compulsivedancer Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 H and I are 6 months from DDay. My A began almost a year ago. I know this next six months will be hell for H as he thinks about all the 1-yr affair anniversaries. (Eg:is this when they first did __?) As the fWW, how do I help him deal with these triggers? As BS, how did you deal with them? Was it a daily struggle?
road Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 What have you done to recover your marriage? Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. How did your BH find out? How did the affair end? How did you meet the OM? How does your BH know that NC is not being broken? IS the OM married, GF, does she know that the OM cheated on her.
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 What have you done to recover your marriage? Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. How did your BH find out? How did the affair end? How did you meet the OM? How does your BH know that NC is not being broken? IS the OM married, GF, does she know that the OM cheated on her. I wish I could just put this in my profile...it's so weird to tell this story over and over...Road, I will get back to your questions when I have access to a computer rather than cell phone.
save150 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 First year DDay for me will be in one month. I am the BS. We also have a "intrusive" OW. Still.
dichotomy Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Do or prepare something special for these times - couple of days before hand and after. Could be a romantic get away, could be a week of extra special home made dinners, really special sex, cards, small gifts, framed photos of special times you and your spouse had that are put up on the walls around this time, and lots of praise. 4
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Simple and heartfelt apologies went the most distance with me. Making new memories is also somewhat wise for a few of the big, obvious dates. Mostly, I wanted to know that my wife was in it with me for the long haul. Small, timely gestures went a long way. Not to sound juvenile, but if you've been thru any hysterical bonding, keep it up. 2
Confused48 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Compulsive, I like the practical ideas that dichotomy has for you. I also want to say how touched I am at your request for advice. Your heart is in the right place. Whether you make it with your H or not you are a good person to be asking what you did ask. My one year Dday and all the attendant one year mile stones passed recently with no acknowledgment by me or my WS. If your BS does not need or want to acknowledge it let it pass of course. It might happen that way for you too. It might not but in case it does I thought I should say it happened that way for me. Not that my relationship is immune to anniversaries. Mothers Day for example and WS birthday, were last year very hard for me. So maybe this is going to be a hard time for your BS. But hold your breath and hope for the best. I wish you well. 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I don't have really have any "dates" except for a couple of time markers based on yearly events, but I imagine there will be several triggers for him that I don't anticipate (that I'm not even sure how to anticipate). And there's an odd one coming up. I told him that things began shortly after I went to a waterpark with my sister, who has just invited me to go to the same waterpark, about a week later than last year. Is it wrong of me to go? I imagine this will be a benchmark for him, or it might be nothing, as it wasn't actually related to the A, just a time marker indicating the beginning.
AbeNormal Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) I don't have really have any "dates" except for a couple of time markers based on yearly events, but I imagine there will be several triggers for him that I don't anticipate (that I'm not even sure how to anticipate). And there's an odd one coming up. I told him that things began shortly after I went to a waterpark with my sister, who has just invited me to go to the same waterpark, about a week later than last year. Is it wrong of me to go? I imagine this will be a benchmark for him, or it might be nothing, as it wasn't actually related to the A, just a time marker indicating the beginning. Don't assume your husband will have "anniversary" markers in his brain. Many men don't even remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Women tend to hold onto those things much more strongly (since they are more highly evolved). But here is a tip - but it won't work unless it is sincere (a BS has a very fine radar). One of the most important things my wife did for me was to pay attention to my triggers. They were varied and many - but someone who cares and pays attention could figure them out. In the early days, I would just "blow up" - there was no question that I was triggered. Later, I would just tense up - or give off some other vibe. And this is where my wife was brilliant. She would just look at me and say "I'm sorry Abe". She's made a bit of a mistake lately because she thinks that since time has gone by - I should be over it. Wish she would "feel my pain" and still be willing to just say - "I'm sorry Abe". Edited July 29, 2013 by AbeNormal 3
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I don't have really have any "dates" except for a couple of time markers based on yearly events, but I imagine there will be several triggers for him that I don't anticipate (that I'm not even sure how to anticipate). And there's an odd one coming up. I told him that things began shortly after I went to a waterpark with my sister, who has just invited me to go to the same waterpark, about a week later than last year. Is it wrong of me to go? I imagine this will be a benchmark for him, or it might be nothing, as it wasn't actually related to the A, just a time marker indicating the beginning. My instinct says to ask him. Keep that line of communication open. Sometimes I would be fine when we might have both expected me to be all triggery and sometimes it came unexpected. My wife used every god-forsaken hotel in the area so that was a bigger problem for me than dates. Sometimes the best thing to do when a trigger happens is to just be there. One of the worst things that my wife did once was to go to bed when I was triggering. Looking back, she had just said something consoling and really didn't know what else to do. But the thought that she could sleep while I was up and stressed out was tough to manage (to say the least). What worked most often for me was a heartfelt, I'm sorry and some physical touch. That made me feel like we were in it together. It's a tough issue for waywards. As a BS, no one wanted me to be "over it" more than I did. So I commonly tried to choke down the trigger without even mentioning it. I had chosen forgiveness and so it seemed my cross to bear. But quietly, I most certainly hoped for my wife to reach out at the right time. 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I feel so useless when he triggers. Especially when he does and then won't talk about it. I'm so-so at helping people with hard times in the first place (a FOO issue, I think), and I'm not always sure I'm helping. If I can get him talking, it's usually better. But when he's just generally feeling bad, an apology and affection never feels like enough. Is there more I can be doing?
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I feel so useless when he triggers. Especially when he does and then won't talk about it. I'm so-so at helping people with hard times in the first place (a FOO issue, I think), and I'm not always sure I'm helping. If I can get him talking, it's usually better. But when he's just generally feeling bad, an apology and affection never feels like enough. Is there more I can be doing? Just two immediate thoughts come to mind: (1). Be proactive. I like that you've tried to anticipate the water park thing. Again, I would take the opportunity to ask him his preference about that trip. If it truly wasn't affair-related, I bet he'll have no issues with you going. But he will most certainly appreciate that you cared enough to ask (especially if you were willing to cancel the trip). Win-win. (2). Ok, it sounds like you're failing a bit in the trigger department but not for lack of effort. Have you read the "5 Love Languages" book? It wasn't my favorite but it did help both my wife and I to do what OUR SPOUSE would appreciate rather than what WE would appreciate. Some people respond to words, some to thoughtful gifts, some to physical touch and so forth but many times we make the mistake of doing for someone else what we think we would want. Otherwise I have to say that I'm kinda far removed from those days now (that period was about 2 years ago for me). My recollection is appreciating when she would acknowledge the trigger (sometimes anticipate it), genuinely apologize, and reach out to me (yep, physical touch was my primary love language). I didn't expect much more. You may also have to accept that you can't solve them all. To quote an old phrase, it's the thought that counts. Honestly, I think the bigger problem is like Abe mentioned; it comes later when it's been a year+ and you don't even think about it anymore. But I made that point earlier. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Betrayed, part of my issue has been that physical touch is a love language for both of us. I am probably overthinking this, but I feel like when I engage him using physical touch that I'm not giving but taking. That I'm doing it for me, not him (whether that's true or not, i worry that he'll feel that way). But I realized the other day that there are other ways around this (that don't involve sex). A massage is a good one. Then I'm giving him something, a true gift, not just filling MY needs. And since acts of service is his other love language, it's double good for him!
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Road, I realized when you posted on one of my other links, that I never got back to you. I apologize for that. I so often post on here using my cell phone, and that's just not great for long posts, especially when I'm using quotes. What have you done to recover your marriage? We have spent a lot of time talking and soul-searching. We always thought that we were great at communicating, but after DDay realized that there were a lot of things we hadn't really expressed H says that I feel different now, that he can tell I'm more committed. He says that it's very frustrating for him, that now that I love him the way he always wanted me to, there's an emotional distance between us on his end, due to the A. I'm not sure if we're in HB exactly, or if it's the result of our conversations. H has always had a lot of sexual reservations and desires that he has never discussed with me. And even though I've always been very open, I get very shy sometimes in this department, so things sometimes go undiscussed. A lot of these boundaries are gone now, including subtler things, like H never allowed PDA before, which hurt my feelings. Now he does, and we've found that we both like it. (we don't gross anyone out or anything). We've tried to spend more quality time together. Our relationship is so based on liking to talk to each other that we often ONLY do that. We have been making a much more concerted effort to get out and do things together, to make NEW memories, vs just sitting at home and watching a movie or talking (We still do that too). I am a very self-focused person, and I've been working on getting out of myself. I've been working on listening more and trying to think more about others' needs. I've been trying to sit back a little more in conversations. I've been trying to communicate my needs when I have them instead of expecting H to figure out what's important to me. I've been spending more time trying to meet H's needs and think about what he wants and what I can do for him. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. How did your BH find out? He was getting more jealous and suspicious as time went on. I started to pull away from him, he said, about two months before DDay, which would've corresponded very closely with when the A moved from fooling around into full-blown sex. He confronted me, but I denied things. The day before DDay OM and I were have a conversation/minor argument because I was being a bit emotional. I woke up in the middle of the night (5 AM) and wasn't sleepy. I texted OM thinking he'd get back to me in the morning, but knowing there was a chance he'd be up. He texted me back immediately. H woke up and saw his name on the screen. He asked me what I was doing and I gave a bs answer. H immediately realized something was going on. The next day we had a big blow-out and I texted OM to end it (a break, not true NC). OM deleted our texting app and so did I, but we had a short conversation via regular text about deleting the app. OM checked my phone later and found the conversation. I denied everything, but once he knew the name of the app, he searched my e-mail via my phone. I had emailed myself a transcript of some of our earlier conversations on that app and H found it and forwarded it to himself. The next day while I was at work, he read it, then started texting me at work and called OM and told him "If you ever valued our friendship, you better get over here now." (OM was H's best friend) I came home and OM and H were still there. H had gotten OM to admit we were sleeping together, but OM lied about the details. He confronted us both together. How did the affair end? see above. For the first few months, I was worried that OM would just consider this a break because of our conversation the day before, but he has never contacted me, so by now I'm pretty sure he won't contact me again. How did you meet the OM? He was H's best friend and best man in our wedding. I know. How does your BH know that NC is not being broken? Yes. I've been upfront with him about my struggles getting over AP too, so he knows both that I struggled with this and that I'm struggling with it less these days. IS the OM married, GF, does she know that the OM cheated on her. Long term GF. Yes. My husband knows her from college. He gave AP a day to tell her, then called her and talked to her to make sure she got the whole story.
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 As I expected, H is triggering hard this week. It turns out the waterpark itself is NOT a trigger for him, since it had nothing to do with AP, but the date I went there (July 31), is his mile marker for when the affair started (more or less accurate...I don't have a date either), so it has been a big trigger. It's been a rough week. I've tried to just listen and give as much reassurance as possible. One of the days, after a couple hours of talking, I was able to soothe him with a back massage. Yesterday, we got out of the house and went to a restaurant we'd never gone to before. The change of pace helped a lot.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 H and I are 6 months from DDay. My A began almost a year ago. I know this next six months will be hell for H as he thinks about all the 1-yr affair anniversaries. (Eg:is this when they first did __?) As the fWW, how do I help him deal with these triggers? As BS, how did you deal with them? Was it a daily struggle? I'm not a BS, but I think the best thing to do is: let him express what he's feeling, when he's feeling it. If he doesn't express emotions, I'd be concerned. But, however he reacts, whenever he reacts to these triggers, there isn't much you can do; just be there for him. Be patient and understanding, and do all you can to ease any pain or anger he may be feeling. Are you and H is MC? Sorry if you've answered previously. I haven't been around much, as of late.
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Betrayed, the going to bed thing is really hard. This often goes late into the night (1 or 2 AM), and I have to be at work at 7. I get a lot of sleepness nights. But I can't tell him to shut up and let me sleep, because he needs me to be there. Mostly I just try to be there when he needs me, and then I take a nap when I get home from work, if I can.
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I'm not a BS, but I think the best thing to do is: let him express what he's feeling, when he's feeling it. If he doesn't express emotions, I'd be concerned. But, however he reacts, whenever he reacts to these triggers, there isn't much you can do; just be there for him. Be patient and understanding, and do all you can to ease any pain or anger he may be feeling. Are you and H is MC? No, H doesn't want to do it. He thinks we can work through it together. Sorry if you've answered previously. I haven't been around much, as of late. I've noticed. Everything okay?
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I think BetrayedH has given quite a lot of insight on the matter. Even your H may not be sure of his triggers until they occur. I think you did well, by taking his feelings into consideration about the water park. It's probably going to be a longer road still, before things really start turning around. But, I'm sure you can both make it. If he's willing to try, even without MC, that bodes well. As to me not being around much? I was away for a couple of weeks (until this Wednesday) and currently, I'm still working through my own dilemma. Don't worry, I'll make a thread on it. I do appreciate your concern, though.
Recommended Posts