No contact or keep on contact. Heartbroken :(

[broken_hearted20135]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a month ago. We are both young and had been together since we were 18. We lived together for the whole time and things were really serious. In the beginning like the first 2 years we did everything together and didn't really have any outside friends. I know this is unhealthy. Then he started to get new friends and in all honesty I didn't really like them. Things were ok through the 3rd year but then the last 8 months have been really hard. We argued A LOT. Mainly because I had graduated and was miserable in my life. I had always wanted to travel but I was willing to give it up for him. Meanwhile my now ex started going out with his friends more. I could tell he wanted to be more into the partying lifestyle. He also started getting more female friends. This started to make me feel insecure and paranoid. I became super clingy and unhappy, everytime he would go out without me I would be texting him ****. It was really unhealthy. I was paranoid he was pulling away from me (and I was right). We also had some horrible arguments during this time, mainly after we'd both been drinking. But he turned into an aggressive drunk and I didn't really recognise the person he was anymore. I just kept hoping he would turn back into the sweet person I once knew. But he was sick of my negativity.

 

So we had been arguing for a couple of days and then I went home for the weekend to clear my head. We talked on the phone and agreed we'd work things out. But then when I came back to our flat he told me he'd been thinking and he thought it was time for us to break up. I was really distraught and couldn't stop crying. I told him to go to his friends house and moved out the next morning and I have not seen him since. I messaged him a couple of times but nothing too pathetic and I have now been NC for 3 weeks. He kept saying things like 'I need this right now' and 'maybe in the future we can try again but I don't want you to wait'. He also wanted to be friends and keep seeing each other. I told him I didn't think I could do that and he said he understood but was upset. I know he wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants to see if there's better out there and experience the single life but know that I'm always there in case he changes his mind. He also seems to have accepted the fact that by breaking up with me he might never see me again - this hurts. Obviously he thinks he can do as well if not better and that our relationship wasn't that valuable. I am trying to be strong because I do not want to be anyones back up plan. At the same time I feel as though if we'd met a few years from now he could really have been the person I spend my whole life with. And in a way I understand his reasoning, we are young and it is restricting to be in such a serious relationship. I actually tried to break up in February but then we talked for days and decided against it. I guess that planted the idea in his head and it grew from there. I wish I'd ended it there and then rather than drag it on.

 

I am living my life now. I always wanted to travel so that is what I'm going to do. I took a job in asia and I'm moving there in 2 weeks. He doesn't know. I still feel awful though. And I don't know whether to send him a message saying I'm leaving and I think us breaking up was for the best because we were hurting each other. And then maybe just send him a text for his birthday or something and see if he actually follows through and tries to stay in contact? We're not going to get back together in the near future and I know that. I truly truly hope I meet someone else and I find happiness but at the same time I am terrified to cut him out of my life for good in case I never have the same connection with anyone again. Before these problems we were insanely compatible. There's just a little voice inside saying maybe if we just both get everything out of our system we'll both realise we were good together and maybe in 2/3 years get back together . Should I just disappear and never talk to him again? All of my contact details are changing when I move and he's deleted and blocked off fb. He could email me but I doubt he'd think to do that. I will probably be moving back home at some point though maybe not for a few years. I might add he's still in college and will be for a couple more years. He is doing a demanding course and has a high workload. I just feel so pathetic and rejected. I'm pretty sure he has a crush on one of the girls he was talking to and despite him saying he doesn't want a relationship right now I wouldn't be surprised if he started dating her because I think he said that bs to make me feel better.

[supaflyz]

I'm sorry that this has happen to you. He is young and still likes to party. I know you are hurting, but no contact is to help you. No contact is very tough though because you have to fight off the temptations of contacting them. Ultimately at the end of the day you can choose to listen to other people advice on here, or you can contact him. I will recommend you to not contact him. It is time to work on yourself. You and him were also with each other for a long time. Perhaps not contacting him will give him time to think about you and miss you. All that partying will die out. Now remember I just said perhaps it will give him time to miss you and think about you. The main focus is working on yourself and reflecting on what went wrong. If he don't contact you then it's his loss.

[broken_hearted20135]

Thank you for your response supafly

 

I am trying to move on with my life because that is all I can do right now. I hope things will be easier for me once I move and start my new job. He got to stay in our flat surounded by friends and things to do and he still has class every day. Meanwhile I had to move back to my parents house and spend almost all my time alone and I just have way too much time to think. I am sure he has even hooked up with someone already.

 

I can't magine taking him back now because I am quite angry with him. At the same time I don't know if I will regret cutting him out of my life altogether in a few years. If we keep in light contact at least it would be easier to escalate things should we ever want to. But at the same time I don't want to get even more hurt and I am worried keeping him in my life would prevent me fully moving on. I am just so sad and I can't stop feeling this way. I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me insane. He said to me that he loved me and missed and breaking up was the hardest thing he ever had to do and yet he still doesn't want to be with me. I just don't understand. I think there is something he is not telling me but I have stopped looking for answers because I know I will never get the truth from him.

[lavenderlove]

I think you are doing so well! You did all the right things by deleting him off fb, and not contacting him and going travelling.

 

Keep it this way! He will find out eventually that you have gone abroad and it will take him by surprise.

 

If you ever get back together wouldn't you want him to initiate that considering the circumstances of the breakup?

 

If so, just let it go and live!

[aloneinaz]

I think you leave him alone. Don't let him know you're leaving and certainly don't text him on his birthday. I KNOW how hard it is when you go from this person being so important in your life to being gone. I get it. It hurts like hell. The reality is he dumped you, said he doesn't want you in his life anymore and wants to date/screw others and doesn't care that you're going to do the same.

 

You seem to have a rational head on your shoulders. You're acknowledging that the relationship was bad the last year w/too much arguing and fighting. I think it's great that you're moving to Asia and are going to travel a bit. Be excited about it! You have a chance to meet new people and enjoy new experiences.

 

If you go NC and disappear from his life, YOU WILL heal quicker and move on. Don't think "I'll NEVER SEE OR TALK TO HIM AGAIN".. That's simply not reality. If it's meant to be, you guys could talk in a few years and maybe that would be the right time. Most people run into ex's a couple of years later and wouldn't ever THINK about dating them again. Odds are that you'll meet someone new in the near future and realize this ex wasn't meant for you and you'll be happier.

[broken_hearted20135]

I know you're all right and I am going to try my best to stay strong. I just don't think he'll ever contact me again. I guess that should tell me what I need to know.

 

These past few days have been really hard. Don't know why but I have cried literally every day for the past 5 days or so. I'm just so miserable. I'm just lying round bored and sad. Meanwhile he's probably having a great time happy that I'm finally gone and he can have his freedom.

 

I'm terrified I won't meet anyone. I hate being alone. I have absolutely 0 attraction to anyone since it's happened - even if I can accept that they are objectively good looking and nice I just don't want to even envisage a relationship with them. I feel like letting myself like someone else is the last step in getting over him and part of me is scared for the day when I don't want him anymore. Plus I have no idea where to meet men or if I'll meet someone I like and that likes me back. I don't know how to 'date' and tbh the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm not particularly confident or outgoing and I don't love socialising. I just want to skip the getting to know you stage and go straight to serious relationship stage but that's not going to happen with anyone I meet. It was just so easy with my ex, and so relaxed, even in the beginning. I always felt comfortable and safe around him and I literally never feel that with anyone, ever. And I'm scared of getting hurt again, I thought I would be with my ex forever and that he was a nice guy and would stay with me forever but I judged that one spectacularly wrong so I don't trust myself to make any judgements about strangers possibly ever. All the while my ex is surrounded by friends and girls, goes out every week and will easily find someone.

[lavenderlove]

I'm terrified I won't meet anyone. I hate being alone. I have absolutely 0 attraction to anyone since it's happened - even if I can accept that they are objectively good looking and nice I just don't want to even envisage a relationship with them. I feel like letting myself like someone else is the last step in getting over him and part of me is scared for the day when I don't want him anymore. Plus I have no idea where to meet men or if I'll meet someone I like and that likes me back. I don't know how to 'date' and tbh the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm not particularly confident or outgoing and I don't love socialising. I just want to skip the getting to know you stage and go straight to serious relationship stage but that's not going to happen with anyone I meet. It was just so easy with my ex, and so relaxed, even in the beginning. I always felt comfortable and safe around him and I literally never feel that with anyone, ever. And I'm scared of getting hurt again, I thought I would be with my ex forever and that he was a nice guy and would stay with me forever but I judged that one spectacularly wrong so I don't trust myself to make any judgements about strangers possibly ever.

 

 

You just described exactly how I feel. I have also lost confidence in my ability of finding the right person knowing what a massive mistake I made before.

 

I decided to let it go. I am not looking for someone. I am just walking my path and hope that my path will just simply cross that special someone's path one day.

 

[unexpectedlyhere]

My breakup is really recent so not sure how lasting what I feel is but what "I lost" is similar to yours in the sense that it was a long, serious, future-projected relationship that had started before our twenties.

 

I would echo what lavanderlove is saying and strangely for the first time of my life I don't feel the "I have to be with someone" anxiety. I feel like I've almost become a stranger to myself, or someone whose identity was so transient. Now begins my romance with myself

 

You're really brave to take up the job in Asia and get yourself slightly out of your comfort zone - that's where true happiness comes from, so well done for taking that step.

Don't worry about him or others now. They're sort of irrelevant. I don't know whether I fully buy NC so I feel like telling you, it doesn't matter whether you keep light contact with him or not, just don't do it because you miss him, or because you want to keep the back door open. If you need some more time to move on, wait until you've moved on first.

 

Good luck

[broken_hearted20135]

You just described exactly how I feel. I have also lost confidence in my ability of finding the right person knowing what a massive mistake I made before.

 

I decided to let it go. I am not looking for someone. I am just walking my path and hope that my path will just simply cross that special someone's path one day.

 

 

Yes, I am not forcing anything but I still hope I meet someone nice that I like, even if nothing comes of it! I'm just scared I'm broken forever

 

I know it would probably be healthy for me to be single for a while, maybe even a few years, given how young I am and how I haven't been single my whole adult life. I need to focus on myself and my career. At the same time I am scared to end up ~forever alone~. I feel like I've done things really backwards, most people I know were single up to now and are now getting into serious relationships!

 

I am keeping NC because I don't know what I'd say to him right now. It would end up being either an argument or really transparent attempts by me to pry into his life. And I am scared of what I might find out. The thing is, I expect him to date other people within the next year. Maybe even get into a serious relationship. However, if he started dating the girl I mentioned in the OP I don't think I could forgive that, ever. He made me think I was crazy for thinking there was something between them, if after making me doubt myself he then dumps me for her I would be really mad. I don't think I would ever reach the point of indifference about that which is why I wonder whether I'll ever contact him again.

 

I am feeling slightly better these past few days. I think every time I have a bad few days where I cry I am just accepting a little more that it is over and that is a good thing

[lavenderlove]

I have been in relationships most my life too. I have been single for 5 months now and I eased into it, learnt a lot about myself and have put a lot of energy into my work and the people around me.

 

I am happier than ever, even thought I still love my ex.

[ariawuu]

Brokenhearted, You are going through exactly the same thing I am. It's been 4 months for me and we were also together for 4 years. I'm in second year at uni and I also have dreams to travel and live out the single life for a bit. We also did a lot of fighting/arguing in the last year too.

 

What was more hurtful than anything he had ever done to me was what he said and did in the break up. He was really spiteful in the first two months sometimes still is very hurtful to me-despite confronting most of it, he switches from saying "maybe i've been an a hole to you" to "i actually don't feel empathy for you"

after hearing that i lost trust in him and felt betrayed how he can't understand me the way he used to, yet he believes strongly hat he had done nothing to lose my trust. I am dealing it very hard.. but more on that later.

 

I have yet to really push him out of my life for good. I'm still working towards that..but I'm trying to look at this positively and take this opportunity to grow and be a better person.. I need to go sleep now. but I just want to let you know that you are in the same position as I am! I also feel like there is more to what my ex has told me.. and I've noted he has been befriending female friends.. hardly any male friends which I thought was interesting... So I completely understand your look on it. And good lord, I'm also very afraid to never find a connection with anyone else and love anyone as much as I loved him. He has truly set the bar really high and I don't know if I am able to find that again

 

I am sorry if this sounds rushed.. i'll return to this thread to polish up on what i am saying when I am alert and rested. Goodnight for now. xx

Edited July 31, 2013 by ariawuu