lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Hi, me and my ex boyfriend met when we were 16. We started dating at the end of sophomore year (2011). We would fight about stupid things but we were inseparable for almost two years. We would spend almost every day together. In December of 2012 I made the mistake of fighting with him about something really stupid. He broke up with me and went out with another girl in about a week (no, he was not cheating on me, I promise.) I was devastated. In early January he began talking to me again and asked me to hang out and with hesitation, I did. He told me he messed up and he wanted me back, so I gave him another chance. At first even after they had broken up he refused to take it off facebook for about a week. That was one thing we began fighting about. Soon we began to be on and off and I made the mistake of having sex with him these times. We have been on and off since then trying to make it "work" but each time something blows up and he says he's done. I am so heartbroken and completely in love with this guy, and he can't go more than two weeks without talking to me (this is something I have observed over the course of this time) The past two days we've been hanging out and we were agreeing to see each other as friends, but he knows that I still love him and want to be with him. Last night we hung out and he told me that I need to move on and that he wants to move on and start something new. (we are going to college in the fall but local colleges) I really, really need help. I am completely infatuated with this guy, please don't tell me i'm young I know that i am in love with him, and i truly feel like if we weren't meant to be together we wouldve stopped talking 8 months ago like normal exes do. Please, please someone give me some advice or anything I am so completely desperate, I make the mistake of telling him how upset I am and crying and bull**** and I really need to know what to do to fix this...
Sanctionne Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 1st of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're under so much emotional distress. I can def relate. I too have been in relationships where every time we had an issue he'd threaten to leave me or left me. He always came back of course until I had enough of always feeling like I was hanging on by a thread. As to whether or not you're really in love is only something that you know and feel. I don't think it has anything to do w/age. There are plenty of ppl out there that have married their High School sweethearts and are still together to this day. What I suggest you do for now is give the guy some space. Give him time to miss you. If he comes back then great! he's yours to keep. If not then you can sleep better at night knowing that there is someone out there that is better for you. Everything happens for a reason. The reason is unknown as of right now. But don't cont chasing after him because that'll just make him run even faster in the other direction.... I wish I could understand men.
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 You can't fix it. Not on your own. he has to be agreeable to fixing it with you, and you can never love enough 'for 2'. You need to accept that every single thing you know of, has a beginning, a middle and an end. And this - has ended. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature (1st Post). It's a priceless bit of work - and the remainder of the thread is a long list of why basically, you two cannot remain friends - not while feelings run so deep. I'm sorry - people change, circumstances change, feelings and emotions, change. He's changed. And he can't 'un-change'. The best you can do, is realise the situation is, as it is, and move on. It won't be easy, of course it won't. But you have no other choice, right now.
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 1st of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're under so much emotional distress. I can def relate. I too have been in relationships where every time we had an issue he'd threaten to leave me or left me. He always came back of course until I had enough of always feeling like I was hanging on by a thread. As to whether or not you're really in love is only something that you know and feel. I don't think it has anything to do w/age. There are plenty of ppl out there that have married their High School sweethearts and are still together to this day. What I suggest you do for now is give the guy some space. Give him time to miss you. If he comes back then great! he's yours to keep. If not then you can sleep better at night knowing that there is someone out there that is better for you. Everything happens for a reason. The reason is unknown as of right now. But don't cont chasing after him because that'll just make him run even faster in the other direction.... I wish I could understand men. thank you for the advice , i'm trying hard every day not to think about him but he's literally always on my mind. I always accidentally become emotional around him and ask him to try again
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 You can't fix it. Not on your own. he has to be agreeable to fixing it with you, and you can never love enough 'for 2'. You need to accept that every single thing you know of, has a beginning, a middle and an end. And this - has ended. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature (1st Post). It's a priceless bit of work - and the remainder of the thread is a long list of why basically, you two cannot remain friends - not while feelings run so deep. I'm sorry - people change, circumstances change, feelings and emotions, change. He's changed. And he can't 'un-change'. The best you can do, is realise the situation is, as it is, and move on. It won't be easy, of course it won't. But you have no other choice, right now. so you think there's no chance of us getting back together? i don't understand how not talking to him would do anything he's not going to fall in love with me if i don't talk to him
Sanctionne Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Then for now you shouldn't be around him. I know it'll be hard. I know it feels like a part of you is dying. But if you really love him and want a chance to get him back then you should really give him some space. If you do talk, do not bring up anything to do w/your relationship, that'll just push him further away. No one can tell you whether or not if you two have a chance? believe me, I've done the most ridiculous things to try and find out. But only one person knows the answer to that and that's your ex.... On the other hand, he could just be confused and not even now what he wants. ugh! Idk why things have to be complex when it comes to love? :/
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 What you fail to realise is that you didn't orchestrate the break-up. He did. Therefore, only he can be the one to orchestrate the 'get-back-together' thing. You can't do anything. You can't change his mind, or make him want to go out with you again, or love you the way you want him to.... He's not going to 'fall in love' with you anyway. He's already told you that. He told you that just last night. Last night we hung out and he told me that I need to move on and that he wants to move on and start something new. Read the Guide. because as you go No Contact, and you fall off his radar, he WILL try to 'reel you back into the Friend-zone'. That's what's known as 'breadcrumbs'. Please: Read the guide. It's your chance to survive this.
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Then for now you shouldn't be around him. I know it'll be hard. I know it feels like a part of you is dying. But if you really love him and want a chance to get him back then you should really give him some space. If you do talk, do not bring up anything to do w/your relationship, that'll just push him further away. No one can tell you whether or not if you two have a chance? believe me, I've done the most ridiculous things to try and find out. But only one person knows the answer to that and that's your ex.... On the other hand, he could just be confused and not even now what he wants. ugh! Idk why things have to be complex when it comes to love? :/ There is no 'complex' here. He's made his position abundantly clear. It's the OP who is "refusing" to see it. Sadly, they want different things. He wants out, she doesn't. But if he's not in, she can't be in either.
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 What you fail to realise is that you didn't orchestrate the break-up. He did. Therefore, only he can be the one to orchestrate the 'get-back-together' thing. You can't do anything. You can't change his mind, or make him want to go out with you again, or love you the way you want him to.... He's not going to 'fall in love' with you anyway. He's already told you that. He told you that just last night. Read the Guide. because as you go No Contact, and you fall off his radar, he WILL try to 'reel you back into the Friend-zone'. That's what's known as 'breadcrumbs'. Please: Read the guide. It's your chance to survive this. I've read and read up on no contact, I get it. But how are you now saying He's not going to fall in love with me anyway? Basically you want me to never talk to him again. He was my best friend not only my lover. We spent almost everyday together. we feel incredibly comfortable around each other. He doesn't have many friends, but now that's hes going to college i'm afraid of loosing him for good. I really love him
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Then for now you shouldn't be around him. I know it'll be hard. I know it feels like a part of you is dying. But if you really love him and want a chance to get him back then you should really give him some space. If you do talk, do not bring up anything to do w/your relationship, that'll just push him further away. No one can tell you whether or not if you two have a chance? believe me, I've done the most ridiculous things to try and find out. But only one person knows the answer to that and that's your ex.... On the other hand, he could just be confused and not even now what he wants. ugh! Idk why things have to be complex when it comes to love? :/ Believe me lol, i think about him every day. I just wish when I do get the chance to see him I would stop slipping up, I don't want him to know that I still want him
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I've read and read up on no contact, I get it. But how are you now saying He's not going to fall in love with me anyway? Yes, I'm saying that. And I'm saying that, because that's what he's told you too. He may have loved you before, but he's 'done' and wants to 'move on' and wants you to do the same. Listen to him. he knows his feelings best and he's trying to tell you it's over. Basically you want me to never talk to him again. No, that's not 'basically' what I want. And the Guide tells you when it's safe to 'talk to him again'. The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... I'm happy for them, but, so what? It's cool!" Benign Indifference. That's what you're aiming for. When you feel that you have moved on sufficiently to not be so in love with them, that everything about their presence, hurts, then you can talk to him again. (I thought you said you'd 'read and read up on No Contact'....? ) He was my best friend not only my lover. We spent almost everyday together. we feel incredibly comfortable around each other. He doesn't have many friends, but now that's hes going to college i'm afraid of loosing him for good. I really love him Again: Why can't you be friends with him right now? It's in that Guide! Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony. The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Yes, I'm saying that. And I'm saying that, because that's what he's told you too. He may have loved you before, but he's 'done' and wants to 'move on' and wants you to do the same. Listen to him. he knows his feelings best and he's trying to tell you it's over. No, that's not 'basically' what I want. And the Guide tells you when it's safe to 'talk to him again'. When you feel that you have moved on sufficiently to not be so in love with them, that everything about their presence, hurts, then you can talk to him again. (I thought you said you'd 'read and read up on No Contact'....? ) Again: Why can't you be friends with him right now? It's in that Guide! But I don't understand are you saying there's no hope of us ever being together again? You're making me feel like he honestly doesn't give a damn about me, it really hurts. I don't know what you're saying honestly makes me feel like my whole world is crashing down around me.
jesse93 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Make him miss you, stop talking to him all together he knows that you will come back running into his arms so show him that youre trying to move on block him on facebook delete his number and stay no contact i feel like he will come r unning to you if he sees how hard youre trying to forget him, but then again you need to do this for yourself and not him if it is meant to be then it will work out on its own you cant force him to love you if he truly wants to be with you he will come back to you but for now stay NC no matter how hard it is. 1
Author lunaheart Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Make him miss you, stop talking to him all together he knows that you will come back running into his arms so show him that youre trying to move on block him on facebook delete his number and stay no contact i feel like he will come r unning to you if he sees how hard youre trying to forget him, but then again you need to do this for yourself and not him if it is meant to be then it will work out on its own you cant force him to love you if he truly wants to be with you he will come back to you but for now stay NC no matter how hard it is. thank u so much jesse. very straightforward and positive advice. i really appreciate it
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 The guy is fond of you. I'm sure of that. He may even love you. But here's the catch: He's not IN love, with you. He doesn't have those kinds of feelings and those kinds of feelings cannot be manufactured, nor encouraged by you. That kind of Love is something you have to feel for yourself. I'll prove it to you: Stop loving him. Right now, quit those feelings. Shut them off and be completely indifferent to him. Done it? No? Why not? Because you can't just alter feelings that way. And just as you can't 'switch off' - he can't 'switch on'. There's no doubt you have a place in his affections. It's just that his heart can't be yours, because he can't give you that. And that - is what you must come to terms with. 1
Bozena Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Hi! Well it is true that you are still too young but of course you can be in love. This is something certain. But,I think that you both need to try. Since he is also to young, then classic tricks might work on him. Like telling him: ok we are going to move on and don't be needy and try not to answer the phone all the times and speak to him in a more friendly way. Also don't show him that you are available all the time. To tell you the truth, I don't like strategies and in my relationships I am more straightforward, but this is the advice that I give to my friends and most of the times work. For him being such a young guy I bet they will work if he doesn't find another girl. You need to play a little hide and seek. leave some mystery around you that there is another person that likes you etc.
Sanctionne Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Some of the responses you are getting seem to be coming from ppl that are very bitter. Yes, I too am here because of a broken heart. However, I'm not going to take that out on you. I'm not trying to give you false hope, or even say that it will work out. However, there are couples that reunite everyday. And the reason we don't see a lot of those stories is because they're not in a panic or in desperate need like most of us that are seeking advise. They no longer have a reason to log on to this site, or any other site that will help them with unanswered questions or seek words of comfort. I suggest that right now you focus on YOU. Pick up a new hobby or do the things you once did before you had a bf. Go to the gym, get some of that aggression out of you, and in the meantime you're getting into or back into shape. Be the person that he fell in love with. I'm sorry, but unless you're a robot or had a visit to the same Dr. on 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind' feelings don't just go away overnight. Respect his decision and give him some space. If he sees the state of mind you're in right now and sees your desperation that will likely make him run in the other direction. Be strong no matter the outcome. I hope that you get what you want and that you two reunite.... But who knows? in a month or so you may realize that he did you a favor. No one knows no matter how some of these ppl on this site try to make themselves out to be know it alls. Love is a feeling. It's not logic. It's not a science. It's a beautiful wonderful feeling that everyone wants to have. Otherwise, why would we all be here on this forum? because we just want to love and be loved in return. Edited July 30, 2013 by Sanctionne 1
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