My not coping thread

[Hoaks]

Hi all

 

I am really struggling, and writing things down seems to be the only thing that gives me a small amount of comfort.

 

I cant believe how much I miss my ex, after all the lying and using. It has been 24 days NC and I just want to reach out more than ever. I feel like sending a letter to her but I know it wont do any good. She does not care and is happier not having me to worry about.

 

I have taken the day off work, I thought I would be starting to ferl better, but I am getting worse.

 

I know there are deeper issues with me that I am trying to work through with my therapist. I think this situation with her has triggered these issues. It was around this time of nc after our last breakup that she reached out. I find myself waiting for that contact instead of moving on

 

Mornings are the worst, I wake up and the first thing I wait for is that sick feeling to start, its there every morning. Then the rest of the day is a struggle.

 

I just miss her so much, and feel like I need to keep some sort of a journal. I'm sorry but I am not sure how to link my old thread in thiss one.

[The Situation]

There really is no easy way, I'm afraid.

 

I can completely understand your feelings of sickness and struggling in the mornings. It's been three months since my break-up, and I last saw my ex last month by accident. The fact is my heart still aches when I'm home, and when by myself all I think about is her. While I have no words of wisdom, I sympathise, so I hope knowing you're not alone helps in some way.

 

Therapy and counselling helps to an extent, in that you let all your thoughts out on someone who isn't emotionally attached, but it doesn't fix anything. That's something you'll build yourself, albeit very slowly.

 

You shouldn't have taken the day off work, though. You'd have felt slightly better had you gone, as being home and thinking about it will drive you mad.

 

If you contacted her, how do you think she'd feel?

 

As the folks here always say: keep going. The sickness feelings will go eventually, but you'll just have to 'exist' for a while until the shock goes, which can take ages. Also, stop counting the days! Tallying doesn't help!

[Hoaks]

There really is no easy way, I'm afraid.

 

I can completely understand your feelings of sickness and struggling in the mornings. It's been three months since my break-up, and I last saw my ex last month by accident. The fact is my heart still aches when I'm home, and when by myself all I think about is her. While I have no words of wisdom, I sympathise, so I hope knowing you're not alone helps in some way.

 

Therapy and counselling helps to an extent, in that you let all your thoughts out on someone who isn't emotionally attached, but it doesn't fix anything. That's something you'll build yourself, albeit very slowly.

 

You shouldn't have taken the day off work, though. You'd have felt slightly better had you gone, as being home and thinking about it will drive you mad.

 

If you contacted her, how do you think she'd feel?

 

As the folks here always say: keep going. The sickness feelings will go eventually, but you'll just have to 'exist' for a while until the shock goes, which can take ages. Also, stop counting the days! Tallying doesn't help!

 

Thankyou for the reply, i was on my way to work but actualy felt really ill. More than usual. I need a new job, she used to work with me at my job and everything reminds me of her there.

 

I am not sure how she would feel if i contacted her, probably frustrated and a bit angry i guess. Which upsets me because i always treated her well.

I feel lonely, i don't have alot of friends and my 3 best mates are all in solid relationships, i feel like i have missed the boat a little.

 

Just a horrible way that it ended, i should be hating her, instead i just feel weak and miss her And ok, i will start by not counting the days anymore.

[Hoaks]

Ugh, On my way back from the site today, i saw her car parked out the front of a house. I think this was where her ex lived before me I am not sure but i can remember driving with her down that road and she pointed out one of the houses where she thought he was staying.

 

I really wish i did not have to see that today, its like looking on facebook and seeing a photo of them together. It sucks, set me back a bit.

 

This is so so hard. I hate it that she lives in the area i work.

 

Not that its my business anymore but i cant believe she may have gone back to that slime ball. This guy is nuts, threatened me, her and her family when she was with me. Smashed windows at my companies office. A total deadbeat. THis is hard rejection to take if she is back with that low life

[Legatus]

Rejection is always hard, but if he is what you say - then eventually she'll see it too.

 

You should not be interested in what she's doing at all. You have to think about yourself and only yourself.

 

If you don't have many friends - well there's a task for you - "How do I make new friends?" Think about it, find new ways to engage with people, talk to them but don't expect anything. It's a double win - it will occupy your time, thoughts and you'll find new people to be around!

[Hoaks]

Arrgghh, i caved . After some of the replies i have told people on here, i did not take my own advice. I feel so week and dumb right now. Yesterday i rang her house phone, i just wanted to hear her, and say hello, catch up. I don't know why, i felt like a different person yesterday. So i got voice mail and left a message "if you want to call to catch up, give me a call, no dramas. If not all good".

 

And now today, i don't even want to talk to her, but i am am still thinking this is going to hurt again when she does not call. I don't know what i was hoping to gain from it. After a month i just cant move on properly. I am sick of seeing her car parked around different spots.

 

2 massive mistakes i have made, getting back with her when she was most likely seeing her other ex at the same time, and trying to contact her again.

 

I need to start NC again i guess, i have no choice. She does not give a crap about me so why do i care? She is happier with her big social network she has got now. I should have deleted her home number a long time ago.

Now she will feel guilt free, a ego boost for her, and she will be happier.

 

I miss the girl i thought she was sooo much :(

[Xiphias92]

Arrgghh, i caved . After some of the replies i have told people on here, i did not take my own advice. I feel so week and dumb right now. Yesterday i rang her house phone, i just wanted to hear her, and say hello, catch up. I don't know why, i felt like a different person yesterday. So i got voice mail and left a message "if you want to call to catch up, give me a call, no dramas. If not all good".

 

And now today, i don't even want to talk to her, but i am am still thinking this is going to hurt again when she does not call. I don't know what i was hoping to gain from it. After a month i just cant move on properly. I am sick of seeing her car parked around different spots.

 

2 massive mistakes i have made, getting back with her when she was most likely seeing her other ex at the same time, and trying to contact her again.

 

I need to start NC again i guess, i have no choice. She does not give a crap about me so why do i care? She is happier with her big social network she has got now. I should have deleted her home number a long time ago.

Now she will feel guilt free, a ego boost for her, and she will be happier.

 

I miss the girl i thought she was sooo much :(

 

 

Well now...reading about your situation is tough, but like others and me - nobody had/has it easy as well.

 

You still care because you feel betrayed, rejected, hated + love all in one drink.

 

So she went with the low life ex?

Boom. Done. Her loss right there. She has nothing to do with you so please don't concern yourself about what she does anymore. Now you have the upper hand to work on yourself and be the better person, plus do things you have always wanted to do or even the things you set aside.

 

I'm sure you're bound to find someone better in due time, for now cry yourself out one last time and slowly progress forward. Don't look back! It's time you get yourself a slice of happiness!

 

Good luck, and Godspeed recovery!

[onearthur]

Hey Hoaks,

 

Like Xiphias92 said you need to focus on you, you & you.

 

Eventually as the time passes you will learn to live again and perhaps can even maintain a basic level of friendship with your ex.

 

I was in NC for 6 months with my ex before we both agreed to stay in touch and not loose out on being friends (she was one of my best friends before she cheated on me).

 

I couldn't be friends with her when it happened, but, over time I was able to regain my strength and confidence to realise it wasn't my fault and sometimes things just happen in life that you have to learn to accept.

We all make mistakes - she was deeply sorry for cheating - and the key is to learn and rebuild, not dwell and destroy.

 

“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”

― Bruce Lee

 

Hope that helps, do keep us posted!

 

Well now...reading about your situation is tough, but like others and me - nobody had/has it easy as well.

 

You still care because you feel betrayed, rejected, hated + love all in one drink.

 

So she went with the low life ex?

Boom. Done. Her loss right there. She has nothing to do with you so please don't concern yourself about what she does anymore. Now you have the upper hand to work on yourself and be the better person, plus do things you have always wanted to do or even the things you set aside.

 

I'm sure you're bound to find someone better in due time, for now cry yourself out one last time and slowly progress forward. Don't look back! It's time you get yourself a slice of happiness!

 

Good luck, and Godspeed recovery!

[Hoaks]

Thankyou Xiphias92 and onearthur,

 

I just cannot hate her, i think i have forgiven her for everything already

I do hope i can get on speaking terms with her again, right now i don't know if she is feeling too much guilt to not want to talk to me, or if she is trying to remain "faithful" to her new guy.

 

I will have to leave it alone now, Its just those words that keep going through my head "i can not see how i could ever hurt you again" and "We will be together forever", don't tell me that stuff if you are not meaning it.

 

She is selfish and her father told me its his fault, that is the way he has brought her up. She looks after herself. So how can i be in love with someone like her? This sucks.

 

But thankyou to everyone for the support through this, i love this place.

[Darren Steez]

2x4

 

What exactly do you miss? Being lied to? Disrespected? Degraded? If someone walked up to you in the street and smacked you hard on the face, you look up and it's a beautiful woman, would you forgive them? Would you ask them to smack you again? Take love out of it. Take feeling out of it. Now look at what she has done to you..what exactly is it, that you miss or want back in your life?

 

Truth is she's detached and is banging someone else now. You fawning over her and calling her is only stroking her ego but also making you look extremely weak in her eyes. She doesnt feel guilt, only a sense of pity. Stop being a victim, come to terms with what happened and move forward with your life.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but there's only so long you can cry about stuff, after a while it becomes a hindrance to progress.

[Hoaks]

2x4

 

What exactly do you miss? Being lied to? Disrespected? Degraded? If someone walked up to you in the street and smacked you hard on the face, you look up and it's a beautiful woman, would you forgive them? Would you ask them to smack you again? Take love out of it. Take feeling out of it. Now look at what she has done to you..what exactly is it, that you miss or want back in your life?

 

Truth is she's detached and is banging someone else now. You fawning over her and calling her is only stroking her ego but also making you look extremely weak in her eyes. She doesnt feel guilt, only a sense of pity. Stop being a victim, come to terms with what happened and move forward with your life.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but there's only so long you can cry about stuff, after a while it becomes a hindrance to progress.

 

Coming to terms with what happened is what is stopping me i think.

I know that is the truth, and i also realise her feeling any guilt is unlikely. I was thinking back to how she treated her ex when she got with me. All his begging texts she thought were pathetic, and kept saying to me me, why cant he move on?? I thought the same thing, but he couldnt move on because she never gave him any closure, just ignored him.

 

So many red flags i ignored. But i cant help missing her, and am not fighting that. I just need the time. I keep wondering if i can or will ever look at another girl as relationship material. Wonder if i will ever feel like wanting to dedicate myself to anyone again, if i was lucky enough to meet a nice girl again.

 

But thankyou for the harsh truth i need to keep telling myself.

[Darren Steez]

Coming to terms with what happened is what is stopping me i think.

I know that is the truth, and i also realise her feeling any guilt is unlikely. I was thinking back to how she treated her ex when she got with me. All his begging texts she thought were pathetic, and kept saying to me me, why cant he move on?? I thought the same thing, but he couldnt move on because she never gave him any closure, just ignored him.

 

So many red flags i ignored. But i cant help missing her, and am not fighting that. I just need the time. I keep wondering if i can or will ever look at another girl as relationship material. Wonder if i will ever feel like wanting to dedicate myself to anyone again, if i was lucky enough to meet a nice girl again.

 

But thankyou for the harsh truth i need to keep telling myself.

 

Nobody likes feeling like dirt. It's hard but everytime you start thinking about her, think about what you need to do to move forward. What you need to do to progress.

 

Don't be fooled for a minute and think she's got it easy. She's with someone, that takes her mind of the issues she has to deal with and she will deal with them once she's alone. Lucky for you you get to deal with your issues now and move forward.

 

As for other girls. It will happen, your antennae will always be up but the lessons of life have been learned and that person will have to earn your trust, as you must theirs. Good luck.

[Hoaks]

Hi guys,

 

Just on my way to work and needing to vent a little. Mornings are still terrible for me, she is the first thing I think of . Why I am missing someone like her is doing my head in.

 

I just keep thinking she will call to apologise, or check up. But nothing, she never cared.

 

The medication I am on is helping a little, cuts out some anxiety and makes me calmer. It's almost 5 weeks NC on her part, and one slip up for me. I feel like I want her at least as a friend and not out of my life completely. I know she is probably with someone else and maybe that is selfish of me?

 

I don't know, I just feel like a crazy person. I saw my therapist last night which was good. I know there is not much more anyone can tell me or do for me.

 

I just miss her, still care for her

Just venting guys, I know I need to move on, I have been told a thousand times. But never by her.

[Hoaks]

Just a update for me, more of vent to get things of my chest. Just over 5 weeks NC I think. Apart from that one slip up.

 

Miss her like crazy still, but am feeling a lot better. No good days yet, but the bad ones are a lot less bad.

 

Am I crazy for wanting her to give me a call or a email? I can't work out why I want to hear from her. Probably would let me know that all of what we had was not fake.

 

Is she happier? Does she miss me at all?

 

I am trying to focus on myself, been going back out with a old friend and catching up with family. Still a massive hole left in my life.

 

Sometimes I have anger and hate towards her, but mostly I am missing her. Missing a lying cheater. Self esteem is obviously way too low.

[Hoaks]

Wow, I just can't seem to move on from this . I thought after 2 or so months I was making slow progress. Even though I think about her and the relationship all day every day, the pain and hurt was starting to die a little.

My work mate told me today that he saw her getting petrol in the morning. She said hello to him (she worked with him too) and he said hello and kept walking. Why do I feel like crap from hearing this? I feel so broken still. Miss her like hell and am thinking why couldn't it have been me to bump into her. I usually stop at that service station every morning at that time but for some reason I drove straight past it today.

 

I feel like this is never going to end. Is this just a speed bump and I will be back on track again in a day? It really hurts to think I will never speak to her again. The fact that she has not reached out kills me, and it shouldn't.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself and need to be stronger, but I feel so defeated and weak. She is happy, relieved and moved on long ago. My brain knows all this but my heart won't listen.

I just did not want to hear anything about her unless she told me herself. I wish my mate didn't tell me that, he should have known better.

[redkangaroo]

If I can give you a piece of advice here is what helped me.

1. Total NC

2. Posting to this forum

3. Tried to occupy myself with something, anything, watching movies and reading didn't work as I distracted to thoughts about that girl all the time. Try communicating with people, one of my favorites.

4. St john's wort, very good and not addictive drug, google it.

5. Log your progress, you will notice that in a month you will feel better.

 

NC is a must, you can't achieve anything without it. No calling, messaging, watching her fb profile, nothing. In two-three months you will stop believing she exists.

[His]

To read your journey is heart wrenching. One day you will be ok, but man oh man does it hurt in the meantime.

[Hoaks]

Ugh, really fighting myself right now. Want to send another letter to her . I know that it will do nothing but hurt me more. I just need that fix.

 

I am working today at a private landscape job for cash. Still my mind is racing while I'm here.

 

I still love her but hate her at the same time. Have to be strong with this NC though.

 

Thanks to everyone for the support through this.

[Hoaks]

Update here guys.

 

I spoke to her today, i saw her at the shops. Was a very cold conversation. She said she was about to contact me again, that enough time had passed.

She said she would email me . She was in a rush and looked terrible. I just asked if she got my letter i sent her 5 or so weeks ago and she said she did. And wants to email me. I just asked her about her job and and said have a good day and walked off.

 

Now, i am not sure how i feel about this, i know she has no interest in talking to me again, the email was a blow off line. i was initially very upset when i left. But now i am not sure, just blank. Can and should i want to be friends with her? I dont think so, i am not over her, and i think she could detect that.

Maybe i only feel ok right now because i am typing all this out. I could see it in her face that she does not have one ounce of care for me at all and has not missed me. She was smiling alot though, and looked back at me to wave again when i left.

 

Why i am not hating this girl i do not know, she lied, cheated (although i think she was cheating on someone else with me, i have no idea), treated me like crap. Very dishonest girl.

 

Was weird because last night i had a terrible sleep, i think i had like 10 little dreams about her and woke up at the end every time. i had not dreamed about her for a long time. Part of me thinks i should have let her have it today, abused her, made her feel like crap, but another part of me thinks i handled it well. Walked away with a little dignity, not like the last time i saw her.

 

I wonder how i am going to feel in a few hours.

[Hoaks]

Just thought I would write on here instead of doing something stupid and writing to her.

Having a very average morning, feel sick, tired, depressed and really missing her today.

 

I can't even remember how long it's been since we split now. Coming up to 2 and a half months I think. Been a week since I bumped into her but it feels like a month to me.

 

It really is one of the worse feelings when you want to talk to someone but they don't want anything to do with you. I never received a email from her, so another lie right to my face. I didn't expect anything so I am not surprised.

 

I thought I was getting to the stage where I could know about who she is really with and not care. Not the truth though.

 

I often think what would I be like if she wasn't abusive and lied. What if she didn't call me names and just split up with me. Wonder how much worse I would be. I really should have hate with her, I just can't though.

 

I am talking to this other girl, she is into me and I feel sorry for her because I'm so not over my ex. It's good to talk to her but I really don't feel anything.

 

I hope karma visits her soon though, not for breaking up, that's her right. But for the way she went about it. Heartless, cold, lying and hurtful right to the end.

[No_closure]

hey, i read your entire thread and you have been through A LOT! I feel so horrible for you and everyone else going through this. I, myself, am in a situation. I am married though and he flat out walked out on me, no reason, just said he was stressed and that everything would be ok.

 

I have no idea if it was cheating, I can only speculate but this was almost 2 weeks ago. I am trying to figure out the divorce process and it is SO painful. This is a guy I thought I knew, who was sweet and kind and my soul mate, or so I thought. All I can think about is him with some other girl and being happy and it KILLS me but I know I have to move on.

 

A big part of me HOPES that he will contact me soon and realize what he's done but at the same time, that's wishful thinking. I have had NC for 1 week until today I wrote him a long email and at the end asked if we could be civil and work out the divorce.

 

Still haven't heard nothing, he is angry and a coward.

 

I know how you feel though that no one is going to love you ever again. It honestly feels that way but we HAVE TO HAVE HOPE! If we found this person, we can find another. It kills me so bad inside though.

[Hoaks]

hey, i read your entire thread and you have been through A LOT! I feel so horrible for you and everyone else going through this. I, myself, am in a situation. I am married though and he flat out walked out on me, no reason, just said he was stressed and that everything would be ok.

 

I have no idea if it was cheating, I can only speculate but this was almost 2 weeks ago. I am trying to figure out the divorce process and it is SO painful. This is a guy I thought I knew, who was sweet and kind and my soul mate, or so I thought. All I can think about is him with some other girl and being happy and it KILLS me but I know I have to move on.

 

A big part of me HOPES that he will contact me soon and realize what he's done but at the same time, that's wishful thinking. I have had NC for 1 week until today I wrote him a long email and at the end asked if we could be civil and work out the divorce.

 

Still haven't heard nothing, he is angry and a coward.

 

I know how you feel though that no one is going to love you ever again. It honestly feels that way but we HAVE TO HAVE HOPE! If we found this person, we can find another. It kills me so bad inside though.

 

Im sorry you are going through that, yes they love to go silent dont they. Too selfish and gutless to face anything. Its much easier to just pretend we never existed.

 

I have a small amount of hope that i will find someone. But at the moment, i cant help but feel maybe my whole relationship was fake. I feel that she may have been just using me the whole time. Partying on nights i didnt see her and having me there for financial support. I will never know though, so i have to try and forget about that. It is a shot to the self esteem and confidence to be thinking like that though

 

I hope for your sake, your husband will contact you and sort things out with you. Nothing worse than being ignored, especially from someone who you thought loved you.

 

The forum is here for you

[Johnny1983]

 

Nothing worse than being ignored, especially from someone who you thought loved you.

 

Yup, being ignored... what a bummer, Cowardly people i tell you, careless about you. no communication is communication, a least to them that is. And to them, why should they give a flying..... So walk away. that's pay back.

 

What goes around comes around eventually same will happen to them or as already did.

[No_closure]

Im sorry you are going through that, yes they love to go silent dont they. Too selfish and gutless to face anything. Its much easier to just pretend we never existed.

 

I have a small amount of hope that i will find someone. But at the moment, i cant help but feel maybe my whole relationship was fake. I feel that she may have been just using me the whole time. Partying on nights i didnt see her and having me there for financial support. I will never know though, so i have to try and forget about that. It is a shot to the self esteem and confidence to be thinking like that though

 

I hope for your sake, your husband will contact you and sort things out with you. Nothing worse than being ignored, especially from someone who you thought loved you.

 

The forum is here for you

 

I honestly know how you feel about being used. My husband supported me financially but I felt used in other ways like trying my best to be a good wife and then for him to drop me like a fly. Also, my parents gave us ALOT of money before he dumped me and he took advantage of that.

 

None of us who are going through this will EVER understand why. And that is what kills us. I am so scared for the future if I find love again because I have witnessed how you think you know someone and then BOOM, out of nowhere they have changed.

 

Was this your first relationship? It was mine and his.

[No_closure]

Yup, being ignored... what a bummer, Cowardly people i tell you, careless about you. no communication is communication, a least to them that is. And to them, why should they give a flying..... So walk away. that's pay back.

 

What goes around comes around eventually same will happen to them or as already did.

 

I am a strong believer of what goes around comes around. But at the same time I feel like in my situation, I got the short end of the stick and he gets to walk away and be so happy. I will never know and I don't want to know.

 

I wish someone could take all our pain away and the thought of them. Wy can't we stop thinking about the people who have killed us?