Texting Issues

July 27, 2013

I'm new here so be gentle!

So I got out of a two year relationship 4 months ago and decided recently that I was ready to date again so I signed up to a dating site. Met loads of interesting people and went on a lot of great dates, however there's this one guy that really stood out from the rest. We've been on 4 dates in one month now, and things seem to be going from strength to strength.

The only issue I have is that he takes ages to respond to me. This was the case on the website, but it didn't really bother me then. Now that we're texting however, it's slowly beginning to annoy me. Sometimes we'll have short, quick-reply text conversations, but more often than not he'll leave it a whole 24 hours before responding. Now I'm not the kind of person who needs to talk to their SO (or potential SO) every day, so there's very little texting in between dates and that's fine. But when we're trying to make plans about meeting up and it takes him so long to get back to me, it can get really frustrating.

I know he's not that busy because he's off work due to an injury, and because he's on the dating website we met quite often, and still takes ages to any message I send him on there (him being on the site doesn't bother me, as I was adamant that I would carry on seeing other people in order to avoid putting all my eggs in one basket and am happy for him to do the same).

Now I'm vacillating between just ending it or bringing it up with him. Is 4 dates in too early to talk about this? How should I raise the issue without sounding needy? It's not that I want more texts from him, just reliable communication.

Thanks in advance for any help!

July 28, 2013

I'm getting this with the girl I've been seeing lately as well. It can be frustrating, but I guess you have to remind yourself that the other person has a life too, they're not always going to be readily available to respond to you.

Personally, I'm always pretty prompt in replying to texts, regardless of who it is from and how busy I am, but other people are different. They might see your text and think "I'll reply later" then they forget about it, or they might be doing it on purpose to not come across as needy themselves, you just don't know.

I wouldn't say anything to him about it, you will just look needy and desperate for attention. Just focus on yourself and the things in your own life, they will respond/text you when they do.

July 28, 2013

I know he's not that busy because he's off work due to an injury, and because he's on the dating website we met quite often, and still takes ages to any message I send him on there (him being on the site doesn't bother me, as I was adamant that I would carry on seeing other people in order to avoid putting all my eggs in one basket and am happy for him to do the same).

Now I'm vacillating between just ending it or bringing it up with him. Is 4 dates in too early to talk about this? How should I raise the issue without sounding needy? It's not that I want more texts from him, just reliable communication.

Thanks in advance for any help!

Sweetie (this is me, being gentle ) if you're both dating others, this really should be a non-issue at this juncture.

July 28, 2013

I guess you have to remind yourself that the other person has a life too, they're not always going to be readily available to respond to you.

I totally get this. Really I do, but sometimes we'll be trying to set up a date and it takes 2 days just to agree on when/where because of his response times. Sometimes I just end up arranging things with other friends/dates because I hate feeling like I'm sitting around waiting for him to get back to me.

I probably won't bring it up because I don't want to come across as attention-seeking, but I'm tempted to because I can see myself getting to the point where I just stop bothering. Which is a shame because when we're together it's awesome.

July 28, 2013

Sweetie (this is me, being gentle ) if you're both dating others, this really should be a non-issue at this juncture.

Thanks!

I don't really see how the two are mutually exclusive. I don't want to text him all day everyday, I just want efficient communication when we're setting something up. We never text throughout the day, or about anything other than what we're going to do when we next see each other. Common courtesy still applies, no?

July 28, 2013

Thanks!

I don't really see how the two are mutually exclusive. I don't want to text him all day everyday, I just want efficient communication when we're setting something up. We never text throughout the day, or about anything other than what we're going to do when we next see each other. Common courtesy still applies, no?

But if you're both dating others, maybe his plate is just fuller than yours and thus doesn't respond as quickly because he's busy pursuing other women. Or, maybe he already made plans with another woman and that's why he hasn't set something up with you in terms of another date. I think if you're both multi-dating, it's to be expected.

July 28, 2013

I see a lot - a loootttttt - of posts on here about this sort of thing. I'm old enough and mindful of my elders enough that it's amusing to me, considering that you only have to go back 10 years and nobody had social internet, or 15 years and nobody had mobiles, or 50 years in the UK and most people didn't even have access to a landline at home.

How the **** did they manage? By dealing with not being in constant contact. Imagine! Married couples, only able to communicate once they stepped through the door at home. Newly dating couples having to arrange a fortnight ahead and sticking to it. Not talking until you were face to face.

I'm sorry I'm being dickish here. The fact is even today, once you get away from socionormative urban dwellers all behaving the same way and so divorced from the concept of individuality they fetishise it through the medium of clothing and music, people have all different standards about this sort of thing. Some people don't want to text all the time. They never have. They check it once a day, or they wait until once a day to respond. They might even have the phone switched off between times. They might not think to do otherwise, or it might be a personal principle - after all, viewing phones objectively, they are literally a device that allows anyone in the world to reach into your immediate life and demand attention instantly regardless of what you're doing or whether you might want to talk to someone right now. A person is allowed not to like that sort of thing.

Bring it up with him and tell him that you need a quicker response than 24 hours, for practical reasons, if not because it makes you feel lonely. Find out why he leaves it. Hopefully he understands this is the second decade of the 21st century and people communicate faster now. If he expects to date in the modern world he needs to learn quick communication.

July 28, 2013

But if you're both dating others, maybe his plate is just fuller than yours and thus doesn't respond as quickly because he's busy pursuing other women. Or, maybe he already made plans with another woman and that's why he hasn't set something up with you in terms of another date. I think if you're both multi-dating, it's to be expected.

This would definitely apply to his availability, but my problem isn't with him not setting things up with me, but rather just communicating when he's free and when he's not so I can set up my own calendar.

For example, he texted me Friday afternoon and suggested we go out to dinner. I replied immediately saying I'd promised to meet up with friends but that I was free on Sunday. He didn't reply until early evening on Saturday to say that he was and that we should go for a picnic, by which time I'd already set up a dinner date with someone else because I hadn't heard from him.

I'm dating multiple people as well and yet I never take more than a couple of hours to reply to a text. It only takes a minute to let someone know whether you're available or not and to set up a time/place. This is despite the fact that I'm working and he's off work at the moment.

EDIT:

Maybe the reason I'm getting my knickers in a twist is because I'm very organised; I like to know what my social calendar looks like days in advance and this throws me off.

Edited July 28, 2013 by seewhatidid
Afterthought

July 28, 2013

I see a lot - a loootttttt - of posts on here about this sort of thing. I'm old enough and mindful of my elders enough that it's amusing to me, considering that you only have to go back 10 years and nobody had social internet, or 15 years and nobody had mobiles, or 50 years in the UK and most people didn't even have access to a landline at home.

How the **** did they manage? By dealing with not being in constant contact. Imagine! Married couples, only able to communicate once they stepped through the door at home. Newly dating couples having to arrange a fortnight ahead and sticking to it. Not talking until you were face to face.

I'm sorry I'm being dickish here. The fact is even today, once you get away from socionormative urban dwellers all behaving the same way and so divorced from the concept of individuality they fetishise it through the medium of clothing and music, people have all different standards about this sort of thing. Some people don't want to text all the time. They never have. They check it once a day, or they wait until once a day to respond. They might even have the phone switched off between times. They might not think to do otherwise, or it might be a personal principle - after all, viewing phones objectively, they are literally a device that allows anyone in the world to reach into your immediate life and demand attention instantly regardless of what you're doing or whether you might want to talk to someone right now. A person is allowed not to like that sort of thing.

Bring it up with him and tell him that you need a quicker response than 24 hours, for practical reasons, if not because it makes you feel lonely. Find out why he leaves it. Hopefully he understands this is the second decade of the 21st century and people communicate faster now. If he expects to date in the modern world he needs to learn quick communication.

This is so true! He may be one of those people; I've never seen him look at his phone when he's been with me, although I do think 24 hours is pushing it.

It's mostly for convenience's sake really. I may just tell him the truth, that I'll most likely lose become too frustrated and lose interest if this carries on and see what he says.

July 28, 2013

This would definitely apply to his availability, but my problem isn't with him not setting things up with me, but rather just communicating when he's free and when he's not so I can set up my own calendar.

For example, he texted me Friday afternoon and suggested we go out to dinner. I replied immediately saying I'd promised to meet up with friends but that I was free on Sunday. He didn't reply until early evening on Saturday to say that he was and that we should go for a picnic, by which time I'd already set up a dinner date with someone else because I hadn't heard from him.

I'm dating multiple people as well and yet I never take more than a couple of hours to reply to a text. It only takes a minute to let someone know whether you're available or not and to set up a time/place. This is despite the fact that I'm working and he's off work at the moment.

EDIT:

Maybe the reason I'm getting my knickers in a twist is because I'm very organised; I like to know what my social calendar looks like days in advance and this throws me off.

I get what you're saying.

The back and forth above is what usually takes place between me and my friends when we're trying to organize something to all do together as a group.

This is why I'm saying that the dynamics in your case, seem to appear as a more of a casual approach to dating. Factor in other people with conflicting schedules.

Not all seems lost, because you were able to set up plans with someone else since you didn't hear back from him in time. I guess continue making your plans elsewhere and just let this guy know that you need x, y, and z amount of days in advance to firm up plans.

July 28, 2013

Texting with no reply or late is

Totally rude and a pet peeve

Especially if you've witnessed

Them having there phone at there hip.

I've had a previous problem with a

Guy and I told him and didn't make

A difference. So I would mirror

What he was doing to me. I know silly

But sometimes that's the only way to

Get through people if they had it done

To them. I would suggest u continue

Making your plans and if he REALLY

Wanted to see you, he would have

Arranged it in a timely manner.

Look at this as a sign see if you

Really can "accept" this from him

July 28, 2013

Not all seems lost, because you were able to set up plans with someone else since you didn't hear back from him in time. I guess continue making your plans elsewhere and just let this guy know that you need x, y, and z amount of days in advance to firm up plans.

Thanks, you're right I just need to let him know what's acceptable to me.

It's probably a fundamental difference in how we approach things. He'll ask if I'm available 2 days in the future and I'll say that I am and hear nothing back. Then on the day he'll ask whether we should do this or that and I have to tell him that he didn't get back to me so I'm now doing something else. All this would be resolved if we could just communicate!

Oh dear, this doesn't bode well for the future...

July 28, 2013

Thanks, you're right I just need to let him know what's acceptable to me.

It's probably a fundamental difference in how we approach things. He'll ask if I'm available 2 days in the future and I'll say that I am and hear nothing back. Then on the day he'll ask whether we should do this or that and I have to tell him that he didn't get back to me so I'm now doing something else. All this would be resolved if we could just communicate!

Oh dear, this doesn't bode well for the future...

Maybe, maybe not. It may have more to do with multi-dating vs. anything else. And, maybe that is why he is multi-dating, because he's non committal, doesn't follow through, etc.

I mean, when you're in a relationship, things are a bit different. At least that's been my experience.

July 28, 2013

My advice is to tell him once, in a friendly, casual way, that you would like him to reply quicker when you make plans so you know whether you should keep an evening free for him or not. If he doesn't do that, just keep doing what you are doing - making plans with other people - and put him on the back-burner.

I think when someone is excited about you, they are excited about making plans with you and will try to confirm plans with you ASAP. If he doesn't mind risking you making plans with other people, he doesn't seem to care that much about seeing you. Which at this point may not be a deal-breaker for you, but you should still keep it in mind and not invest too many thoughts and emotions into this at this point.

Good luck!

July 28, 2013

I know exactly what you're feeling, there's this girl I'm interested in and she seemed to enjoy hanging out with me and told me we should hang out again soon. I asked her a few times to hang out but she never really went through with it, made me feel like she's avoiding it but she'll still talk to me. I haven't texted her in a week or two. We're just friends and the moment but I would at least like to hang out and possibly see where things take us but that seems impossible to do. She has a life and I understand that and that's why I'm not too worried over it as I have my own also.

I just don't get it, how she said we should hang out again but then never really follow through with it. I haven't texted her because I don't wanna be that bothersome person and look desperate but I really enjoy this girl's company. Who knows maybe she's playing games or just really trying to avoid me.

I think I asked twice to hang out but it was more avoided than anything.. Through texting. The third time I just threw the ball in her court and said something like we should hang out sometimes, let me know when you're free.

July 28, 2013

That would be a deal breaker for me. It's either flat rude or game playing, either of which are unexceptable.. I dated this one girl for a couple of weeks. We saw each other 2-3 times a week. She start a text conversation and then disappear for hours. Other times, i text her and wait for hours for a reply.

Finally, she texted me she was on her way home to spend the evening with her kids. I called and got her voice mail. 3 hours later, she hadn't replied. This was like the 3rd time she pulled that crap.

She texted me the next day and got ignored and hasn't heard from me since. I don't agree that it matters what stage you are at in regards to communication etiquette. If he's sitting home, there's NO REASON he can't reply in a timely manner other than being a jack wagon, rude or game playing. F-that.. tell him to pack sand..

July 28, 2013

That would be a deal breaker for me. It's either flat rude or game playing, either of which are unexceptable.. I dated this one girl for a couple of weeks. We saw each other 2-3 times a week. She start a text conversation and then disappear for hours. Other times, i text her and wait for hours for a reply.

Finally, she texted me she was on her way home to spend the evening with her kids. I called and got her voice mail. 3 hours later, she hadn't replied. This was like the 3rd time she pulled that crap.

She texted me the next day and got ignored and hasn't heard from me since. I don't agree that it matters what stage you are at in regards to communication etiquette. If he's sitting home, there's NO REASON he can't reply in a timely manner other than being a jack wagon, rude or game playing. F-that.. tell him to pack sand..

F that! Can't she text while driving? And kids don't require THAT much attention. Put in a damn disney movie and tell them to shutup.

As for me? I have my phone on silent 90% of the time. Sometimes leave it in my car for a day. One girl wondered why it took me an hour to respond...sorry let me tell my fitness class to take a break while I check my messages. I might be watching a movie and don't want to be distracted. Or taking a nap. Or on the lake where I don't get reception.

But OP, 2 days to make plans. It probably means he is keeping his options open and you're not his first choice. In the future, be vocal about your expectations. Otherwise you have no right to get upset about it.

July 28, 2013

to me its a game. they see the texts, believe me. I have ZERO tolerance for it. be busy at work, in a meeting but every single time delayed replies? uh uh, no way. not happening.

when I was dating on OLD and got a reply later than 6 hours, there was no more. how long does it take to type "wait honey super busy". I reply as fast as I can. its common courtesy. but to leave a person hanging for hours? and 24 hours? GTFOH!

I am the master of mind games and if I dont play them your ass better not be either cause you will not like it when I start.

Im usually the one on these forums that say fight and make it work out, compared to the others who say move on, but with this, I say move on. hes a douche.

July 28, 2013

You could always call him, leave a voicemail with whatever questions you have, and then have him call you back. I try not to get too worked up about texting. My ex would often respond within minutes, but sometimes it'd take hours. But if I wanted to get something done right then, I'd just call.

July 28, 2013

That is what I have been trying to tell you men/women. There is no way they don't see the text no matter how busy they are. My cousin is a dental student and he has time to text me back. My other cousin is also a dentist as well. He has kids and a wife. He still have time to pick up. I don't know if these people raise rugrats or have more than a dozen kids. They are playing a game. Some people have told me that maybe these people are really busy or have a life. Come on now.... There are 24 hours in a day. You could be going to the restroom late at night and check the phone. You could watch tv or take care of the baby and check the phone. I remember a few years ago I had to go to school for my bachelors in biology. This was before I became a nurse. I went to school from 9 to 3:30. Then I went to work (from home) and then take care of my nephew at the same time. Surprisingly I had time for a gf at the time as well.

July 28, 2013

Wow, thanks so much for all the responses.

After reading what you guys had to say I realised that I really do find his behaviour unacceptable, and at this point I have nothing to lose by talking to him. When you're on the verge of ending things with someone it doesn't really matter what they think of you.

So I called him and basically explained how I felt. He was seemed genuinely shocked that this was an issue and kept apologising. He then asked if we could meet up because he'd been thinking about us and although he doesn't want to pressure me into exclusivity because he understands that my relationship didn't end that long ago and I might be wary of jumping into things, he's decided he has no desire to date anyone else but is happy for me to do what I need to do. And he promised to work really hard at the whole communication thing.

I'm really glad I decided to tell him. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in not wanting to come on too strong or coming across as needy/clingy/creepy that it's easy to forget that talking to people honestly about what we expect from a relationship is the only way to build a decent one.

Thanks again for your help everyone!

July 28, 2013

good for you for standing up and deciding you werent happy with his behavior. you took initiative and communicated what you wanted and didnt like. and good that he realized he needs to make changes. I wish you luck!

July 29, 2013

F that! Can't she text while driving? And kids don't require THAT much attention. Put in a damn disney movie and tell them to shutup.

As for me? I have my phone on silent 90% of the time. Sometimes leave it in my car for a day. One girl wondered why it took me an hour to respond...sorry let me tell my fitness class to take a break while I check my messages. I might be watching a movie and don't want to be distracted. Or taking a nap. Or on the lake where I don't get reception.

But OP, 2 days to make plans. It probably means he is keeping his options open and you're not his first choice. In the future, be vocal about your expectations. Otherwise you have no right to get upset about it.

There's the 'my cell phone is glued to my ass' crowd and the 'i haven't touched my cell phone in 5 days' crowd.

Both are full of it. 24 hours seems reasonable; that's the typical smartphone battery cycle.

July 29, 2013

Hmmmmm....so many excuses. There is no way in hell someone would not know they have a text for 24 hours. If they are getting phone calls and texts from other people during the day, then they can see the messaging icon on their phone and it would show that they have messages waiting. He is either married or he's just not that interested. If he has time to get on the dating site, he has time to reply to your text.

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