Fake it until you make it

[Lady2163]

I have two degrees in the psychology field and was a counselor for 10 years.

 

This philosophy of "fake it 'til you make it' sets off the klaxon alarm in my head. It worried me profoundly.

 

It has been years since I worked in the field, so some of my medication information may be out of date. I haven't kept up on the current trends. I'm also doing a gross simplification of things so not to bore people.

 

Unless you are doing other things, fake it until you make it only works for a short while...and I mean 2-4 weeks.

 

Your brain/body produces happy chemicals. Being sad or depressed stops or reduces production.

 

There are things you can do to help with the production of the happy chemicals.

 

Exercise, any exercise...walking counts, but still remember to challenge yourself.

 

Sleep - try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, yes even weekends. Many of us don't get enough sleep. If you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum and are sleeping 12 hours a day, that might be all right for the first week to two weeks after the affair has ended, Sleep regenerates our bodies and is an escape. Try to avoid what a friend of mine does. He works 600 AM - 230 PM. He is awake between 400 - 430 AM. Goes to work, comes home, takes a 2-3 hour nap, then is awake doing house chores or leisure activities until 1100 - 1200. He does okay for a few weeks, but then his body winds down. He'll have a couple of days where he isn't able to nap due to doctor appointments, car maintenance, other matters. He will end up sleeping an entire weekend away and then start the whole process again. He gets cranky near the end of the cycle and can't keep a girlfriend, they hang in there for a few cycles, but invariably get fed up when he blows off an important event because it is his "sleep weekend." (side note: that's not the only reason he loses girlfriends, he a bit of a selfish jerk).

 

Eating - you want to eat regularly. For some people this is three meals and two snacks a day, others may be less, others may be more. However, eating something for breakfast is important, even if it is just toast. The healthier you eat, the better.

 

Limit alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and other drug consumption. If you know you are sad, bordering on depression, drink NO alcohol.

 

Eating right, sleeping right, exercising can all help with get the happy chemicals fire off in your brain. Avoiding the addictive stuff can help not stunt the production of the happy chemicals.

 

But this takes time, easily 6 - 12 weeks. A lot of people get frustrated when there aren't any visible results in a week or two. Recovering from the affair (or any breakup) is going to be work - and it could be some of the hardest work you do. You are retraining your mind and body to live without someone special. That won't happen overnight.

 

If you've been depressed for four weeks or more after the breakup, I highly HIGHLY reccomend talking to a counselor. They can help you decide if you need talk therapy, medication or both. Medication makes the chemicals in your brain do their thing, but they can also take a while to work and you may need to try more than one. Medication also works better when you eat, sleep and exercise.

 

Fake it until you make it is exhausting. It is hard work to put on a happy face when your psyche is damaged.

[bentleychic]

I tried fake it `til you make it for most of my marriage. I don't recommend it. Seems like a big waste of time and life to me. My new outlook on life is, this is the one life we have, we should make sure we are happy living it.

 

I need to take my own advice soon.

[happy stillmore]

Here is a quote that I would consider getting tattooed: (I found the explanation on another website, I'm sorry I can not reference at this time.)

 

"This above all: To thine own self be true."

 

This famous quote was said by Polonius in William Shakespeare's Hamlet. This phrase has inspired many forms of society, including politics, sports and music. It means to know yourself and be true to yourself. Following this little piece of advice will bring you peace and happiness. Also, being honest with yourself will lead you to become more honest with others, allowing yourself to be more credible and have more integrity. Being yourself and not trying to emulate someone else's personality will help you to find your own identity and allows you to live your life exactly the way that you want to live it. You will be more independent and more capable of making your own decisions. Remember that you do not need to follow in someone else's footsteps, that you have complete control over your own life. While we cannot control our environments or the actions of other people, we can control ourselves ("To thine own self be true").

 

I was not true to myself when I married. I was following others footsteps. I did not follow my heart.

[bentleychic]

 

I was not true to myself when I married. I was following others footsteps. I did not follow my heart.

 

Oh me, too! I remember turning to my dad before I walked down the aisle and asking if it was too late to run at that point. He said yes. 16 abusive and miserable years later, I left. I stayed loyal and faithful to exH despite everything. I was the loyal and faithful wife, including intimate relations b/c that's what good bible fearing girls were supposed to do. I was married to him so that was my duty.

 

Thank goodness, I now know that I do not have to please everyone else in this world. I have wonderful children due to my marriage and lots of scars (mostly emotional) and the knowledge that I KNOW that I want better than that and I will never fake it again.

[happy stillmore]

Yes, I had anxiety attacks before my wedding. I passed out the last time I put my wedding dress on for a last alteration. I am not sure I agree with faking it or anything anymore. If you feel sad, you feel sad. If you are happy, feel happy. Don't try to be anything for others. I ended the affair because I couldn't continue acting like I was okay with a piece of xMM. I am being true to myself in ending the affair as it demonstrates my love of myself. I am also not going to settle for a marriage which does not fulfill me. Live honestly. Love loudly as someone said on LS.

[WakingUp]

I have two degrees in the psychology field and was a counselor for 10 years.

 

This philosophy of "fake it 'til you make it' sets off the klaxon alarm in my head. It worried me profoundly.

 

It has been years since I worked in the field, so some of my medication information may be out of date. I haven't kept up on the current trends. I'm also doing a gross simplification of things so not to bore people.

 

Unless you are doing other things, fake it until you make it only works for a short while...and I mean 2-4 weeks.

 

Your brain/body produces happy chemicals. Being sad or depressed stops or reduces production.

 

There are things you can do to help with the production of the happy chemicals.

 

Exercise, any exercise...walking counts, but still remember to challenge yourself.

 

Sleep - try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, yes even weekends. Many of us don't get enough sleep. If you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum and are sleeping 12 hours a day, that might be all right for the first week to two weeks after the affair has ended, Sleep regenerates our bodies and is an escape. Try to avoid what a friend of mine does. He works 600 AM - 230 PM. He is awake between 400 - 430 AM. Goes to work, comes home, takes a 2-3 hour nap, then is awake doing house chores or leisure activities until 1100 - 1200. He does okay for a few weeks, but then his body winds down. He'll have a couple of days where he isn't able to nap due to doctor appointments, car maintenance, other matters. He will end up sleeping an entire weekend away and then start the whole process again. He gets cranky near the end of the cycle and can't keep a girlfriend, they hang in there for a few cycles, but invariably get fed up when he blows off an important event because it is his "sleep weekend." (side note: that's not the only reason he loses girlfriends, he a bit of a selfish jerk).

 

Eating - you want to eat regularly. For some people this is three meals and two snacks a day, others may be less, others may be more. However, eating something for breakfast is important, even if it is just toast. The healthier you eat, the better.

 

Limit alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and other drug consumption. If you know you are sad, bordering on depression, drink NO alcohol.

 

Eating right, sleeping right, exercising can all help with get the happy chemicals fire off in your brain. Avoiding the addictive stuff can help not stunt the production of the happy chemicals.

 

But this takes time, easily 6 - 12 weeks. A lot of people get frustrated when there aren't any visible results in a week or two. Recovering from the affair (or any breakup) is going to be work - and it could be some of the hardest work you do. You are retraining your mind and body to live without someone special. That won't happen overnight.

 

If you've been depressed for four weeks or more after the breakup, I highly HIGHLY reccomend talking to a counselor. They can help you decide if you need talk therapy, medication or both. Medication makes the chemicals in your brain do their thing, but they can also take a while to work and you may need to try more than one. Medication also works better when you eat, sleep and exercise.

 

Fake it until you make it is exhausting. It is hard work to put on a happy face when your psyche is damaged.

 

I think it depends on your interpretation of fake it till you make it.

 

To me, it means get on with your life... engage, do the things you like to do, don't hide yourself away with a sad face indulging in your woes. Get out the door, just say yes and work out the details later.

 

To think that you can put on a happy face is ridiculous. But sitting at home feeling sad and sorry is not the answer either.

 

And anyone who claims to be a professional on an anonymous forum and claims anti depressants fire off happy chemicals is someone to be VERY wary of. Impossible and irresponsible.

[LimeBlue]

Fake it until you make it is nonsense. I have been faking it for the past six years since the end of my affair - I still love him, I still miss him, and I still believe he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have tried again and again to hate him, to forget about him, to believe we would never have worked, tried to force myself to see he was never the one for me. Six years of faking to no avail. In that time I have made huge progress with myself, my life, my career, my education, my marriage, with family, with friends, but yet it lingers and I have now given up trying to convince myself that he was bad for me

[Lady2163]

I think it depends on your interpretation of fake it till you make it.

 

To me, it means get on with your life... engage, do the things you like to do, don't hide yourself away with a sad face indulging in your woes. Get out the door, just say yes and work out the details later.

 

To think that you can put on a happy face is ridiculous. But sitting at home feeling sad and sorry is not the answer either.

 

And anyone who claims to be a professional on an anonymous forum and claims anti depressants fire off happy chemicals is someone to be VERY wary of. Impossible and irresponsible.

 

So even though I said, "this is a gross oversimplification". You still want to be critical of my terminology?

 

Nitpick much?

 

Anti depressants can help. Personally, I'd use them as a last resort, after a few weeks of trying to eat, sleep exercise, therapy etc. Professionally, if a client is saying they've been sad and had other symptoms of depression for more than a certain period of time, I would have recommended them to the provider.

 

Would I say "fire off" to a client? Probably not. "if you break your arm, you get a cast. If you have diabetes, you take insulin. If your brain is hurt, this could help. I'd like you to talk to Dr. Jones and see if he/she thinks this could be an option."

[skywriter]

I think it depends on your interpretation of fake it till you make it.

 

To me, it means get on with your life... engage, do the things you like to do, don't hide yourself away with a sad face indulging in your woes. Get out the door, just say yes and work out the details later.

 

To think that you can put on a happy face is ridiculous. But sitting at home feeling sad and sorry is not the answer either.

 

And anyone who claims to be a professional on an anonymous forum and claims anti depressants fire off happy chemicals is someone to be VERY wary of. Impossible and irresponsible.

 

 

I think this is the way that this phrase has been used on this site and in the OM/OW threads and I find it quite logical in this case.

 

I admit, I had to fake it until I could make it many days while ending my A.

[Lady2163]

Ive got a little time, so here's my experience and why I'm so rankled by that phrase.

 

When I went back to school one of my internships had me observing a support group of military members. It was led by a man with a Bachelors and a woman with a Masters who had never been in the military. I didn't tell them I had.

 

The credo of the group was 'fake it 'til you make it.'

 

There was this one female service member who was obviously overwrought. In any other job what she was ecperiencing was being harassed by her boss. She was only an E4, had been in less than a year. She was working 12- 14 hour days, to make her part of the military better than it ever had been. Her boss's boss thought she was the best worker he'd ever seen. She was being recommended for an enlisted to officer program.

 

Every time she tried to tell what was going on, she would be shut down, "fake it 'til you make it. Go along to get along. You're an E4, he's an E8, you won't win this battle."

 

After the first session they asked what I thought. We did a brief run through of all the clients and when we got to Client XX, I said there was more than what she was telling AND she needed to be moved to a different group, she was the only woman in the group. They dismissed my ideas and said that there were two female counselors in the room and she needed to "buck up".

 

I watched this woman deteriorate before my eyes over four weeks (weekly meetings). Then she didn't show up. It was mandatory they show up, so when the place she worked was contacted they said she was in the psych ward, had tried to kill herself.

 

The counselors had the idea to go visit and brought me along. On the ride to the hospital, they talked about their families, free time, nothing to do with the client.

 

When we got to the ward, they tried to bluster their way past the enlisted psych aides, who summoned the psychiatrist. A military man. Years of experience.

 

He escorted us to an office a proceeded to rip them (well, and me) to shreds. And he was colorful.

 

It turns out on top of the workplace harassment, this woman had been raped twice (?) by her boss. The last time he bit her breast and her husband had seen it. She wouldnt tell him what happened, which made her home life miserable. Work was a battle. The one place she should have been safe to talk, not only is she getting shut down, they're telling her she has to go along with it. Plus, she was surrounded by men in crisis, many going through divorces and their hatred of women was palpable. The men in the support group would ask her, "why do women do that?" and she'd have a horrified look on her face. The counselors never came to her rescue and she was forced to speak for all womankind.

 

I don't know what happened to that young servicewoman. I don't know what happened to the counselors. The doctor said he was planning to have "us" fired. I do know when I asked to be given a different internship, My advisor told me that protocol required me to have an exit interview with the two counselers and their boss. I burned that bridge. In the interview I told them I had been in the military, they were idiots, they had no business counseling service members or anyone. Their philosophy was junk psychology and, well I had my say.

 

I felt better, but the deterioration of that woman before my eyes haunted me. I'm actually surprised I did do counseling as an occupation for ten years.

 

We don't know the whole story behind the people on this board. We hopefully offer support and encouragement to our fellow human being, without causing harm. Feelings are everywhere and I just don't want even one person to ever feel like a failure because they couldn't fake it.

[skywriter]

Lady2163,

 

Well from hearing your story about the E4 female and what she endured, I can understand how the phrase, "fake it to you make it", could get under your skin.

 

I don't believe I've actually used that phrased, however I've seen it used and may have actually told this to myself while trying to remove myself from my A.

 

I'm actually like the "whatever it takes" phrase personally, for myself that is.

[Owl]

Well...my thought is that the "professionals" that were touting the "fake it til you make it" were actually saying "fake it until I pawn you off on someone else".

 

I can't think of a better way to show how this was misapplied than your story.

 

And...as an ex-career-soldier, I can also say that your colleagues were massively unprofessional in many, many ways. Why didn't they...or YOU...take this case to the IG? Even before you knew the full extent, you knew that her boss had violated UCMJ...and you were obligated by military law/regulations to report it, to stop it...if nothing else, to protect HER.

 

But let's talk about a PROPER application of it, shall we?

 

In the recovery period of our marriage after my wife's EA, during the first several weeks when my wife was still mourning the loss of her relationship with OM, she freely admitted that she didn't know how she felt about ME. About us.

 

I got that. It hurt, but it made sense too. She'd invested so much emotionally into her relationship with OM...at the expense of OUR relationship...that at the moment, she really wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

Our MC suggested to her not to make any hasty decisions or massive changes in our situation until she'd had a chance to process through everything...to "fake it til you make it" when it came to our relationship.

 

Now...that 'faking it' didn't have any real requirements to it, other than openly communicating with each other. We slept in seperate parts of the house, we still talked about seperation, helping her find a place, etc...

 

But, we still lived in the same house, continued to take care of running the house and caring for our children.

 

Our MC knew that if we worked on communication without any other pressures...and very importantly, without making any hasty long term decisions...it could set the stage for her feelings to return.

 

And they did, over time, with work on both of our parts.

 

We're several years recovered now.

 

This is an example of how "fake it til you make it" was properly used and executed, and resulted in an outcome everyone was happy with.

 

There's method behind the madness...if you focus on the method, keep in mind the results, and apply it properly, it can be a wonderful tool.

 

Used improperly (as in your example), it can have horrible results.

 

Just as the use of AD's. Used properly, with counseling/therapy, AD's are great. Given out like candy to anyone who complains that they're unhappy with their situation as a "fix all"....they're worse than useless.

[BrokenPrincess]

After my A ended, my therapist literally told me "Fake it til you make it. The antidepressants should kick in in 3 weeks."

 

I didn't find that particularly helpful.

[happy stillmore]

that is me on the outside

that is may on the inside

 

Haha