Heartbroken....... need . Girlfriend dumps me over an arguement.....

[So.Much.Pain]

Hi guys. I have been searching on LS for over a month now to gain some information and to help me through this extremely difficult time that I can only relate to hell that I am currently in. This site has provided me with invaluable information as well as a degree of hope for my situation. After reading many threads I have decided to register and post up my own story as I continue to struggle every second of every day and I would like some input from you LS gurus pertaining to my particular situation.

 

I will try to give you as much information as possible while at the same time not making this post so long that nobody will care enough to read it. My ex girlfriend and I had been dating for approximately 14 months. She moved in with me just a month into our relationship (I know thats not a good idea that early on but we both honestly never felt this much love to anybody before). At first I had a few trust issues (her doing cocaine behind my back) as well as her smoking which I told her I dont smoke myself so I do not want to date a smoker. She gave up the smoking because she was absolutely head over heels for me as well as the cocaine, for the most part (she only ever did it once in a while when drunk). We proceeded to have an absolutely amazing relationship with so much love and did everything together and the relationship took off very fast since we were living together. Sure we had our arguments now and then but we always managed to work through things and the love had always been so strong. We both told eachother everyday how special we are to one another and she told me numerous times how she truely believed we were soul mates. I felt the same way. Everything was going amazing, I was the happiest I had ever been and she was too. Nothing could stop us, or so I thought......

 

Things started to go downhill around April of this year. We had to move into a basement suite that neither of us were very happy at because of all the noise upstairs, sleep was not easy. At around the same time I began working night shift so our schedules were completely opposite and we only saw eachother a few hours of the day and would spend every Thursday together. She also started school at this time AND working part time as well. We were getting more distant as we simply were living 2 different schedules now but I didn't think it was something we couldn't manage. The communication also went way downhill at this point too. She was getting more and more stressed through school/work as well as feeling depressed, which she told me a few days prior to the breakup. Things had definately been getting more rocky between us in the last couple months but there was still very little arguing and we still loved eachother to death. She had also made a few new friends at school (girls her age) and started going out to the bar with them after class every couple days which I wasnt completely comfortable with because I still had the trust issues surrounding cocaine. I didn't think too much of it at the time, I knew she loved me and she was just making new friends and destressing by going out with them. Then it all came crashing down just over 5 weeks ago on a Friday night. I went to work that night and she ended up going out to the bar with her friends after telling me that she was most likely going to stay in and rest. She did tell me that she decided to go out with them and I was not happy with it. I did not talk to her until the following night when I said some stupid **** that I am regretting sooooo much now. I was still upset so I said things like "we are on a sinking ship here", "it doesn't help when you are going to the bar without me whoring yourself out on the dance floor", "to be honest I haven't been able to fully trust you since you stabbed me in the back from the beginning". I know I should not have said these things but human nature is to say stupid things when we are upset. Ofcourse I did not want it to lead to a break up but she wasn't going to tolerate me saying these things and told me "I agree, so do you want to beak up with me or should I spend a couple days at my moms?" Well she ended up spending a couple days at her moms and we did not talk then I text her that Tuesday and thats when she said that she was over it and she is breaking up with me. Wow. I was floored. Just the other day she was telling me how much she loves me and we were still in deep love, there is no questioning that. Now after a stupid arguement her feelings for me changed completely and she said she loves me but is no longer in love with me blah blah blah. Then she would contradict herself and say she just needs time and space and referring to it as a break and saying it will benefit us both in the future. To think that her love for us and our relationship could just vanish because of some stupid **** I said which I apologized for is just crazy to me. I KNOW what we shared and how she felt up until this breakup that I kind of set myself up for. Deep down there is no question she doesn't still love me or miss me, this I am sure of because like I said, if I had not initiated this arguement we would still be together.......

 

Anyways I was completely in shock that she made this decision as I did not see it coming in a million years. I could not believe nor accept it, nor did i think it was what she really wanted either but she kept telling me "right now this is what we need" and "who knows what the future holds". She is very stressed and had depression at that moment so I really don't think she was thinking clearly. I have done so much for this girl and paid majority of rent, bills, drove her around etc. because I knew she loved me and what we had so it didn't much matter to me. Now I almost feel as though she was not who I thought she was, that she had a sudden change of heart and the thought of her using me just kills me. I love this girl to death and honestly saw us spending our lifes together as did she...... I know thats what all couples say but this was genuine and mutual. She has a very indecisive personality and is very insecure about herself at times. I think with all that is going on in her life right now she thought that not being with me at the moment was best for her as she is trying to figure out her future, she is 24 and I am 25. I know that her new found school friends (all girls) were probably a contributing factor as well convincing her that it is summer and that being single is so much better. I do think that this is a very probably case of the GIGS. I treated her like gold and she knows that and she knows how much I love her so I really couldn't have done much more.

 

For the first week and a half I would call/text her every couple of days to beg/plead/reason etc. to no success. It wasn't until I stumbled upon LS that I discovered NC. I initiated absolutely no contact after that week and half and fell off the face of the planet. Its been 3 weeks of strict NC now and almost 5 weeks since the break. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it was necessary to allow myself time to heal and to give her the time and space she asked for. This past Tuesday, 2+ weeks of NC, she caved and text me at 12:30am. She said "do you want to come talk to me" then no later than 30 seconds later she says "nvm its ok". WTF!! I did not reply as I interpret this as mind games and Ive been doing so well with the NC and don't need to go back to day 1. I was honestly sooooooo relieved to receive that text though because up until that point she was acting as if she was perfectly fine and that she can move on no problem. Meanwhile I had been a complete heartbroken mess having nightmares every single day and thoughts of her like a demon posessing my mind. It still is that way today, 5 weeks after the BU, but not as bad. I have stuck to my guns and continued the NC, no facebook no nothing. I am currently dead to her, she is dead to me. I am also seeing a counselor every week now too. I am not doing well at all and am just living one day at a time. I love her to death and always will but I have no idea where her head is at or how she feels. I do know she has feelings for me or wouldn't have asked if I wanted to come talk.

 

So as far as questions go, what do you experienced lovers make of this situation? What does it mean by the fact she contacted me 2 weeks after I began NC to come talk to her? She can be a very unstable person at times and there is no question she was drunk and or high when she text me that night. Should I continue this NC like I have been and if she realizes that she does want me back then I can cross that bridge when I get there? At this point it most likely would not work anyways due to the amount of suffering I have gone through. I just want to know at some point she does look back and miss me, miss the amazing relationship we had and feel a fraction of the pain I feel day in and day out. She already seems to be uncertain of what she wants, its as if she needs me there as her doormat so once her single spree with her friends is up she can come crawling back or something. If she didn't send that text that night I would be more certain of where her head is at. I know I need to move on and I am doing my best but deep down I know she loves me, she misses me, and hopefully will regret her decisions.

 

Thanks guys.

[eleve82]

So.much.pain,

I'm not sure it's ever wise to start a relationship with someone you don't trust and uses hard drugs but this is of course a person choice. Regarding your questions, it is definitely possible for someone to miss you and not actually want to get back together. The reason why NC works to help people move on is because terminates all discussions, and it gives the impression that one party is resolutely moving on. Now if you are clear you want to move on, stick to your guns and just forget she ever messages you. If you in fact want more than simply seeing her "regret" what she has done, and want to see if you can reconcile, stop the NC and go limited contact.

 

Good luck

[So.Much.Pain]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and reply, it is much appreciated.

 

At this moment, 5 weeks post BU, I am still pining over her every single day and would do anything to be back with her and happy again. I honestly have no idea what is going through her head but the fact that the BU was initiated by an argument leaves me to hope that in good time of NC she will start to look past the argument and remember the special bond we had.

 

I am doing my very best to move on at the moment but I am having a lot of difficulty doing so as this has left me in a very dark place of depression. I have no idea what the future holds but I would love for nothing more than for her to one day reflect back and reach out to me. I believe the best thing for me is to keep up the NC until she makes an actual convincing attempt to reconcile, if that ever happens. She hasn't contacted me since that text last week that I did not reply to. This is why I really can not determine what is going through her head.

 

Thanks for all the help and tips with this matter, makes a HUGE difference.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend.

 

Seems like you can't see the forest from the trees. Your complaining about her smoking cigarettes. She SNORTING COKE and sounds to me like she's still doing it so where is your head besides up your own ass?

 

You really want to hitch your wagon with someone with a drug problem? What the hell is the matter with you. Before you decided to move the little Aphrodite in your apartment, wouldn't the rule be that she stops snorting coke? Come on man. Your not thinking here. This is trouble with a capital T. She might be a great girl but not for long is she keeps using and if she tells you that she only does it here and there, you can bet everything you have that it will take the both of you down a real rocky road. Start using your head and move on while you still have a chance. Your the one who said that you were the one paying most of the bills. Keep this girl around and you just might be financing her habit when it gets out of control.........or her funeral. THINK!!

[giblesp]

Yes she was drunk or high when she sent the text. Drugs and relationships are two things that do not go together.

I'd recommend letting this one go. Meet someone who has more emotional stability and can give you what you're looking for. A cocaine user can't do that.

If you really, really must speak to her again, tell her you'll speak to her when she's given up drugs.

[keepontruckin]

OP, I won't question yours, or your ex's use of party favours, although they were quite likely a contributing factor.

 

The fact of the matter is, is that you're beating yourself up over an argument in an otherwise 'great relationship,' as you had stated. An argument which you started.

 

Now, did you slap the crap out of her in this argument? All couples I know have verbal arguments from time to time. We all have our bad days, and bad moments.

 

A true measure of love, is when one partner becomes weak, the other must be strong. It's the basis of marriage vows, and the fundamentals of what is true love.

 

If she is willing to drop you like a hot potato over an argument, in an otherwise OK partnership, think of what she would do if you lost a couple of fingers in an industrial accident.

 

I don't really know your story, and I don't know hers, but I would be hesitant to put forth any more effort on your part if I were you, until she proves that she is putting forth effort on hers...

 

Cliffs: Non contact, don't take her back unless she shows genuine desire to change for the better.