waytogo Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Dear everyone who has an unfortunate reason to read here, I am so sorry for your circumstances. I've read some cases where it looks like OW left destruction in her path on her way to a normal great life. I can't say that has never happened. I can say if FBW knew how I intruded in her family's life and how I am now, it would for sure look that way to her. My conscience hurts plenty of times, no matter how far I've been away from the situation or for how long. It took at least two years for me to stop going through my poor husband's things, to be sure he wouldn't be the kind of person I helped another be. I'm not whining about these things. I am amazingly lucky. Guess my point is, when you do the wrong thing, you do pay in ways not expected for a long time. Others that had nothing to do with it may pay right along side you. I'm as sorry as a person can be for what I did. With the time lapse I sure hope things got better, according to everyone's definition in that home.
road Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Many a WW once the affair starts and after the affair ends the become vary suspicious that their BH are doing the same. They saw that their BH never found out about her cheating. So it is very possible their H is out doing the same. Fearing that is no way the same as having it happen that way. 2
Artie Lang Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 i think when most people think of getting off "scot-free," they mean a loss of some kind- loss of marriage/relationship, loss of friends/family, loss of employment; and most of all loss of reputation/community standing. what you describe is paranoia. the thought that the tables can be switched and you can become the betrayed spouse at some point. you seem to have kept your life pretty much intact. many would agree that you probably did get off scot-free..... at least from an outside perspective. 4
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Thanks for taking the time to write this. I appreciate it. I sometimes wonder if any of the women who screwed around with my boyfriend had any consequences whatsoever for what they were doing (a lot of them were married) and it seems like no, they just enjoy the idea of messing up other people's lives. If even one of them has a conscience and feels like you do, I feel a little bit better about the people in my city. 3
2sure Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Waytogo I liked your post, I also have been OW and although I was single at the time , never a DDay, walked away from the A...my life had repercussions for years . Some caused directly by my choice to become comfortable with infidelity. 4
Zenstudent Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 What I often see from WS and fWS is that whatever pain they describe, it's almost never about feeling the pain they inflict on other innocent people. Lack of empathy. Perhaps that's why many people don't see WS' self inflicted pain as "valid pain" - hence scott free. From my experiences(!), WS/OW/OM who can empathize with their victims and learn from their faults also tend to get their pain and feelings validated. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 What I often see from WS and fWS is that whatever pain they describe, it's almost never about feeling the pain they inflict on other innocent people. Lack of empathy. Perhaps that's why many people don't see WS' self inflicted pain as "valid pain" - hence scott free. From my experiences(!), WS/OW/OM who can empathize with their victims and learn from their faults also tend to get their pain and feelings validated. This is an excellent observation. I like to think that it's not because they lack empathy, it's because they haven't ever spent any time investigating the perspective from the other side in a meaningful, objective way. It's not an easy thing to do. 1
ComingInHot Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 BetterThanThis, Great post! I think this is where the "wall" is between the different "sides" of those in or forced to be a part of in an A. I, fortunately, am wired to think of how how others feel 99.999% of the time & how my actions/behaviors will affect them. It keeps me (most times) from making poor choices* I felt empathy & compassion for the exow when she outed the A she had w/my H. I could feel and understand her anger and humiliation at being lied to, used then dumped. Beck I was upset & mad for her. I forgave he on the spot. But She could not or would not see past her own pain & humiliation to understand any of what her outing the A was doing to me... That, I couldn't understand. It took me a looong time to wrap my head around this. The greatest thumb that helped me was reading in the OW/OM forum. It became very clear the absolute Selfishness that an A takes from the two parties. Their pain is Very real. BS' s need to understand that AS MUCH AS, the OW/OM need to try to understand what their actions in the A has done to the BS. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to see how indescribably painful A's are to those affected by them. 3
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 BetterThanThis, Great post! I think this is where the "wall" is between the different "sides" of those in or forced to be a part of in an A. I, fortunately, am wired to think of how how others feel 99.999% of the time & how my actions/behaviors will affect them. It keeps me (most times) from making poor choices* I felt empathy & compassion for the exow when she outed the A she had w/my H. I could feel and understand her anger and humiliation at being lied to, used then dumped. Beck I was upset & mad for her. I forgave he on the spot. But She could not or would not see past her own pain & humiliation to understand any of what her outing the A was doing to me... That, I couldn't understand. It took me a looong time to wrap my head around this. The greatest thumb that helped me was reading in the OW/OM forum. It became very clear the absolute Selfishness that an A takes from the two parties. Their pain is Very real. BS' s need to understand that AS MUCH AS, the OW/OM need to try to understand what their actions in the A has done to the BS. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to see how indescribably painful A's are to those affected by them. Reading and posting on the OW/OM forum is what helps me the most so far. I am heartbroken for some of them, they are isolated and in a lot of cases being told ridiculous lies just like the BS, we have more in common than we do differences. WS is a master at Divide and Conquer- that technique works great 1
Author waytogo Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Interesting replies from all. To clarify, i never cheated on my husband. I never cheated on any past boyfriend either. I was a part of another person's cheating. I recognize it's just as bad. To Artie, true remorse is a very difficult process. To know you were capable of better, knew better but acted as you did anyway? If you truly take responsibility for your actions, that's a horrifying thing to face. I believe if I made excuses, then I'd in some fashion do more of the same. Not necessarily another EMA, but act for myself without thought of who was affected. Because I do take personal responsibility and do care about others, is the only reason I believe I ended up as lucky as I did. I will always be sorry for how thoughtless my behavior was.
krazikat Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 BetterThanThis, Great post! I think this is where the "wall" is between the different "sides" of those in or forced to be a part of in an A. I, fortunately, am wired to think of how how others feel 99.999% of the time & how my actions/behaviors will affect them. It keeps me (most times) from making poor choices* I felt empathy & compassion for the exow when she outed the A she had w/my H. I could feel and understand her anger and humiliation at being lied to, used then dumped. Beck I was upset & mad for her. I forgave he on the spot. But She could not or would not see past her own pain & humiliation to understand any of what her outing the A was doing to me... That, I couldn't understand. It took me a looong time to wrap my head around this. The greatest thumb that helped me was reading in the OW/OM forum. It became very clear the absolute Selfishness that an A takes from the two parties. Their pain is Very real. BS' s need to understand that AS MUCH AS, the OW/OM need to try to understand what their actions in the A has done to the BS. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to see how indescribably painful A's are to those affected by them. CIH, I am right there with you. My h fOW was horrible. If she would have said what she said to me in person, I may have ended up in jail for beating the shyte out of her...and I am not a violent person, she was just.that.bad. I was shocked at the things she was saying to me, shocked that a woman could so brazenly and cruelly speak to another, let alone the wife. I was livid. My favorite line of hers was asking if I liked the taste of her p****y. Just awful. I have always had a hard view on ow, I have known a few of the chaser types, one of my best friends growing up grew into one and we are no longer friends because she put me at risk one time when she tried to make one of her mm bs think I was the one messing around with her h...great friend, right? So I always have thought of ow being like that...and my h fOW is no exception, it was like they went to the same "bit##y ow" school or something. Well, from reading the others board, I have learned so much. Seriously, the only reason why I was able to apologize to fOW for what I had said to her and mean it. Do I like her? Nope. She is not the kind of person I would choose to have as a friend, just as I am no longer friends with my former best friend...I am just not into the drama that comes with those women....but I feel bad for her. I tear up sometimes reading the others board...so many sad, broken, confused, hurting AP's going thru such a hard time, trying to figure out how to deal. It made me realize that the girl who talked crazy to me, told me crazy lies, blew up my phone at 4am, she was devestated. She was hurting. She had been in an A with my h for years...and what she settled for, what she made her whole world about, dropped her like a hot potato when I found out. Her texts and vms after that were pathetic. Begging him to call, texting him that she loves him hundreds of times, to the point that he changed his number because she wouldnt stop, texting him that it will never be over finally attacking my ph phone....and he had already ended the A prior to dday! But they had still been in contact. I have the texts in black and white...he had dumped her. She was going on and on about it, even texting the lovely "You only dump me cuz u feel guilty getting pu$$y" Okay, I am clearly in rambling mode right now, but to keep it ot, no she did not ride into the sunset. Yes, she knew she was in an A and that the PA was over already and she knew that my h was never going to leave me for her and his family was #1...yet she obviously did not get that, thought she would still be able to be his side piece, but when I found out and she realized that was not the case, she broke. And I became the one she blamed. We need to stick together, us women. I would never knowingly sleep with another womans man, married or not. Even in business, and I am in a corporate work environment, and even in this day and age, women are the under dog. We have to work twice as hard to gain any ground on the good ol boys club. And yet, this disfunction between women, this competitive thing that leads to backstabbing and an extra twist in the game of corporate politics. Even as women, some of us have grown into an adult version of mean girls. We demand respect and equality yet disrespect the women who are in the same fight as us... Now I am really ot, but my final comment is that we need to stick together, support each other, respect each other. We are fighting the same fight. And should be on the same side. Am I off base here? 2
ComingInHot Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 First words out of my mouth one the day I met my H, "So, do you have a G/F, are you married?". I wasn't about to get involved w/a M or "taken" man and hurt another woman like that! And O/T be an OW that would have to pay the consequences for such actions. There just was no sunset to ride off into for me in am A or cheating scenario. And now, I have seen it w/my own eyes in the exow my H slept with... Note: I cannot fathom hearing another Human say what the exow said to you!!! Yuck!!! 1
krazikat Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 First words out of my mouth one the day I met my H, "So, do you have a G/F, are you married?". I wasn't about to get involved w/a M or "taken" man and hurt another woman like that! And O/T be an OW that would have to pay the consequences for such actions. There just was no sunset to ride off into for me in am A or cheating scenario. And now, I have seen it w/my own eyes in the exow my H slept with... Note: I cannot fathom hearing another Human say what the exow said to you!!! Yuck!!! Totally! I was absolutely shocked and speechless for about 5 seconds after she finished that tyrade..then I blew up. Then let my H have it. That was a bad, bad day.
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