, simply because I couldn't understand how such a seemingly well matched, happy couple had ended up like this. Her answer was that none of the MM were replacements for her H, she loved him, how couldn't she, he was doing everything right, he was still romantic, still attracted to her and to top it all, he took the time to let her know. It seemed that while he was doing everything right, she needed the early days frisson, the excitement and because their relationship had developed into the gentle, easy kind of love, she felt she was missing something.

 

Let's call her J, J said that while she adored her husband, loved him, saw no future without him, she loved the feeling of new relationships, the feeling attractive and sexy and like a young J and not the settled MW she was, or felt she should be. J and her husband (my friend) were, on the surface as in love as ever, they made love, made plans, yet she said the affairs made her feel alive, until the OM wanted more and then she was out of there. That she might lose her husband because of it never crossed her mind, TBH I found that very arrogant, each time she was caught she said never again, hated what she was doing, until the next time. J admitted that it was nothing her H had done or could do, nor about the men she had A's with, it was all about her and her relationship with herself and how she saw herself. The settled married woman jarred with her image of herself.

 

I don't know what the future holds for them, maybe her H will wake up and realise that he is worth better, yet I think he will never love anyone as he loves J and maybe the A's have become a part of (albeit unwelcome on his part) their relationship and he doesn't know what to do to make it stop. I have advised him to do the 180 and finally let her see that it is either a monogamous marriage or none at all. I don't wish a different partner for him as they are a great couple when she isn't cheating, I just wish she would stop and he would stop allowing her to hurt him over and over.

 

When my H had an A, our friend was shocked and was a great support for my H and myself, I wished he could just practice for himself what he advised us. I hope it works out for you Journee. x

[Journee]

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to reply to everyone once I get a moment free to give them all the thought they deserve.

[jnel921]

When you R you need to keep your options open. You may not be in the mood to make a choice. But I am sure when you have had enough or you feel he is enough...you will.