lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I was just on skype with my father. He told me awful things. Background story: I am 28. I have just been through a breakup with a guy I have been with for 8 years and thought I would marry and have kids with. Before that I have been in relationships all my life since 16. I think this is due to my family situation, I lost my mother early in life and my dad had some crazy girlfriends so i kind of moved out of home and looking back now I think those relationships I had were beautiful and fun but they were to some extent a way to me to fill in the gaps of my scattered emotional life. So now after this breakup I decided that I won't jump into rebound hell, instead I will focus on myself for the first time in my life and wait for someone truly amazing to come along. So i have done a lot of self improvement, and I am kind of enjoying just working and sorting my life out, spending time with friends working on my art, saving money and getting rid of some serious emotional baggage. And then I talk to my father. And he is saying things like: "You know darling there is a time when people ask you When are you going to get married? and then they ask Why didn't you get married?" When I say to him, that I have just been through a breakup, he goes: Ah yeah at 28 you have HEAPS of time! really sarcastically. He tells me about his friends, beautiful women I know as well, in their thirties settling for guys who will leave their wives for them and then not wanting to have kids anymore because they already have three. He is suggesting me to go out with everyone I can and give them a month and then get rid of them if I don't like them. I just think it's a waste of time and energy to form a relationship with people who I don't connect with first up. It's not like I couldn't go out on a date if I wanted to. I got asked out at the first party I went to after my breakup and many guys seemed interested in me. But I declined because I am not ready or I didn't like him that much. I don't know. Any thoughts on this?
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks, these are the kind of comments I was expecting. Please bring them on!
RaidDolEm78 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I am 35 years old, just coming out of a 7 year relationship. Before that was a five year relationship. I've never been married. Like you, I believe it is because of my childhood scars, and now I am just taking the time for myself. Although my family has never expressed statements like your father has, I get the impression sometimes they are thinking things along this line. Like I am a disappointment or something. My grandfather has only seen one of his 13 grandchildren get married, and im the oldest and it wasn't me.
sweetkiwi Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 My dad never pressures me, but my mom does which I find hilarious considering she's been married three times already. Oh and her side of the family thinks at 26 I am too old to get married and have kids . They've even asked me if I was a lesbian :lmao:. Only a bit . You keep doing what is best for you.
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I am 35 years old, just coming out of a 7 year relationship. Before that was a five year relationship. I've never been married. Like you, I believe it is because of my childhood scars, and now I am just taking the time for myself. Although my family has never expressed statements like your father has, I get the impression sometimes they are thinking things along this line. Like I am a disappointment or something. My grandfather has only seen one of his 13 grandchildren get married, and im the oldest and it wasn't me. I have a family member who went through a horrible divorce when she was above 40, she was miserable for years and then found an amazing men and they got married he is in his 50's and they just look so happy together. I don't think that love has a time limit.
Els Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Ugh, I totally get where you're coming from. Thing is, with such people, it doesn't stop when you get a boyfriend, trust me. After that it will be hassling you to get married, then hassling you to get children, then hassling you because they think you're bringing up your children the wrong way... Do your best to enforce appropriate boundaries for conversation with your parents - tell them what you think, then tell them you love them but would appreciate them not bringing that up anymore. If they do, steer the conversation away. If they persist, tell them nicely that you're not going to partake in it. If they throw a tantrum, hang up. Hurts, but you have to start asserting boundaries at 28, if you don't want their behaviour to continue. Good luck. 1
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 My dad never pressures me, but my mom does which I find hilarious considering she's been married three times already. Oh and her side of the family thinks at 26 I am too old to get married and have kids . They've even asked me if I was a lesbian . Only a bit . Oh that sounds terrible. My dad has married twice, cheated on my mother constantly and had two other relationships with neurotic women i had to put up with after I lost my mum at 14. I guess you must pick who to listen to. 1
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Do your best to enforce appropriate boundaries for conversation with your parents - tell them what you think, then tell them you love them but would appreciate them not bringing that up anymore. If they do, steer the conversation away. If they persist, tell them nicely that you're not going to partake in it. If they throw a tantrum, hang up. Hurts, but you have to start asserting boundaries at 28, if you don't want their behaviour to continue. Thanks that sounds like really good advice. I have been thinking about such solutions. I am thinking next time I will tell my dad that I am working on it-which I do, my own way- and that he will be the first to know when I find someone I like. Cheers and topic is closed. 1
Zahara Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 At my age, late 40s, I still get hassled. It's just the culture. But they know not to go overboard. You have to be firm with boundaries. They love you and while they may not be going about it the right way, you can control that.
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 At my age, late 40s, I still get hassled. It's just the culture. But they know not to go overboard. You have to be firm with boundaries. They love you and while they may not be going about it the right way, you can control that. So how do you do it? Do you just let them know that you don't want to talk about it, or make them feel that their comments aren't welcome?
Zahara Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 So how do you do it? Do you just let them know that you don't want to talk about it, or make them feel that their comments aren't welcome? I don't take it personally, for one. I accept that they're my parents and they do it because they want the best for for me, and it's just that they aren't as tactful as they should be. After the divorce, I'd get hassled and because of my culture. boundarirs are not existent in my family. I had a difficult time. One day I sat my parents down, told them that I loved them and that a lot has happened in my life. It was now time for me to live it the best way I knew how and getting involved again with someone wasn't in my plan. I told them that I knew they wanted the best for me and that when I meet someone again, they would be the first to know. I mentioned that hassling me only made me feel bad and pressured and it wasnt helping me. My mother was sensitive to it but now when I talk to her, she'll sheepishly just ask, "so any news?" I'll just say, "mom!" And she'll snicker. It's not an issue anymore except with the damn relatives!
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I used to get a little hassle from my parents, but not too much. My aunties on Christmas were a nightmare though. So one particular Christmas I say to them "I've met someone special".... So they get all excitied "what's her name, what's her name". I looked at them and said "his name is Brian and I think he is the one" and casually walked off...They never asked any more questions after that ;-) That's awesome! But I think I would have to be careful with such replies in case they fall off their chairs.
Author lavenderlove Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 After the divorce, I'd get hassled and because of my culture. boundarirs are not existent in my family. I had a difficult time. One day I sat my parents down, told them that I loved them and that a lot has happened in my life. It was now time for me to live it the best way I knew how and getting involved again with someone wasn't in my plan. I told them that I knew they wanted the best for me and that when I meet someone again, they would be the first to know. I mentioned that hassling me only made me feel bad and pressured and it wasnt helping me. My mother was sensitive to it but now when I talk to her, she'll sheepishly just ask, "so any news?" I'll just say, "mom!" And she'll snicker. It's not an issue anymore except with the damn relatives! Seems like a lot of work. I wish I could be at the stage when I can just say to dad: Daaaad! and he would stop. I know he means good and he loves me but his is just not the kind of advice I need right now. I am glad enough that I didn't loose the plot and jump into Mr whoever's bed for the sake of having Mr whoever say goodnight. The weird thing is I am not even stressed about being single. I just know that it is going to be fine. I just have a feeling that waiting now is worth it. I can sense it deep inside. And I know that even though I am a women in full bloom at this age life has much more interesting chances and options than the picture perfect scenarios on offer. But I can't tell him any of this because he doesn't listen I literally have to fight to get a word in every time. Huh.
Zahara Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It isn't a lot of work if you spend 10 minutes sitting him down and telling him how you feel. I don't believe they understand how they're making you feel but if you communicate it to him in detail, he may be able to check himself the next time he's curious. It would also help to tell him where you are at this stage in your life and that you're happy, because for some parents seeing their child alone is a difficult thing and to them it equates to unhappiness and loneliness.
Talulah Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 My parents don't do it verbally, but I know what they are thinking. It's worse with friends who are married socially inept men. I always say that it's easy to judge when they are not in your shoes. I laugh at some if these dating "strategies" that they would use if they were in my shoes. I've sloqly drifted away from family members who do that.
Author lavenderlove Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 It isn't a lot of work if you spend 10 minutes sitting him down and telling him how you feel. I don't believe they understand how they're making you feel but if you communicate it to him in detail, he may be able to check himself the next time he's curious. It would also help to tell him where you are at this stage in your life and that you're happy, because for some parents seeing their child alone is a difficult thing and to them it equates to unhappiness and loneliness. I guess you are right. I say those things anyway, but not in a serious way. I would just say a comment like this is not what I need to hear right now, but I say it laughingly. So maybe next time I will change my tone of voice, so I get the point across.
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