ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 My other thread is in the Dating section, somewhere... Was 'seeing' someone for roughly a month and I got very attached but - it didn't work out (I'm gutted) so today is the first day of NC...well, the remainder of today. I've deleted WhatsApp, as I find I spend a lot of time on it for no reason and it's tempting to message people you really shouldn't. I seem to spend a lot of time in NC or on the receiving end of being dumped - I don't know why. you'd think I'd be an expert at this by now, but I'm really not. In fact, this is the hardest one yet as I felt we were a perfect match, and although it's ended, she's left it with lots of hopeful comments such as "let it take its course" and "right now it's too much" blah blah. Yeah, I just thought I was getting somewhere, finally. So I feel a bit rubbish today and wondering what I might be doing wrong.
theonlyjuan Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Saturdays seem to be the worst day for most of us 1
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Saturdays seem to be the worst day for most of us Yeah....looks that way. And I know she's gone out with friends to get "tipsy" so it clearly didn't affect her that much.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 "16:19, 27 Jul - Her: Just take some time 16:19, 27 Jul - ME: What does that mean, I don't understand. 16:19, 27 Jul - Her: It doesn't all need to be finalised in a week 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: Just let it take its natural course 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: It doesn't have to be written 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: No contract needed 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: We can be friends 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: But u need to get over ur anger 16:20, 27 Jul - Her: And hurt 16:21, 27 Jul - Her: U can't just say all that and be like oh I wanna spend time together 16:21, 27 Jul - Her: Just take some time 16:21, 27 Jul - Her: Move pass it 16:21, 27 Jul - Her: There's no reason why I wouldn't be ur friend unless u never moved forward from this point" Maybe I'm blind, maybe it's only friends she wants, but then why say things like "let it take its course" and things of that nature. Ugh. I can't believe I'm here AGAIN.
theonlyjuan Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I wouldn't say that, some people are just good at hiding things.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I wouldn't say that, some people are just good at hiding things. Good point, they are - I've learnt that.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I think she was involved or wants to be involved with someone else. As I went onto FB to block her and some of her friends just now, she's just uploaded a picture of her and some guy, sitting pretty close, arms round each other...this guy I've never met, but he seems to be her type, from what she's described. Ugh. She's blocked now, anyway. And her number's been deleted. I am going strict NC. I ain't dragging this on for weeks and months, I want it done.
aloneinaz Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Only you can answer the question as to what you're possibly doing wrong that these relationships don't last. You could also consider asking one of your ex's so you can learn from it and change. As far as this one, move on.. Go out tonight and flirt w/other girls. Get laid so you can get your mojo back@! 1
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Only you can answer the question as to what you're possibly doing wrong that these relationships don't last. You could also consider asking one of your ex's so you can learn from it and change. As far as this one, move on.. Go out tonight and flirt w/other girls. Get laid so you can get your mojo back@! Everyone I know says that it's the type I go for - and they are all very similar. Guess I have to change my approach
aloneinaz Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Everyone I know says that it's the type I go for - and they are all very similar. Guess I have to change my approach Yea, I feel your pain. I was married to a woman for 11 years. She was Type A, controlling, bitchy, grudge holding, vindictive, lying, mean, moody, emotionally unstable, etc, etc... I divorced her ass. Then my first serious relationship after her, was a gal that was probably worse!! So, don't feel bad. We need to figure out why we're attracted to the wrong types...!!
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Yea, I feel your pain. I was married to a woman for 11 years. She was Type A, controlling, bitchy, grudge holding, vindictive, lying, mean, moody, emotionally unstable, etc, etc... I divorced her ass. Then my first serious relationship after her, was a gal that was probably worse!! So, don't feel bad. We need to figure out why we're attracted to the wrong types...!! Wow - it's amazing. At the time these women seem truly amazing...I'm glad this one was only a month, tbh! How the hell did you get over something that lasted 11 years?? I feel alright today, though....I don't need her, she wasn't all that. Compared to the way I've felt about previous breakups, I feel this one will be forgotten pretty soon - although this wasn't really a break up per se, but you know what I mean
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Just been reading about these 'ways' to get your ex back, using No Contact - I can't lie, I actually used to think these things would work, and have been known to follow them, to the letter! But now - I can't think of anything more ridiculous! How would not speaking to someone get them back?! They would not be thinking about you, they would be moving on (out of sight, out of mind) and if they WERE to contact you, it would merely be an ego boost for them, to know that they've still got you hanging on. The only way to get an ex back is if they or you both decided that you wanted to try again - not by ignoring them and uploading pictures to FB of you and some random woman/guy having a good time. If anyone reading this is thinking of trying this - don't. It doesn't work, and you'll go nuts thinking about whether they care, or not. Trust me.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Okay... Let's take a look at what you think works. How is begging, pleading, pestering, manipulating, shaming, guilting, selling, hounding, threatening, etc. someone who doesn't want to be with you to want to be with you? That isn't how you "got" them when the two of you first met. What you are suggesting would not have worked then and it certainly won't now. Oh I get it... They really didn't want to break up with you? They are only temporarily insane or possessed by a demon. They want to be with you but know / realize it, right? The dumpees job is to hurry up and "correct" the dumpers temporary insanity / exercise the demon possessing them so the dumper will see / know / realize they do in fact want to be with the dumpee. There you have it... You are working under the assumption that the dumper wants you. However, you are asking a dumpee to "try again" with someone who believes / feels / thinks / is sure / knows they do not want you and why you were dumped to begin with. Do you not see the problem there? For anyone who is thinking of trying what you are suggesting... I say don't and the fundamental reasons why are below. Your advice is totally disregard what the dumper thinks / feels / believes / wants? Which is... They no longer want to be with you, no longer want to be accountable or in a relationship with you, have you in their life, freedom and space. You advice is to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the dumper wants and lose lose all your dignity, respect, make a total fool of yourself while annoying / pissing off the dumper and reconfirming / giving them more reasons why they don't want to be with you. Everytime you contact the dumper to pester, beg, plead, guilt, manipulate, threaten, etc. you are asking the Dumper to dump you / reconfirm they dumped you all over again. How long should one continue with your approach? Until the dumper files a restraining order against you? Not sure about the rest of you but for me... 1. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. 2. I don't need to go back to the dumper lose all my dignity and respect and have them confirm / dump me again multiple times before I actually believe it. Also, if you love them, don't you want them to be happy... even if it isn't with you? Universal Truths When Someone Breaks Up With You 1. You were dumped. Yes, it really happened. 2. The Dumper broke up with you because they feel / believe / think / know that there is SOMETHING or SOMEONE better out there for them and their life is better without you in it. 3. The Dumper was not asking for your permission or approval when they dumped you. 4. The Dumper didn't break up with you because they want you to prove your love to them or because they want you to fight for them. 5. The Dumper is relieved, glad is over and looking forward to the future without you in it. 6. Love is a choice and People have free will. 7. You can't make, guilt, threaten, manipulate, convince, sell, plead, beg, argue, etc. someone to want you or to want to be with you. 8. It's NOT your job to get the dumper to want you back... It's THEIR job to get you to want them back! I think you have misunderstood. I don't want my ex back and I am not trying any of these methods. I am merely expressing an opinion - I didn't claim that begging or whining works, either! 1
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Mate - you have misunderstood, I don't propose any method. I am simply disagreeing with the NC methods that are out there. I am not putting a method forward.
Bozena Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 (edited) Well it depends on the ego of the other. For me no contact works the opposite way. As you mention out of sight out of mind. But a lot of people got crazier and think that they really want the other one. No contact for me is perceived as something you do by yourself in order to move on. And even if it brings someone back I believe that it will be temporarily. As soon as the other one will update his ego he/she will dump the other again. And why everyone who is dumped comes here as the victim? Like: oh s/he dumped me, I was perfect, take a NC to learn your lesson. There might be other reasons for someone dumping the other than you can both discuss. For instance if someone is jealous and you break up due to this, if the other goes back and say that he will try to change and if the reason is really this, then why not trying again? In this way I wonder why everyone here have so many feelings of revenge. Like if you don't talk to the one that break it off you will do him great evil or something. I agree that if there is understanding and a mutual serious relationship then the only way is to discuss the matter and decide whether it is possible to work it out again. I agree that begging and pleading doesn't solve anything, but the other way round doesn't solve either. If of course you want to solve. If someone just wants to move on then no contact is almost unavoidable Edited July 28, 2013 by Bozena 1
Antares Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Well. That's just it... I think people misunderstand what NC is. It's not a tool to get an ex back. It's a tool to get yourself back. That's all it does. It's basically acknowledging that the only control a dumpee has is leaving the dumper be, and moving on with their own lives. It's actually a huge display of self control and respect. The dumper didn't want to be a part of your life anymore, so you respect that and ... disappear. People who use NC to get an ex back - don't. Those that use it for those purposes think that making someone miss them will make the ex realize what they lost. I mean, do you really want to use manipulation to trick an exes feelings to get them back. That's not going to last at all. Once that itch is scratched, they'll go back to dumping you all over again. And that's why NC doesn't work on getting an ex back...because you can't have a relationship with someone you're not having ANY contact with. If at some point after you've healed and if both parties want it, both parties will have to make some sort of communication with each other. They both will have to break NC. NC will then be over, hence, the real tool for getting back together with an ex is being your full well adjusted self, the person they first got attracted to, or an even better version. (And even then that might not work either, lol) Now as a bi-product of going NC and getting on with your life, your ex may actually miss you. But only because they, well, miss you. Your ex may harbor some leftover feelings for you, and the presence you had in their lives. An ex contacting you after a period of NC does not guarantee you'll get back together either. The only thing that makes people reconcile is for both parties to want it. Just like you did when you first started dating. The exes feelings have to be strong enough to want another chance. Same goes for the dumpee. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 NC is for moving on. But it can also cause your ex to miss you. If you want to move on completely, NC is easily the best thing. If you want a second chance, NC is good to reset emotions on both sides and prevent the dumpee from acting crazy/desperate/clingy as they are prone to do in the immediate aftermath of the breakup.
daftpunk Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I'm just happy you spelled "ridiculous" correctly. Because there was nothing else of substance in your post. 1
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 I'm just happy you spelled "ridiculous" correctly. Because there was nothing else of substance in your post. Just as much substance in your reply too, I see.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 You are the one that said NC is ridiculous. Therefore, you are suggesting that people CONTACT someone who dumped them and no longer wants to be with them. Also, you can't just say NC is ridiculous and not provide the necessary information we need to try your approach / method. Questions for those of us who do not want to do NC and be ridiculous 1. How much should you contact? Hourly? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? 2. Should you call, text, email, snail mail, IM, Facebook, Skype, etc? 3. Should you show up unannounced at their home or work? 4. Should you send flowers, fruit baskets, gifts, etc? 5. Is it best to become "Pen Pals" via email, text, IM, Facebook, etc. or do you keep asking them over and over until they finally agree / submit? 6. How long do you should contact them? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades? 7. If they no longer respond to contact do you continue anyway? 8. If they tell you to stop contacting them do you continue anyway? 9. If they are dating / enter into a relationship / get married do you continue to contact anyway? 10. If you are dating / in a relationship / married to someone else do you continue to contact anyway? As someone who has dumped many people... Exes who continued to contact me only made me think they were pathetic, weak and desperate. It had the OPPOSITE effect of what they were trying to do / accomplish. I got tried, frustrated and angry having to break up with them over and over again because they refused believe / see I did it the first time. With a special select few... I had to get very mean / nasty before I finally got them to leave me alone. As far as forgetting my Exes... I haven't forgotten a single one of them. None of them needed to plead, beg, sell, convince manipulate, threaten, guilt, remind, etc. me of who / what they are / were and what we had together. I never forget any of that. All it took was ME deciding / coming to that conclusion in my own way and in my own time. In my case, I did want a second chance with a few YEARS later once I was older and done "Sowing My Wild Oats" and looking for something "more". From someone who has had SEVERAL Exes who come back and genuinely wanted a second chance... In all but one, it was a YEAR but for most it was several YEARS later. Not one of those did I remain in contact or constantly sell myself and why they should be with me again. They all came to that conclusion on their very own, in their own way and in their own time. Which is the only way you want that to happen. What did I do when being dumped? Did I make all the rookie mistakes, chase after someone who doesn't want me or do what the OP suggests? NO! I respected their decision, accepted the fact that I was not who / what they wanted, suffered in silence and I healed, moved on and got over it. Of those 6 or 7 who came back and who sincerely wanted a second chance... Many went through great lengths to find me because they didn't have my phone number, address, email and I'm not on social media sites. So don't if you fall off the face of the earth / NC will stop them either. If / when they decide they want you... Nothing will get in their way of letting you know just that. My point is that NC or no NC will not get an ex back. OK? Get it now?
Simon Phoenix Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 My point is that NC or no NC will not get an ex back. OK? Get it now? So what's the point of this thread then? 1
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 So what's the point of this thread then? I do believe this is a discussion forum? Or am I wrong?
Simon Phoenix Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I do believe this is a discussion forum? Or am I wrong? Discussions typically have a back and forth. Yours was more of a rant, and kind of pointless one at that. But whatever, you are obviously heartbroken (as were all of us when we started this) and aren't really about rationality at this point.
Author ToyStoryThree Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Discussions typically have a back and forth. Yours was more of a rant, and kind of pointless one at that. But whatever, you are obviously heartbroken (as were all of us when we started this) and aren't really about rationality at this point. LOL no, I'm not heartbroken at all!!!! Perhaps it came across as that way, but I'm absolutely fine
daftpunk Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Just as much substance in your reply too, I see. Well you can't get something for nothing you know
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