He is not that into me...

[overseas2004]

I have posted about this guy before. I got the ultimate let down and figured I would share..

 

As I already explained we have been on a few dates and nothing has happened. We see each other sporadically. He calls once or twice a week and we have had about 10 dates. All the dates have been him asking.

 

I finally got up the nerve to ask for a date yesterday. I sent him an SMS in which I said

 

"I want to go to town tonight, are you interested in joining me"

 

His answer: I would love to but I cant, I have an appointment at 5:30 pm, can we do it another time?

 

My answer: No we cant (OK I KNOW, you think I was being a bit extreme but before you jump all over me, I did that to be funny, but I also did it because he did not suggest another date and time)

 

His answer: ??????????????????????????????????

 

I did not respond...

 

He then called me and asked if I was truly pissed or just kidding. I said " a little bit of both".

 

He said "I dont think you are angry at all, I can tell by your voice"

 

I said "I dont think you can tell what I am thinking by my voice, and I dont think you will ever get close enough to me to know what I am thinking by reading my voice".

 

He said " Are you so sure"

 

I said "Yes"

 

He proceeded to ask me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him that I had not decided yet. He did not ask me out for the weekend and I told him I had to go.

 

I have a pretty good idea that he is not that into me. I am frustrated by this truly. If anybody has any insights I welcome them as just reading your posts offers me a lot of help.

 

Thank you so much all of you for helping me get through all the hard times!!!!

[theedge]

Hi there,

 

I have been in that situation as well, but he at least makes the step of asking you out for a next date. In my situation it was all me and it drove me bonkers! As I found out with all of them they weren't in to me.

 

My current girlfriend is totally different on the other hand. Every date she would set up another before that one was over, I have never had that. In your case have you thought of maybe leaving him on the back burner and seek a different person? Don't contact him, make him stew for a while. If he truely likes you he won't wait long and it will make him wonder.

Good luck!

[bluechocolate]

If you believe that he's not interested - then just move on & leave the guy alone.

[overseas2004]

Hey Blue Choclate

 

He was the one asking me out. I asked him out after 10 dates. If anyone needs to be left alone its me. I have had a really hard time in the dating world. I get sick of guys who show half assed interest. I have decided to not contact him again.

 

I just dont know what to do if he contacts me again. Cuz I know he will. But I dont like the way our relationship is unfolding.

 

And I get nervous when he calls. I need the right words from you all... That is why I posted.

[dizi]

When he asked you if you could do it another time, why didn't you say something along the lines of, "Well, I suppose...when would you like to do this?" That would have given him the opportunity to suggest another time and date. Telling him NO instead, and then when he calls you and asks what you're doing that weekend you tell him you haven't decided, that really isn't giving him a clear indication that you WANT him to ask you out!!!

 

"I dont think you can tell what I am thinking by my voice, and I dont think you will ever get close enough to me to know what I am thinking by reading my voice".

 

Do you WANT this guy to get closer to you?? Be nice! I can't recall your other posts- and too tired to look right now , but from what I'm getting from this one, is that he had an appointment at 5:30 and asked if you could do it another time, and you got p*ssed! If he isn't giving you the attention and time that you need, then maybe you should move on. Why do you get nervous when he calls?

[overseas2004]

Sorry if I made it look like I got pissed at him. I admit I was frustrated. I have been dating this guy sporadically for the past month. He calls from time to time and asks me out. Nothing concrete ever happens. We never go out on the weekends. Yet he seems to keep calling.

 

When he wrote me and said that he couldnt make it and said "some other time"? he did not specify when. This is his typical cycle. So when I answered, we cant, I was half joking to be cute, but on the other hand, I got sick of his behavior. For example, he calls me sometimes on friday and asks me what I am doing for the weekend only to NOT ask me out on that weekend.

 

I always tell him I havent decided yet what I am going to do, because that leaves it open. OK? And I feel that this is a green light to him. I have no problems with him having other plans that weekend. I have problems with the "some other time" is followed up by him asking me out on a date at Thursday at 4 pm to go out at 6 that same evening. He doesnt ask me out in advance.

 

I really like him alot and I am very interested in him. But I refuse to get involved in a relationship in which I am not being paid the proper respect from the begginign and where I am being jerked around.

 

As I said, he will call again, and that makes me nervous, because I want to go out with him. But I dont want to be jerked around anymore. And I am a believer that sometimes communication is best understood by taking action. And that is why I behaved as I did. I wanted to cut the bullsh*t.

 

So all I was asking you guys is given the current situation.. what do I do when he calls to see me next time... cuz I know he will.... but I also know that he is and may continue to play games... Is there a way I can turn this to my advantage?

[bluechocolate]

I'm a bit confused as to why you like this guy if he's displaying attributes so soon that you say you don't like.

 

I strongly suspect that how he sets the tone now will be how it is going to be in the future. Usually at the beginning if a guy is really interested he will be more than happy to plan ahead. He'll be more than happy to call you on Monday for a date on Wednesay, then call you on Tuesday for a date on Thursday, etc... Of course people don't always do that because then it looks like desperation but if he's only calling you on the spur of the moment to do something then & there then perhaps you're only convenient to him when his other plans have dropped out.

 

When he calls at the last moment to do something be unavailable. If he can't be bothered to find out in advance when you are, well .......

 

I really like him alot and I am very interested in him. But I refuse to get involved in a relationship in which I am not being paid the proper respect from the begginign and where I am being jerked around.

 

So why involve yourself?

[overseas2004]

I am not going to involve myself... My only question is ... is there any way to turn it around? That is all...

 

Thanks for your advice Chocolate...

[dizi]

Ah, silly-don't be sorry! Now I understand more about your frustration.

 

"I have problems with the "some other time" is followed up by him asking me out on a date at Thursday at 4 pm to go out at 6 that same evening. He doesnt ask me out in advance. " This is when you ask him when "someother time" is gonna happen! Tell him that you'd like some plans. You have a life, he needs an appointment. Don't let him do the "Well, I'll call you" thing. Actually, it sounds like maybe you should carry that advice over to your next guy friend, because:

 

"I really like him alot and I am very interested in him. But I refuse to get involved in a relationship in which I am not being paid the proper respect from the begginign and where I am being jerked around. "

 

I gotta quote this too. You are right. You deserve proper respect, and if you feel you aren't getting it from this guy, don't answer your phone when he calls-if you can avoid him. Sounds like that might be hard for you on the flip-side because there is something about him that you like, and it makes you nervous! Been there.

 

Ugh...so, nothing has happened sexually, right??

[overseas2004]

No he never even touched so much as my hand. We went out on ten dates and he tried nothing.

 

I tried to jump start it by touching the back of my hand to his face one time to tell him that I am cold, but no nothing happened.

 

By the way, he asked me lots and lots of questions during our dates. Questions that were obviously linked to is he interested in being in a relationship with me. And I am 100 % certain that he was attracted to me. He even made numerous comments about how beautiful he found me ....

 

The flirtation was huge too.

 

But no sex. And even if he had tried I wouldnt have allowed him that with his current behavior.

 

So I friggen confused as to what the hell happened here.

 

By the way Dizi ,,, I dont believe in telling them what to do. I believe in being harsh and cutting them off if they dont act properly. Because you either get them to turn their behavior around or.... you get them out of your life before they make too much damage.

 

This is a new pattern of behavior for me so I am here on this site trying to figure out if it works for other people. Does it turn their behavior around? I guess nothing can unless they really like you right? AHHHH who knows?

 

I am kind of down, because I really would have liked it if this one liked me alot. He is attractive and he is smart and he seems nice. Just not nice to me.

[dizi]

K...glad to know it hasn't gotten that far...

 

" I dont believe in telling them what to do. I believe in being harsh and cutting them off if they dont act properly. Because you either get them to turn their behavior around or.... you get them out of your life before they make too much damage. "

 

 

Asking him when exactly "another time" is going to be is not telling him what to do. It is being direct about what you want, and I think that is what your goal is here. But, since he hasn't been acting to your liking, and he isn't doing that for you, then I guess get him out of your life before he does cause damage.

 

"This is a new pattern of behavior for me so I am here on this site trying to figure out if it works for other people. Does it turn their behavior around? I guess nothing can unless they really like you right?"

 

Not all guys can read minds and know exactly how they are supposed to act. Sometimes you have to spell it out, you know? Be direct with what you are looking for. He may also just want a very casual relationship with you. Has he ever explained what he wants with you? Doesn't hurt to ask him what he wants or to tell him what you want. Why hasn't he made a pass at you whatsoever? Have you ever told him that you want him to? I know you really like this guy...communicate, or I guess get him out of your life?

[overseas2004]

I have let him know that I find him attractive. It just hasn't been with words. It has been with eye contact and body language. He has not failed to see this. He knows I like him. He knows why he asked me out. He knows why we have been spending time together. I can guarantee it.

 

And he knows why I touched the back of my hand to his cheek last week.

 

Personally I think he has someone already. I think that is the problem.

 

I really appreciate you guys going back and forth with me. I have really had a hard time with this guy. The attraction to him is immense. I have had alot of sleepless nights over it. Its one of those guys that just takes your breath away and you dont even know why.

 

I am 37 and I have never been married. I have a great career and I think I am attractive or at least have been told so. I used to be more aggresive but in the past few years I have toned it down so that I appear warm and nice to people now. More than anything in life... I want to have a child and to feel what it feels like to have a child with someone you love. I know that there are many more things worse in life than not having this. And sometimes that is comfort to me. But sometimes it cant be a comfort and it will never be really because sometimes the desire I have is larger than my life itself. It has become more important to me to have a family, to feel a little brat running around my legs while I am cooking, crying when I refuse to buy him or her candy, and smiling with chocholate teeth after eating count chokula cerial.

 

Instead what has been happening to me over the past few years is a string of people like this man. And I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. And I better just stop writing before I start crying.

 

Thanks to all of you for your help. Sorry for getting so upset.

[DJ_Dork]

You say he's not that interested yet he asks you out on 10 dates AND YOU DO NOTHING until after the last date to ask him out? Well that's cool, most women are VERY SELFISH and let the man do all the creative dates.

 

You're blowing this out of proportion.

[SoleMate]

I dont believe in telling them what to do. I believe in being harsh and cutting them off if they dont act properly.

Hmmmmmmm.... I think this guy actually IS interested in you, he's probably just slow and/or shy and/or a bit clueless. You have been WAY too harsh in your responses to him, IMO. I agree to some extent that it is nice to let the male make the first moves...but that works best after you have telegraphed to him what moves you are wanting/hoping for him to make. Since his receiver seems to be a bit on the fritz, you may have to turn up the transmission.

 

Sitting there hoping that he will read your mind and act accordingly all too often leads to the result you have described. A nice enough guy, who in his mind no doubt has been paying lots of attention to you, is probably hurt and confused by your nasty cracks and your harsh tone, still keeps trying to be in touch with you! Let's turn the situation around and imagine if HE had been writing to Loveshack:

 

"There's a young woman I am very interested in. I have asked her out 10 times and really enjoy her company tremendously. I would like to try to get closer, to kiss her etc., but I am so afraid that she will make a nasty comment that will destroy me. I don't think she likes me, because of the things she says and also the fact that she has never suggested an outing to me. Well, she did once, but then she immediately turned nasty again after I told her I has an important appointment. I don't know what she wants from me - one day she is so nice, then the next she acts like I've done something horribly offensive. But I don't plan to give up."

 

I think the above scenario is at least 85% likely to be true. Think about that for a while, if you will.

[dizi]

What do you guys do when you go out? What do you talk about? Are you afraid to let him see the vulnerable side of you? That's kind of what I'm getting from you, is that you've been walked on so much, and you've just had it.

 

I want to tell you my story-short form-in hopes that it might inspire you...

 

I had a string of idiot boyfriends just like you. The story you tell reminds me of a guy I saw for a while, EXACTLY! Heck, it could be him...I finally asked him (after he did the same stuff you're talking about) over the phone what he was looking for-a purely sexual relationship? What does he say? Yes. I said, well thanks for wasting my time, you certainly wasted yours! goodbye. I thought he was gorgeous and wonderful and all that stuff. I was crushed. But I was done. After about 2 days of talking myself down, I convinced myself that he wasn't worth a single tear.

I dated a few other idiots after that, similar dopes, too. Never straight forward until you call them on their ****e! And then one day I decided to check out the chat thing on my phone. Long story short, I met a beautiful guy on there-I know, weird. The first night I saw him we only chatted briefly. He just seemed like a really sweet guy. He gave me his email address, but I forgot to write it down. So the next week I got on it and found him! We were both excited. He called me ( he lived a few states away) and for like a month straight, we were hardly ever off the phone with each other. He was a few years younger than me. I told him EVERYTHING. I had nothing to hide. I was being an open book, and it felt good....no pretensions. After a month, I flew him up to visit me. By this time we were great friends. He didn't know what I looked like. I kind of had an idea of what he looked like. 4 years and 3 children later (I'm prego), we're still together. We have so much in common, it's ridiculous. But we wouldn't have figured it out unless we were able to communicate. (Not that through the years we haven't had our ups and downs!)

 

My hope for you is that you will be able to be the sweet person that you are without fears. Men can screw that all up if you let em. I'd like to see you meet a man who shares those same desires, and is able to express that to you. This guy, tho I haven't a clue what you talk about, doesn't sound like the guy I want to see you meet! What it really comes down to is taking the time to think about what you REALLY want in a relationship and from a man. Imagine how you want to feel with this person. Ask yourself the hard questions. Think about the person you want to be with people. When you have come to a conclusion, you will attract the type of people you really want to associate yourself with. I don't think that crying during this process is such a bad thing...it's cleansing and you might need it to heal some past hurts as well. You've been trying to be tough too long. It's exhausting! I know, because I've been there. This guy can hopefully be just about nothing to you in no time if you do this...I know he's gorgeous, but there's more to life, and you know it!!

[melnmojave]

run the other way as fast as you can!!!!!dont look back!!! I am speaking from experience. Something is not clicking and dont get sucked into the challenge of making him give you the attention you want.. if it's trouble from the start it will only get worse and YOU WILL FEEL LIKE CRAP! get the guy who is more enthusiatic..........there are reasons for their lack of enthusiasm - this will affect your self-esteem, it already is..........

[overseas2004]

Thank you for all your replies. They have really helped alot. Although I have to confess that the ones about me being a b*tch... and all are totally UNFOUNDED.

 

I was teasing the guy when I said we cant go out in the future. My conversation with him was playful, and I wanted to give another answer to him besides the typical, ok we can do it some other time. And as some of you did notice, he was not showing the appropriate amount of enthusiasm as he should have if he was really interested. We went out on about 7 dates, but they were extremely sporadic. He would call me to ask me about the weekend, only to NOT ask me out for the weekend. And some of our dates were combined with work trips, so they were convenient.

 

I asked him out just to see if we could clear the air a little bit. By the time, I asked him out we already had not talked or seen each other in four days. Sorry girls, but for those of you who believe that there is a possibility of a real relationship in that kind of start, I think your dreaming. I can tell when somebody likes me and when they are phlegmatic.

 

Anyway, I havent heard from him since that phone call. I hope I do though, because Ive decided I am not even going to pick up the phone. Good riddance to potentially bad rubbish.

[overseas2004]

Hi Dizi

 

Its comforting to hear your story. I am glad that you had a happy end and hope the same will happen to me.

 

What you said about relationships is true. Maybe even you and your guy hit it off better after you met because you had so much time to talk before hand. That is a huge plus.

 

With this guy, we talked alot, we had alot in common. He finally started telling me bits and peices on our last two dates. he mentioned he had a child and that he was divorced, and some other personal details. Last weekend we saw each other twice... Once on Friday, we drove to the coast together, and had drinks on the way. We were just going in the same direction (actually his idea for this date bothered me because it was so convenient). And last Monday we drove back together, this time in the same car and had lunch. We had such a good time, and there was so much chemistry that I felt I had broken the barrier and we would now see each other more than once a week. WRONG!!! By Thursday, we still had not talked. So I SMS'ed him for that date.

 

Guess what? Since he turned my date down... He hasn't called. And contrary to what people are saying on this website about my behavior, I will reiterate that the whole exchange was NOT nasty. It was flirtatious and I was trying to be funny EVEN though I was hurt because he turned me down WITHOUT an alternate proposal for the weekend or some other day.

 

So now, i have decided that in the event he does call, I am not answering. And I think that any woman with common sense, knows when a guy wants her and wehn he is lukewarm.

 

Thanks again Dizzy and so glad you have a little one on the way... May god bless.

[curiousgeorge]

Here you go for what its worth. I am shy but when I really want to ask a girl out .. I do.

 

When I am interested in a girl, I dont even call her and ask her what she is doing for the weekend and not ask her out.

 

Unless you misunderstood, and you said you didn't he is playing with you for some reason. Probably you are right he has someone.

[dizi]

Hey Overseas 2004~

 

I'm sorry that you are disappointed. I think you and I dated the same jerk. Try to remember that he doesn't define your worth. You can be perfectly capable of attracting the right man.

 

About your reaction to him not asking you out -- I don't blame you, and I've done the same thing...trying to get a reaction-something! It doesn't work, unfortunately...you aren't a b*tch. It would've been nice to know what he was looking for from you -- if he could just spell it out instead of you having to find ways to get it out of him. Yeah, I knew that guy...but, I learned to be specific from then on...to talk about it right away, no pretentions. If a guy is into it, he's into it, ya know? While still in the friendship stage, when you aren't into it to the point of getting your heart broken, you can say what you want without having to worry about it. It will give him the chance to expess himself too. If he's not into it, no broken heart. There are some sweeties out there.

 

I am proud of you for deciding not to answer your phone, however tempting it is! The next thing you need to do is take time to think about what it is you really want, and be very specific. How much time are you willing to spend with a SO? What kind of charactaristics do you really like/need? What can you live with/without? Visualize and feel it. Don't start anything with anyone until you know. It will come to you when you're ready. I did this, and it was so worth it. I never thought I could meet someone so much like me. Not that we don't have problems-- boy do we...but he's a doll. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Use this time to think about how you've been treated and how you want to be treated. How it felt and how you want to feel. Cry if you have to. Write stuff down. Most of all, love yourself.

 

Congrats to a new you! I wish you the very best!

Thank you for the well wishes, as well God bless you, too!!!

 

Take care!!!

 

Dizi

[michaeljones]

This guy asks u out 10 times, and on each date he tries nothing on with u.

Have u ever consider that maybe this guy is shy? or has respect for women in general?

Guys cant win, if they try something on they are being too pushy, if they do nothing they are supposedly not interested.

I guarantee you he probalbly thought u were not in the least bit interested in him so he gave up trying.

Hes not treating u with any disespect, in fact u r treating him badly.

As far as body language goes most guys cannot convince themselves that they mean anything.

Im only sayin this coz im in a similar situation with this girl, she gives off all the signs of interest non-verbally, but otherwise i get the impression she doesnt give a damn about me. And more and more each day i just get sick of it and will eventually give up.

Jesus who'd be a man.

 

By the way u want closure, go up to him face to face and say what the hell u think.

[overseas2004]

Hi Mr. Jones

 

Its not just that he doesn't try anything. He doesnt even ask me out unless I call him about work related issues. I have not seen him in more than a week now. I emphasize that everything I said was in a JOKING manner. But thanks...

 

And by the way he isnt shy...

[overseas2004]

I think people dont read carefully.....

 

Thanks for your advice. Its nice to hear someones story end up ok.

[snilljente]

I'm equally confused...I have two guys doing this (same as overseas, but I have kissed the one) right now...One calls anywhere from one to three times per day....but we never seem to get our schedules to mesh to go out...mainly because he can't come when I have asked and he asks at the last minute or is vague...but KEEPS CALLING....and flrting over the phone.....The other one calls and tells me that I have the next four days off (this has been going on for over a month of so)....and then never calls to ask me out.....Friday before Halloween said he would call to let me know about a party...said he would call in the afternoon....but that he might go to Vegas, but would call me either way...calls me at 6:30 pm and said he flew to Vegas "last minute" and is sorry he didn't call sooner...but will be back Sunday...no call Sunday......I figure these guys are just not that into me...so I have stop initiating any contact.....but THEY KEEP CALLING...I agree with Overseas..I can't stand half ass efforts in any area of life...I am picky about who I date, but if I am going to do something, I give 100%...I am not a half ass kind of girl....What do you guys think?