PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Hello everybody, new here and need some advice... I met a single mother recently and on a couple of instances it took her a while to respond to a text. When she did respond, her texts started with "i'm not trying to ignore you" and "i wasn't trying to blow you off." What does that mean? Does that mean that they are genuinley still interested and they are just busy or are they just being courteous. She has multiple children and I know that will cause her to be more busy than a woman who doesnt. We met online and went on one date so far (about a week ago). She said she had a good time and when i asked if she'd like to go out again she said yes and she said i could message her the next day. After our date ended and i got home i texted her to let her know i had a great time and would talk to her tomorrow. So the next day I texted her around lunch time and asked if she was having a good day. I didnt get a response until later in the evening. which is fine as she said she would be having a busy day during our date. So she responds with, "hey, im not trying to ignore you, its been a busy day...etc." Which is fine, it happens. We didnt really chat much that evening, but the next night she texted me and asked how my prevoius day was, to which i responded. The conversation didnt really go anywhere but i think it was about the time she said usually put her kids to bed, so i could understand why she wasnt fully invested in the conversation. So i gave her a day or so and sent her a text asking if she wanted to go out this weekend. it took her about 24hrs to respond at which point she said, "Sorry I wasnt trying to blow you off, but i have plans already for the weekend and with the kids..." Now, I completely understand that she is busy and I will never be top priority over her children. I am fine with that, but I am just trying to figure out why she would make it a point to say she wasnt blowing me off or ignoring me. Is that a good sign that she is still somewhat interested since she is eventually responding and explaining, or is she trying to give me a hint in the nicest way possible. I guess, she could just not respond at all and be done with it. I HATE playing games and dont belive in the whole 2-3day later rule and whatnot, but is she testing me to see if I am going to try to stick it out because she does have some 'baggage'? To see if I am really genuine in getting to know her and not just looking for a hookup? I have read elsewhere that the 'games' dont apply w/ dating single parents because they have been through a lot and are more likely in tune with spotting the b.s. If there is any advice or input any of you have, I would appreciate the feedback. thanks in advance!
soccerrprp Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I would like to think that single parents are less prone to the game playing, but, alas, not always true. I would keep communicating and if you are not happy with the time you are getting from her, let her know. This may not be a good time for her to date. Anyway, all of your concerns are possible, really, but if she continues to respond, try to set up more dates. If she is always busy, non-committal, you may need to move on, sadly. I'm a single father and have only dated single mothers and finding time for each other is also a challenge. But, if things are going well and she is interested, she should and would find time for you. It's that simple. You need to be understanding, but you also need to let her know what you need to make this work out.
Balzac Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Welcome to LS. Yet another Philly resident! Have you thought about having an actual phone conversation w her? Nobody is that busy w kids. She either lacks social skill or is ambivalent about dating. Maybe it's you and maybe it's about avoiding a relationship. If you're not into games ask her. 1
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 I am planning on calling her the next time i contact her (tonight or tomorrow). I will probably get VM, but i think that by calling it shows i am serious about getting to know her and not hiding behind the keyboard. The next question is when is a good time to call? before or after she puts the kids to bed? I cringe at the thought of one of her kids answeing her cell. And I dont want to intrude on dinner, bath-time, story-time, or anything like that either. She is a really cool person and I dont want to come off as needy or feel like i am coming on too strong.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 You mention she has a gaggle of kids ("multiple" is the word I believe you used). she has 3, all under 10
Balzac Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I think you can call after dinner but prior to bedtime. It's on her to tell you - hey, how about I return your call in 45 min? Your concerns about a kid answering her phone are unfounded. It's on her to give you an optimal phoning window. Stop worrying about coming across as needy. She's either going to lead you toward success in developing a relationship or not. Whether not is due to lack of organizational skill is on you to surmise. Some single mothers live a life of chaos, others are supreme administrators of their domain. Good luck.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Thank you all for the input thus far... I guess I am just more confused as to why they would preface with 'i wasnt trying to blow you off or ignoring you'... Most of my experiences in the past have simply been no reposnse or the simple 'i am busy or have plans.' is she trying to save face by saying something like that? Why not be straight to the point and get it over with? I am willing to go slow with her and let things develop naturally when the time is right, but dont want to look like a fool along the way either. haha.
Balzac Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 My read on her is: Lack of leadership skill Uninformed about positive communication skill She's treating you as she likely does her exH. Assuming she's got one and he fathered all three kids. It's a bad habit of defensive posturing she's developed. It's a red flag in my opinion but not a deal breaker at this point.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 If it is just defensive posturing...does that mean that she is still interested in getting to know me? I mean, i really like her and dont want to move on or give up too fast if she is just trying to do the best she knows how at the moment. If she is just doing what she thinks is right for the sake of not moving too fast or getting hurt in the end, then I understand. Hopefully when i call her tonight, she will answer. And if she doesnt answer and i have to leave a message about seeing if she wants to go out this week, then hopefully she will call me back.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Well, here's an update....I left a VM, it picked up after 2rings... and no response, been a couple hours, which again isn't uncommon. Just have to be patient and hope some response comes, right?
Menina Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Oh hey, came here by reference haha! Well from experience, not mine but friends' and family, having kids, specially three kids under 10 can consume a lot of time and energy. Maybe she starts by saying "sorry didn't mean to blow you off" because she awknowledges that replying to your texts late can look like she's blowin you off, maybe she's been with someone that took her unanswered texts as her blowing him off and now she's on the defense. My mom, she's dating this guy and sometimes 24hrs can pass before she replies to his text because she's legit. busy. In my case although I reply quickly to text and the person I'm dating also - except, you know, tonight - I don't like talking/texting during weeks while dating because I'm working on my thesis and don't have time for small talks, maybe when I'm in a relationship I'll return to calling and texting everyday but I just dont find time to do it. And the problem with texts, for some people like me, is that it can be more time consuming than calls. You have to sit, write, wait for a reply, write again, and you know that this can continue for hours. I think that she should have the benefit of the doubt and you should see how she responds to your voicemail. But beware, as you said, dating someone with children means that you will never be her top priority and that sometimes there will be long periods of silence in her part. I suggest that you simply wait for her call and also think about what you want in a relationship and if the lack of communication (or late responses) is a deal breaker.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Hey Melina, thanks for stopping by, haha! I would have no problem with the late responses if I knew she was interested in me and I just had an explanation going forward for the lack/delay in communication. Since we aren't dating and I haven't had a chance to go out with her again to talk and ask her about it, I don't even know how that issue would be addressed. Its not exactly something you bring up out of the blue when we have not agreed on any expectations. Like I said, we had the one date and I'm just trying for the second. Lol
dasein Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 There should be a "turn off texts while dating" app for phones. Texts and their interpretation, misunderstandings resulting, seem to be the most common thread topic here these days. The "not blowing you off" is noise. I generally don't find myself compatible with those who make such noise, but that's just one guy, not you. You will face challenges in this scenario what with the multiple kids, so suggest you cut out texting and use the phone as others suggest. Leave VM, ask her to return it. When she does, ask her out, giving more latitude than usual due to her time constraints. If she doesn't call back after a couple of calls, move on to other options. Women who are interested and truly available won't make you play too much phone tag. Women who use lax communication manners as a screen expecting men to "break through" with persistence are bad bets generally. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I only say that sort of thing when I really care that they don't think I'm blowing them off.
Author PhrustratedInPhilly Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I understand what you mean about 'breaking through', dasein. I never understood why women do that. Well, I guess I should say American women. Being as I am originally from Australia, I don't recall ever having to 'break through' anything until I moved to the States about 5 years ago because of my job. If I wasnt compensated as well as I am, I would go back home. LOL! I don't know what it is, but it seems like non-Americans don't have these issues with communicating openly and saying what is on their mind.
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