Having things in common

[BlackSinatra]

“I just want someone that I have a lot in common with,” says over half the population. I used to think this was female thinking, but I was in for a surprise that quite a few of my guys also say the same. Maybe guys want a girl to support their lifestyles for their advancement. Maybe women want a guy to come into their world and cherish a life of togetherness and growth of your hobbies.

 

Yeah, that’s nice Hun, but what do you REALLY want? If you knit sweaters for a hobby, do you REALLY want someone to come and do the same thing you already do? Okay, well… maybe knitting was a bad example, but think of the different realms that you can evolve not only your relationship, but also YOU as a person. That’s the beauty of interacting with other humans, no? The influence those people have on you just through their behavior; Their Personality. Your significant other should be teaching you something about life, love, and yourself. What they shouldn’t be is your means to ward off loneliness while avoiding putting up with their personal interests by making sure they align with yours. How selfish of you!

 

Everything in the world grows with duality. Night and Day, Workout and Rest, Yin and Yang, Man and Woman. How much can you possibly learn about yourself if you only interact with people who are the same as you? How do you EVOLVE? How can you CHANGE?

 

Alas, I have had a few bad relationships, but in them I have found improvements in myself. An overweight girlfriend taught me to get in the gym, a girlfriend who slept around taught me to have standards, and a submissive girl taught me how to be dominant. All these components have built me an aesthetic body, kept me away from dirty women, and formed a masculine etiquette within me. All which the women I converse with have perceived.

 

Friends, don’t look for security in an insecure world.

 

Step OUT! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Every single person you come into contact with is a mirror image of how you perceive yourself. Go ahead and get a closer look. Closer… CLOSER!! See for yourself what you want to be, or in my case, what you DON’T want to be.

 

You only got this one life, would be a shame to miss out on what you could evolve into.

 

 

Peace.

[Star Gazer]

Hello, brand new poster.

 

I want someone I have things in common with, primarily a love of outdoors and being fit/healthy. I find this most often with other runners and skiers/snowboarders. It hasn't been terribly difficult to find guys who fit that mould.

[sdraw108]

Not having things in common doesn't matter much during the initial honeymoon phase where infatuation plays a much stronger role, but later down the road, things will be more likely to break down if you're fundamentally into different lifestyles.

 

Also, having things in common doesn't mean that you both make a list of hobbies and if many of them are the same you're a match. It's more about having the same outlook on life. One person might like tennis and the other likes swimming, but there's a decent chance they'll be able to enjoy other other's hobbies because they're on the same wavelength (both enjoy physical activity). Whereas if one person likes staying at home watching movies, and the other wants to be out partying every night, there's probably going to be a personality clash.

[KathyM]

Shared mindset is important in making a relationship work. As other posters have pointed out, someone who likes to go places and do some things, isn't going to be content with someone who is a homebody and wants to have a lot of computer time vs. going out to do things. That doesn't mean that you have to have every activity in common. Some things you'll want to do on your own, some with your buddies, but having some shared interests is good for a relationship. As well as a willingness to share interests that you don't currently have but that are important to your dating partner.

 

Shared values is hugely important. For example, you are not going to be able to make it work if your partner puts his job as his #1 value and is a workaholic, whereas spending time together is important to you. Or if you are very monogamous minded, and your dating partner is into threesomes, for example--not going to work.

 

As far as experimenting, like I said, being willing to try new activities is a good thing, as long as it doesn't go against your natural mindset or your values. For example, someone who's a computer nerd may try going out dancing with his partner, but if that goes against his natural mindset, the relationship really isn't going to work with someone who likes to go out dancing every weekend. Or if someone who values monogamy tries a threesome, that rejecting of values is going to lead to guilt, remorse and other emotions that are going to negatively affect the person.

 

As far as trying something to see if you like it, if it goes against your mindset or your values, then there is no point. A person doesn't need to experiment with casual sex to know that they are more relationship minded and not interested in casual sex. A person that is into sports and going places doesn't need to force himself to stay home and hang around the house to know that he is not interested in a sedentary lifestyle.

 

Just to give an example of someone who tried to change his natural mindset to fit someone else, my sister's second husband was very much a homebody. He liked to hang around the house and spend his free time on the computer. When he did go out, he wanted to just hang out with extended family or friends. She was interested in being active, doing athletic things, traveling, and going to events and activities that took them out of the house a lot. At first, he tried to match up with her mindset, but after awhile, he reverted back to his homebody self, and it caused a lot of friction/unhappiness in their marriage.

 

It doesn't work to try to change someone into something that they are not. It makes no sense to do something that is against your values, because you will later have regrets. Being honest with yourself, and what type of person you are, and realizing that mindset and values need to match up with a dating partner in order to make a relationship work will save you a lot of time and trouble with someone who is not a match.

[soccerrprp]

Having similar core values is a must. Having some hobbies, interests that are shared is a must. But, goodness gracious, I personally don't want to be involved with someone who is just like me that the relationship doesn't allow me to grow outside by own skin.

 

I'm now into meditating, yoga thanks to my current gf and it's been good for me. It helps that my gf is HOT HOT HOT!

 

BTW, OP, I crochet, so your example is not too far off or unreasonable....

[smile1983]

I agree with the majority here. Having things in common is important. It is not necessarily hobbies that you want in common but values. You want someone to connect with as well as someone who helps you to grow as a person. Would you rather have awkward silences 90% of the time because you two have absolutely nothing to talk about? Yes people can grow and change. I learned that from my ex and that is why I do not regret my 10 years with him. I would not be the person I am today without that time. However, there has to be some common ground for a relationship to work.

[BlackSinatra]

I'm noticing a common thought process:

 

"My lifestyle should not change."

 

The point of my post was to bring up the idea that maybe it would be the right thing to do to change your lifestyle or habits by example of someone else via dating. Not to satisfy someone else, but by result of self-analysis. People are dynamic, we are not ants trained to do one thing only. Like those "Most interesting man in the world" commercials.

 

Let us use the example of being a computer nerd and dancing. Most will say: "the nerd should get off his computer and experience other things like dancing!" Now the final say should be from the nerd. If he TRULY does not enjoy dancing and would rather be cramped into his dark room, so be it, who has the God given right to tell him he shouldn't? On the flip side, he could enjoy dancing and then get more time outside and start enjoying other people's presence. He then puts away the computer and associates with the outdoors. He made a lifestyle change because he was exposed to new things. In both examples he TRIED a new lifestyle, then made a decision to change or not to change. But take note, this "experimental" dating phase is not forever, it is to explore what you are REALLY looking for in your life, your partner, and yourself. Once you know, then you may take things to the next level.

 

Stop thinking that people changing your life is a NEGATIVE thing. It can be very positive indeed. As for the story where their sister's marriage ended because the two were that different... I just can't fathom getting married without linking lifestyles beforehand. Change should not be forced. I think that the lifestyle issue should have been handled before the marriage happened.

 

By the way, I want to give marriage advice, but I am not experienced with it. I am not giving concrete marriage advice. That is why I am staying in the dating forum. I will only post advice about things I have experienced myself.

[sdraw108]

You're talking about lifestyle change as a means to self improvement, not as a means to achieving compatibility with a partner.

 

Sure, you dated an overweight girl, and it made you change your lifestyle to a healthy one, but how does that make you any more or less compatible with the overweight girl? And the girl who slept around a lot who taught you to have standards? Again, doesn't sound like you were compatible.

 

In fact, two out of your three examples of "bad relationships" contradict your premise that you should actively seek out people whose lifestyle clashes with yours. The fact that you called the third a "bad relationship" probably suggests the same, although it is more arguable there as it sounds like the lifestyle change you made did make you more compatible with her.

 

Perhaps your premise should instead be, "Dating someone with whom you have a lifestyle clash can help you improve yourself as a person and gain relationship experience, but probably isn't the best idea if you want the relationship to last."

[KathyM]

I'm noticing a common thought process:

 

"My lifestyle should not change."

 

The point of my post was to bring up the idea that maybe it would be the right thing to do to change your lifestyle or habits by example of someone else via dating. Not to satisfy someone else, but by result of self-analysis. People are dynamic, we are not ants trained to do one thing only. Like those "Most interesting man in the world" commercials.

 

Let us use the example of being a computer nerd and dancing. Most will say: "the nerd should get off his computer and experience other things like dancing!" Now the final say should be from the nerd. If he TRULY does not enjoy dancing and would rather be cramped into his dark room, so be it, who has the God given right to tell him he shouldn't?

No one is telling him he should do something else. I'm saying that he is probably not going to be a good match for someone who has a more active lifestyle.

On the flip side, he could enjoy dancing and then get more time outside and start enjoying other people's presence. He then puts away the computer and associates with the outdoors. He made a lifestyle change because he was exposed to new things. In both examples he TRIED a new lifestyle, then made a decision to change or not to change. But take note, this "experimental" dating phase is not forever, it is to explore what you are REALLY looking for in your life, your partner, and yourself. Once you know, then you may take things to the next level.

It's not a good idea to try to change someone, and enter into a relationship with someone who is incompatible, thinking you are going to change this person into someone who he is not. Doesn't usually turn out well. I'm not talking about introducing a new hobby to someone, I'm talking about a major difference in lifestyle or core values, that doesn't make for a good or compatible relationship.

Stop thinking that people changing your life is a NEGATIVE thing. It can be very positive indeed. As for the story where their sister's marriage ended because the two were that different... I just can't fathom getting married without linking lifestyles beforehand. Change should not be forced. I think that the lifestyle issue should have been handled before the marriage happened.

Yes, it should have been handled before the marriage. Heaven knows, I tried to get my sister to realize beforehand that this guy is not going to change who he is. He tried to change in order to win her over, but it didn't last, and he reverted back to his natural state--being a homebody who doesn't like to do much.

By the way, I want to give marriage advice, but I am not experienced with it. I am not giving concrete marriage advice. That is why I am staying in the dating forum. I will only post advice about things I have experienced myself.

I think it's good to be open to trying new things, but if there is incompatibility in core values, and general mindset/lifestyle, a relationship is not likely to work out for the long term. People need compatibility in order to make a relationship work.

[BlackSinatra]

You're talking about lifestyle change as a means to self improvement, not as a means to achieving compatibility with a partner.

Ah! This is the closest match to my first post. Improvement is a much better word than the one I was using. But I will simply quote a sentence from my reply.

But take note, this "experimental" dating phase is not forever, it is to explore what you are REALLY looking for in your life, your partner, and yourself. Once you know, then you may take things to the next level.

Even though my examples were improvements to myself, they can also work to find what you want in your partner. You don't do this forever, you do this until you know what you want. People's mindsets and behaviors are not black and white, they are every color, hue, and saturation the human eye can see.

 

If you asked: "I want someone who is not overly talkative." I would reply, "How many words a day are they allowed to speak?" You see how that question is harder to answer? We've seen such extreme examples here. What about a computer nerd and a bookworm?

 

As shallow as it seems, if I want my significant other to be in shape, then that will change who I choose to date. But that's not to say they are one or the other. I don't mind my woman putting on a few, but if it gets too much, I will have a problem with it. I know this. If you have never dated someone who was out of shape, you may tell yourself that you wouldn't mind... but you would never have known if you've never tried. We could sit here and write a comprehensive list on everything we want in our significant other, but no one will ever meet that criteria. But, if we went into relationships with no standards, we would be in world of headache. What traits of them weigh more than others?

 

I'm sure people will reply saying that they know what they want already and their partner should match up, but I sure as hell didn't while I was telling myself I did. But, one thing is for sure: My ideal now is much closer to what I want than what it was before. I am helping the person who thinks they have it all figured out already without truly knowing.

 

It's funny because we are all agreeing with each other that you and your partner should have alike mindsets. My take is that you should get the experience to know what those mindsets are.