CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 My girlfriend and I are both soon-to-be sophomores in undergraduate university, and we've been going out for almost two years. Yesterday, she told me that she really wants to join a sorority, but was afraid to tell me before now. I like to think of myself as a good boyfriend, so I supported her decision to gain some new friends and independence. She has, under my encouragement, now registered to take part in a rush week. However, I am not ignorant of the stereotypes that circle around sororities/ Greek life on campus (we go to a fairly party-oriented state university). While I'm sure that the image of promiscuous, alcoholic sorority sisters is not true in every case, I do worry a bit about what she'll be getting into. I know that many sororities have private mixers with other fraternities, and that the temptation to cheat will, inevitably, present itself. I guess my question is this: are my worries well-founded? What, in your experiences, do you know about sorority/ Greek life as far as stable relationships go? Is it possible that she will be subjected to peer pressure to break up with me? Thanks in advance for your answers!
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks for the response, but that didn't answer my question. I'm not trying to control her; I'm supporting her decision to do what she wants. I'm just wondering if my worries about sorority promiscuity and alcoholism are well-founded, so I'm asking others for their experiences in the area. Thanks again! 1
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 She won't be subjected to peer pressure to break up with you. But she will be expected to socialize with tons of cute guys she'll see on the regular, and often while intoxicated. How that affects your relationship, we can only guess. That said, I met my college boyfriend my junior year. He was in a fraternity, at a different school 25 minutes away. We stayed together without any sort of jealousy/cheating/flirting thing all through college, moved to another city together, and remained together into the second year of law school. 1
MrCastle Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Your worries are well founded. In the sense that, this is a girl in her early 20s, drinking and partying in the college sorority realm. I would approach it casually though. Enjoy the time you spend with her, and if something happens and you have to call it quits, appreciate the time you had with her and move on to the next one. I believe if people are going to cheat, they're going to cheat regardless. If she was the cheating type, she wouldn't need a sorority to do it. That said, just be cautious. Not just of her actions, but the actions of the frat guys as well. 4
Balzac Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You're a smart guy. You know how rush works and if she's a legacy. What house her GFs live in. It's different for each region of the country and each campus. Are you in The South? Her only pressure will be to participate and guys will know who you are, I'm guessing you're not going Greek? I see no real issue.
edgygirl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 In my home country there are no "sororities" and lots of girls get slutty when they go to college anyway. If she has the propensity to become one, it's not the environment that will change it. That being said, there is a chance peer pressure will happen. But if it does, is that the kind of girl you want to be with anyway? Have a talk with her about all your concerns and see how she feels about them.
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 My girlfriend isn't looking to join any particular sorority. She just wants to be a part of one to gain some permanent female friends, a goal which I totally support. That being said, I know that with inebriation and temptation come slip-ups. We are going to a university in the South, but a very large one. I doubt anyone, least of all members of fraternities, will know who I am. Going Greek isn't for me, but I think it can be a good thing, if handled responsibly. Thanks for your responses!
henderson14 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I almost guarantee that she will break up with you if she joins one. Especially at a state school with a serious greek system. Not necessarily because of all the other options or partying, but it comes down to how greek life changes you and how they look down on "independents." Most sorority girls won't date or consider dating non greeks. People just change after joining greek life. Everything will revolve around her sorority, especially during her pledge period. She will just chalk it up as "we just grew apart", when in reality it was greek life that made you grow apart.
dasein Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It could be a good test for your relationship. She will be socializing with lots of guys, and if not actual pressure, there will be lots of positive reinforcement in the environment for dating the men in fraternities. I lost my first college GF during her rush to a slick dude type, but there's no reason to believe that will happen to you. In retrospect, that guy did me a huge favor anyway. I found sorority women to be no more nor less likely to cheat or behave badly than others, but did find lots of pressure to drink and party more in the Greek world. If that's not your lifestyle as well, it could cause some strain. Good luck.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 How should you feel? Well, my favorite feelings are: melancholy, pessimism, empty, and skeptical. I'm not sure if skeptical is technically a feeling though. Just google a list of feelings and pick out the ones that look the most appealing to you. The ones I listed are the ones I happen to think work really well for me. 2
Balzac Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 My girlfriend isn't looking to join any particular sorority. She just wants to be a part of one to gain some permanent female friends, a goal which I totally support. That being said, I know that with inebriation and temptation come slip-ups. We are going to a university in the South, but a very large one. I doubt anyone, least of all members of fraternities, will know who I am. Going Greek isn't for me, but I think it can be a good thing, if handled responsibly. Thanks for your responses! By virtue of attending open events w her, you'll meet Greek men. It's all good. Part of her positive experience is about you too!! Some people misunderstand sisterhood and how wealth plays into it. In general rush sorts that out. Honestly I wouldn't worry. I had a couple close nonGreek buddies who were tight w several sororities as they were ready and capable escorts who also dated sisters. It's one social option. You'll meet people and have fun.
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 So what I'm gleaning from this is: my girlfriend will be placed in situations that make cheating a lot easier for her. That, since my actions won't have any real effect on her decision to cheat or not, whether it be conscious or under the influence of alcohol, I should trust her. I should also understand if she breaks that trust. I believe the correct response in this situation would be to treat her normally, and support her, but make preparations for emotional detachment. There's no use in getting blind-sided with heartache. What do you think? Thanks again for the responses!
Balzac Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Ouch. I'd modify that. Trust her and keep communication open. It's most desirable to jointly evaluate her personal feelings about pressure. It's easy enough for her to tell you if she wants to break up BEFORE she cheats. I personally think you're over reacting. 2
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 By virtue of attending open events w her, you'll meet Greek men. It's all good. Part of her positive experience is about you too!! This is true. My ex credited his experience being better than he thought possible because of how awesome and understanding I was (we started dating when he was rushing). Although I wasn't in a sorority, I came around enough that all the guys loved me, and was still an honorary Sigma Chi sweetheart. I was serenaded and everything.
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Alright, I'm getting a better picture now. I should trust her, support her, and treat the relationship no differently than I have for the past two years. All the same, I would like to know what kinds of situations she's more likely to encounter than not, just so I can know what to expect. Thanks again for all of the responses!
Balzac Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Fund raising events. Holiday parties that may be formal. Casual events. It runs the gamut. It's a consistent, well organized schedule of "events" that mirror adult life after college. It's fun and work combined. Bear in mind that not every woman participating in Rush finds what she's looking for. It's not a guarantee.
Eclypse Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well I wouldn't be too happy. Soriorities and fraternities are the sort of boozy, partying culture I want no part of. If it was my girlfriend I'd communicate this to her. Of course she's free to make her own decisions, as are you about who you date. I realise I'm very different to most early 20s people in this respect. Being at a "rush" would be akin to pulling teeth for me.
CloverField1227 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Lived in a Fraternity house in college. All the girls I was friends with were very "nice" people. However they all had trouble controlling their hormones when they drink. I had a sleep over one time and found a note in my friend's room. She wrote a prayer to god to help her stop cheating on one of my Fraternity brothers (no it wasn't with me.) 20 is really young. Lots of them go on to become alcoholics until that college phase is over and they do grow out of it on the bright side. Speaking of that fraternity brother - this is how he dealt with her. See no evil, speak no evil was how he treated his relationship. He told her he doesn't want to know anything she did that would break his heart. Rather be a fool in love than not love at all right? That's the only way he could go about it. Cheating is pretty rampant among sororities because of the opportunities. This is how I see it now. When I was younger, I tried recruiting a female neighbor into joining one of the sororities. She didn't like booze or the immoral life around it. I reassured her that if you're not that type of person, then you don't have to worry about it. Her hypothetical question to me in reply was, "Would it not be better to remove yourself from those situations while you have the choice than to increase the chances by placing yourself in it?" Basically I didn't think much of it until I left college and saw all the girls who cheated and were cheated on. To say that if a person isn't a cheater, than no matter where they are, they won't cheat is a little to optimistic for me. My opinion has largely changed since that time. I believe people who won't cheat, would take responsibility by not placing themselves in situations like that in the first place. It's like saying, "I've had sex many times without a condom and never caught any STDs before. Therefore I won't get them this time either." Sorry bro, I'm only being blunt. You have choices to make with your girl. Realize that if she wants to lie to you, there's little you can do to catch her without risking the chance of destroying the relationship if you're in the wrong. What's it worth to you? I never dated in college for a reason. Edited July 29, 2013 by CloverField1227 1
pcplod Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) "Sophomores", "sororities", "rush week", "going greek"? I really do wonder whether despite protests to the contrary America is a land of alien beings that just happen to speak a somewhat vaguely similar tongue. I guess at this point the rest of the English-speaking world should just butt out. Oh, by the way, greetings from us earthlings. PS. Maybe you just ought to get used to it? Maybe, as a post-graduate (do you use that term) she plans to join the Church Of Latter Day Saints, Scientology, Masonry, the odd little pagan cult, you know, one that likes to sacrifice initiates virginity on an alter or maybe she plans to sleep her way to the top of her chosen profession on a fairly haphazard and intuitive basis. It is not an undocumented phenomenon. Edited July 29, 2013 by pcplod
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 OP, Look, your gf is going to be pulled towards obligations that will have less to do with you more often. And many of them will involve being around other good looking, frat guys. We all know that most frats/sors are also interested in recruiting the most attractive of the lot, so she will be around temptation. In the end, this is not a good situation, but I think you are doing the right thing by letting her decide for herself. She may, after rush, decide it's not for her or even if she does join, be independent enough to remain loyal to you, though there will be pressure (maybe not active) to incorporate herself more to the greek way of life. Good luck.
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Again, thanks everyone for the additional responses and perspective! If anyone else has any insight or personal experiences in this area to share, I would be very glad to hear it.
clia Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Being in a sorority won't expose her to anything she wouldn't be exposed to otherwise. If she's interested in going to fraternity parties and dances and getting drunk and hanging out with frat boys, she can do all of that without being in a sorority. At some schools, being Greek is a big deal; at others it isn't. At my school, I wasn't Greek, but still went to a lot of fraternity parties and dances. The sororities at my school had a lot of rules that I didn't want to follow (lol) -- no guys in your room, no liquor in your room, you had to share a room, you had to do things like phone duty, etc. So, in some ways, living in a sorority house may be better, if they are like that at her school. At my school, the sororities and fraternities would team up and have "buddies," so you might have a fraternity "buddy of hers to contend with. There were sister/brother fraternities/sororities, who would team up and do activities together, so she'll be around the frat guys, provided she participates in that. (Which I think there may be some requirement to participate in it on a minimum level.) But the bottom line is that she's either going to cheat or she isn't. I don't see that being in a sorority increases the chances. She has plenty of opportunities to hang out with frat guys whether she is in a sorority or not.
ls32ssibm Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Again, thanks everyone for the additional responses and perspective! If anyone else has any insight or personal experiences in this area to share, I would be very glad to hear it. Here's an easy solution for you; tell her you are okay with the philanthropy but don't stay with her if she goes to frat mixers. Girls may go to those with the false notion of engaging in some intelligent conversations with guys, but frat guys go to those to crush a cervix, no other reason, and they won't care if she has a boyfriend or not.
KatZee Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I'm kind of confused here. You've been with her for TWO YEARS and you have that little trust in her that you feel she's going to dump you and/or cheat on you the second she gets into a sorority? People are not drones. They are highly capable of making decisions (smart ones at that) if they are in love with their partner. Her being in a sorority is not the only reason she would need to dump you if she wanted to. We had tons of sororities at the college I went to and it depended what one you pledged into that determined what kind of person you were. In my school SDT was known for being huge coke heads, and I witnessed first hand these girls snorting lines in the dorm rooms. Some girls were promiscuous, some were not. Sometimes sororities have a heavy hand on what kind of person you become. One of my oldest friends was one kind of person in high school, she pledged a sorority in college and became someone completely different. All you can do is trust her and support her and watch to see what happens.
Author CollegeGuy20 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 I'm kind of confused here. You've been with her for TWO YEARS and you have that little trust in her that you feel she's going to dump you and/or cheat on you the second she gets into a sorority? People are not drones. They are highly capable of making decisions (smart ones at that) if they are in love with their partner. Her being in a sorority is not the only reason she would need to dump you if she wanted to. First of all, thanks for the response. I think you misunderstood my concerns a bit: I trust her, and I know that under normal circumstances she wouldn't even think about cheating on me. But I'm also aware of the Greek life stereotypes, and I know that the peer pressure of an entire group of close friends can be pretty overpowering, not to mention the influence of alcohol. She's definitely not the party type or the cheating type, but I'm worried that her "sisters" will want to be. That's why I'm asking if my worries are well-founded, and asking for personal experiences as justification. Thanks again for your response!
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