linds13 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This is a relationship post. I would appreciate any help I could get as I’m really having a hard time coping with life. Here’s a short scenario of what has happened the past 7 years. I moved to CA at the age of 25 for a guy. I ignored many red flags on the relationship and stayed in it although it became very toxic for both of us. I’m now 31 and we broke up again 3 weeks ago. I was staying busy being strong these past weeks but hit a road block these past two days. I am a teacher and currently have a ton of time on my hands. I have a small amount of friends out here to keep me company. I workout, play volleyball and sit in the sauna daily to keep myself busy. I often talk to strangers too. I’ve tried doing things that make me happy and often run out of ideas and find myself sitting at home bored and alone. I texted my ex yesterday and got no response. I then proceeded to call and text him today as well and nothing. Obviously he’s not responding for an assortment of reasons, and it doesn’t have to make sense to me, but my question is how long am I going to feel this hopeless? I wonder if being this low and having such horrible self confidence is now who this relationship has turned me into. I’m friendly and can shoot **** the **** with people here and there, go out keep myself busy, but at the end of the day I feel empty in side. I feel compassion-less and that I have no heart or authenticity. I realize in saying this I have a long road ahead of me to self love. Why even bother to beg my ex back, I’ll just sound needy. If he wanted to talk he would have responded by now. I just can’t keep going through the motions motionless. I need to go through the emotions of a loss. It’s almost as if I have PTSD. Any advice would help. I’m 31, not getting any younger, have my career life in order, but feel empty, alone and miserable about myself and my personal life. Update: He texted yesterday and I ended up speaking to him briefly.... In a nutshell he said he was in a better place without me in his life (these past 3 weeks) and was extremely happy. We spoke and he said he knew this would happen (me being extremely sad), but didn't expect it so soon. He said our book is done and that it's over and that he's starting his own book "life". It ended with please respect the decision and don't make any contact. He said so your not confused "we" are no longer, "we" are over. I didn't contact him today. I detoxed him out of my room, getting rid of everything that reminded me of him. I'm still super nervous about his life and what he's doing more than myself...
Author linds13 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 My ex and I have dated on and off for the past 7 years. We broke up again 3 weeks ago. I've been ok with it until this week where I've had melt downs and contacted him on numerous occasions. I told him I still have feelings for him and want to still be together. He responds that he is in a better place and that he can't give me anything but sex because he won't go back to the sad relationship we had. (He thinks I'm pathetic b/c I don't fix my mistakes the way he needs it and tells me to. He also thinks I've held him back and haven't made him a better man.) Needless to say his last text stated: "i'm going to explore all my options. Leave no stone unturn before I ever give it a shot with you. I gave you 7 years.It's time I go my way. It's only fair for me." I truly think that if I stay true to him, don't date and work on myself and my happiness that we'll be together again. Am I crazy?
Oldcatskinner Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Realize this: You and him are not together. Don't spend your time pining over him. He made it clear that he does not want to be with you right now. Don't live your live on the what if's. Since he told you that he does not want to be together, take that at face value and act off of that accordingly. Go do what is best for you. You may wonder if he wants to take you back in the future. Others on this board ask us for advice. The answer: We are not them, so we don't know. It is foolish to speculate on that. As harsh is it sounds, your ex did you a favor: He cut you loose. He could be good, he could be bad, he could crap rainbow jellybeans etc. etc. Go do what is best for you. You are your own special person, and don't have any business as a component of someone else. Remember that. OCS
youngnlove89 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I've been in an off and on relationship for 2.5 years also. These guys say hurtful things, break up with you, say they are done this time and then all of a sudden come back claiming they missed you and want to try again. It's a vicious cycle as I'm sure you know. It's hard, but the best option we have is to stick with NC. Move on to better things. I've said this MANY times only for him to come back and I get weak in the knees always letting him back in. Sad thing is that it never changes. They don't change. Things will be good for awhile, then when everything is going great, they want out again. In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place. Don't contact him anymore. Post here instead. I've had a subtle urge to check in on my ex. But it's been 2 weeks and I need to remain strong. I know one day I'll be okay. You will too.
Author linds13 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Thank you all for the advice. I know you can give it until your blue in the face, but the choice it ultimately up to me. This is my problem and I have to deal with it and overcome it...
Minneloa Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Thank you all for the advice. I know you can give it until your blue in the face, but the choice it ultimately up to me. This is my problem and I have to deal with it and overcome it... This response puzzled me. Yes, it's your problem and your choice. But you are posting on a public advice forum soliciting others' perspectives and opinions. Are you feeling resistant to the input you have received so far? What course of action are you considering instead?
Minneloa Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I truly think that if I stay true to him, don't date and work on myself and my happiness that we'll be together again. Am I crazy? I don't think you are crazy, but from what you have posted, you are hurting a lot right now and, with all due respect, might not be thinking clearly. To me, the idea of putting your life on hold and waiting for your ex to come back sounds like a recipe for continued, indefinite suffering. What if he never does? What about *your* life and happiness? It seems like a plan that is built on fear and false hope. I strongly urge you to reconsider and to give yourself some time and space to heal from the breakup. Sending good thoughts, M.
along60years Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 You are not crazy, maybe a little codependent, but certainly not crazy. I am 6 mos out of a 7 year relationship with no previous breakups and I am codependent. I still have occassional times of "hope" or get motivated to fix something thinking it will bring him back. It won't. 7 years is a long time and he knows who you are through and through. Give him space, don't contact him, and try really HARD to think about other things. I know you miss the memories and the plans. It blows, is depressing, and feels hopeless. I am still stuck in the same place, but the pain associated with the thoughts is much less. He is doing you a favor by being clear and not wishywashy. Believe him that it is over and live your life like he is never coming back. You said yourself the relationship was not great, heal and find a better one. I can't imagine anything better than my ex, but he is my first and codependency does that. I have heard 8 mos for relationships as long as ours. Be kind to yourself, you are not the only one.
oldshirt Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 . Am I crazy? Yes. Yes you are. Now I don't mean that to be mean or to hurt your feelings and everyone goes a little koo-koo to one degree or another for awhile so you are in good company:p The thing is, guys very rarely formally break up with women. They just stop calling and stop coming around. Usually that is after they have found someone else. And generally they will still get together and sleep with you afterwards until their next girlfriend puts the kibosh on it. so the fact that he has been so explicit and so definitive in his insistence that it is over, then you are a little crazy for continuing to try to pursue this. Here is some excellent, expert advice on what to do about it - - STOP IT!!!! Just stop it!!! Take the hint, keep doing what you are doing and keep getting out, keep meeting and interacting with people, keep pursuing the hobbies and activities you enjoy but stop calling/txting him. He has made it perfectly clear that he no longer wishes to continuing seeing you. any time and energy you spend on him is time and energy wasted and spit into the wind. If you find yourself completely obcessing over him and you can't get him out of your thoughts and you are not capable of moving past it and living a healthy productive life, then you may have some kind of actual problem and may need some professional help to deal with this in a more productive and healthy manner. Getting dumped sucks and we all go a little batty but if you can't get past it and you can't seem to pull yourself out and live a healthy life, it's time to get some help with it and strangers on a website can only offer so much help.
Appleness Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hi linds13, I'm gonna weigh in with my 2 cents. I was in an extremely long LTR myself which ended last (more or less 8 years, with 3 breakups). I'm sure that to the people who heard his side of the story, he would have told them probably something like what your ex told you. That you held him back, didn't do x-y-and-z to his liking, and that whatever else bull excuse he threw at you. Allow me to tell you the truth: 1) If he was REALLY that unhappy all along, he wouldn't have stay that many years. Unless there was something else that off-set the "cons" of the relationship, no one purposely subjects himself to misery for 7 years. 2) You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. The fact that you didn't do things to his liking is his business. I'm sure he wasn't perfect either. Ask yourself : did he do everything exactly to your liking all the time? If not, he has not right to hold that against you. 3) You need to take back control of your life. Unless you started dating as a prepubescent teenager, having dated someone for 7 years means that you are a grown woman. It is about time that you learn the value of your own self-worth. Know your boundaries. I'm guessing that you're fairly educated if you're a teacher. If you have a job, all the better. There are still so many people out there who don't have a degree or a steady job. If you have both, you have something to offer. Now whatever "things" he wanted you to fix, if they are legitimate concerns (bad credit, victim mentality, health issues) and you feel that you want to fix them, then do so. But do it for YOURSELF and because it will make you a better person. Don't change stuff about yourself to please other people. If you do, in the end you'll get resent them for nagging you. If the things he was telling you to fix were frivolous, then trust me, you dodged a bullet. No one needs to have someone chop away at their self-esteem. You don't miss him. You miss having a confidant and the comfort of the relationship. Trust me, I've been there. And yes, all those people telling you that things get better? It's true. Work hard to better yourself and your life will get better on it's own. Good luck!
Author linds13 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Today was a lot better, I steered clear and kept busy and felt good. I understand contacting him will be a waste of time and energy and only hurt me. I'm trying to live in the moment and I'll deal with the waves of emotions as they keep arising. I know it's going to take months to heal and I want to do it the right way, learning something from this and becoming a better woman for ME. I know there will be good days and bad, but I just keep telling myself to get through the bad days and tomorrow will be a little brighter. Thank you all for the honest support. I know what needs to be done. I need to find me happiness, xo
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