Thata Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I met an amazing woman. I was flirtative, broke the touch barrier as early as I could and made it clear that I don't want to listen about her ex. She kept initiating physical contact, hand on arm, back etc. At one meet there was some cuddling as well. We also exchange prolonged eye contact, and generally we spent a lot of time together. I thought it was pretty clear that she's into me. She also said after the events from the next paragraph that she always knew I'm into her. But when I gathered the courage to try to kiss her, she pushed me away. I couldn't handle it and walked out, directed her towards her bus stop and just faceplanted a wall and stood there for 10 minutes. When I turned around she was still there, so I said I won't be an ass and I'll walk her to the bus stop. There she couldn't stand the awkward silence so she grabbed me under the arm and we went to a park to talk it out. There she confided in me something she never told anyone before; something related to her ex and him abandoning her in her time of need, and she said that it's why she's not looking for any relationship or contact with men in general, and followed it by saying that if not for her past, she would've jumped into my bed on the first occasion she got. We exchanged few hugs and I found it only appropriate to give her something from my painfull past as well. She had to go and we started walking to her bus stop, she asked if we're gonna break contact now, but I said I care about her too much and I won't leave her but at one point on the way she asked if she can kiss me, i replied that she doesn't have to ask me this kind of things, and she gave me the greatest kiss I ever got in my life. We leaned on each other foreheads for a while and made out a tiny bit more. 2 days later we met again, no talking about what happened, some hand holding, but when I tried to kiss her when she was leaving she rejected me again. I couldn't bear it so I confessed my feelings to her on facebook the following night and gave her two options; to either give her some time and space, or keep me as a friend, she chose the latter. We still talk like usual, but I decided to never leave her, show her that she can count on me and that I'm not like her ex. That I just won't abandon her. All this hoping that she will feel comfortable with herself enough to try again. So my question is this. Is my thinking pattern proper? What should I do? Please, help me, and thanks in advance.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Your attention is welcome but your advances are not...you'd have to give her time and stop taking this as a hit to the pride, sometimes people really are hurt....but it's really because of her issues resulting from that and likely other elements from childhood. But seriously I think you're drawn in by the challenge, there's no way you could say you wouldn't abandon her...for some women leaving a relationship is abandonment in itself, even if things are not well anymore and it's for the better...they'll still blame you for leaving, even if it was the right thing to do because that is their greatest fear...that is what their issues are all about, they don't have to make sense and it's best you try not to pretend you understand them...it's not about you proving anything, this is not about you...you could never accomplish that or give her that security, that's in her own mind. You're drawn to her unavailability and she's drawn to the attention and reassurance you are giving her.
Author Thata Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I admit I feel closer to her because of my ****ty past as well. But believe me, I do not take it as a challenge, although I can't exactly put my finger on what it is.
Author Thata Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Anything more please? I'm seeing her tomorrow.
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Okay, I'm going to give it a shot here.... Your "intentions" and "sentiments" are admirable, but you must realize that, for now, and very possibly, she is not wanting more than friendship. You are currently clouded by an idealistic view of her and enamoured to the point of deluding yourself into believing that something can happen when it may very well not. Watch out! Your heart is drowning out your head, reason and this could lead you to get hurt or even do some of the hurting. You can be her friend and still see other ladies. If she is wanting friendship, then she would understand if you moved on and dated other women. You can still be there to support her, but it will not be easy. I know what you're going through. I've been where you are. In the end, it worked out as it should have for me, but this is not a common theme in such situations. Don't idealize this as much as you seem to be doing. Think objectively. When you make such promises, you better be sincere and prepared to be hurt and sacrifice. Otherwise, they are simply empty promises, right? My suggestion is that you give her breathing room and let her make the moves towards you, if it happens at all. Don't smother her and don't make your friendship a veil for a selfish desire to secure a romantic relationship. If you do, you are potentially in for a lot of frustration (you already have shown) and heart-break. Since returning to dating after 15 years, I've come to soberly realize that people (women) are much more damaged, burdened, jaded than I remember them to be. A lot of baggage that you cannot relieve themselves of and if not careful, that baggage will become a part of your burden to your detriment. You also have a right to be happy, content, so be objective and don't make her the subject of your happiness and, unfortunately, a fantasy/dream that may prove to be more than you can commit to when things don't go your way. Good luck. Be a friend if you can, but if not, let her go, or distance yourself and let her come to you when SHE needs you. Edited July 29, 2013 by soccerrprp 1
CptSaveAho Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I fully disagree with letting her come to you when she needs you Ninja's post of you like the challenge, while you dont agree/see what he said to be true, in the big picture it is Its in essence due to your ****ty past... you chase emotionally unavailable women and pray/hope/desperate for their love and affection... most likely due to the lack of love and respect for you have for yourself My advice would be to work on yourself. Fix whatever void you have in yourself and put dating on hold. Do the hard work now, so you dont live a life full of bad relationships/misery. No decent person would date someone thats broken/damaged/hurt
Author Thata Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Just to leave some closure here. We kissed and I reciprocated her "I Love you". So all's well that ends well I guess
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