xanitus Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 This is going to be a bit long but ill try keeping it on point Basically im 25. and shes 18. We had been going out for arouind 18 months. It was a long distance relationship but we've met 4-5 times (but the past 2 times have cancelled due to unforseen circumstances). When we met she liked me alot, much more than I liked her, i just saw her as a friend. Over time my feelings for her grew and we fell in love with one another, despite our differences in personality. It was amazing because she always liked me more than I did and I always felt in control. It was a good relationship, we had fights but we also had some amazing times and joy. Made each other happy. Anyway for the past few months she has completely changed. She stopped giving me attention, we talked less and she spent time with her friends more. Over a bit of time she basically decided that she didn't want a committed relationship anymore and she wanted space. I gave her space. The more space I gave the more she went out, spent time with her friends, enjoyed life and realized she doesn't want a relationship anymore. She just wants freedom, shes not really interested in anyone (she's said good looking guys have asked her out and shes refused because she doesn't want any commitment). So this has broken my heart. And we had a long conversation about this on the phone, and she basically said that she is only 18 and wants to sort her life out first before she decides to committ to anyone, and that she wants to get married in 4-5 years. I said OK have u stopped loving me she said she only loves me as a friend now and wants to be friends.. i said it would be very difficult for me to lose my feelings and love for her. She said who knows what will happen in the future, she believes in destiny and said if im in her destiny she will marry me. But she said right now she just wants no commitment.. but she said I am an amazing guy and would make a great husband and this whole thing is HER not me and I have done nothing wrong. And that I should try to move on. This has been going on for 2-3 months now. I tried to be friends in the hope that she would change her mind. I do get hurt when I see that shes having so much fun in her life whereas before I was involved in all the fun she had. I couldn't take the pain of being treated like a distant friend anymore. I decided to cut her out, deleted her number, fb, twitter to which she got upset and said she doesnt want me to leave her life and wants to be friends. I said it's really hard for me to not have feelings for her and that since she asked me to move on, im doing as such. Anyway we haven't spoken for a week. It's been hard. I think though I should try to be friends with her the best I can. Maybe I should send her a message just saying "hope you're well". I do want her to be in my life as well. I don't know what to do. I've cried as well..
theonlyjuan Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Similar situation to me. Next time I am going to avoid the 18-20 age group. Too mixed up and trying to figure out what they want. Just go NC. That's what I'm doing now. I think there's more chance of her changing her mind while your ignoring her. Don't be her little pet when she needs you. Don't hold out hope that she will come back. Get it out of your head now and start moving on.
Legatus Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I met my ex when she was 19 and I was 24. Same situation, suddenly she didn't know what she wanted but at the same time didn't want to be alone out of fear (!). Don't hope she'll come back. Live your life like she is in the past, if she comes back someday and you still feel she's your soul mate then go for it. It will be a nice surprise. But now you should treat her like someone who existed in your life and that's it.. She's going to use you once she knows she can manipulate you, don't let her do it!
Author xanitus Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 thank you for the replies so far It's so hard to think of the future without her.. it doesn't make me happy
Legatus Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Of course it doesn't. Not just yet. At some point you will realize you miss the feeling of being with someone not her particularly. and then boooom! someone better comes along... 1
Author xanitus Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 i broke the no contact rule she messaged me today saying she misses me. I waited an hour and I couldnt help but reply back that i missed her too. No reply. I never initiated contact.. is there no hope now? Have i done something wrong now?
Legatus Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It depends. Missing doesn't mean much in my opinion. Are you ok with being friends with her? If not then do not reply again. You just showed her you still care... Remember that she can do all that (and more) just because she's missing you AS A FRIEND. I you don't feel the same way don't risk it. You are not on the same page
Author xanitus Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Legatus.. no i cant be friends with someone im in love with. I tried for a few months to be though to see if i could... but the way she treated me like a distant friend killed me inside and i kept complaining to her. Eventually I had a long chat with her and decided to delete everything as i couldn't take it anymore. And thanks skid mark for that reality check..
Sleepwalk Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hey man,cheer up,I'm almost 2 months no contact with the beloved one (Well,ex.)Stop overthinking,overanalyzing things.You should stop always being there for her,when she doesn't really need a helping hand at all,she is just confused and maybe even bored.The more you give your hand for her,the less she will respect you.And you don't want to be stomped on in the end.I don't think you would risk your pride,and feel abused just to be with the girl you love,or have loved once.The only reason you are in that phase still,is because you allow yourself to be.Stop giving her attention,if she wants you,she will try to hold onto anything that is related to you.If she's just like "Oh let's see what that guy is doing",screw it.You praise her while she just sees you as a person.Keep that no contact,because it's best for you.Or if you cannot hold yourself back,then give as less life signs as possible.Don't make her think your world spins around her,because she won't "crave" you then.Mind your own business,and if she is meant to be yours,don't worry,she will be someday.Patience is the key,If through patience,she wont return,then through patience,and will,you will forget her. Cheers!
Author xanitus Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 thank you so much for that sleepwalk. That was a great reply. She just texted me now "How are you xanitus?". What should I say? Ignore it? Reply that I'm fine? My heart says I don't want to piss her off and if i ignore her she might not contact me again. My brain says listen to Loveshack.org
Legatus Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Ignore it 100% I know your feeling, I didn't want to ignore my ex when she sent me a text "I really expected a text from you today". That was 3 weeks ago on a day I was going on holiday. I didn't reply even though I wanted to at the beginning. She expected it because I replied to few texts, but no more. They didn't mean anything to her anyway, she wanted to mess with my head by saying "you've changed; I don't know what I'm feeling" etc. Listen to your brain xanitus!
Author xanitus Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 i see similar situation haha.. ok i will ignore.. i wish there was a way to PM on here.. why isnt there:confused:
Sleepwalk Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 It's a two sided thing,if you don't reply,you might have a few sleepless nights,because you didn't,and maybe she won't even give that little ammount of attention that she did through these texts.If you do reply,you might blame yourself for why you did that.Look in between the things.Don't put someone on priority who has you as an option,or a last resort,call it however you want.Imagine this thing like it's some zombie thing.It was a human person once,it had feelings,but now,you need to bash its brains out,otherwise it will do you harm and eat you.That's how this love is,you need to get over it,otherwise it's all negative. Maybe some things are meant to be,and who am I lying to,I hope the same thing with my ex,but that's a whole different slice of cake.Just put her off on a shelf you don't care about,and if she wants you,she will fall on your head and hit bash you so hard,attention will be unavoidable.By then,it will be your decision,if you have moved out of her,or if you can still begin from a blank page the story between you two.Keep it cool,and focus on yourself,not on the others around you.You're not her personal soul junkyard,so no need to be hers at every call (Her listener).You're beating a dead horse right now,pretty much.Keep it positive,things will turn out on your favor,one way or another.Maybe with this girl,maybe with another.But right now,take the "Girl" definition out of the picture,since she occupies the spotlight still,focus on something else,and time will fly. Take care.
Sleepwalk Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Oh man,and be more bold with her.If she takes you as a friend,then act like a normal everyday friend for her,that's what she wants.Pay her back with the same coin she threw at you,without actually being aggressive at all.You will just play the role she put you into perfectly.Then silently take off,so it's gonna be visible for her too.She might have that "What I had and what I lost" feeling.Maybe that's what you want to see from her,you might need a major kick in this to get her back,to get her look on you the way she once did.Turn the tables,you've got nothing to lose.Either you kick this friendship in the ass,since you have no real use of it,either you get your girl back and grow back that good relationship you've been aching on.You need to light that spark in her head,that she had done a bad job by putting you on the friend side.Or maybe you need to stop talking to her at all.You know your girl the best.We can only generalize things.
Author xanitus Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 thanks sleepwalk again.. i think i am in control (i was the one who deleted her) and it makes me relieved that I at least got to a point where I could delete her and didn't keep begging for years and eventually she would delete me (inevitable right?). I tried being "just friends". I couldn't hack being just a friend to her when I had all these feelings for her. She would ignore my messages, took me off the pedestal and I was even lower than her friends. You say I have to kick the spark in her head.. well I don't really know if thats possible. But if I keep up no contact I guess it would give me the best chance of a future with or without her.
Sleepwalk Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm kind of in the same boat with you (Or was).You are not at a point where you need to lower yourself to such a level,that you need to beg for humanity from someone,none of us should be. If you still didn't contact her,keep on going like that,just like we can hold ourselves back from some cravings,we can do it with this one too,might seem like a big step,but makes a big difference in the long run. I'm curious to hear about you in 1-2 months,really.
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