He says I am not sexy but loves me and wants to marry me anyway.....

[melnmojave]

Someone help me get this into perspective! My guy pointed out my every physical imperfection. I am not playboy material for sure but always thought I was pretty sexy - well, that is until he informed me I am not as special as I think I am. He's a pretty goodlookin guy and the women love him! Everywhere we go women disregard my presence and openly let him know they are available....At any rate, he has assured me that despite all this, physical appearance is not the most important thing to him.

 

My dilemma is that this has pricked my pride and makes me feel less than sexy now. Am I being immature and just need to get over the fact that he's not that physically attracted to me but likes me for my personality? I kinda feel like I would rather be with a guy who thinks I am as sexy as I think I am ( I happen to disagree with his conclusion to an extent, that is, my boobs and butt are just fine)....are my values screwed up? I notice my guy looks at other women who are obviously more attractive than me - i also notice other men look at me with lust in their eyes....i am so confused.

 

My rational side says he's got his values in the right spot by putting personality before beauty, but the woman in me (or just my ego) is really not liking this guy. I wonder too about someone who would point out physical flaws - or should I be mature enough to hear commentary on the truth?????

 

I am sure that most guys would agree with some of his conclusions about my body - that is there are obvious flaws. I think the difference would be that they would be less inclined to point them out. My guy is the first one to ever verbalize them - soooo, am I just being a baby? I would be trading a guy thats not afraid to tell me for one that thinks the same thing but would not tell me - somebody please point out the obvious that I am missing please. I am too emotionally involved to see it clearly I think......

[dizi]

My dilemma is that this has pricked my pride and makes me feel less than sexy now. Am I being immature and just need to get over the fact that he's not that physically attracted to me but likes me for my personality? I kinda feel like I would rather be with a guy who thinks I am as sexy as I think I am ( I happen to disagree with his conclusion to an extent, that is, my boobs and butt are just fine)....are my values screwed up?

 

Your SO is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. Are you being immature-NO. Your values are not screwed up, either. You should be with someone who loves you for all that you are. Some guys will say those nice things about women so that thier self esteem gets shot down, and horibbly, some women end up being completely dependant on these jerks. Don't let this happen to you. I think you can find a guy who thinks you're as sexy as you think you are. How long have you been with Romeo, anyway?

[FreeMe]

If he's not concerned about looks then why is he picking you apart, pointing out each of your flaws? He just demeaned you by saying that even though you don't look as good as you think you do, he likes you ANYWAY. He condescends to be with you even though you're not that hot? His values in the right place?? I don't think so.

 

Your OWN opinions about yourself are much more important than his. Sexy isn't just about looks. It's an attitude, a confidence, the way you carry yourself, and if you feel sexy then you will be sexy to some people.

 

How dare he undermine your self-confidence that way!!? YOu don't do that to someone you love or care for. Don't let him do it. Don't be another woman who lets a guy destroy her confidence.

[melnmojave]

I have been with this guy for two years. I guess I am thinking that the reality is that Yeah, my body is not perfect and I don't want to be self-delusional. I want to feel like I am strong enough to take the truth. Which I am. I know that the standards for what a woman is supposed to look like has been completely screwed up by media in all forms which doesn't help us "real women" and what men expect of us but I am also dealing with the fact that my guys sexual experiences have included very beautiful and sexy women as he was in the hollywood model mix for a time..

 

I feel like if I walk away from this, it is because I am being immature and overly egotistical and also that I need to find a guy with lower standards - hmmmm, the whole physical imperfection thing came out in a less than friendly conversation. If it is not a form of control, domination, abuse, etc........what is it? There isn't , in my mind at least, a healthy or constructive category for this whole issue to be in......or a totally destructive one either unless it is infact abuse.......I am so not knowing........

 

Just for the record, he is not the most emotionally mature man I have met nor does he possess the most constructive communication skills. But all is not lost, he does have some good qualities and we sure do have alot of fun together. For one, he is not a party guy. Likes to be home with me, go everywhere with me, all that stuff - the only downside is the above issue pretty much. Well, at least it's the only one that I am having trouble resolving..

[tattoomytoe]

ask him why he felt the need to tell you these things? Did he think he would lift a great weight off you shoulders, by "reassuring" you?

Retort back- that You may Still marry him too, even though he has Dandruff....or what ever.

[melnmojave]

yep, I guess there are some things that just wont wash....I personally would never point out flaws, when I am in love I just dont see them. Thanks for the input and the redirect. I guess I was hoping that someone would tell me that this situation was not unusual and that I am just being too emotional. That truth is - I need a new dude. I am alittle shy now. Since my flaws have been brought to my attention, I am not really looking forward to being naked with a new guy....hmmmm, i guess it worked.

[niko1999]

the whole physical imperfection thing came out in a less than friendly conversation.

.

 

Ok, has he said this to you at other times? Im assuiming you guys were having a fight at the time, and not a very freindly one at that. If this was a one time thing, during a very heated argument, I would probably let it go. But if this is something that he seems to do all the time, or always resorts to it during an argument, then I would take a closer look at things, becuase the issues at hand may be a lot deeper than you think.

 

I remember one time, the only time we have been in a yelling fight(it started off with him telling me he wanted me toleave, and when he didnt get a rise out of me, continued it), and we said some pretty hurtful, condesending things to eachother. But it was that one time only, and it was done to be spiteful and hurt eachother, becuase we were angry.

 

On the other hand, he has been more than supportive, and has proven he really didnt mean what he said. At the moment, yes, Im sure he did. But he regretted it later.

 

So I guess, after all this babbling, what I am getting at, is, yes, you DO have the right to be upset, you are not being immature, especially if he continues to do this to you, like I said earlier. You shouldnt let a one time incident TOTALLY ruin you, maybe for a short while, which is understandable. But if it seems he is constantly belittling you, then I think you need to look at things differently.

[tattoomytoe]

i used to be very over weight...like 7 years ago.....and since then have lost all that weight due to my battles with my demons (eating disorder).

 

Now i have the eating thing better under control, but i think i could stand to lose like 15-20 lbs. Other people tell me i look sooo good, the best i have in years.

 

My bf knows the past, yet he will tell me on occasion that i am looking chunky.

 

He knows i hate this. But he really does not mean harm by it.

 

Sometimes guys just do not understand the "weight" if the weight and look issues. and even after you tell them they still forget.

 

in what context didi he mention these things to you?

[fredrolin]

my wife isn't that sexy in my eyes but I don't care.

 

She is a good mother, she earns alot of money, is very intelligent, I can trust her, and she is my best friend.

 

In my past I have dumped homely women that were good to me for pretty, sexy women that turned me on. Alot of these sexy ladies were idiots, had problems, or we weren't compatible.

 

---

BEFORE YOU JUMP ON ME, YES THERE ARE TONS OF TOTALLY SEXY BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT GREAT LADIES OUT THERE.

 

---

 

My point...looks aren't everything.

 

Isn't there some sort of joke like that about a guy marrying an ugly girl on purpose so other men don't chase her?

[FreeMe]

To point out a flaw is not a horrible thing, even if it's tactless. Or if my boyfriend told me I really needed to start working out to get rid of body fat or something, I wouldn't be offended.

 

But what melnmojave's boyfriend did was a direct assault on her self-confidence. "You're not as sexy/good looking/attractive as YOU THINK YOU ARE" is a direct, malicious assault, designed to hurt her self-confidence. It's not the same as saying "of course you have flaws - everyone does - but I love you with or without them."

 

There's a big difference in that, don't you think?

[dizi]

Tatoomytoe, that is sad that even after all you've been through your boyfriend will tell you you're chunky. If you're going to get criticism from a SO, it should be constructive, not destructive, don't you think? I'm pregnant and feeling very much uncomfortable in my skin ( I should be used to it by now), and I sometimes complain about how things don't fit, etc. My honey KNOWS that it would be a GRAVE no-no to tell me anything negative about my body at this time. With hormones flying, it might not be pretty (not that he really understands hormones-sometimes I'm accused of using it as an excuse...please. I WISH I had a choice!!) If your honey knows you hate it when he says those things, how can he do it, yet mean no harm in it? Soft teasing? I guess I just don't agree with it. It's hurtful in your case...

 

Mel, I agree with you-when it comes to my honey, I really don't see his outer flaws. I think he's damn sexy! But remember, that this guy you are seeing now is NOT like most guys. You probably do need to find a new guy, one that respects you. I know you've had fun, he's good looking and has "some" good qualities, but the bottom line is, you need to be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. Just keep being your sexy self and don't believe what he said, K?? I mean it!!

[tattoomytoe]

Isn't there some sort of joke like that about a guy marrying an ugly girl on purpose so other men don't chase her?

 

it's a song.." if you wanne be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife....take my personal point of view, pick an ugly girl to marry you"

[savethedrama4allama]

The sad thing is, I bet you are gorgeous.

 

He may feel insecure/threatened by you. He may cut you down because he's afraid you will think you can do better than him. After all, if your "flaws" really don't matter to him, what is the purpose of pointing them out?

[tattoomytoe]

Dizi- first congrats on the babe!

 

I hear you loud and clear on the non-support. BUt, i have learned a lot about myself and my triggers and all sorts of other things about myself while being treated and hospitalized with my ED. One thing that surprises me though is the number of people who just do not understand what eating disorders are or why people have them. A lot of folf i knew, even some family at first, were like just eat...what is the big deal? my dad would threaten to tie me down and force feed me. Bottom line.... so many people just do not understand it at all...and i forgive it when i know it is not maliciaously intended.

[melnmojave]

okay guys, the whole song/joke thing isn't making me feel any better . Pointing out my flaws was out of anger; but if he is like me, I will tell the honest-to gods truth when I am really mad and wont care about impact at the moment - I have never attacked a physical flaw but have spoke my mind in such an un-censored manner on a few occasions. I know this is how he really feels and while it is excusable to a degree that it was spur of the moment and out of anger doesnt make it any better. His truth is out there and I am now forced to know that he doesn't find me that sexy. I know he is attracted to my personality, smarts, etc.....but I want some passionate body worship and steamy sex. It isn't so steamy because he isn't that into me. He (the beautiful, sexy one) requires the body worship and I am the one getting him hot with the foreplay - this hurts me and is wearing me out.

 

I was just hoping that the truth wasn't what I suspected it to be....I guess I just want to be sexy and desirable when in fact I am the smart girl (well mostly, where men are not concerned)...........

 

so a guy who settles for less than sexy is compromising right?

[tattoomytoe]

You should be the one to not settle for this guy!

 

you want someone who worships you -all aspects of you...and this guy does not You said so yourself.

 

So move on. And trust me many many men are out there, and everyone has there own personal definition of sexy.

[dizi]

Tatoomytoe~

 

Thanks! Just found out it's a girl Then the next day the Red Sox won the world series. WOO WOO!!

 

I know that a lot of people don't understand. Those people should keep their mouths shut or get informed before even mentioning it to you! It's like bipolar disorder: Some people think, "Yeah, right! You don't have a problem! " "Come on get happy!-No, wait, you're too happy..." "It's a crutch". A friend of mine has it and hears this stuff occasionally and it is very hurtful. Don't really have the right to criticize something you're uneducated about. I can understand the comments that your family made when they didn't understand quite -it's not like they were telling you you were fat, but this is your honey we're talking about...he knows now. But, I guess you know him well enough to know he means no harm, right?

 

 

Savethedraa4yrmama has a great point:

After all, if your "flaws" really don't matter to him, what is the purpose of pointing them out?

Do you want to marry this guy?

[melnmojave]

Originally posted by fredrolin

"my wife isn't that sexy in my eyes but I don't care."

 

---

 

My point...looks aren't everything.

 

My question to you is: does your wife know you feel this way and does it effect your relationship? how does she reconcile her needs as a woman (i think most women like to feel attractive to their mate) with her more logical and unemotional self that knows looks arent everything.

[melnmojave]

lucky for me, you have all made realllly valid points. I am glad to hear that others have experienced similar occurrences, not that misery loves company but it helps me see that this is normal/acceptable - at least if not malicious and done constructively or maybe I mean I am glad to hear couples have survived it. I want to marry this guy - he is it as far as i am concerned. my only hang-up is this issue (and I wont marry him until i resolve it within my own heart). it really does attack my self-esteem and sexuality. I am way more inhibited than if I had never his comments before...... If I could just let it go, we may have a chance but I am pretty injured. It also makes me sensitive when I see him admiring attractive women.

 

llama did have an excellent point........

 

and by the way, the worst comments have arisen out of anger, while others are just in conversation - him reassuring me that my flaws are okay.....I never thought about it but that is really screwed up!

I sometimes think he avoids women who he is attracted to because they have too much control over him......I dont know about him........

[melnmojave]

I have talked to my guy about this so many times - it always results in fights. he says i am way too sensitive -

[SoleMate]

...I always thought I was pretty sexy - well, that is until he informed me I am not as special as I think I am...

This is a horrible thing to say. Also, keep in mind that your sexiness or lack thereof is a personal OPINION of his - it's not some objective "truth" that he can just inform you of. A loving man would decide that the whole you is attractive and desirable just because he loves you. Love may not blind him, but it should at least blur some edges so that you, in his eyes, truly ARE sexy and desirable. Being sexy means he desires you and feels desire when he sees you or talks to you. If he does not feel this way for you, then DON'T get married. Please. Anything would be better than that.

 

By the way, my advice would be exactly the same whether you're Cameron Diaz or Phyllis Diller.

 

FreeMe said it very well:

...what melnmojave's boyfriend did was a direct assault on her self-confidence...It's not the same as saying "of course you have flaws - everyone does - but I love you with or without them."

 

I am sure that most guys would agree with some of his conclusions about my body - that is there are obvious flaws. I think the difference would be that they would be less inclined to point them out.

<sarcasm ON> What, you're not an airbrushed supermodel??? And you still dare to walk the streets, and dare to dream that someone could really love you and want you without a nasty disclaimer? <sarcasm OFF> You're right - most men instinctively know that telling their gf/SO/W she has a big butt and a bad complexion is not a good idea. ALL people have physical flaws. EVERY SINGLE ONE. And your bf has some big flaws in other departments, as well. Don't tell him I said so, though.

[kiwi29f]

My ex used to belittle me like that calling me a fat a** & things like that, it got my self esteem down so low. I had a great body at the time(not perfect by a long shot) But he was the ONLY one telling me this, All his friends thought he was so stupid for telling me this. I FINALLY got out of that relationship after two years. We had a fight one night & he left & told like 5 of his guy friends to come over & try to "hit" it. if you know what I mean. They told me this & I was out of there.(His friends had alot of respect for me) I got with my now husband & got pregnant & gained 70lbs during my pregnancy. My husband ALWAYS told me how beautiful & sexy I was/am. I kept all that weight & he has NEVER told me that I was fat & always told me that I am sexy. I am just now starting to lose some weight 2 years later(30 lbs so far yippee) My point is don't be with someone who is going to put you down there are good men out there, Take care of yourself, you desearve it to be loved sexually, emotionally, in everyway. Good Luck I hope everything works out for you.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by melnmojave

My question to you is: does your wife know you feel this way and does it effect your relationship? how does she reconcile her needs as a woman (i think most women like to feel attractive to their mate) with her more logical and unemotional self that knows looks arent everything.

 

 

My wife is 100 pounds overweight and rarely wears makeup or does her hair.

 

She is an intelligent person. She realizes she isn't a sexy hot babe. It has never bothered her.

 

She knows how I feel; we have talked about this in the past.

 

But we are at a point in life where other things are more important like paying the bills, saving for the kids college, taking nice vacations, saving for retirement.

 

I would never trade this secure hohum life to be with some hot sexy chick or to play the field. That life is shallow and lonely.

[melnmojave]

hmmmm....sounds very rational......my beef is that i have never had a guy tell me these things AND I know I am attractive sexually to men. lotsa guys come on to me (not saying much considering guys are not always super picky)... maybe I just want my guy to be one of the guys that finds me attractive.....and since he is not enamored it pisses me off - i guess i have to decide what i can live with...thanks for your insight.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by melnmojave

My dilemma is that this has pricked my pride and makes me feel less than sexy now. Am I being immature and just need to get over the fact that he's not that physically attracted to me but likes me for my personality? I kinda feel like I would rather be with a guy who thinks I am as sexy as I think I am ( I happen to disagree with his conclusion to an extent, that is, my boobs and butt are just fine)....are my values screwed up? I notice my guy looks at other women who are obviously more attractive than me - i also notice other men look at me with lust in their eyes....i am so confused.

 

My rational side says he's got his values in the right spot by putting personality before beauty, but the woman in me (or just my ego) is really not liking this guy. I wonder too about someone who would point out physical flaws - or should I be mature enough to hear commentary on the truth?????

 

I'm sorry this is unacceptible. Jeez. You don't need to learn how to handle being criticized like that.

 

My Dad once told me that when you really love someone, you know exaclty what to say to wound them in the deepest way, BUT, because you love them, you choose NOT to push those buttons. Even in the most heated arguments.