Jump to content

A question for LDR couples who have never met (yet...)


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

First thing, if you don't believe in a relationship between two people who have never met in real life, please don't write any rude comments.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 3 months and we are planning to see each other in December. I'm from Australia and he's from the States.

Our original plan was (ever since we started dating) that I was going to go visit him first in the US in December since I have longer holidays. We've already made a lot of plans with his family and friends since i will be there for Christmas and New Year's.

 

Initially, my mum was okay with the idea but about 3 weeks ago, she told me she has this gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. I'm trying to convince her it's going to be okay but she's still upset about it and worried. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and asked if he could come for at least a week but we both know that we want to spend at least a month together and he was talking about how we had all the plans and we talked about what we should do. I asked him to discuss the issue with his mum and what she thinks and even she said, it wouldn't be ideal for him to go since he has college in between.

 

My mum's argument is that if he loves me so much, he should come see me first even if it means only a week and my dad said the same thing. I can see why my parents are concerned but I really don't think it always has to be the guy who does everything first.

 

For now, my boyfriend and I decided that I will be the one to go first but i'm still worried about my parents. What if really something bad happens? Whatever it is...

 

Some of my friends think there's nothing wrong with me going first but some aren't and my parents' friends think it's totally out of the question.

 

It's almost August and either one of us has to book our tickets but I'm just stuck here and I don't know what to do. HELP!

Posted

mschocolat,

 

Have your parents "met" your boyfriend even if that's on Skype?

 

Have you "met" your bf's parents? Have both set of parents "met" each other?

 

Seems like your parents would be less paranoid if they actually had a chance to meet and talk to the others involved.

 

And, perhaps more importantly, it seems like your b/f's parents should recognize the need for *your* parents to be comfortable about you visiting and who you'll be spending time with.

 

BTW, how old are you and your b/f? Do either/both of you live with your parents? Is this the first time you'll have been to the States? Do you know anyone else that lives nearby your b/f or is he the only one you will know in the area you'll be staying?

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 24 and yes we both live with our parents.

 

His mum did suggest that my boyfriend talks to my mum on skype but it's a little difficult with time difference and work.

 

I have been to the States but not Illinois which is where he's from and i don't know anyone there other than him. The closest person will be my friend in New York.

Posted

I know you didn't want to hear anything about relationships not being real before meeting and such. However I think it is very naive to try and sweep that factor under the rug and ignore it.

 

Simple fact is you can know a lot about a person before you meet them and can love them I believe. However there are many factors you can't determine before meeting them. Nuances and mannerisms not to mention physical attraction are extremely hard to gauge until you meet in person.

 

I'm in a very similar situation to yourself. My girlfriend is in Canada and I'm in Australia. I went and visited her for two weeks at the end of last year and she is coming out in a few weeks time to meet my family and friends. I have got a work visa for Canada and will be moving over there at the end of the year.

 

However we both agreed it would be premature for us to call ourselves a couple before we met in person. Mostly for the reasons above also because I believe by holding back on that it's easier not to build up unrealistic expectations of what the other person will be like when you actually meet.

 

I feel that if you declare it a relationship before you have met them. You subconsciously start filling in the gaps that you don't know about them before of lack of physical presence with things that you like but may not line up with reality. Also it puts a ton of pressure that the relationship must work out when you meet. You may not be feeling it now but come tell me that a few days before you leave to go over there.

 

Whist my girlfriend and I saw it as having a holiday with a good friend if we ended up as more fantastic if not then we still were good friends and neither of us was to blame.

 

Just my two cents. May be not what you want to hear but I think it needs to be said. Just look around the forums and you will notice it is not that uncommon for LDR couples to be missing that "spark" when they finally meet up. All I'm saying is have a little caution before spilling your heart out for someone you haven't met. Of course I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

 

As for your parents they are concerned because in their eyes you are still their baby. You are going off to meet a strange man (in their eyes), who they have never met, who lives in another country. To any caring parent that is scary. If you could somehow arrange even a skype call it may help that they can put a face and a voice to the name.

  • Like 4
Posted

My personal opinion is that him coming to you first is probably the better idea. Honestly, if you've never met each other before, you don't know yet if you will connect IRL. What happens if you arrange to go over for a month and then you both realize that the spark isn't there IRL? What are you going to do for the rest of the month, where will you stay?

 

He can come to you first for a week, and if everything turns out well, you could go over to him for a month the next time, no?

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

I agree with most of the things Carenth wrote. I understand you both live with your parents, but I guess you both went a bit too far with it, calling each other bf and gf and involving both your parents so early on.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 3 months
I know the expression, but you haven't been with him. Not yet.

 

Our original plan was (ever since we started dating) that I was going to go visit him first in the US in December
1) you haven't "dated" him, and 2) why only you going there was ever considered?

I understand you have longer holidays, but as your parents and other people think, if he thinks you're worth it, I can't believe he didn't have a free week in a year and 3 months. Honestly, that's hard to believe. And I see how your parents are questioning that.

 

We've already made a lot of plans with his family and friends since i will be there for Christmas and New Year's.
You created a big disparity with this. He's going to spend the holidays with his family, you won't. His parents will have him around, yours won't see you. It could be wise for economic reasons (that you stay at his house), but in that case how are you going to split costs about all the rest? Did you (him or both) arrange to go anywhere you two alone while you'd be there? Or is he just staying in his own environment all the time you'll be there (be it home or campus)?

I'd surely want that, but not *all the time*. You definitely need to see him in other contexts too. And sleep out of town.

 

So: who's going to pay for the flight? You? Your parents?

 

we both know that we want to spend at least a month together
What if things don't work out as you expected? Have you even considered that? What if there's no passion between the two of you? Or not enough chemistry? Or he doesn't want you that way? Or the way you'd feel like? Things happen... and it's just safe to consider the most common situations that might happen to you.

 

I asked him to discuss the issue with his mum and what she thinks and even she said, it wouldn't be ideal for him to go since he has college in between.
Hmm, so his mother decides for him? That would be a huge red flag for me. Especially while you are considering to fly for a day or more to go see him and stay with him for a month and sort of against your parents' will.

 

Overall, I think no one should get in the way telling you what's right or wrong, in your relationship. But here, there's no relationship yet, I mean your relationship is virtual at the moment. It will become real once you meet up with him and you both are crazy about each other. But as Carenth said, there's a chance that won't happen. The last story about this happened last June, if I'm not mistaken, and was told in this forum, with all the feelings that went with it.

 

Also, if things work out, would you leave your country forever to be with him? Would you be ready for that step? Or would you be able to bear being LD for years? What about him? I hope you considered all this.

 

I can see why my parents are concerned but I really don't think it always has to be the guy who does everything first.
Yes, you have a point, but you must see the disparity you created. His mommy is going to see you, meet you, and spend time with you. She will see how you behave at home, how social you are, how polite/good-mannered, etc. Your parents won't be able to see any of that about your "boyfriend". Can you see that? In short, she will see if you're a good fit for him or a good match, your parents won't be that lucky, and even if any final decision is yours, you might have benefited from that, had you had the chance that other people like your friends or family met the guy. At times one can be blind about certain things.

 

What if really something bad happens? Whatever it is...
Ask your mother what she thinks might happen that could be bad, in detail. And then you analyze that rationally. I also think of bad things happening, like the plane can crash... you take risks when you travel...

 

Did you plan to have sex with him?

 

I don't know what to do. HELP!

I can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do. If he were inflexible about coming to see me, I guess it'd be over. In my mind, if he really loves me, he would cross the ocean and the continents to come see me. Even for 5 days, as unreasonable as it may seem (but if you started to reason about that too, you wouldn't fly there either). But if he started making up all the excuses in the world and finally told me he can't, then I would rule out a relationship with him. Such a relationship would be too unbalanced.

Edited by justwhoiam
  • Author
Posted
I know you didn't want to hear anything about relationships not being real before meeting and such. However I think it is very naive to try and sweep that factor under the rug and ignore it.

 

Simple fact is you can know a lot about a person before you meet them and can love them I believe. However there are many factors you can't determine before meeting them. Nuances and mannerisms not to mention physical attraction are extremely hard to gauge until you meet in person.

 

I'm in a very similar situation to yourself. My girlfriend is in Canada and I'm in Australia. I went and visited her for two weeks at the end of last year and she is coming out in a few weeks time to meet my family and friends. I have got a work visa for Canada and will be moving over there at the end of the year.

 

However we both agreed it would be premature for us to call ourselves a couple before we met in person. Mostly for the reasons above also because I believe by holding back on that it's easier not to build up unrealistic expectations of what the other person will be like when you actually meet.

 

I feel that if you declare it a relationship before you have met them. You subconsciously start filling in the gaps that you don't know about them before of lack of physical presence with things that you like but may not line up with reality. Also it puts a ton of pressure that the relationship must work out when you meet. You may not be feeling it now but come tell me that a few days before you leave to go over there.

 

Whist my girlfriend and I saw it as having a holiday with a good friend if we ended up as more fantastic if not then we still were good friends and neither of us was to blame.

 

Just my two cents. May be not what you want to hear but I think it needs to be said. Just look around the forums and you will notice it is not that uncommon for LDR couples to be missing that "spark" when they finally meet up. All I'm saying is have a little caution before spilling your heart out for someone you haven't met. Of course I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

 

As for your parents they are concerned because in their eyes you are still their baby. You are going off to meet a strange man (in their eyes), who they have never met, who lives in another country. To any caring parent that is scary. If you could somehow arrange even a skype call it may help that they can put a face and a voice to the name.

 

 

Thank you for your concern.

I have nothing against what you said however I have my own belief.

Building a relationship online without seeing each other physically, we were able to invest more deeply on an emotional level. We have spent a lot of time together talking, exchanging our values, arguments, our views on things, interests that we feel so close to each other.

As some might say, physical connection is important in a relationship but

we have gone as far as we can in terms of physical level (ie. skype sex)

We send each other, full body pictures (clothes on and off) just so that we know what we look like.

 

We also discuss things like our habits, things that we think will bother us and to be honest, some of it seem pretty clear on skype but we still love each other for who we are.

 

He was actually the first one to worry about our first meeting that I wouldn't like him and I did too at one stage but we have gotten over it ages ago because our little habits, physique and all the other things are not as significant as how much we love each other.

 

The thing is, we do fight over things that we can't necessarily see. For example, I'm an extremely anxious person when i'm worried and he can feel that through my text, my behaviour on skype and he knows that i'm always worry and overthink. As for him, I know that when he gets stressed, he gets very spacey and doesn't like to talk much, become emotionless, angry etc.

 

BUT, this is just the way I think and quite frankly, we have never worried about our first meeting and how it might not work out ever since then.

  • Author
Posted
I agree with most of the things Carenth wrote. I understand you both live with your parents, but I guess you both went a bit too far with it, calling each other bf and gf and involving both your parents so early on.

 

I know the expression, but you haven't been with him. Not yet.

 

1) you haven't "dated" him, and 2) why only you going there was ever considered?

I understand you have longer holidays, but as your parents and other people think, if he thinks you're worth it, I can't believe he didn't have a free week in a year and 3 months. Honestly, that's hard to believe. And I see how your parents are questioning that.

 

He was in the Marine Corps until August last year and started working to save up and go to college and he's now starting college at the end of August.

 

You created a big disparity with this. He's going to spend the holidays with his family, you won't. His parents will have him around, yours won't see you. It could be wise for economic reasons (that you stay at his house), but in that case how are you going to split costs about all the rest? Did you (him or both) arrange to go anywhere you two alone while you'd be there? Or is he just staying in his own environment all the time you'll be there (be it home or campus)?

I'd surely want that, but not *all the time*. You definitely need to see him in other contexts too. And sleep out of town.

 

I will mostly stay at his place with his family. His family knows that i'm coming and they are excited to see me and will get everything ready for me come and stay. Our plan is to go to another state for couple of days with his friend and his girlfriend.

Of course, I'm planning to pay his parents for the stay and also food, electricity etc although my bf wouldn't let me. He's already paying his parents for his room and he's planning to cover for me too.

 

So: who's going to pay for the flight? You? Your parents?

 

I'm paying for my flight which i have been saving up for the past year. I work full time so I can afford it.

 

What if things don't work out as you expected? Have you even considered that? What if there's no passion between the two of you? Or not enough chemistry? Or he doesn't want you that way? Or the way you'd feel like? Things happen... and it's just safe to consider the most common situations that might happen to you.

 

I understand but we have gotten over the fact that we might not work out. We love each other for who we are inside, our personality.

 

Hmm, so his mother decides for him? That would be a huge red flag for me. Especially while you are considering to fly for a day or more to go see him and stay with him for a month and sort of against your parents' will.

 

No it wasn't his mother's decision. He's far from making decisions with his parents. He respects them and listens to them however he's very independent and he's very mature enough to not make any stupid decisions. When my mum was worried, I was the one who asked him to ask his mum about it and see what she thinks of the situation and that's what she suggested; that him, me and my mum skype together.

 

 

Also, if things work out, would you leave your country forever to be with him? Would you be ready for that step? Or would you be able to bear being LD for years? What about him? I hope you considered all this.

 

Yes we have considered everything and I know I want to take my studies further in the US and he wants me to move there eventually (which I don't mind but that's to come later)although we have thought about moving to a whole new country together after we get married(yes we are that serious)

I know it sounds stupid to some people but I have seen it happen and from what we have been through so far, I don't see any reason why we won't and he doesn't either.

 

 

Yes, you have a point, but you must see the disparity you created. His mommy is going to see you, meet you, and spend time with you. She will see how you behave at home, how social you are, how polite/good-mannered, etc. Your parents won't be able to see any of that about your "boyfriend". Can you see that? In short, she will see if you're a good fit for him or a good match, your parents won't be that lucky, and even if any final decision is yours, you might have benefited from that, had you had the chance that other people like your friends or family met the guy. At times one can be blind about certain things.

 

I see where you are coming from. That's a very good point. We are still in the stage where we are trying to decide what to do so we will see.

 

 

Ask your mother what she thinks might happen that could be bad, in detail. And then you analyze that rationally. I also think of bad things happening, like the plane can crash... you take risks when you travel...

 

Did you plan to have sex with him?

 

In fact, I asked her but she doesn't know what it is but she just has a bad feeling about me going, like a mother extinct and also she had a dream about a coffin(she doesn't know who it was) which just involves an unpleasant feeling.

Yes, we are planning to have sex and I will go see a doctor to get birth control. My mum's actually guessed that we will but she just warned me to get contraception and not get pregnant.

Although he's not forcing in any way to have sex and he even told me that he's willing to wait until marriage if needed, we decided that it'd be safer and wiser to get birth control just in case we get carried away.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do. If he were inflexible about coming to see me, I guess it'd be over. In my mind, if he really loves me, he would cross the ocean and the continents to come see me. Even for 5 days, as unreasonable as it may seem (but if you started to reason about that too, you wouldn't fly there either). But if he started making up all the excuses in the world and finally told me he can't, then I would rule out a relationship with him. Such a relationship would be too unbalanced.

 

I know that he will come see me, if I can't. Just for now, my visit their first was what we planned and had in mind for so long that we feel upset about it.

  • Author
Posted

Oops sorry, all my replies are now in your quote box...

  • Author
Posted

Sorry here we go again so it's easier to read

 

 

He was in the Marine Corps until August last year and started working to save up and go to college and he's now starting college at the end of August.

I will mostly stay at his place with his family. His family knows that i'm coming and they are excited to see me and will get everything ready for me come and stay. Our plan is to go to another state for couple of days with his friend and his girlfriend.

Of course, I'm planning to pay his parents for the stay and also food, electricity etc although my bf wouldn't let me. He's already paying his parents for his room and he's planning to cover for me too.

I'm paying for my flight which i have been saving up for the past year. I work full time so I can afford it.

I understand but we have gotten over the fact that we might not work out. We love each other for who we are inside, our personality.

In fact, I asked her but she doesn't know what it is but she just has a bad feeling about me going, like a mother extinct and also she had a dream about a coffin(she doesn't know who it was) which just involves an unpleasant feeling.

Yes, we are planning to have sex and I will go see a doctor to get birth control. My mum's actually guessed that we will but she just warned me to get contraception and not get pregnant.

Although he's not forcing in any way to have sex and he even told me that he's willing to wait until marriage if needed, we decided that it'd be safer and wiser to get birth control just in case we get carried away.

We are still in the stage where we are trying to decide what to do so we will seeI know that he will come see me, if I can't. Just for now, my visit their first was what we planned and had in mind for so long that we feel upset about it.

Posted

We also discuss things like our habits, things that we think will bother us and to be honest, some of it seem pretty clear on skype but we still love each other for who we are.

 

He was actually the first one to worry about our first meeting that I wouldn't like him and I did too at one stage but we have gotten over it ages ago because our little habits, physique and all the other things are not as significant as how much we love each other.

 

Even if this is how it is for you (it isn't really, you just don't have enough experience to understand otherwise) you can't decide for him how he should feel about you when you meet.

 

I think it would be best if you found accommodation somewhere else, not in his parents' house. Too much, too soon without having ever met. Disaster waiting to happen.

  • Like 4
Posted

I could read the post anyway... :) You can edit your post as long as no other posts have been posted (yet).

 

Even if this is how it is for you (it isn't really, you just don't have enough experience to understand otherwise) you can't decide for him how he should feel about you when you meet.
This. This is the whole truth about it. You can hope he will feel the same and everything works out. But there's no sure recipe for that to happen. Other LDRs didn't work out, and they went through all the steps you mentioned and that make you feel safe about the outcome.

When I met him in person, I expected him to be quite different than he actually was. But it was a pleasant surprise for me. And I had seen him sooo many times before that.

 

I think it would be best if you found accommodation somewhere else, not in his parents' house. Too much, too soon without having ever met. Disaster waiting to happen.

I partially agree with this. I wouldn't stay there longer than 2 weeks. And also, you need time alone to get to know each other, while you'll have the whole family around. I hope you can have a room to sleep in, and not with him. It's wise you're planning for contraception in case you get "carried away" but you'd need to be on your own with him for that... Anyway, what's the sleeping arrangement? Give yourself some time to get through the steps and not jumping to sex with him. See how he behaves with you. Let him court you/woo you. Don't skip that part, because it's very important and you will miss that. Trust me about that.

It's good that you're having a couple of days away with friends, but you'd need the same for the two of you. Be sure you can have a weekend or something just for you two. Away. You need to see how you two work on your own and without interferences, and around the clock, in person.

 

Judging by what you wrote so far, you are being very biased about him. This is understandable somehow, but also a curse. You already know all the answers, or so you think. Be ready to face the unexpected and the unknown instead of thinking you know what things will be like. You think he will say he will come to you if you tell him you can't come anymore. You didn't predict any arguing, him getting resentful or worse, and most of all him saying he won't come any time soon. Which is a bit unrealistic of you. He's kind of perfect in your eyes. Your parents might see that and although understandable in the crush phase, it's a bit worrisome for them, because they know what you feel makes you vulnerable and unrational.

 

About the coffin, it's mainly linked to the loss she's feeling... You're leaving home and thinking of moving to a different country in a different continent. It's an emotional loss, but also physical.

  • Author
Posted

Yeah....I'm just worried and caught in my mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I will see how things turn out.

Posted

Sorry I have to disagree with what you have stated here. It seems to me you have fallen right into the trap of complacency I was talking about. You have filled in the gaps about what you don't know about him and he is pretty much perfect in your eyes which is unrealistic.

 

There will be things that when you meet in person you will find new (of you course there will be you have never met him!). To think otherwise is to set yourself up for disappointment when what you have created in your mind doesn't match up with reality.

 

The fact that you are not even remotely worried about the first meeting (or so you say) and are so sure it is a sure thing really does concern me. That is putting so much pressure on yourself and will be more devastating if it doesn't go to the plan it your head.

 

I was literally ****ting bricks before I met my girlfriend for the first time. All I can say is you can only speak for yourself and not him. Even then there will be things you won't expect to happen that will.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)
I think it would be best if you found accommodation somewhere else, not in his parents' house. Too much, too soon without having ever met. Disaster waiting to happen.

 

I totally agree with this. Your mom is scared because you are a young woman flying 20+ hours to a different country to stay in the home of a man you've never met in person for an entire month. Over Christmas, no less!

 

You may feel this is no big deal. I can tell you that it is. I can't imagine having that kind of pressure on a long distance relationship the first time you two meet in person. Even assuming you get along great with him in person, do you really want to be having sex in his parents' house, waking up in the morning and facing his mother, and having his parents in your face all the time? Is their house big enough that you two will have some privacy without having to sit in his childhood bedroom with the door shut? This all just seems so uncomfortable to me at your age. And to add to that -- you are going to be spending the holidays with his entire family. This all sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just so much pressure...

 

In my opinion, you should be staying in a hotel for at least the beginning portion of your trip until you can assess the situation with him and at his parents' house. Are you planning to have your own rental car so you can go do your own thing if you want? Maybe you should consider doing some other excursions, since you are coming all the way to the U.S. There is a lot more to see than Illinois. (And Illinois is pretty boring, except for Chicago. Hopefully he will take you there for a weekend.)

 

In short, your mother is worried about you because your assumption is that everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows. She knows there is a strong possibility that will not be the case. Please at least tell me that you have a Plan B in the event that you show up at his house and there is no spark, no chemistry, and the two of you (or one of you) don't feel the way you thought you would. What will you do for an entire month?

Edited by clia
  • Like 1
Posted

I have a friend who had a girlfriend he had actually met once (when they were just friends), but with whom he had never spent any time in real life while she was his girlfriend. He flew out there for TWO WEEKS (on her dime, because he's broke), and as soon as she saw him, she decided she didn't want to date him after all.

 

He sat in a hotel in Vegas for six days until he finally got someone to lend him the money to take a flight home sooner.

 

A week is plenty of time. Have him fly out there first.

Posted

When I was in an LDR, I flew out of the country (a 13 hour trip each way) for just a weekend to meet my now ex-SO for the first time. It sucks to have such a short amount of time with a loved one, but if the chemistry is off (and you will not know if it's good until you meet---there are many threads on this forum to prove that) you will regret having to spend a month with him.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you guys for the comments.

 

Obviously most of my stay will be at his parents' with him and his family however I know that we will have lots of privacy too either in his room and outside when we are hanging out. We just want to treat it as a time to get to know each other deeper than ever.

 

IF really something unfortunate happens, I'm quite happy to travel around by myself and possibly visit my friend in New York. I will be taking enough money for any events that might happen.

 

I spoke to him about this last night and he told me that he will definitely come see me first if I can't. It just won't be around Christmas but then again, he may be able to once he gets his exam schedule. Everything's up in the air for him at the moment so he can't book his flights.

Posted (edited)
Yes we have considered everything and I know I want to take my studies further in the US and he wants me to move there eventually (which I don't mind but that's to come later)although we have thought about moving to a whole new country together after we get married(yes we are that serious)

I know it sounds stupid to some people but I have seen it happen and from what we have been through so far, I don't see any reason why we won't and he doesn't either.

 

I missed this part because it was in the quote answers. First off I hope you do realise the education system in the US is very different from here in terms of expense and loan repayments.

 

For those unaware Australian higher education is highly subsidized by the government, you take your loan from the government and don't have to start paying it back until you are working in a job earning over 50k a year. If you never are in a job paying that much. You never have to pay it back. If you leave the country you don't have to pay it back (unless you return at a later point and have a job earning over 50k).

 

The loans don't have interest and are only adjusted by consumer price index each year. In other words the cheapest and easiest loan you will ever get in your life. Period.

 

Honestly I think you would be a crazy surrendering your right to that as an Australian citizen to go study in the US instead (no offence to US but it's one of the perks of Australian citizenship). Have you even considered how you would handle the debt associated with that? Getting the right to work in the US isn't exactly easy either for outsiders.

 

Also talking about marriage before you have even met is serious red flags for me. I think you really need to wind things back a bit and bring it back in line with reality. You guys have put so much pressure on each other for it to work (I'm not saying it won't) it seems like unnecessary stress when you do meet up. I also think a month is too long but that is my personal opinion. I know I wouldn't want to be stuck overseas for a month if things didn't work out.

 

Would you be able to afford lodging for a month if it didn't work out? This is something serious to consider. Before I went to visit my girlfriend I made sure I had enough funds to afford accommodation/transport etc for 2 weeks in case of a worst case scenario.

 

Honestly these are things that you realistically need to think about. You can't just block out the parts you don't want to think about because they will come and hit you with a sledgehammer when the gravity of the situation sets in.

 

These are things I have spent a long time thinking about and weighing up and I still want to try and make my relationship work. I will be giving up a stable job here in Australia to going to somewhat unknown. A somewhat calculated risk I will have enough funds to live there for about 6-7 months... I'm certainly hoping I can find work before then. But that is the risk I'm willing to take. If it doesn't work out well I will have to head back.

 

What I'm trying to say is I'm planning well in advance for possible scenarios and how would I manage if things didn't pan out as planned. Whilst you seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket with no contingency plan if it doesn't work out.

 

I don't know if it makes any difference or not but I'm 26 and first contacted my girlfriend when I was about 23. We were penpals to start with and were never looking for a relationship from each other. We became close over time and were not official until our meeting last year.

Edited by Carenth
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I missed this part because it was in the quote answers. First off I hope you do realise the education system in the US is very different from here in terms of expense and loan repayments.

 

For those unaware Australian higher education is highly subsidized by the government, you take your loan from the government and don't have to start paying it back until you are working in a job earning over 50k a year. If you never are in a job paying that much. You never have to pay it back. If you leave the country you don't have to pay it back (unless you return at a later point and have a job earning over 50k).

 

The loans don't have interest and are only adjusted by consumer price index each year. In other words the cheapest and easiest loan you will ever get in your life. Period.

 

Honestly I think you would be a crazy surrendering your right to that as an Australian citizen to go study in the US instead (no offence to US but it's one of the perks of Australian citizenship). Have you even considered how you would handle the debt associated with that? Getting the right to work in the US isn't exactly easy either for outsiders.

 

Also talking about marriage before you have even met is serious red flags for me. I think you really need to wind things back a bit and bring it back in line with reality. You guys have put so much pressure on each other for it to work (I'm not saying it won't) it seems like unnecessary stress when you do meet up. I also think a month is too long but that is my personal opinion. I know I wouldn't want to be stuck overseas for a month if things didn't work out.

 

Would you be able to afford lodging for a month if it didn't work out? This is something serious to consider. Before I went to visit my girlfriend I made sure I had enough funds to afford accommodation/transport etc for 2 weeks in case of a worst case scenario.

 

Honestly these are things that you realistically need to think about. You can't just block out the parts you don't want to think about because they will come and hit you with a sledgehammer when the gravity of the situation sets in.

 

These are things I have spent a long time thinking about and weighing up and I still want to try and make my relationship work. I will be giving up a stable job here in Australia to going to somewhat unknown. A somewhat calculated risk I will have enough funds to live there for about 6-7 months... I'm certainly hoping I can find work before then. But that is the risk I'm willing to take. If it doesn't work out well I will have to head back.

 

What I'm trying to say is I'm planning well in advance for possible scenarios and how would I manage if things didn't pan out as planned. Whilst you seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket with no contingency plan if it doesn't work out.

 

I don't know if it makes any difference or not but I'm 26 and first contacted my girlfriend when I was about 23. We were penpals to start with and were never looking for a relationship from each other. We became close over time and were not official until our meeting last year.

 

 

In terms of something going wrong, I'm actually not too worried because I will be taking enough money and I have a friend studying in New York and also a family friend living in New York or I will be more than happy to travel around by myself.

 

Study wise, I am aware of the US education system and how it works differently there. I finished my Bachelor's degree in Australia 2 years ago which I paid all upfront since my parents helped me out and I'm looking at doing Masters in the States which I will pay it myself. Not just because of my boyfriend but the field of study that I'm interested in is more advanced and more recognised in the US. It's for MY future not just his because i have a specific goal about my career.

I know it's hard to get a job in the US however I'm willing to do anything to study what I want to study.

Posted

Alright that's good to hear that you are not planning to go study in the US just for him. I understand some fields it is hard to avoid studying in the US so I wish you luck with that.

  • Author
Posted
Alright that's good to hear that you are not planning to go study in the US just for him. I understand some fields it is hard to avoid studying in the US so I wish you luck with that.

 

Thank you! but of course I want us to work out too and hopefully we will so fingers crossed!

Posted
Thank you! but of course I want us to work out too and hopefully we will so fingers crossed!

 

Yes I wish you luck with that as well. I strongly believe that a part of LDR is managing expectations and realising everything won't be a fairy tale when you do finally meet. It may go great, it may not as long as you have considered and accepted either could happen then that's fine.

 

Just the talk of marriage and such seemed to me you guys have jumped the gun a bit and I was worried both your expectations may not match up. I don't say this out of malice I've just seen enough people come through here with similar expectations and were disappointed in the end.

  • Like 3
×
×
  • Create New...