Menina Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I've been "dating" this guy for 4 months - I'll call him H. Last night I was going to meet H at his house but decided that first I wanted to go to a music show with my best friend, who happens to be male (I'll call him G). Well, H was at the show and as soon as he saw me he went over to talk, and then G, who was buying beer, showed up, so I introduced them. Well, I continued to hang out with my friend G while H hanged out with his friends, but after a while I recieved a text from H saying that he would not be able to meet me that night because something came up and he had to go to his mom's house. Before he went he did stop by to say goodbye and he told me that maybe tonight we can meet. At first I was ok, besides I was the one who came up the idea to see each other last night, but then I started thinking that maybe he thinks I'm sleeping with my friend G (is not the first time he's seen us hanging out together, the first time I didnt introduced them because he was with his friends and I did end up at H's house afterwards, so, at that time, I thought it was not an issue). Today I texted him to see if the plan to meet tonight was still up, since last night he cancelled for legit reasons. Well, it's been over 4 hours and he hasn't replied to my text. I know he's busy and it's not the first time he hasn't answered a text quickly (he always replies, though) but the insecurity monster is coming up in my mind and telling me that he's blowing me off, maybe because he thinks I am dating him and my friend G at the same time (btw, no, G is like my brother). What do guys think when they see someone they're dating/having sex with with another guy? Do you automatically assume she's f*cking him, even if she introduces him to you? Am I overly thinking everything and is more probably that he's just too busy/having problems with phone/sleeping/etc? Should I send a follow up text or just wait for him to respond.
veggirl Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Curious, did you delay plans with him to go see/hang out with G? Or were your plans always for later? If I had plans with a guy and he delayed them to hang out with another girl, I'd be pissed. Were you at least physically affectionate in front of G so that it's clear G is the friend and H is the romantic interest? Had H heard of your bff G before this night? 4
Author Menina Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Curious, did you delay plans with him to go see/hang out with G? Or were your plans always for later? If I had plans with a guy and he delayed them to hang out with another girl, I'd be pissed. Were you at least physically affectionate in front of G so that it's clear G is the friend and H is the romantic interest? Had H heard of your bff G before this night? No, he just told me that we should meet at his house, but since he doesnt have a car I calculated time and decided I had two hours for the show and then I could head to his house (because he always arrives laaate to his house), I actually planned on texting/calling him from the show to let him know after that I would go to his house, to my surprise he was also at the show with his friends, so we didn't knew each other was going lol. I wasn't affectionate at all with G and I introduced him as my friend, which I think he knows because he's seen us hanging out (in group) before. I haven't talked about G before with H because I didn't think it was important but I'm thinking now about talking to H and clarifying things, but I don't know if it would be awkward like that ep. of Girl Code ("Hey H, G is only my friend I'm not f*cking him")
Lansing Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 No need to be defensive. What I find weird is that you two didn't know you were both going to the same concert! Why didn't that come up in conversation. Almost like you guys were hiding that info from each other. 5
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 No need to be defensive. What I find weird is that you two didn't know you were both going to the same concert! Why didn't that come up in conversation. Almost like you guys were hiding that info from each other. And you didnt even hang out together when you saw eachother there... Id be pissed if a dude i was dating was with another chick, and he didnt give me his attention. Both of these. What was up with these? 3
Tk123 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Did you make H aware that you were going to the concert with G prior to stumbling across H there? If not, I think he may feel a little skeptical about you and G. Honestly, the best thing to do is to have a conversation with him about it. I know if I were in his shoes I'd be concerned, especially if this isn't the only occasion where he has came across you hanging out with G in person.
Author Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Both of these. What was up with these? Sorry if I came off defensive! The thing is that we're not really dating. I think this is more of a FWB situation, or at least that's how I see it. We've never talked about defining our relationship, and I don't want to bring that subject because I met him just after I broke up with my ex and one of the firt things I told him was that I wasn't interested in a relationship, at the moment. So we're really casual and there's no real accountability for our actions, that's why we both hang out with our friends without having to tell one another (i know, kinda f*cked up). Sometimes we make plans to meet at a show and sometimes we don't. About how we didn't hang out together, yeah, it was awkward because I didn't know if I should've stayed with him and leave my friend alone, hang the three of us (even more awkward) or just let him hang with his friends and I with mine which was what happened, in part because I thought that if we didnt told each other about the show is because we both had plans to go with our friends. I guess that we've been letting this casual thing go for too long and now I don't know how to act/react or what things should I say or not, and now I think I'm developing feelings towards him (maybe that's why I'm worrying about this too much). He still hasn't replied to my text and I'm seriously thinking about sending him a text explaining that G is only my friend, but everytime I'm going to write the text or call him I stop myself, thinking that Im assuming way too much stuff and that maybe I should give him a day before making contact. Seriously, this is consuming me...I'm even thinking about having "the talk" (what are we, boundaries, etc), but I've never been in this situation and I'm having so much fun with him that I'm scared that talking about the status of our relationship will scare him away, and this is something I don't talk about with my friends/family because I don't want to seem vulnerable among them (Im always the one giving advices).
Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 ...He still hasn't replied to my text and I'm seriously thinking about sending him a text explaining that G is only my friend, but everytime I'm going to write the text or call him I stop myself, thinking that Im assuming way too much stuff and that maybe I should give him a day before making contact. . I agree with your intuition to not contact him again or explain anything until he responds to your first text (as hard as that may be).
Author Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I agree with your intuition to not contact him again or explain anything until he responds to your first text (as hard as that may be). Thank you, and thanks all posters for the questions and advice. Seriously, you've been like my voice of reason. I remember that once he didn't showed up for a date and didn't replied my calls. I was so MAD, I was about to write him the nastiest text ever but my mind kept saing don't do it. I ended up not texting him and letting everything go, one hour later he called me from another number telling me that his phone died and his ride left him at a friend's house (so I had to pick him up). I guess that when things like an unanswered text/call happens, some people like me get sudden insecurity attacks and ends up thinking the worst things. That's why I write these post, to let others be my voice of reason. I decided that I won't text/call him, and I'll let the waiting game continue, and if tomorrow he hasn't called/texted then I'll pick up the phone. I also realized that it's kinda shady seeing a guy/gal with another person (I just remembered a time when I encountered him at a game with another girl and the green jealousy monster builded up inside of me - I later found out she's his business partner), so I'll explain to him how I've known G for years and how we're siblings from another mother/father.
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Sorry if I came off defensive! The thing is that we're not really dating. I think this is more of a FWB situation, or at least that's how I see it. We've never talked about defining our relationship, and I don't want to bring that subject because I met him just after I broke up with my ex and one of the firt things I told him was that I wasn't interested in a relationship, at the moment. So we're really casual and there's no real accountability for our actions, that's why we both hang out with our friends without having to tell one another (i know, kinda f*cked up). Sometimes we make plans to meet at a show and sometimes we don't. About how we didn't hang out together, yeah, it was awkward because I didn't know if I should've stayed with him and leave my friend alone, hang the three of us (even more awkward) or just let him hang with his friends and I with mine which was what happened, in part because I thought that if we didnt told each other about the show is because we both had plans to go with our friends. I guess that we've been letting this casual thing go for too long and now I don't know how to act/react or what things should I say or not, and now I think I'm developing feelings towards him (maybe that's why I'm worrying about this too much). He still hasn't replied to my text and I'm seriously thinking about sending him a text explaining that G is only my friend, but everytime I'm going to write the text or call him I stop myself, thinking that Im assuming way too much stuff and that maybe I should give him a day before making contact. Seriously, this is consuming me...I'm even thinking about having "the talk" (what are we, boundaries, etc), but I've never been in this situation and I'm having so much fun with him that I'm scared that talking about the status of our relationship will scare him away, and this is something I don't talk about with my friends/family because I don't want to seem vulnerable among them (Im always the one giving advices). I dunno. If you agreed to FWB and outright told him you didn't want a relationship, and you've been carrying on like this for 4 months, that's the situation you've created for yourself, and it's very hard to make a guy go from thinking/treating you like a f*ck buddy into thinking of you as someone he'd want to bring home to mom. I think you haven't heard from him because he thinks you're FWB'ing another dude too, which grosses him out and turns him off, not because he actually "cares" about you. 4
Author Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I dunno. If you agreed to FWB and outright told him you didn't want a relationship, and you've been carrying on like this for 4 months, that's the situation you've created for yourself, and it's very hard to make a guy go from thinking/treating you like a f*ck buddy into thinking of you as someone he'd want to bring home to mom. I think you haven't heard from him because he thinks you're FWB'ing another dude too, which grosses him out and turns him off, not because he actually "cares" about you. I get what you're saying and sometimes I ask myself how I let this go on for so long without any kind of definition/boundaries/etc. Though the term FWB/FB hasn't come up and we haven't agreed on anything, now everything is confused because while we act like we're dating (sleeping together with no sex, going out, meeting his/my friends, talking for hours in person, dining, etc) we still haven't defined what we are and we still have room to do things without the other's knowledge, heck we don't even talk each day, we only text to see when/where we'll meet. I guess that tomorrow, if he hasn't replied I'll text him to clarify things because he may be grossed out by the idea of me sleeping with someone else, when that's not true. However, last night he didn't seemed upset, he actually came up to me before leaving to say goodbye and to tell me that maybe today he'll be at his house and we could meet today, that's why I'm also confused about everything. But yeah, I guess the time to DTR is coming.
Imported Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 4 months? Not too much time invested yet and I'm still figuring things out. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, that is close enough for me and I am gonna call it a duck. Not discussing it. "G" and you go out on your own like you're a couple. You ignore the boyfriend(?) and seemingly choosing "G" over him. That'd be enough for me to stop looking at you as anything other than a hole to stick my wiener or more likely to just move on. 1
Author Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Yes. I get it looks extremely shady, and as I said before I too saw him once hanging out with a girl who resulted was his business partner, and I did felt jealous at the time (though I didnt say anything). Star and you bring the point about how it may look like I'm with G, so if it were you, would me introducing him as a friend not make a difference in your thought? I even offered to buy the three of us beers. And I guess it looks like I chose my friend over him, but he was hanging out with his friends too. Oh, and what would you do in the same situation, would you have ignored me and leave without telling me? (Because the fact that he stopped by before leaving to say goodbye makes me think that maybe he's not mad about it, but who knows) Also he's seen G before, one night we (G and some of my friends) were hanging out and H was also in the bar (whoops, there it goes, both of us were hanging out in the same place without telling the other), I ended up saying goodbye to and my friends and leaving with H, but that night I didn't introduce H to G or my friends because he was also with other friends. LOL, the more I read about it the more I realize how I'm making a big deal of something when all I'm doing is assuming things. I guess the best way to find out is to tell him directly, but I needed some reassurance and objective perspective, because I never thought how suspicious a man and a woman going out together can look (maybe because I've always had male friends and I just see my friends like a blob of genderless awesomness).
PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It hard to say if he's blowing you off...I am a guy and I don't blow women off, but I have been blown off before, hell I think I am being blown off right now (see the thread I started this morning and please comment, haha). I am one to always be up front and communicate my thoughts and feelings. But that seems to be missing in this day and age with both men and women. Maybe some clarification is needed for this guy. Just be upfront and ask what he expects in return. Honesty never hurts. 1
Frog Princess Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 From what you've indicated above, it sounds as though you want more out of the relationship than simply being FWBs. The problem with a FWB relationship is that many times women want more. My suggestion is to speak candidly with him about what took place last night and find out what his intentions are in terms of being in a relationship. If says anything like, "he's not ready to be in a relationship/you're a great girl but.../or he doesn't know what he wants", those are clear indicators that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. More specifically, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It might be time to plan an exit strategy. If he is open to being in a relationship, then good luck to you . Check out my website at Smooching Frogs for hilarious dating stories, articles and much more!
dasein Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 No idea whether he's blowing you off. How is it that H just happened to be at the show you and G went to? Very small town? Otherwise I'm getting a vibe of "not all relevant detail presented" here, which is understandable as this is just text on a page trying to describe a whole situation. But OP are you -sure- there's not more you'd like to tell us about your motivations and H's? Is it possible there are feelings brewing here both ways and you are gaming each other a bit with some jealousy and chasing games? Anyway, good luck getting things figured out.
Leigh 87 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'm really adoring with my guys that I'm into. This is me after 4 months of dating: ''Hey babe, I can't wait to see you later xoxooo. There's this show on just before I was going to head over to see you. Do you want to come with me? My good friend will be there too, his name is ___________ and I think you'd like him. I'd also like my good friends to all meet you. Since you're now a part of my life'' After 4 months, I'm generally in love with a guy too; too much in love to go to a show, with a best male friend that my lover has yet to even meet.... There's nothing wrong with spending time with your friends. Obviously, it's a great thing that you have your own social life independently of your boyfriend. It's just etiquette to at least tell your partner that your going to the show with a guy friend, and ask if he'd like to come with you
Drseussgrrl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 If this is just your FWB of four months than no, neither of you owe the other anything. Honestly, a true FWB sitch is nearly impossible to pull off for any length of time, because of stuff like this. Almost always someone catches feelings and you're left with this haze of confusion about what's acceptable and expected. Argh - it's for the birds. I think four months of dating is plenty of time to know where you stand with a guy. And if he isn't bringing it up, chances are he's in no hurry to lock you into GF status. Look out for yourself, always.
Leigh 87 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Oh.... so it's not official. Well. If he's not in love with you and crazy enough about you by now, 4 months, to want to claim you as his girlfriend. .... then yeah. He probably doesn't care THAT much about it. He would either find it distasteful of you to have 2 guys on rotation. Not to mention jealousy could come up due to his bruised ego (that he wasn't enough to entertain you) Or. He actually is falling in love with you. Therefore this hurt him and made him realize he wants to be your boyfriend. It's probably the first reasons I mentioned.
Author Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Hey guys, thank you so much for your advices. This post and reading other poster's stories made me realize that what I have is definitely not something serious. I guess that if after 4 months he/I doesn't bring up the subject of what we are and how we should continue is because one or both of us are not that into each other. I know that I'm catching feelings for this guy, that's why I worry so much about how he perceives me, but I also don't know what he's true feelings are and as some of you say I guess that he's not that into me. As of now he still haven't answered my text and I'm still making up excuses in my mind (he's busy, he left it at his mom's house, etc) but maybe he just doesnt want to talk to me. I also keep searching for hints that hes really into me like when he introduces me to his friends, when we sleep together, or invite me to his business events, but then I realize that maybe that doesn't mean anything and I wonder why he doesnt call me.during the week or why weeks can go by without contact, sometimes I feel like I've been initiating contact more than him. I know the best way to know is to talk to him upfront, about everything, about us, even though Im scared that it will finally confirm what I suspect, that Im falling for someone who's not falling for me. My plan for now is to not contact him and if he still havent contacted me in 2 days Ill give him a visit to have a talk, because no matter if this ends or continue I feel like I should make it clear that Im not sleeping around and I think it is time to define what we are or stop it. PD- yes, I live at a small town and my circle of friends and H have similar taste in music and bar/party scene. BTW, this FWB thing suuuuucks. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 BTW, this FWB thing suuuuucks. Yup, someone always gets sucked in emotionally and it turns sour. Similar to the polyamory illusion/delusion. Good luck.
Recommended Posts