Caldespair Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Went out for music with some buddies, mind u a a large venue, and of course I run into my sbxw. I had ALL the requisite feelings. I greeted her, we both smiled. We are in expensive litigation , and we are both close with our 2 teenage girls. I may have blown it by saying to her can we talk private for a minute? So we do and I say, "all I can think of when I reflect on our 27 year relationship, is love". And I really do feel this way and she was one who wanted to end marriage. She kinda goes ballistic and rants and raves about, family issues, my previous opiate use (was years ago and I did rehab successfully). Bottom line: encounter was not good and only lasted about 2 mins. But I'm now thinking of telling my teenage girls my full story about my previous opiate usage (pain meds due to back surgery). I want to have, as I have now, a great relationship with my kids. Thus Im hoping I'd I tell them unvarnished truth, then my sbxw will not be able to pollute my kids in any way. Any thoughts on this ? Tell my kids about my warts?
trippi1432 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hi Cal - Just reading what you wrote about the encounter with your stbx, it seems like she hit a nerve with the opiate use and used it to create insecurity in you. Mind you, she's had enough time to look at the entire 27 years and find the issues she needs to be able to move the divorce forward....the warts (she may have accepted them before, but she uses them now to push down her feelings). So...looking at that, do you think your kids really need to know or want to know about something that happened eons ago? Are they asking about it, are they discrediting you as their father, is this an issue in their lives that makes it hard for them to cope? If the answer to any of that is No, not really....it's my problem and a part of my past, it's my wife's issue that she wants to hold onto....none of this is harming my kids or my relationship with them. Unless they ask specifically about it, this is primarily your wife hitting a nerve and giving you something to feel insecure about. I don't think you need to bring it up to the kids in order to redeem yourself at this point or involve them in it. Just my opinion. 4
Steadfast Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You don't want to be accused of keeping things from your kids. That's fine. But, the sooner they realize your business is your business, the better. Honestly is important, but it doesn't have to include cleaning out your soul. Yes, you did blow it. Walkaways get a double portion. The betrayed thinks about them 24-7 and they think about themselves 24-7. We just have to tell them *something* don't we? They just have to know we've overcome it! Just another example of words being a poor replacement for actions. 3
Author Caldespair Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Trip and stead, thanks for input. Stead, so basically your saying let my actions with my 19 and 16 yr old be the reality? What if she is talking crap about my past to justify her divorcing me? They both know she's the one who's pulling plug on marriage . So true about betrayed and double portion. It was quite disquieting, the encounter. Truth is, affected me very little emotionally and helps me realize even more so how she's fd up and how far I've come along in this journey. She has sooo much hate. I don't have nor do I want to be hateful. It would be nice if my sbxw was civil, but such is life.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 What if she is talking crap about my past to justify her divorcing me? What if she is? Your kids are old enough that they will consider the source and draw their own conclusions. Not something you can control and therefore not something you should worry about ... Mr. Lucky 3
Steadfast Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Stead, so basically your saying let my actions with my 19 and 16 yr old be the reality? Yes, because that's all reality really is. It's what we do now. That's why I believe therapy that digs up the past is a waste of time. Everyone has a past. I do, you do. I wasn't abused but I was mistreated many times. My ex? That was abuse. I'd never suffered it before and as a result, I have a new outlook on those that have. I appreciate my loved ones more. The rest? What's she's saying or whatever? She may feel justified to do so. It's easy to find a person's faults. Much harder to deal with your own- 1
Misfortune Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I thought therapy that brought up past happenings were also useless until I ended up in therapy. I don't think it's useless anymore. Just having someone listening has been a big help in me moving forward in life. The past shapes your future and sometimes, your past doesn't always stay in the past. Some people's pasts haunt them for life and affect their day to day life. The therapy is needed to help you face and hopefully conquer your fears by looking back at what made you the way you are today. I understand myself better, I'm not as stressed anymore and I can better cope with disappointment. 1
trippi1432 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Therapy can go both ways....you get out of it what you put into it. If you are looking for someone to be on the hook for your woes in life..you will get that...if you want to be responsible and understand what you need to change about your life...you will get that. If you want to throw away money...fine..if you have an ego problem..you probably need to. I go back to the original question..why do you need to explain yourself? Better yet...why do you need to defend yourself from a perceived attack that hasn't happened yet? 2
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