ChronicDummy Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Nice to be able to spew out my pain where nobody can see the blubbering mess I really am. Friday I filed for legal separation from my husband of 30+ years. Mentally, I know I should have done it long, long ago considering the past history. Emotionally, I am a freakin' mess. Going to see my Dr. on Monday. Cry and stop. Chest pain (guess the proverbial broken heart). Bad dreams. I am miserable beyond belief. I am trying to be stoic but every time I picture his face it's WHOOSH....right over the Crazy Lady cliff. Maybe a quick history will help. I married very young. 17 to be exact. I had a very bad childhood filled with abuse of every nature. I married a 25 year old man to get out of my home. I got pregnant within a month and when I was 8 months along he left me for his ex-wife because he didn't know what he wanted. A week later he came crawling back but that just was the first of SO MANY "grovel" moments over the next 29 years. I have 3 grown sons and 4 grandchildren and I am only 48. I have worked since '87. My youngest was born in '86. I worked nights while he worked days. He got me fired from every job I had because I was having affairs with everyone there of course. ( that's dripping sarcasm) My parents moved to VA in '90 and begged us to move here. We did in '92. I thought things would change with a fresh start and they did for a couple of years. Then they went back to same old, same old. I have worked my tail off having as many as 3 jobs at once to keep us afloat. I started working for the Fed. Gov. in '96 and remain there to this day. I own my small farm and he can't touch it because it was gifted to me by my mother. We have a few joint assets but they are nothing that I care that much about. A couple of river front lots in Fl that I co-own with my eldest son. He is going to want my half and I won't fight it. My lawyer said to not just give in but I don't want to fight. I want it over as quickly and painlessly as possible. The only fight will be over my Gov. pension but he is only entitled to 1/2 as of last Friday. Is the first part of this process always this painful ? How long until I quit falling back into a quivering mass of blubbering jelly? How long until the heart heals ? I'm pretty sure I know the answers but maybe I just need someone to tell me that I'm going to be ok.
mbethb Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Everyone here tells me it does get better! I'm only about a month post break and I still feel pretty bad. I don't say that to discourage you. I do feel better than I did 28 days ago, but I still have crying spells. For me (and i think you as well), the sadness really isn't the loss of my husband. In fact, I have a hard time even looking at him. It's the loss of my life and my perceived future. It's the pain that I see in my daughters eyes. I wish I had a brighter outlook to pass on to you. Keep posting! You'll get the support you need here.
Yasuandio Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 It is a BIG problem for sure. I can tell you, the faster u get it over with the better. And the sooner you "let go" the quicker you will heal. One secret it to not any longer have expectations. Without expectations, you cannot get disappointed. I think it is wise to educate yourself on the upcoming roller-coaster of emotions u will likely encounter. Try some of the Critical readings in the "Pinned Section" at the top of our forum. Especially the 180's and No Contact. Things will get better - but inially u have to bear this pain and grieve. You have been sort of addicted to bad treatment by this man, and when you get in the world once again (without him looking over your shoulder) you will see there are kind nice people, including men, that will value what a wonderful woman you are. But this is not the time yet for that. You must heal tourself, pull yourself together, get some medication if necessary. Begin by pampering yourself. Standing tall, working on your posture, that makes a huge difference on the appearance of your confidence. Do your make up, and DO NOT leave the house without dressing to the nines - head to toe. Go get your hair done also - something wildly attractive and different. You are. Starting a new life - TODAY. And you have no choice girl. So, do a little cry, then wash your face, and get styling. It doesn't have to cost a lot. U can shop on eBay for some hot boots. You can do your own pedicure. Cheap bath oil or baby oil in available at the grocery as are candles. Set up a spa in your bath. Now, do it, ok? It's all about making you the happier Mommy possible for the kids. Yas
Author ChronicDummy Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's amazing to me how it can be this hard to leave when I should have left after my boys left the home. Guess it was easier to keep believing he would change. I will have better luck finding a unicorn flying over a rainbow. I do have a pretty good support system in my friends and his family. I have an Uncle I am close to who is supportive also. I don't want to bring my boys into this but that's pretty much impossible. We all live in the same small town. The grandkids are going to be the hardest. My 5 year old granddaughter already knows and she is one smart cookie. She has been through divorce and her Nana and Papa getting one is going to be rough. Thank you again. Kind words and advice from strangers are sometimes received the easiest in the worst of times
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