broknheart13 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It's been almost 3 weeks and the pain feels like its getting worse instead of better. To give you a little background on what my breakup ordeal is I'll start with a short summary of my relationship with my now ex-bf/ex-fiance. We met while I was in high school. We both were seeing people at the time and had went on a few double dates as couples. He broke up with his girlfriend and somehow a few weeks later we began talking and I broke up with my boyfriend at the time to be with him because we had so much in common and I felt like this could be the real thing. We had a great time with each other always motivating each other to do and try new things and we just loved spending time together. We spent hours on the phone even entire nights, literally 9-12 hours on the phone talking no stop. We just had so much to share and learn from each other. After high school we both went to college together and soon college work started to make us feel overwhelmed and that when things started to get bad. We were still seeing each other and still enjoying each others company but it seemed as though something was missing like there wasn't enough affection and we didn't talk as much as before because he was always needing to study. About 5 years into our relationship, I began to really feel neglected by him and met someone, who at first was just a business relation, who began to treat me with the affection I was missing from my current relationship and at first it was just flirting but then he got serious and started talking about marriage, professional goals and careers and all of these things that really got my attention, things that I've always wanted. I made the stupid mistake of pursuing this new relationship without breaking it off or even trying to figure out why my current BF was treating me this way and to sum it up I cheated -- after resisting it for the longest time -- and right after doing this, I told my current BF I made a mistake by cheating on him but I think we should end things. After 2 days of tears and heartache on both ends, I felt so bad for the way it all happened and knew I should have done it differently, he admitted that 8 months prior he cheated on me and NEVER told me! I was so upset I instantly found hate in my heart for him. I know I did the same mistake but I couldn't live with holding that secret for even a day let alone almost a year! FLASHBACK: I suspected he was having contact with someone when this happened and found text messages to prove it and when I confronted him about it he denied anything was going on. After a few weeks he stopped contacting this person -- he didn't tell me this himself but I checked numerous sources to verify that he had stopped speaking with this person. BACK TO MY BREAKUP STORY: So after admitting that to me, only because I gave him reason too, we spent 5 months of him apologizing, backlashing as me, apologizing some more, all while I insisted I needed time away from him to figure out why I did what I did, the way I did it and to heal because even though I met someone else I was devastated that he cheated on me and kept it a secret from me, introducing me to the possibility of getting diseases because he didn't tell me and made the decision to continue being with me and keeping that a secret. After 5 months, I decided to forgive him (stupid idea in hindsight). We agreed it would take time to earn each others trust back and the first 1-2 years were the hardest. We would be fine for a few months and then he would attack me with what I did and ask me crazy things like wanting exact details of what happened, how we did it, where we did it and he just wouldn't stop, of course when he would bring it up I would backlash at him about his screw up as well and how I didn't wait or even try to be intimate with him after I did what I did. Over time though we both forgot about it and began to fall back in love with each other. We started planning our goals and lives and became business partners in different ventures. Everything felt great after we got past what had happened. We both are very business oriented and began working a lot with each other on different business projects. But, about a year ago things started to slide again. He started getting too caught up in work and so did I. I launched my own business which required a lot of my time and he was working on his own business which required a lot of his time. Communication began to go down and topics between us related to our businesses (fails and triumphs) seemed to be the only thing we were talking about between each other. We hardly did anything like date nights and we both became consumed with work. After about year 7, even though we weren't engaged officially, we began calling each other fiance instead of BF/GF just because we knew we would get married and have our live together no matter what. And because we are so success driven we figured we would work as hard as we could even if we had to sacrifice us time to do it. As a side note: He was supposedly holding off on proposing, because he wanted us to be in a good place financially since he had a lot of debt from college. However, when we were in college and I brought up getting married his excuse then was "I need to finish college first." So I didn't think anything of it for a while. That is until about 3 weeks ago. We were both sitting on our computers, doing work, and I don't know what came over me when he said something (can't remember for the life of me what it was!) but I flipped on him and said I wish I was dating someone that actually took me out once in a while. And that's where it all started. The next thing I blurted out was what is the point of us being together if he hasn't shown any initiative in proposing and actually making it official. I didn't even want a big wedding all I wanted was to get married and know for sure we were in it for REAL. I told him if he has no intention of marrying me or at least proposing so I know where this is going and know that it's worth it to just sit around then we may as well break-up now so we can move on (He bought an engagement ring 2 years ago that's been sitting in the closet in stead of on my finger). Well he came back at me with an answer I wasn't expecting, "I can't get past not liking your parents and recently the cheating thing came back to mind." We spent the entire night talking about that and that he doesn't think he can look past it so we should break-up. I was really shocked by this response because he's been leading me on for the past 5 years thinking we were going to have this life together and making me move to another state with him where I have no friends or family. After a day or so his reasons went from not liking my parents/cheating to I'm a different person, I don't know what I want any more, I don't feel the same way any more, it's not you it's me blah blah blah. The worst part about this situation is that I've been stuck having to live with him during this "not together" phase for the past 2 weeks because I had to make other arrangements to leave the state and don't have the funds to spend on a hotel or go anywhere else. So I've been trying to rectify it by talking to him more but he's made it clear that although he knows we could probably fix it and make it better, he doesn't want to right now. He went away a week ago after we broke up and started to act weird about the situation when he came back, like making up excuses as to why he needs to delete our pictures on Facebook etc. And I found out that he met someone while he was away after we've only been broken up for a week! He's not dating this person but I spied over his shoulder and saw him texting her he's added her on FB also. What hurts me the most is he strung me along for so long making me think we were in it together and yet as soon as I bring up something he calls it quits. Hardly even shows any emotion on the topic and easily met someone else without thinking anything of it. All while I'm sitting here inconsolable because I turned my hate for him into love again -- like I literally started looking for only the good things in him and started building up my emotions and love off of those things making it even stronger than before. I don't know if that makes sense but I'm sure someone knows what I'm talking about here. I'm sorry this is so long but I just needed to let it all out and in looking back I should have never gotten back with him because I easily dealt with it just by hating him because of what he did and I hadn't invested so much time and emotion into it. I don't know if I'm in pain because I don't want to see him with anyone else, or if I just don't want to be alone, or I feel like my life plans with him are over or I don't like this feeling of not being able to fix it and feeling rejected or I feel like I'm losing my best friend and significant other. He keeps saying I just want to be friends for now and maybe we can get back together but I don't want to get your hopes up but this may not be the end of us, yadaya. But really I just feel like, because we've been together so long and haven't been with a lot of other people, that he wants to test the waters and see if i'm the one he wants to be with. I know that if this is the case I'm DONE, but he keeps playing with my emotions and I can't get away from him until 3 days from now. A few days after we broke up we had a breakdown moment of intimacy and I really thought we brought the spark back because it was a very different experience, we looked into each others eyes so intently that I really thought maybe we found that spark that he said he was missing. But then after that, he changed his mind from it's over to maybe lets just take time away and not see anyone else. And of course after he went away met this other person, it's back to what if we meet other people and we realize we're the ones for each other. I'm just so whiplashed from this roller coaster I can't take it anymore. I can't eat, keep getting nauseous, cant sleep very well, having hot and cold sweats during the night, i'm fine one minute and crying the next. Honestly, when I brought up the "we might as well break-up" statement I thought I had lost my feelings for him too. But now with what's happening with me and my emotions I don't know what to think and do. And I'm soo sorry this is such a long post but I really needed to get the whole story out so that someone could give me some good advice because my mom is really the only person i've talked to about it because I made the mistake when I was in college of limiting my friendships and my one best friend I'm in the middle of trying to rekindle our friendship with and don't want to dish this out because we're really not on great talking terms at the moment. I just need someone to talk to about this and I actually want to see a counselor but don't have the extra funds for it. And if you've read this far, I want to thank you and appreciate your thoughts. I feel like this is all happening at the worst time because my business was booming the past year but now it's really slow because of summer and it's really messed with my finances and mood. ---- Also, sorry if I made any typos in this long message, I just wrote as it came to me.
nancyvicious Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm on the brink of a break up from a 10 year relationship as well. Same story. We met in high school as well. Do you have kik so we could correspond more?
Author broknheart13 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thank you so much for that in depth response! You're absolutely right. We really don't have any other experiences to tell us wether were the ones for each other or not or to show us that we shouldn't take each other for granted. I hate to even think about him going out and meeting new people for fear of him leaving me for good. But I feel like at this point in time it is something we should do to either move on or realize what we had was special and can't be replaced. We really do have a lot in common and aside from the cheating 5 years ago, he's a great guy. He doesn't drink, doesn't party, always motivates me to be a better person and the list goes on. Which makes it hard for me to get over it so easily, even after writing a negative and positive list, the positives outweigh the negatives (I can name more negatives but they're petty compared to the positives). I spoke with him more tonight and he said aside from my parents/cheating he felt neglected as well and that he would have liked me to do certain things that I stopped doing or didn't do in general. He also said what pushed him over the edge in wanting to call it quits was me badgering him about an official commitment because he wanted to make the decision on his time without feeling like it was a chore. He said he really did want to marry me but that the feeling of it started to become a chore and the fact that i wasn't doing some other things that made him feel neglected or didn't meet his expectations was why he just decided that we need time apart. He didn't have the best childhood with his stepdad and his stepdad always pestered him to do things around the house and I guess he's been mentally defensive when it comes to being forced or pushed to do things that aren't on his time. All the things that he brought up I know I can fix and have expressed that to him but now that I'm continuously trying to want to repair it right now, I think he feels like its not his decision right now and doesn't want to be forced to fix it when it's not on his terms. How should I deal with this? I want to prove to him so badly that things can be better than they were given that he's told me things that I'm willing to fix to be a better person in the relationship. But I know if I keep pestering him he's going to associate pestering with me and won't want anything to do with me. He doesn't want to loose contact with me and we really can't fully loose contact at the moment due to us co-owning a car. He says when I move (ill be moving out of the state) he wants to start by keeping in contact via email and maybe via phone in the future and that I will always be the first one in his mind if he were to meet someone. But I don't know how to take that because I don't want to live on a "maybe we'll get back together". I want the pain to stop hurting so bad and I feel like the only way to do it is to not talk to him at all and heal but I also think of the phrase out of sight out of mind, and feel like I shouldn't completely cut off contact because if he forgets me than its easier to move on instead if trying to get back together. He also says he doesn't plan on meeting anyone soon because of work (he's very dedicated to his own business and bundling it further) and he says that it would be very hard for him to find someone that meets all his standards, so I don't know what's really going on in his head. I just feel like its my fault and if I would have done things differently and didn't push him so much we would be fine.
Author broknheart13 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I didn't have kik but I just downloaded it. I'm using the same username as the one I have here broknheart13 . It will be good to chat with someone going through the same thing message me anytime.
Author broknheart13 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks so much, I am glad I found this forum because it helps a lot to hear others opinions on the matter. And yep I'm a novice when it comes to heartbreak and I guess the first one hurts like a B**ch... It's so hard to picture life without him in it because I can't even remember life without him before. I'm having a hard time eating and motivating myself to do things because I keep getting these highs and lows. I have pushed myself to try to workout which helps for the time I'm doing it but the joy from it shortly dissipates and is replaced with sadness. Because of my stooper I've made a good friend (co-worker/friend) become angry with me because I had to cancel doing something for her that was important to her, because I've just been so sickly feeling and I can't eat more than a few bits without gagging and wanting to throw it up. So now on top of a break-up i'm dealing with a friend being angry at me. She says she understands my issues but I know she's mad at me deep down because of the way she acted today when I saw her. It just feels like everyone is turning on me in my life and I feel like I'm just a bad person & I keep doing things wrong that cause problems that make people want to drift away from me. I wish I knew what it was so I could try to fix it. I don't know what to do with myself.
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