lcwilson29 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Hi. I've done a few posts since my wife asked for a divorce. I accept it, realise it's better for me in the long run and appreciate it was over a long time ago. I've had 2.5 months to soul search so even though it hurts like hell, I accept it. It's financially complicated for a variety of reasons. Very early on in the relationship, I noticed she was keen to distance me from friends and family. It always had to be her friends....my friends were boring, not good for us, too far away etc etc. So, I moved to my wife's town, saw her family, her friends and never had the space (or permission) to develop my own life. Now it's over I'm in a bit of a lonely place. I'm seeing a counsellor and he said this is typical of relationships where one is a narcissist. My life recovery plan involves moving closer to my family. Realistically, this may take up to a year. I'm going to find a new job too economy permitting. So, my problem is living in limbo with no friends, no life and family support some distance away. Knowing that I'll be leaving the town means I don't want to forge friendships here. It would be difficult too as it's a small town, news travels fast and I suspect my wife would have told all sorts of stories about me. Classic narcissist behaviour. Has anyone else been in this kind of limbo? I've been making good progress over the whole divorce issue but the loneliness creeping in has started to knock this back a bit. I've had a really lonely weekend and the thought of months of this is really worrying me. Put it this way..... I'm talking to the pets as though they are humans.....
jf2good Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Limbo sucks but you can do it for a year. Just keep your head up looking for that rainbow at the end. Even in a small town try to make some "weekend" friends to do something even if out of town.
zoobadger Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) I sympathize and feel your pain. The word "permission" says it all. Have you ever seen the movie "The Shawshank Redemption?" After splitting up with my narcissistic wife I felt like an old man released from a fifteen year prison sentence, who is so unaccustomed to freedom, that it's disorienting to perform even the most basic functions without say so from her. As is so often the case on this forum I can't offer advice. But if it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. Edited July 29, 2013 by zoobadger 1
Author lcwilson29 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks for the kind words. It does help knowing there are other people facing the same situation. I really can't believe I allowed this to happen. I thought we'd be together for ever and she convinced me that she was all I needed. That friends come and go but a marriage is a life partnership. It's going to be difficult for 12 months. I'll also have limited means as I may lose my job (again, ling story but we had our own company and she is forcing me out). The thought of perhaps 12 months of loneliness is really scary. My family are doing as much as they can, visiting some weekends, inviting me over. I just really miss close friendship. I'm carrying a lot of grief and regret about 'dropping' my old life. I know most of my friends didn't like her and that she saw them as a threat. I just can't settle. In this small town, I'll be seen as a bad person. She has a long history gas lighting, both her own family, me and her so called friends. I'm almost in house arrest. I don't want to bump into anyone. It's just so crap*y. How can a person who professed to love you then act guilt free and leave you in the ruin of a life that they were the architect of? I know I must accept some blame for allowing it to happen but even so, I'd like to think I would not have done the same to her.
Caldespair Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I wish I had my pets! Same here LC. My sbxw has met with my therapist, and my sbxw is described as a narcissist also. It is tough to start again as the ex has divided me from friends and family. I'm lucky I have solid family and friends, but it us hard to now understand who we are now, without the ex. Good luck a d pm if any inquiries.
Nervous Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hi LC. My wife left me very suddenly nearly 2 months ago. I don't know if she could be described as a narcissist but she certainly didn't apologise for anything at all, felt that she could talk to me how she liked, showed little interest in my friends and family and left blaming me for "everything". She even took our 2 dogs, so I have no living being to talk to in the house. That aside, like you, I've found myself very lonely. I've been tacklng this by visiting my friends and family and I've been going out walking in the country. At night I watch tv or DVDs to pass the time, it does take my mind off the situation. In bed I sometimes take a hot water bottle as my feet get cold and it affords me some comfort. Simple stuff but it seems to work. I have also realised that I don't necessarily want my wife back for company. Earlier my mind was telling me that if she came back all would be great. Now I'm thinking that I just want female company, not particularly my wifes. I also realise that it's too early for this and that searching for the company I want may not be a good idea right now. I need healing time first, if someone comes along I'll be interested but I'll take it easy. The bottom line is there is nothing you can do about the lonliness, it's kind of a catch 22. You want to be with people and when you are, you find you want solitude. I'm in the same pain LC and it's a bad place to be. I hope time and the good advice you get here in the Shack, make you a little more at ease. Best wishes.
Author lcwilson29 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks guys. Appreciate the views. Reaching out on here is definitely helping. I've just got back from solicitors and it looks like I'll also be lumbered with a mountain of debt. It's a double kick in the ba*ls. I don't want to be with her, I just miss company. It's just so hard to accept that there is someone you once loved who is willing to ruin your life at the drop of a hat. I can honestly say that if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't have done the same to her. Even if I had 'officially' instigated the split. I did force the situation though as I was sick of living in an empty marriage. So, one minute I'm feeling better about the split. The next, there's some business, job or financial fallout that knocks me back. It's such a cr*p situation and I feel so gullible, so stupid that I allowed it to happen.
trippi1432 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 One of the hardest things to diagnose is NPD. Biggest reason for that is people with serious NPD typically won't go to a therapist because nothing is wrong with them in their mind, it's everyone else. Both men and women can have NPD; however, everyone has traits of narcissism. There is healthy narcissism (ego of self) and unhealthy narcissism (whereby everyone lives to entertain and serve the narcissist). Where there is a narcissist, there is typically also a co-dependent. Co-dependency can be just as bad as it also attempts to exert a specific type of control over their environment while playing into a narcissist's hands. In the pinned thread, I cited a resource for understanding NPD and Co-dependency as well as articles on healing, empowerment and growth after NPD abuse. The site is for both men and women, anyone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist. In the articles section, there are some very good articles on Empowered Self and Empowered Living. Again, NPD is not gender specific, and while the articles are from a woman who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist, understanding the healing process is significant to both men and women. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce-2.html#post5078998
Author lcwilson29 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks for the link. I'm going to read it straight away.
trippi1432 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Just to note, the articles and the blog are good resources. I've not tried any if re products nor do I think it is necessary to purchase anything there. If nothing else, good to inspire some further discussion in therapy or with yourself when looking at healing inwardly or looking for resources to understand how you got "there". Keep in mind, it's not your job to fix someone, even if you make them aware of the traits.
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