Lex.R Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 My boyfriend and I first met at school - he was in the year above with one of my brothers but we didn't talk much, we kind of mixed in different circles. I then met him 6 months ago (im 19 now) when I was at an athletics competition (I do heptathlon) and he was there to support his little sister who does long jump. Anyway we got talking I stayed to watch his sister do her jump, we went out for dinner after and to cut a long story short he's now my boyfriend. Im incredibly happy with him he's amazing guy, he's sweet, funny, supportive he's just great but he does make these throw-away comments to me or other people like "dunno what your doing with me", "your out of my league" etc I tend to tell him not to be stupid, and that i love him, but it annoys me cause i just don't understand why he does it. When we first got together he wouldn't do as much as put his arm round me without me initiating it - but he is quite shy and wasn't that experienced in relationships so I wasn't bothered, and over time he's relaxed / got more comfortable - but occasionaly other people make comments about the fact we're together (which really annoys me because its none of there business what so ever) I mean I know there just messing about, but I know I stays with him hence my friends & brothers know better than to ever make jokes along those lines but I cant control what other people we know say - and when they make a comment or joke like that he gets really distant and wooden with me - he'd deny that but he does. I know hes not stereotypically model good looking, but then you'd probably say my last boyfriend was that and he was a complete jerk, so who even cares. And in no way at all is he bad looking - im sure know one ever put him down on his looks before we started dating which makes me feel really bad - I wish people would just live and let live, its not like im bloody Cheryl cole - I wish I was!! He dropped out of school at 16 when dad died and works as a painter & decorator/gardener to help support his mum & sister, I know his boss thinks the world of him - he's reliable & a quick learner. What I'm, trying to say is he's a great guy but the comments he makes about "the perfect girl with the not so attractive boyfried" really bug me, I really see a future with this guy, but does he honestly see me as that shallow, or that I care what people think that much? Like surely he knows me better than that by now! Im his girlfriend - I should be the one person he feels comfortable around but it dosnt matter how many times I tell him not to be ridiculous, im with him because I love him, we still go round in circles! And how longs he gonna keep saying stuff like this? on our wedding day? when our kid leaves for uni? its ridiculous? Or am i being unreasonable & overreacting, should i just take the complement and shut up complaining? Aside from these comments he's very quietly confident in himself and has a pretty positive, black & white attitude to life.
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 As someone with a bad self esteem (my entire life), I would say that his comments are about HIM and his personality and not you or what he thinks you would do. I promise. 5
Author Lex.R Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 As someone with a bad self esteem (my entire life), I would say that his comments are about HIM and his personality and not you or what he thinks you would do. I promise. I've just never had to deal with this kinda thing before - my ex's have, if anything been arrogant prats - but I want him to be comfortable around me. you know what I mean? I don't like seeing him put himself down like that.
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I'm the female version of him and also have some body dysmorphic issues. I would be sure not to say anything to the effect of how he feels and be sure to encourage him, but truth is it probably won't change the mental image that he has in his head of himself. 2
Shepp Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Okay, 1) I don't think he thinks your shallow. 2) other people making comments can't be helping his self esteem....how do u react to people saying stuff like that. 3) logic isn't contagious, enthusiasm is - I get it's hard not to get tired of reassuring someone but you have to do it enthusiastically to help him believe it!
BradJacobs Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 He lacks confidence in himself. You can either try to help him change by coaching him up or you can accept who he is. There is a price to pay for safety and that's what you're bumping up against right now. 1
gaius Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 In a way he is comfortable around you. Sharing his insecurity on the topic. It's probably just something you're going to have to put up with if you want to stay with him. I doubt it will stop anytime soon. The comments from other people most of all. There are social penalties for an attractive woman who decides to date a high school drop out who isn't that good looking.
Ryan_Talon Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 There is a price to pay for safety and that's what you're bumping up against right now. There are social penalties for an attractive woman who decides to date a high school drop out who isn't that good looking. ^ this! You want me to be honest? Reading between the lines of your post, particually other people making comments about he fact your together I'm going to assume that your a very attractive girl and he is not so much. In which case he's right, isn't he? He's got ever reason to feel he's punching above hs weight if the reality of it is he is! So I'm not really surprised he feels insercure. This is your choice isn't it? In your words your ex was model good looking but a jerk, this guy the safe option no? It's what people will assume, it's may even be what he assumes. I think (and I am assuming things here but I'm assuming them based on your post) I think you probably could aim higher, but with that comes the higher risk that you could get hurt, if you choose a guy a bit down the pecking order he may well idolise you but 9/10 he'll feel insercure. I'd feel insercure If the Girl I was dating was blatently a better catch than me - you can dress it up anyway you want but that's he cold hard truth.
Author Lex.R Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 2) other people making comments can't be helping his self esteem....how do u react to people saying stuff like that. something along the lines of "Hey i know you're just joking around but these comments really annoy me. I love my boyfriend and i'm sorry but as long as we're happy our relationship isn't anyone else's business" 3) logic isn't contagious, enthusiasm is - I get it's hard not to get tired of reassuring someone but you have to do it enthusiastically to help him believe it! Yeah that makes sense, I get that!
Author Lex.R Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 In a way he is comfortable around you. Sharing his insecurity on the topic. yeah I guess you could look at that way It's probably just something you're going to have to put up with if you want to stay with him. I doubt it will stop anytime soon. The comments from other people most of all. There are social penalties for an attractive woman who decides to date a high school drop out who isn't that good looking. Its not so much that I care what other people think/say - I don't, I just care about the effect there comments have on him, and the way he acts around me. If he just believed me that we're solid and what people say doesn't mean anything then I wouldn't care less, lid be like 'let them talk', you know?
Author Lex.R Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 You want me to be honest? Reading between the lines of your post, particually other people making comments about he fact your together I'm going to assume that your a very attractive girl and he is not so much. In which case he's right, isn't he? He's got ever reason to feel he's punching above hs weight if the reality of it is he is! So I'm not really surprised he feels insercure. This is your choice isn't it? In your words your ex was model good looking but a jerk, this guy the safe option no? It's what people will assume, it's may even be what he assumes. I think (and I am assuming things here but I'm assuming them based on your post) I think you probably could aim higher, but with that comes the higher risk that you could get hurt, if you choose a guy a bit down the pecking order he may well idolise you but 9/10 he'll feel insercure. I'd feel insercure If the Girl I was dating was blatently a better catch than me - you can dress it up anyway you want but that's he cold hard truth. Wow, err well I never started dating the guy cause I thought he was safe - im not going to lie I like that hes a 'nice guy' stable, reliable, kind, sweet - those are good things in my book and I don't think he needs to be insecure - im love him, Im not going anywhere - I've always been the one pushing the relationship along, its not like I played hard to get or messed him about, which hands up ive done to other guys In the past!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I think you are in some ways sharing/enabling his insecurity on the mismatch between you. If you're getting feedback to that effect from many different directions all around you, they are reacting to the mismatch being so clear to them. If you look at thousands upon thousands of couples, the really physically attractive ones ARE usually with those who qualify as really physically attractive etc. etc.. Seeing the same things repeat themselves year after year gives the human mind cause to think what it sees that way is 'normal' (just because...). The part where it is nobody else's business isn't significant to that at all. You are not "wrong" in dating him, but what he clearly needs is a sharp elbow or a swift kick in the knee (LOL - I mean that metaphorically, and I'm not advocating violence)... which represents YOU... telling him to drop the loser-ish attitude, for fear of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Motivate him further with something akin to the following: "I'm here, and you're here, and I'm here because I want to be here, but you and I need to move forward from this point together!" (we started 'here', with this perception afloat in and around us that we are mismatched as a couple, but like any couple, we need to be progressing forward as the team that we are! ) PS - Your use of the word ridiculous is further camouflaging the serious and direct message you need to convey (given the very unclear implications of the word) Be direct! You have every right (and responsibility) to communicate clearly and effectively when with your boyfriend, so do it!
krz12 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 yeah I guess you could look at that way Its not so much that I care what other people think/say - I don't, I just care about the effect there comments have on him, and the way he acts around me. If he just believed me that we're solid and what people say doesn't mean anything then I wouldn't care less, lid be like 'let them talk', you know? He's going to feel that way whether he vocally says it or not, until he figures out his own ****.
Author Lex.R Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 If you're getting feedback to that effect from many different directions all around you, they are reacting to the mismatch being so clear to them. If you look at thousands upon thousands of couples, the really physically attractive ones ARE usually with those who qualify as really physically attractive etc. etc.. Seeing the same things repeat themselves year after year gives the human mind cause to think what it sees that way is 'normal' (just because...). I, yeah, I do understand that - my exs probably would fall into that 'really physically attractive' camp, I guess your right I probably went for those guys because that's the norm that's whats expected but It never worked between us. Even my last bf who I was with for the longest, he was a jerk for doing what he did to me but if im being truthful I wasn't devastated as much as embarrassed - we never really got on that well. I grew up with 4 older brothers, close in age to me, and they are and always were my heroes - sure they tortured me when I was little but we were always close and I learnt to be loud & headstrong and I was quite the tomboy growing up, you wouldn't know that now from the outside, so laying it all on the table probably what you see isn't quite what you get with me My ex wanted a girl who'd look nice on his arm and stroke his ego rather than challenging him but that's not me, no way, we we're destined to fail - he irritated me and I am probably quite hard to handle and he wanted a yes-man. And I will always remember when I wouldn't take him back him saying to me that we we never stood a chance cause no one would ever measure up to my brothers in my eyes - and I actually started to believe that till I met Mark. And that's why I don't think we're that mismatched because I get on with him better than I have with any other guy ive dated. And I would always argue that my ex's are far more insecure men than Mark cause they couldn't take a girl with a bit of a tomboy heart. The part where it is nobody else's business isn't significant to that at all. You are not "wrong" in dating him, but what he clearly needs is a sharp elbow or a swift kick in the knee (LOL - I mean that metaphorically, and I'm not advocating violence)... which represents YOU... telling him to drop the loser-ish attitude, for fear of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Motivate him further with something akin to the following: "I'm here, and you're here, and I'm here because I want to be here, but you and I need to move forward from this point together!" (we started 'here', with this perception afloat in and around us that we are mismatched as a couple, but like any couple, we need to be progressing forward as the team that we are! ) Yeah, you think that's the way to go? Im never sure if I should just come like straight out with it (which is more me tbh) or if I should just try and reassure him slowly. PS - Your use of the word ridiculous is further camouflaging the serious and direct message you need to convey (given the very unclear implications of the word) Point taken thanks
Author Lex.R Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 He's going to feel that way whether he vocally says it or not, until he figures out his own ****. Its not really his own **** thou, its ours, as a couple, as a team, its our ****. He's not insecure in life or relationships in general, just ours.
Shepp Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 something along the lines of "Hey i know you're just joking around but these comments really annoy me. I love my boyfriend and i'm sorry but as long as we're happy our relationship isn't anyone else's business" This is where my enthusiasm thing comes in. I like logic - but some people don't respond well to that. If he's present then go for it, call them up on it and tell them whats so great about him rather than just telling them the equivalent of 'drop it', y'know?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 ... it very much is OK that you are dating Mark, and you are not inaccurate when describing in general an unappealing trait you find common in the guys more near to you on the attractive scale. It's perfectly OK for different people to date one another (even though it is such a conversation starter for a break-up talk, to begin with "we're just different people" ). I know it would be nice if nobody ever saw skin color, and nobody ever really noticed disabilities... however, isn't it fair to guess that when mixed race couples, or couples comprised of an able-bodied person and a wheelchair-bound person, are together in private, they talk about, and resolve beforehand some of the issues which are bound to come up because of their differences ?? Now perhaps it is far better to have as a main point of concentration what people might think than to have to consider physical limitations on one side first and foremost. But I say that if you're so content with being that close to your boyfriend, you can take a more direct approach today, in the interest of smoothing out the threat of snowballing insecurities and their impact over time. Look ahead many years, and visualize where you want to be in terms of shared comfort with Mark, and then trace that back to the present, and take the active role in steering the two of you toward the place where you want to be together. As with any mapped plan, the small adjustment you need to do in July of 2013 to be solidly on course is but a fraction of what you'd need to recover come January of 2019. Today it is the equivalent of getting your tires realigned. Down the road you'd need a complete engine overhaul. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 something along the lines of "Hey i know you're just joking around but these comments really annoy me. I love my boyfriend and i'm sorry but as long as we're happy our relationship isn't anyone else's business" This sort of reaction comes across as a concession to me... Like not refuting what they say or giving any attitude back- i.e. "F*ck you, he's my man and I think he's sexy". But instead just going "well yeah, but we're happy so who cares". And I have a feeling that's how he interprets your reactions to his comments. Kind of like Shepp said above. Don't just give him the equivalent of "come on, don't say that". If I were him I would read that as you basically agreeing with me, and just trying to tell me I shouldn't feel bad about it. Instead, tell him you love the way he looks and that you find him irresistible. I mean, say a woman tells her boyfriend "I look fat, how can you be attracted to me?" If he simply responds "come on, don't say that"... imagine what might ensue Obviously what she needs/wants to hear is "no, you look amazing baby, i can't stay away from you". 2
kassy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 My friends now joke that I have the strangest taste in men, they are all great guys, some have been very hot to the world at large and some I have thought are amazingly hot and well it just seems like I am the minority there. They now don't mention anything If someone made a crack about my boyfriend not being hot (well not the current one since he is unquestionably hot) I wouldn't accept it. I mean can't you say something like, well it's a good thing I'm dating him not you since I think he's fantastic. He is your boyfriend, I assume you think he's gorgeous... Make it known and just don't accept out downs in front of you. I mean imagine how he must feel... You can only say you find him attractive when it's just the two of you.... 1
BradJacobs Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Its not really his own **** thou, its ours, as a couple, as a team, its our ****. He's not insecure in life or relationships in general, just ours. Honey, he's insecure. I've been able to take great risks in life (love and profesionally) because I was secure in the fact that if I failed, my friends and family would still love me. You're dating a high school dropout whose less attractive than you. His insecurities, which are normally under control or suppressed, are all surfacing now. You'll be dealing with this for a long time.
Author Lex.R Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 If someone made a crack about my boyfriend not being hot (well not the current one since he is unquestionably hot) I wouldn't accept it. I mean can't you say something like, well it's a good thing I'm dating him not you since I think he's fantastic. He is your boyfriend, I assume you think he's gorgeous... Make it known and just don't accept out downs in front of you. I mean imagine how he must feel... You can only say you find him attractive when it's just the two of you.... This sort of reaction comes across as a concession to me... Like not refuting what they say or giving any attitude back- i.e. "F*ck you, he's my man and I think he's sexy". But instead just going "well yeah, but we're happy so who cares". And I have a feeling that's how he interprets your reactions to his comments. Kind of like Shepp said above. Don't just give him the equivalent of "come on, don't say that". If I were him I would read that as you basically agreeing with me, and just trying to tell me I shouldn't feel bad about it. Instead, tell him you love the way he looks and that you find him irresistible. I mean, say a woman tells her boyfriend "I look fat, how can you be attracted to me?" If he simply responds "come on, don't say that"... imagine what might ensue Obviously what she needs/wants to hear is "no, you look amazing baby, i can't stay away from you". Yeah okay, point taken! I don't mean for what I say to come across like that but I can see what you mean that it might! I guess I just y'know grew up with 4 brothers all vying to be king of the hill and my exs have all been arrogant prats and I guess im just far more used to telling guys to 'get over themselves' than I am stroking someone's ego. Your right I could respond better cause I don't mean it, I think hes great, I love him, I choose him, and Id choose him over any of my friends boyfriends and I think he's hot - I didn't expect as many people to react the way they have because I don't think he's bad looking at all, think Mike Komisarek with dark hair - he is hot! I mean imagine how he must feel... You can only say you find him attractive when it's just the two of you.... I'm just not one for saying it with words I guess - I've been pushing the relationship physically but maybe I don't do enough verbally! In know way whatsoever am I embarrassed of him or do I agree with him - I always hold his hand or cuddle up to him and kiss him in front of friends and he's the one who goes all red - im just not one to pour my heart out, but I can do better with that, I can do more! Thanks guys!
Author Lex.R Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Now perhaps it is far better to have as a main point of concentration what people might think than to have to consider physical limitations on one side first and foremost. But I say that if you're so content with being that close to your boyfriend, you can take a more direct approach today, in the interest of smoothing out the threat of snowballing insecurities and their impact over time. Look ahead many years, and visualize where you want to be in terms of shared comfort with Mark, and then trace that back to the present, and take the active role in steering the two of you toward the place where you want to be together. As with any mapped plan, the small adjustment you need to do in July of 2013 to be solidly on course is but a fraction of what you'd need to recover come January of 2019. Today it is the equivalent of getting your tires realigned. Down the road you'd need a complete engine overhaul. Yeah, thanks, that makes a lot of sense - do what we can to fix it now before it becomes a bigger issue!
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Oh no Lex. I see this as a far worse issue. I think you are this unicorn that dropped into his lap, and he has no idea how you got there or where you came from. What I mean is, he has NO idea how he keeps your interest, or how to keep you. So if anything happens, he would never know what he did wrong. THAT could be why he would think youre settling with him instead of dating the hot guys. People lie, and he could think youre lying about wanting to be with him just to shut him up. (I know youre not) He also doesnt realize that his insecurity and susceptibility to your friends is unattractive, but how can he not when everything in the environment fits the situation? If he isnt in your league, and everyone says he isnt, how can he think otherwise when he doesnt know how he landed you? There are more psychological things going on with your attraction to him that you might not know about, and you wont be able to explain those things to him, so really you will have to support him more aggressively until he learns, if you want this to stop. I was going to say you have to tell him straight up to man up and that his insecurity will push you away, but I dont know if that will help against his belief system. He doesnt know what else will push you away, or what will pull you in. He might think that you are on the fence with dating him anyway, and the next hot guy will pull your attention away, and he has no idea how to fight that. Ive been there, as a clueless boy, and it SUCKS being in the dark about this sort of thing. He needs to fight for himself against your friends though. Anything that he can come up with that is witty will help his self esteem, if he can cleverly shut them up, you can definitely help him with that. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I have the strangest taste in men, they are all great guys... Well see, that's the thing (so says societal stereotypes about women)
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