Keeping ex as best friend

[Chichirula]

Me and my boyfriend split up 2 weeks ago. We were together for 2 years although for 6 months of those 2 years we broke up and were 'just friends'. We still spent everyday together,walked home together at night after work (we work together), ate together, shopped together, slept in the same bed together. I even stayed at his house every night for 2 months in the summer when my daughter was away.

 

All just as 'friends'. We slipped up and had sex twice but decided we didn't want it to be that way. In the end we got back together because he did love me and wanted it to work and wanted to fall in love again with me. Neither of us had any other partners in those 6 months nor any dates. However 8 months later he's decided he has tried but can't fall in love with me like the first time. He loves me but is not in love with me so he ended it. After a few days we got back in the routine of seeing each other day and night and i stayed at his house as 'friends' but as i am still in love with him i think we have both realized it's best if we don't go down that road agin.

 

So the last 2 days we have been going our separate ways. It breaks my heart to not spend so much time with him but I'm just so grateful to have him in my life as my friend, a true friend, and i know that in the near future we will be able to do those things again, just not ALL the time. It feels a bit like going cold turkey. I understand completely how one person can mean so much to you and be such a big part of your life. I just try and think of the positives and accept that although he is not in love with me, he does love me and will always be there for me and we will still have lots of great times, although they will be different, they will still fulfil me.

 

The test will be how i cope when a new girl comes on the scene....has this happened to anyone else? Have they managed to swallow the ex they still loved being with another girl while you were demoted to friend??

Edited July 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I dont think you can stay good friends. I am not saying you cannot be friendly, but since one of you still is in love it isn't really a balanced friendship.

 

Remaining in contact will keep you both from healing and moving on, and any new releationship is likely to be threatened by your history, and frankly, you won't be able to hide your feelings.

 

You need to get over this relationship. Break free to heal and maybe friendship is possible at some future point.

[struass]

Hi,

 

My situation is almost the same with the exception we have a son to consider. It's been 6 days since my ex told me the "I love you but Im not in love with you" line.

 

We still get on really well and have to live in the same house for the time being however I've accepted that needs to change for me to move on. Due to our sone I think eventually we'll always be good friends but right now it can't be like that.

 

Because I still have strong feelings for her I also dread the thought of the next man! Unfortunately it's part of the healing process I think, there is no way to avoid it if your going to be friends.

 

Stay strong and try build a life for you. Keep busy with your own interests and things will get better. I'm no expert tho.

[LBean]

Hey there,

 

I don't feel it's possible to stay really close with an ex, but then, I've never personally attempted it. There's still a place in my heart for the few men I've dated in my life, I care for each of them, wish none of them any harm or foul and wish the best to each. I do not keep in contact with any. Period.

 

I've known people who have remained friends with their exes, and of the small handful of people that have done that, I can think of only ONE who didn't have problems in their relationships due to it.

 

It's not for me, I would have no problems seeing an ex out on the street and saying "Hey" smile, and walk away. It's the past for a reason. In my honest opinion, I think staying friends with people who have seen me naked brings way too much drama to the table later.

 

If I were you, I would begin to distance yourself, bit by bit. I understand that this is fairly new to you and it's going to be hard, but I think for your sanity it may be important, and most likely the healthier choice.

[eleve82]

You ACCEPT that "he's not in love with you but loves you"?

 

Chirchirula, there are some people on this planet who are genuinely confused as well as those who will try to let you down gently by giving you this bull**** line. I'm of the firm belief that if he tells you this, he has probably lost the attraction he once felt to you and has decided his love is only conditional on how much you attract him (whether physically or emotionally). Lets put it this way, if you had ended up marrying him, it's not "till death do us part", its "till you no longer make my head turn and heart race, do us part".

 

Then there are those who are genuinely confused who have over idealistic notions of what as long term relationship would be like. These are the type who after seeing you bedraggled without makeup and dressed in oversIzed PJs chasing your kids around the house, and nagging at them for not contributing their share of the housework, start to wonder if there is something better out there for them ie the once "accepting" and "fun" partner who didn't criticise or nag if he spent too much time with his friends or playing video games and actually put in effort to dressup for a night out. In this case, I am of the believe that things could turn around if they are left on their own for a significant amount of time to discover that keeping a long term relationship alive comes with the whole nine yards - including responsibility, loyalty, and commitment to work out problems.

 

Either way, I can guarantee one thing - continuing to be available to him and adopting this kind of fatalistic (almost desperate) thinking that you'll take whatever you can get (and are grateful for it), will make him lose respect and desire for you subconsciously. The theory is simple - humans are inherently governed by "the law of scarcity". This is why luxury goods are panelled off from the rest of the mall and world with transparent glass and closed doors, unlike other types of commodity products. You get the goods if you can pay for it and then you still have to make an effort to push thru the doors and break into an otherwise intimidating glass fortress. Having to make an effort to "win" something, makes it all the more satisfying and worth treasuring. Another analogy - in which case are you likely to treasure your car more and take care of it? a car through a lucky draw, or the one you saved for by working day and night for a year?

 

Do you understand what I'm saying here?

 

Next you are just deceiving yourself if you think he "will always be there for you". A more accurate statement will be he will be there right until the nanosecond he meets someone who DOES make his head turn. Then he will willingly drop EVERYTHING for this new person in his life. Even if he felt some loyalty to answer your calls of distress or for friendship, the new lady is 100% sure to disapprove. I mean, do YOU approve of your exs hanging out with their exs?? NO. Because you know that one party is holding on to secret hopes of rekindling, just like you are right now. A new gf would pull her weight by insisting he cuts his ties with you. Right now, the balance of control is in your ex's hand because you handed it to him on a platter when he basically implied he could better than you.

 

In short, the only one who loses is the person who doesn't demand for what he or she is worth and stick to it. To demand for what you are worth, you HAVE to regain your self respect and dignity. Do it for yourself. Recognise that 1.5 years really isn't all that long - there are those in 20-30 year relationships who face the same situation and have more dignity to walk away. Even if you find it difficult to ignore his calls, do not make yourself available like a doormat - go out and live your life and rediscover yourself. You'll soon realise that you DO in fact want and deserve more than what your ex can offer.