He says I am not sexy but loves me and wants to marry me anyway.....

[seahorse]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I'm sorry this is unacceptible. Jeez. You don't need to learn how to handle being criticized like that.

 

My Dad once told me that when you really love someone, you know exaclty what to say to wound them in the deepest way, BUT, because you love them, you choose NOT to push those buttons. Even in the most heated arguments.

 

 

blind_otter, what your Dad said to you was very wise and very true.

 

melnmojave,

 

You don't need someone who intentionally tells you stuff, that unless he is the crassest guy alive, he MUST know is hurtful. Has he got any flaws? (apart from his stinking attitude that is?) Only ignorant people with no developed social skills would talk to others in that way...try modelling a few nitpicking ideas right back at him, see how he likes it...then tell him that's how he made you feel.

 

Your fella should be 100% on your side, and then some. Give him the big E.

[mijas4]

My turn to help you, melnmojave!

 

I'd be interested to find out your ages as there's a maturity issue at stake.

 

Wedding plans should be shelved unless you're 100% happy with this guy. His comments smack on insecurity. It was almost a control mechanism ie "I could be with any woman I want so you'd better appreciate me" He's almost suggesting that you should work out or take more pride in yourself. Bet you look great anyway!

 

However you seem v comfortable with yourself so I'd say challenge him on those hurtful remarks.

 

I think the most telling remark you made was that he wasn't too bright. Well if you're more intelligent than him then he will resort to personal attacks to bring you down. My ex sounds like your current guy ie threatened by superior intellect. The whole saga sounds like my last relationship. She thought she was God's gift to men but she was a major airhead ( but she was stunning ) and that turns guys off, trust me!

 

So have a good hard think about why you would want to marry him esp if you can't resolve this matter.

 

Let me know how things progress. And good luck.....!

[melnmojave]

I am glad to hear that from a man - the superior intellect thing. I have a J.D. and he is a blue-collar guy. I know it makes him insecure. I am super-confident and carry myself that way (not b/c i think i am beautiful, but b/c i know who i am and that i am not without value) - I am sure that was part of his attraction to me even though I may not look like the kind of woman he usually dates (asians and hispanic). As far as my looks, I actually sat and listened to two couples in a restaraunt discuss my looks. The guys said I was good-looking and the girls said that I was not necessarily good looking but agreed that my looks were striking and that is what got their attention - I am unique looking which has been described by many men as "exotic" whatever that means........

 

I am now convinced my guy made his comments based on his insecurity (my confidence is threatening?), and because he does have a mean streak. Just bacause I am not his cup of tea doesn't mean I am not someone else's. Ultimately, I think he see's me as a secure future - not good enough for me as I do want to be appreciated by a man who thinks I am attractive (sex is better that way) as well as smart, financially competent, all that stuff. At any rate, everyone has pretty much confirmed what I already knew to be true..........Mel will be movin on - just got to wrap up some loose ends......

 

As for the age thing I am 40 but look 30 and act - oh I'd say about, hmmm, well that depends on the day and mood!!!

 

Thaks so much for your input - It is really helpful

[mymojo]

Guys do this kind of thing to lower your confidence, if they can get you thinking that you're nothing special why you'll treat them like gold, you'll probably tolerate all sorts of crap to boot.

 

The good news is that a lot of guys who do are generally not real adept socially and often make tactless remarks to others besides you, many of them s suffer from low self-esteem themselves and figure once you realise how great you are in comparision to themselves that you'll dump them so they take you down a peg or two to avoid losing you.They don't set out with a "plan" to do this,their attempts at it are usually very obvious which allows you to have a frank,serious discussion that either fixes things or ends them before you end up in emotional shreds.

 

The bad news? some guys who do this are very skillful,the erosion of your confidence happens slowly over time,they do/say things that make you feel insecure but because they're subtle,clever jabs the guy can tell you that you're paranoid,imagining things etc.This type of guy will beat you down emotionally then turn around and berate you for having "low self-esteem" when the healthy part of you reacts (appropriately) to his actions and comments.If you find yourself constantly turning to friends for advice and asking "am I crazy or is this lousy?" this is a big tip off that you're dealing with this type.Also looking over your shared lives will turn up more clues, are you in better position career wise? do you have more family/friends? do they like him? Are you the one who finances all or a major portion of your dating/living together expenses? Are you dealing with a sociopath?

[melnmojave]

Oh my......definetly a sociopath.....he has been an obstacle professionally, my family and friends have basically withdrawn from my life because they do not like him (this is okay with me b/c I think if they love me they will treat my friends/love interests with courtesy and the respect we all deserve just b/c we are human, which they haven't - shame on them). Man - this is so right-on. His ex warned me but I thought she was just being a stalker-nut (she even made a web-site about him). He didnt attack her physical appearance though....it was other things......hmmmm.....

 

This guy is poison and has been draining me in a very vampire kinda way!!!!

[SoleMate]

The guys said I was good-looking...the girls...agreed that my looks were striking...I am unique looking which has been described by many men as "exotic" .......

Mel, I know you're attractive and desirable and I am positive that there are many men out there who would love to be at your side.

 

...family and friends have basically withdrawn from my life because they do not like him...

If their behavior has been downright rude, then shame on them. But if they are just pulling back because they don't like to watch someone treat you the wrong way - I totally understand that. Family and friends are the people who care about you and want to see you treated well.

 

I have a close friend who is very enmeshed with a man who treats her poorly. All of her friends, without exception, ask her to get rid of him. She hasn't so far. It is definitely frustrating to see her acting this way. I haven't really "pulled back", but I am not sure I ever want to be around HIM again, even for her sake, knowing what he has done to her.

[mijas5]

Your relationship is a carbon copy of my last one but with the genders swapped!

Lesson is:- date someone with a 3 digit IQ , approx social standing etc.

 

My friends and family didn't take to my ex in anyway and that is always a huge barrier to successful dating. In fact the parents of the guy she's allegedly with now ( the on-off thing ) don't like her either. And I'll wager that he is being served exactly the same type of relationship that I had. And she'll realise I was the safer play but tried (unsuccessfully ) to tempt me back.

 

Anyway, please forgive me but I don't know what a J.D is! In case you haven't sussed I'm on the other side of the Atlantic, Scotland to be precise. We have degrees here B Sc or B.A etc ( well my ex didn't. She was a bimbo who couldn't spell her own name but had a great figure.....)

 

 

Take care

Mijas

[melnmojave]

I understand the feelings of my friends and family. The problem with their withdrawal is I am further isolated and more emotionally dependent on the bad-guy who is the only one around now. I have a sister who was in the same situation - i told her my opinion of her guy, dropped it, let her work it (the bad-guy) out of her system. I didn't say ditch the guy or I'll ditch you. What good is that? She is the one who has to put up with him. I knew she needed to muster the strength to get out.....that's where I am at........Actually, I have been ready for a while because of the harsh remarks about my body. I have just been trying to get over that or at least rationalize it. Only a jerk would say that........I feel as though I have given everything/one up for this guy. I guess I have been in the cycle of abuse for a while - while he says/does horrific things, he says/does equally wonderful uplifting things to make up for it until the next time.... he knows how to work me. It just seems so unbelievably evil and manipulating that it is hard to believe that could be going on.....

[melnmojave]

Mijas,

you are so right about the education, social standing thing, it really can create problems - the whole badboy thing turned me on (tatoos, big muscles, etc.) I have a Bachelor of Science and a Juris Doctorate which is a law degree. I know it works a bit different there (barristers). I try not to judge others based on educational acheivement as I came from an under-priveleged family with absolutely no social standing. Unfortunately, I have experienced huge problems within my own family because of my education and better financial standing. Kinda like the crab who crawled out of the bucket and there is much resentment on their part.

 

I love Scotland by the way, I plan on making a trip to Loch Ness in the next year or so.....every shade of green imaginable in scotland - you can keep the Hagus .........I am a descendant of the Earl of Marschal - must of been a black sheep descendant as my father, his fathers-father came to America!

 

thanks for your comments - good to hear from those who have had similar experiences. Good looks not enough for me....let him be god's gift to someone else!

Mel

[Guest]

Originally posted by melnmojave

Someone help me get this into perspective! My guy pointed out my every physical imperfection. I am not playboy material for sure but always thought I was pretty sexy - well, that is until he informed me I am not as special as I think I am. He's a pretty goodlookin guy and the women love him! Everywhere we go women disregard my presence and openly let him know they are available....At any rate, he has assured me that despite all this, physical appearance is not the most important thing to him.

 

My dilemma is that this has pricked my pride and makes me feel less than sexy now. Am I being immature and just need to get over the fact that he's not that physically attracted to me but likes me for my personality? I kinda feel like I would rather be with a guy who thinks I am as sexy as I think I am ( I happen to disagree with his conclusion to an extent, that is, my boobs and butt are just fine)....are my values screwed up? I notice my guy looks at other women who are obviously more attractive than me - i also notice other men look at me with lust in their eyes....i am so confused.

 

My rational side says he's got his values in the right spot by putting personality before beauty, but the woman in me (or just my ego) is really not liking this guy. I wonder too about someone who would point out physical flaws - or should I be mature enough to hear commentary on the truth?????

 

I am sure that most guys would agree with some of his conclusions about my body - that is there are obvious flaws. I think the difference would be that they would be less inclined to point them out. My guy is the first one to ever verbalize them - soooo, am I just being a baby? I would be trading a guy thats not afraid to tell me for one that thinks the same thing but would not tell me - somebody please point out the obvious that I am missing please. I am too emotionally involved to see it clearly I think......

 

WONDERFUL. Just wonderful. So, 3 years down the road when he's boinking someone he DOES find sexy he can tell you it's just sex he loves YOU and you'll buy it, because he's spent time now telling you what he doesn't like.

 

Find someone else.

[melnmojave]

are there men really who really manipulate like this??? You have a really good point - if i rationalize it now, i will rationalize his actions later - seems so sinister though........how can they know to do such a lengthy set-up to ensure total sexual freedom later? Does sound like a repeat from his earlier actions - said sex with his first wife was unsatisfactory so he started boiinking the foreign exchange student who lived in their home with his wife's blessing b/c she didnt want to have sex with him any longer. He also said she had medical issues that prevented her from engaging in frequent sex...I know folks, the more facts that come out, the more I sound like a nut for having stuck aroung so long......I gave him credit for telling me the story and his admitting it was wrong. I am just too nice.

[tattoomytoe]

melnmojave~ do not blame yourself, even if to say tou are too nice. That is not why things are this way, it is him.......if anything -you are just easily manipulated, maybe cause you and i both, are nice and some persons tend to take advantage of our good qualities.

 

break it off, move on.

[dizi]

I just spit out my coffee. Do yourself a favor, honey..GET OUT NOW!!! I feel dirty just reading that! You need counseling to get over whatever it is that is making you stay with this *$@#!*% idiot!! You are too nice!! Now get a backbone, please!! I don't mean to be mean, I just can't stand to know that a fellow woman is allowing this to happen to her! You deserve better!!!!!!!!! Sorry to yell. all in love...

[dizi]

Woah, Tatoo~

You're so sweet and nice! Here I am getting all worked up.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by melnmojave

are there men really who really manipulate like this??? You have a really good point - if i rationalize it now, i will rationalize his actions later - seems so sinister though........how can they know to do such a lengthy set-up to ensure total sexual freedom later? Does sound like a repeat from his earlier actions - said sex with his first wife was unsatisfactory so he started boiinking the foreign exchange student who lived in their home with his wife's blessing b/c she didnt want to have sex with him any longer. He also said she had medical issues that prevented her from engaging in frequent sex...I know folks, the more facts that come out, the more I sound like a nut for having stuck aroung so long......I gave him credit for telling me the story and his admitting it was wrong. I am just too nice.

 

I'm not sure its a conscious thing...my ex knows about manipulation very well, yet is an uneducated oaf. (High school drop out, ex-con, but he spent 15 months in solitary confinement reading, among other things, the writings of Machiavelli!!! Meanwhile I am in grad school and I work full time.) He learned it at the breast. His mother is obsessively codependent and extremely manipulative. I don't think he knows any other way to be, and in more candid moments he has actually admitted that he knows of no other way to be.

 

My family and friends withdrew from me while I was with this guy as well.

 

Sadly, embarassingly, I ended up pregnant by my degenerate, alcoholic ex. Oh, well. Get out while you can, before you end up with dire consequences, hon.

[melnmojave]

yep- he's a bad egg....whats really hard is that he talks such a good line of doo-doo. Additionally, I started dating this guy about 3 weeks before my son died (20 years old). My guy was right there through it all. drove 14 straight hours to get to me and my dying son in LA. He made sure I had food, went and bought me fresh clothes to wear (we didn't live in LA, just where my son was at the time) because I had been in the same clothes for 3 days. not even my family stayed there with me - they basically came to say goodby to my son and left and did that only because they happened to be in the area - that's another story. At any rate, I think I may have formed some kind of attachment disorder. not to make excuses, but yeah, counseling is in order for sure......

[FreeMe]

Ok, so he was nice to you during an absolute horrible time in your life. That's great. But that doesn't mean you should sacrifice the rest of your life and your self-worth to him. Don't tangle up feelings about your son and his death, and that time period, with someone's kind actions. Take it for what it was - you needed some support - he gave it to you. I'm sure by now you've more than made that up to him.

 

And I'm so sorry about your son. I'm sure I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been, but anyone who can go through losing a child, can certainly end and get over a damaging relationship. If counseling will help though, then go. Good luck.

[melnmojave]

hmmm...not that i think i owe him something for his kindness. He does have redeeming qualities. He was totally there emotionally and took about 6 months off from work. I think I bonded to him during this time - I think that may be why I put up with other stuff........oh well, whatever. He poisoned a whole other part of the relationship. Dont want one without the other......

[tattoomytoe]

most people do have a few redeeming qualities...but it does not mean that they are not trash.

 

Look at Bush!

[SoleMate]

...I started dating this guy about 3 weeks before my son died (20 years old). My guy was right there through it all. drove 14 straight hours to get to me and my dying son in LA. He made sure I had food, went and bought me fresh clothes to wear...

He did a very caring thing for you at a time when everybody else was abandoning you. I am horrified that your family was not there for you at such a difficult time. So it is a lot easier to see what binds (or has bound) you to him. You can appreciate what he did for you, without paying for it for the rest of your life. You can just say "Thanks, I'll never forget what you did for me."

[head/heels]

he is a worm and you are for sure not going to be happy knowing he doesnt think your sexy....leave that ahole behind!