Do you understand any of this?

[Sapphyre]

I haven't posted this in second chances, as I don't think that's necessarily what I'm looking for anymore; I don't really know what I want.

 

I have posted threads on my situation before and got a lot of "he's messing you around" and "go NC" comments, but I'm looking for answers/opinions other than those - unless the majority think he is genuinely a game player in which case, feel free to say so. But no advice to go NC please as that's fairly obvious, and I intend to if and when I'm feeling 'hurt' or stressed by this situation.

 

This is the first thread I posted about the history between me and this guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/396369-finished-good

 

There are a couple more with updates but it's pretty much the same as that one.

 

Now, I know most people would think he's just after sex and feeding me a load of lies to get it; I do wonder about that, but I've dealt with a very manipulative and controlling ex partner in the past (father to my kids, not this guy) and have known a lot of 'those' guys that just want sex, this guy seems different, his confusion seems genuine.

 

We spoke the other night, and for a while he's been saying he can't see a future for me and him, as although his feelings are strong there is just something missing, although he doesn't know what that 'something' is.

He's said recently that he's worried he's just being a coward and too worried about losing his daughter over this if we were dating and she took it badly (he says she disowned him once when he left her mother after a 28yr marriage, and it took a lot to win her back around), there are a lot of issues in the way; the fact he's almost twice my age, his boss is a family member of his and hates me, as detailed in my previous thread I've acted totally irrationally at times and made an idiot of myself in front of some of his friends, he has two grow up children and I have three young kids...but we get on really well and he keeps saying he would love us to be together, just can't see it happening for this unknown reason.

 

He also says he worries it's just a physical thing, but doesn't know how to work out whether it is or not, and last night when I spoke to him, out of the blue he looked all sad and said "why can't I love you?" and I told him it's because his feelings just aren't strong enough and it isn't his fault; he then said "sometimes I think they're too strong".

He then said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone as he's emotionally empty and can't be bothered with the hassle of meeting someone new; I reminded him that he joined a dating website a couple of weeks ago, went on 2 dates but says he didn't feel anything for either of them, and deactivated his profile again...to which he replied that he had only joined it to take his mind off me.

 

I know he was married in his twenties to the first woman he fell in love with, and that lasted 28 years. He's told me that for the majority of the time he wondered whether she actually loved him, as she seemed to be doing her "wifely duty" when it came to sleeping together, and she never gave or wanted to receive any affection; which he says cut him to pieces.

He says he thinks he's been over compensating since then "as with you, I jumped in too fast and too deep, and that's why none of my relationships have worked out".

 

It really seems genuine when he talks; we do sleep together but he says he can't do 'just sex' unless it's leading to or in a proper relationship, and then when we do sleep together he gets all guilty and says he doesn't want to hurt me, we shouldn't be doing that if he can't see a future for us etc.

 

Is there any way he could be genuine as I feel he is? And if so, how can he be so confused and not be making headway towards a decision one way or the other?

He keeps saying he's literally torn between thinking we don't have a future so we should end things for good, and not wanting to lose me/thinking about me all the time.

 

Also as he is worried that his feelings might really just be a physical thing, how is he - or I - going to know for sure? How do we work out whether he has genuine feelings or it's just a physical attraction; is there any way to tell?

 

Sorry for the epic post, but genuinely helpful responses would be great to shed some light on all of this, rather than just "run away" type answers, thanks.