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i went to France with this guy - is it all for nothing? (Also, facebook sucks)

mysterymissgreeneyes

By mysterymissgreeneyes
in Second Chances

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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I have been hung on my ex even though we broke up about a year and a half ago. We had a fiery passionate kind of love, yet could also talk for hours about anything intellectual or silly. I am worried I might not find that again - I love him for who he is and am having trouble deciding whether to hang onto that.

 

We broke up because.... well I am a bit of a political activist and accidentally went screaming-liberal on him one night; I felt very frustrated and isolated by his not understanding my views, and I screwed up. This led to our failed relationship (although I do believe it takes two people to mess something up completely).

 

I moved on rather quickly with a new guy 2 months after, however I think it's important to clarify why - not because I have trouble being alone; I'm very much an introvert and find "me" time extremely important in any stage in my life. I may have JUMPED into the relationship as a way to help get my mind off my ex - and as an added bonus this new guy had some very distinctly different characteristics from my ex that appealed to me. We have now been together for over a year and he is so sweet and supportive.... We actually studied abroad in France for a semester together spontaneously and traveled the world.

This relationship (as opposed to the fiery passionate kind I had with my ex) feels like it could WORK for my whole life, but that I might become bored with it because he is not as creative or deep. I am not generally the type to settle, however I am exhausted of being hurt by and hurting others.

 

Originally after the break-up with my ex, I deleted him from facebook so that it wouldn't be painful or tempting to find his posts. About a year later (while I was in France), he re-requested me with a nice short message that he thought it would be nice to talk again. Up until this point I had done a pretty good job of putting him out of my mind.... But since he has messaged me, he hasn't left my dreams or waking thoughts.

However, it seems he was not able to see that I was in a relationship BEFORE re-friending me... because when I accepted his request and attempted to make conversation he started playing hard to get: waiting days and days to respond, responding minimally, being a bit cold. Was this only because he was jealous? This is what I assumed.

 

Strangely, I am aware that he has had other relationships with some girls, however his facebook status has always remained "single". Do you think he might want to appear available to me, or is this silly to think?

 

He has been posting songs that are very clearly "I want you back" songs, but stopped after I post one with somewhat similar meanings.

 

I just couldn't get him out of my head. I ended up writing him a letter, which essentially said that I was sorry for creating the argument that ended our relationship and that I hoped to see him again one day. He mentioned in a birthday comment on my facebook that he had received it and was happy to.

 

 

Since then I have caved in moments of weakness and attempted to create conversation between us once again online again, but the conversation always ends with me. I have contemplated deleting my facebook or blocking him again to cope with these confused feelings (and the pros/cons of facebook in general).... But I know that I still love him and hope that we may still have a shot.

 

I feel guilty of course over the relationship I'm in - I have grown to care a lot about this boy too - but I am mostly just confused. Should I give up on the love of my life?

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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He isn't the love of your life. Trust me. I've been in your situation. The guy you're with now, the one you're afraid you're going to get bored with? The one you yourself said you could see "working" for the rest of your life? That might be the love of your life.

 

Unfortunately, you may not realize it until it's too late, or it might take you years and years until you realize that drama/excitement /= love before you are fully aware of it.

 

Good luck.

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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Thanks Treasa, I appreciate it.

 

I'm sure you're probably right, it's just hard to let go. But I think I realized it's just more of a modern day/social media problem, since I wasn't thinking about the ex every day until he re-established contact. Probably not worth pining over.

 

But I also don't want to give up passionate love you know? Do you think that since passion will always fade in a relationship, that that's why someone more dependable is the true love of one's life?

In your life (if you feel like sharing), did you lose someone like this?

lula69 Member

lula69

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I think you should be looking at yourself here.

 

Who is the love of your life? I don't know.

 

The nice guy you are with right now, you should tell him off.

 

You say you can be alone, so, may be this is the right time to be it.

 

If you don't have passion with the France guy, you are using him and leading him on. Be a responsible human and tell the guy you are sorry, and that there is your ex and that despite him being nice, you were missing the passion. Be charitable here.

 

This is how you do a break up in the best kindest way. You sandwich the message. You say what you think is great about the guy. Then you say BUT ... and you are honest about the lack of passion and his ex. He deserves to know both of these things. You may even do some self reflection and communicate that you are really sorry about hurting him now. Then you end in giving him something positive about himself. Don't tie him up in hope. Then you disappear from his life. He will likely tell you he'll be there for you, and he'll keep the lines open, tell him that it's not fair, and that even if you were to one day make up your mind again, he doesn't deserve to be second choice. If he begs you to stay, say he deserves a woman who passionately loves him, and you are not that woman. Then, as I said, depart from his life. You may say you close all channels of communication to him so that you will not lead him on, so that you will not tie him down.

 

And then you be by yourself. Then you can think about your ex. And if perhaps he is the love of your life and the future. Break the cycle of hurts and lies. But have a good look at yourself and take responsibility for your happiness. Your happiness is not the responsibility of the guys in your life.

 

All the best.

lula69 Member

lula69

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He isn't the love of your life. Trust me. I've been in your situation. The guy you're with now, the one you're afraid you're going to get bored with? The one you yourself said you could see "working" for the rest of your life? That might be the love of your life.

 

No the nice guy you are with now is likely not the love of your life.

 

Don't lead him on.

 

Everything you say about him is the classic opening for a marital melt down. He does not deserve a woman who doesn't really love him passionately. He may want and accept you, but you are bored now, it will only get worse. And you think you may hurt him now -- just wait, 4 years down after marriage and with 2 year old children, you will hurt him far worse.

 

Do not marry the nice guy.

 

Instead, tell him off and be alone for some time and figure out who you really are and who you want to be. How long can you exist without guy-surfing? That ex, I can believe he might be someone to go back to. But only if there is passion.

 

I have no idea how anyone can tell from your description that the ex might not be something to try, because all we know is you had passion and a political dispute -- and having any dispute shows at least he is someone who will not be afraid of making you upset. That's an ingredient for passion.

 

Conversely, everything you say about the nice guy shows you are just basking in his care and support. But you are using that nice guy. And you are cheating on him every day that you do not tell him about your ex.

Edited by lula69
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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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I agree that I need to reflect inward on what I want and how to treat whoever I am with right. I don't want to be using anybody - but it definitely didn't feel this way (feeling like my current boyfriend might be a "settle") at all UNTIL my ex reached out and made me question whether going back to him would be the real kind of love that I want. (I guess the main problem is that I don't KNOW what kind of love I want.)

 

I completely understand that to stay with this guy while I harbor feelings for someone else is wrong. But I think first, I will try cutting contact with the ex.... And focusing on the relationship I am in. I wouldn't have gone to France with him if I didn't truly care about him. I would have gone alone (like the first two times I moved there for short durations).

 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

 

Even though I still feel strongly about the ex, we live in different states and still share different belief systems. We could "agree to disagree", but I'm uncertain we would work things out the second time around.

 

So either I should stick with what I've got and love this person right (for the time being at least - I don't want to marry for at least another 5-10 years) OR I should say bye to both and focus on me some more. But honestly, I am the kind of person who deals with a lot of seriously depressing issues in my studies, and having someone to share things with and to love is an important reprise in my life. Loving is sort of necessity that helps heal and counteract my grief. But in such a way that I like to give myself to someone and do so much for them, rather than use them to feel loved and receive.

 

What went wrong with my ex, is that I could not vent to him about political issues without him saying he didn't think it was important and me getting upset about that. Since then, online it seems he has gotten more involved in politics since we broke up, but then again I don't want to expect that he has changed - heck I don't even want to want him to change. I just want something that will last in love.

lula69 Member

lula69

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What are your studies and what is your activism?

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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I'm studying international relations, which is about 75% polysci theory classes (nearly done with the degree, 6 months to go) and am considering more schooling focused on Multi-cultural conflict and peace resolution. I'm involved in a number of causes including education reform, extreme poverty and economic inequality (both in the states and abroad), and gender equality. My plans are to travel a lot more, teaching abroad and working with human rights organizations. I'll likely be off again in six months to a year (which tells me that neither of these relationships is probably IT for me. It would be hard to work either that long-distance). I also don't think it's worth hurting who I am with now via breaking up with them while we remain at the same school for 6 months, before I go off on a new start anyway.

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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But I do have a hard time letting go of people I love/loved. I want to do what's best for everyone, what would be good for my mental health, but am hesitant to close opportunities to find or have true love

lula69 Member

lula69

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It may not be worth hurting in these 6 months now, but perhaps it is best to be open how you see this.

 

If you do not pursue the relationship for long term, best to say it now. That way he can get clear too. Enjoy each other guilt free while you are together and defer hopes for later to ... well, later.

 

And I still don't think that you are with your Mr. Right ... speaking of which, you may want to find the book "Is He Mr. Right" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Work through the dimensions of chemistry. You need to have them for a relationship to work.

 

I am worried reading about the lack of passion. That is no basis for long term. People don't just "settle down" after wild years. It's a deceptive (and very common thought). Women hit a testosterone shock when they get 27-35, which means they become horny and then regret a boring "settled down with a good guy" relationship. Many good guys get hurt there. Do not do it.

 

 

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PS: For your gender equality interest, I hope you also read the book "Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say" by Warren Farrell.

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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I agree with you 100%. Passion is important to me - guess I'm just skeptic about whether passion can last in ANY relationship after years and years of mundane life. I hope so!

I devour books and will definitely check out the two you mentioned. Thanks for helping me with outside perspectives, both of you, I appreciate your time.

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mysterymissgreeneyes Member

mysterymissgreeneyes

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Do you suggest I delete the ex from facebook? I think either that, or deleting my profile altogether will help my anxiety about this.

I would actually prefer to delete my facebook entirely but the only thing holding me back are the connections I have made abroad and would like to keep.

Are you guys on fb and what are your feelings about it/ how often do you go on?

lula69 Member

lula69

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I am on Facebook and I do not see it as a danger for me to an LTR, never was. On Facebook I have my professional network and family and all. But I have heard that Facebook is a connection portal for exes and that can cause big trouble in those marriages. My next LTR, I will be jealous about Facebook and I will allow my woman to be jealous too. I will only be with someone who does not keep some secret "private space".

 

But I am also not sure whether trying to fend off the intrusion by exes and strangers by tuning out is a totally effective thing. I think you were susceptible to him showing up again. And this susceptibility might be worth confronting from the inside.

 

Since you are not married with your current BF, you might just speak very freely about your experiences and what's going on inside of you. Hold onto yourself and let him decide what to do and you can respond. In my opinion, any relationship worth having should be free of secrets that one of the two tries to go off solving alone. And I am not judging from some high horse, I have been the secretive guy myself -- all the way. I do not want to do it any more, not because of some moral stuff, but because I want to share, not hide, what excites me. And I want to have an exciting life in the open.

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