walapeno Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I can't stop sobbing hysterically! I am 28 years old and I just had my heart broken for the first time. I was in a relationship for a year and a half. And I love him so much and I don't know what I am going to do. We live together and neither of us can afford for the other to move out. And I don't want to lose him completely. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents, I have very few friends and I gave everything I had to this relationship. I feel so alone. We didn't break up because we stopped loving each other. I have been very jealous and he is very independent. 95% of his friends are girls and he even keeps a close friendship with one of exes. And I am too needy. I made him feel guilty if he didn't spend all of his free time with me. I have had this scared feeling throughout our relationship that he didn't really love me as much as I loved him. But on the other hand, we had a really amazing relationship. Our senses of humor are perfect. When we lay together we are constantly amazed at how good we feel together. And I have never cared for some one so much. I'm the one who said the words to break up and he said he didn't want to. But I told him we just weren't in the same place right now. And then he agreed. And when he agreed I felt like my life had just ended. I have literally dedicated every action and thought to him for the past year and a half. And before that I was in an 11 year relationship with a man I WASN"T in love with. So for the first time in my adult life, I am completely alone. We had planned a trip to Boston (where he's from) for Christmes. We had so many plans. Jon was the only person who bought me a Christmes present last year. And now I will be totally alone this year. I just want him to come home one day and say "We love each other, we should be together". And now I'm worried that I was right and he never was in love with me. And that everything I gave was for nothing. I want to hold on to the hope that we will get back together because I love him so much. I don't know if I should move on totally or hold on to hope. I am so scared and sad and lonely and terrified and worried. Am I, was I, a fool?
ltomlinson81 Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Don't hold on to hope, but don't give up, either. If the words came out of your mouth, it means that somewhere inside, you truly did want to break up. Maybe it is for the best at the moment. Take this time to take care of yourself. Make new friends, go out, exercise, pamper yourself. If you keep yourself as busy as possible, you won't feel as miserable. And if you focus your attention on other things, you will gain some clarity and not feel so confused. I did a similar thing as you in my relationship - I put my all into it and my social life suffered because of that. I have taken the time after my breakup to strengthen those bonds with my friends, and it feels good to be getting my own life back. But do yourself one favor, don't contact him for a while. I am currently doing no contact with my ex, but it took me a month after the breakup to do so. I wish I had done it from the start. If I had done it from the very beginning, things would have been a lot less messy. It may hurt, but stay away from him for a while. It really helps in getting over it.
HokeyReligions Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by walapeno I can't stop sobbing hysterically! I am 28 years old and I just had my heart broken for the first time. I was in a relationship for a year and a half. And I love him so much and I don't know what I am going to do. You are going to hurt, but you are going to put one foot in front of the other and live day by day, or even hour by hour for a while, and you will eventualy realize that there is still happiness in your future. We live together and neither of us can afford for the other to move out. That is a tough situation in which many people find themselves. It IS possible to separate your lives even while maintaining a shared residence. And I don't want to lose him completely. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents, I have very few friends and I gave everything I had to this relationship. I feel so alone. Even if you were surrounded by friends and family the 'alone' feeling is going to be there. You may or may not lose him completely - try not to think that far ahead. We didn't break up because we stopped loving each other. I have been very jealous and he is very independent. 95% of his friends are girls and he even keeps a close friendship with one of exes. And I am too needy. I made him feel guilty if he didn't spend all of his free time with me. Whoa! Back the confidence truck up. 95% of his friends are girls! I'd be a bit concerned too -- especially if he maintains a close friendship with one of them. Did he include you when he would hang out with her? A couple in a committed relationship should put their partner first and attempt to include their new partner with their friends and not keep everything totally separate all the time. But on the other hand, we had a really amazing relationship. Our senses of humor are perfect. When we lay together we are constantly amazed at how good we feel together. And I have never cared for some one so much. Who told you that you are too needy? Guilt comes from within -- you didn't make him feel guilty, he allowed himself to feel guilty. No, he shouldn't spend all of his free time with you, just as you shouldn't spend all of your free time with him. It's natural in the beginning of a relationship to do that, but each person needs time away from their partner too. If you realize that you are too needy, you can work on that. And let him know you are working on that---but he can also help you with this. I have had this scared feeling throughout our relationship that he didn't really love me as much as I loved him. It's quite possible that he does not love you to the exclusion of everyone else, but that doesn't mean that his love for you is not as strong or deep as your love for him. Recognizing that not all people are going to feel love at the same level goes a long way toward building and accepting a long-term relationship. In the beginning I know I loved my husband far 'more' than he loved me. Because he didn't love me in the same WAY that I loved him, I thought that his love wasn't enough and it scared me. It took me a while to realize that his love for me was enough and to accept that and honestly be happy. We got dependence and love confused for a while. I depended on him for all of my happiness. That is a huge burden for someone to carry. I thought that was love. He was very independent and didn't depend on me for all of his happiness. I was more the icing on the cake. I thought that meant that I wasn't enough for him. I was wrong and I let myself get hurt over that for a while. I thought that if he didn't depend on me the way I depended on him, then I wouldn't be able to build a permanent relationship (or keep my marriage together). Stop and ask yourself if this might hold true for you. I'm the one who said the words to break up and he said he didn't want to. But I told him we just weren't in the same place right now. And then he agreed. And when he agreed I felt like my life had just ended. Sounds like you were testing him and he didn't give you the answer you wanted. I have literally dedicated every action and thought to him for the past year and a half. This really goes back to my early comment about dependence vs. love. That is a heavy burden for him to carry. And before that I was in an 11 year relationship with a man I WASN"T in love with. So for the first time in my adult life, I am completely alone. We had planned a trip to Boston (where he's from) for Christmes. We had so many plans. Jon was the only person who bought me a Christmes present last year. And now I will be totally alone this year. I just want him to come home one day and say "We love each other, we should be together". And now I'm worried that I was right and he never was in love with me. And that everything I gave was for nothing. I want to hold on to the hope that we will get back together because I love him so much. I don't know if I should move on totally or hold on to hope. I am so scared and sad and lonely and terrified and worried. Am I, was I, a fool? Sit back and really think about the relationship and about yourself. Take a look at the information the <URL removed> website -- there is some information that may help you to see your role in the relationship from his point of view. Learn to communicate -- not just in transmitting your feelings to him, but in receiving what he is telling you about his feelings and how he sees himself in the relationship. Do this is stages. Don't even bring his friends into the conversation for a while. Right now its about the two of you and your relationship. Get your goals, priorities, and fears out in the open first. Good luck.
moon Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 I understand completely what you are saying about being jealous. In my last relationship my ex had a million girls as friends. It drove me completely crazy. My ex also is a bit of an alcoholic and he once told me that when he drinks he can't control himself with women. Seriously I used to go nuts with jealousy. It is not a nice way to live your life at all!!! I can relate. You don't want to seem like some jealous freak, but it seems like the guy is playing with the trust you have for him---this is what my boyfriend did on an hourly basis to me. My boyfriend and I broke up and trust was a big thing in our relationship. I just could not trust him. He can go on and have all the girls that are friends that he wants now and he can keep in touch with all of his ex's for all I care---but I am not going to sit around waiting for a second of his time, just because he has a girl he needs to help with her boyfriend on the line....hello---your girlfriend is right here. But my ex did run off with another woman in the end....so sometimes intuition is right. You need to really ask yourself if you do in fact trust your boyfriend? Really think about it. If the answer if yes, then you are okay. If you can't find a reason to say yes or you just can't feel like you trust him....then I say there is a BIG problem.
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