trevor_middleton Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 so, my ex girlfriend and i dated for 2 years, lived together in these times and went to college together. before this we were very good if not best friends for 6 years before, and always had a level of attraction for the other. she broke up with me, saying she needs space to grow and become a more complete person. that she loves me still, that this was one of the hardest decisions of her life and that she needs this to be more independent and more complete. she felt too reliant on me, and also for spiritual reasons wants to be more connected that way as well. it blindsided me, as after she came back from a church trip overseas, i couldnt wait to see her again. yet almsot the first thing she said after i saw her was about this breakup. i wanted to give her space, but she insists that she cant do it unless the relationship is ended and our obligations to each other are done. she still wears my ring, as a reminder of what she gave up to find herself and go in this direction, and hopes and thinks it would be awesome if we could date later down the road again. she cant guarantee it, because nothing in life is guaranteed, but when i asked if you think you see us together again, she said kinda. and leaned to yes. this is so hard for me, as i love her to death and know ill never find another woman like this with all the history and good moments. we rarely fought, got along very well but i guess our foughts hid her deep desire to be more complete and independent in herself. im supposed to not contact her, but its killing me and i keep relapsing. i met her last night and we talked (she got fustrated at first due to feeling as though we had already discussed this but she cleared up and asked me todine with her), went out to eat and i dropped her off at home ending the night with a few kisses and hugs. do i need to worry? because im having trouble just dealing with myself. any advice is so helpful thank you.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 so, my ex girlfriend and i dated for 2 years, lived together in these times and went to college together. before this we were very good if not best friends for 6 years before, and always had a level of attraction for the other. she broke up with me, saying she needs space to grow and become a more complete person. that she loves me still, that this was one of the hardest decisions of her life and that she needs this to be more independent and more complete. she felt too reliant on me, and also for spiritual reasons wants to be more connected that way as well. it blindsided me, as after she came back from a church trip overseas, i couldnt wait to see her again. yet almsot the first thing she said after i saw her was about this breakup. i wanted to give her space, but she insists that she cant do it unless the relationship is ended and our obligations to each other are done. she still wears my ring, as a reminder of what she gave up to find herself and go in this direction, and hopes and thinks it would be awesome if we could date later down the road again. she cant guarantee it, because nothing in life is guaranteed, but when i asked if you think you see us together again, she said kinda. and leaned to yes. this is so hard for me, as i love her to death and know ill never find another woman like this with all the history and good moments. we rarely fought, got along very well but i guess our foughts hid her deep desire to be more complete and independent in herself. im supposed to not contact her, but its killing me and i keep relapsing. i met her last night and we talked (she got fustrated at first due to feeling as though we had already discussed this but she cleared up and asked me todine with her), went out to eat and i dropped her off at home ending the night with a few kisses and hugs. do i need to worry? because im having trouble just dealing with myself. any advice is so helpful thank you. Hey man....first off, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Its a terrible one to be in and it sucks to have to be in it. Sadly, many of us on here have went through the EXACT situation you have been through...including myself. Actually, almost a carbon copy (minus the 6 years of attraction before that). I'm going to try and be as honest as I possibly can, and some of it you may not like, but just remember many of us have already been in the exact situation and have seen it numerous times. With your lady, the "feelings" and her actions are two completely different things. ALWAYS go with what people do, not with what they say. She knows you are upset and she knows you are emotional. The sayings "I need space to grow" , "to be more independent" "too reliant on you" are to spare you and break it to you more gently. Are they genuine? Sadly, I dont think so. Most importantly, PLEASE get out the possibility of her wanting to date you again later down the road. Her saying that is disrespectful to you and pretty crappy on her part. Something else lies here that you don't see. Many of us don't. Huge warning sign is her making you not contact her and her getting frustrated about talking about it. That, to me, shows other feelings. Is there someone else in the picture? Many of us say there is no way I know for a fact....then there turns out later there is. If there is or isnt shouldnt be your concern....your concern is to be to move forward. Take it from me and MANY of us on here...DO NOT DWELL ON IT. Go no contact honestly.....she wants this, give it to her. Keep talking to her will only agitate her more and keep you stuck in it. I stayed stuck in it for months, to get runarounds about crap. I lost my job, my apartment, my friends....everything. Take control now Do you need to worry? About what? You are the only person that can control you. Worry about you and move forward.
Author trevor_middleton Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 i know for a fact there is no one else. she pretty much put it, if im ready, i would talk to you and restart things. its more of a matter of her own personal desires that have to do with no one other than herself and God, than me. i thank you for the response. what she does, however, is more aligning to wanting to be with me. everytime i've just broken in and seen her, we've talked, reminisced and had pretty good moments. as well, she is helping me move into my new apartment this week. i dont feel like someone who is devoid of feeling, or even anywhere near that, would act in such a way.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 i know for a fact there is no one else. she pretty much put it, if im ready, i would talk to you and restart things. its more of a matter of her own personal desires that have to do with no one other than herself and God, than me. i thank you for the response. what she does, however, is more aligning to wanting to be with me. everytime i've just broken in and seen her, we've talked, reminisced and had pretty good moments. as well, she is helping me move into my new apartment this week. i dont feel like someone who is devoid of feeling, or even anywhere near that, would act in such a way. Yeah neither did any of us. With all of these "moments" you guys are sharing, whats the overall common thing that isnt happening? Is that you guys arent getting back together. Thats the common theme. She wants you to stay around and keep close because change is hard, especially big change. When you truly love someone, the thought of having space scares and possibly losing the other person is too much to handle. It doesnt work like that.....again, words and actions are two completely different things. Sometimes, people are too close to the situation to see what is really going on. What sucks is you dont see it yet. On a side note, you say you are breaking in to see her, you guys talk and what not and things are good. Again, whats the underlining story? Is she begging you to come over because she wants to be with you? Its you going in, then her talking and things are okay....but again, the issues still is you are not together. I can promise you she feels guilty about this and doesnt want to be the bad guy. You keep talking to her and doing this will ONLY lead to bad I PROMISE YOU. I bet my entire life on it. I'll give you an example. It's mine, so it makes it more personal, but there are MANY of mine like this on here. GF of two and a half years broke up with me at our apartment that we lived in and just cried all day. Said she was too reliant on me and that she needed her space to grow. She just cried and said I know you are 'the one' and that this was only temporary...said I know you dont understand and this sucks for her too. I helped her move out and we shared moments and such. We kept texting and her saying things like "You are the one I'm to marry" , "I love you so much please dont be upset" etc etc. I told her I would help her and things would be okay......slowly, my texting/talking stayed the same, but hers became less and less...to which then lead to me texting more because I thought I was losing her. After about a month, I met up with her and she got really impatient with me and told me to stop contacting her. FINALLY came out and said she fell out of love and said there was someone she 'liked' but nothing serious. This coming after days of saying she never wanted to be apart from me and how much she cared. Im not the only story of this. THOUSANDS of people on here have the exact story and they ALL start like yours....and they all say the same thing and later they create a thread where they are broken because of it. Again actions > words. She said EVERYTHING great to me (and many others like yourself), but the actions were different. Her leaving, you finding a new apartment, her going no contact on you unless you start it....are ALL keeping you doormat. She wanted to grow and not be reliant on you...so give it to her. Dont talk to her, move into your new apartment yourself, and let her do her. You do you.
Author trevor_middleton Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 great response man. i appreciate your personal input as well. i find your words very wise and in the interest of my well being. i must ask, how would you fare our chances of getting together again in the future?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 great response man. i appreciate your personal input as well. i find your words very wise and in the interest of my well being. i must ask, how would you fare our chances of getting together again in the future? No problem man. That is why sites like these exist. SO many people here have helped me so much this past year. If there were donations for this site, I would give some of my money To that answer with certainty is like answering if the world is going to end soon. No one really knows the answer to that. The worst part of this (and hopefully it wont be for you) is the constant worrying about it to the point it consumes you. Thats why I said it was pretty crappy on her part to even suggest that she 'wants' to date you again down the road. Ive noticed the dumpees will hold on to those words and will actively try to make that happen sooner rather than later (ex: Texting a bunch, writing letters to them, trying to do romantic gestures like the movies, etc). For the most part, when a girl breaks up with someone, they have thought about it for a while before it actually happens. Hardly ever is it a spur of the moment type thing. She made the decision (for whatever the reasons) to leave so this is where you need to focus on you and you alone. Lets just GO with the reason (which is a good 98% probably isnt) that she needs to be more independent. Will she be when you are still there? Your best (and really) only course of action is to move forward with you. Its probably something you don't want to hear and probably incites a little anger in you when you read that (I know when people told me to move on here, I got mad at them lol because I didn't want that. They didnt understand my situation and I swore I could repair it). In reality, I WISH I could have gone no contact with my ex at first, and many people on here will agree...you probably dont and thats okay because a lot of times, no one will really understand until they live it. I think its probably a bad idea for her to come help you move honestly. I think it will only hurt you worse and just helps her move on quicker knowing that your still around. I cant stop you from making any decision, but just know it probably will not go over too well....not in an arguing standpoint, but the emotions of you wanting to be with her and actually not will get you all flustered and possibly keep asking her about the breakup to the point of annoyance. I'm not going to lie to you: Its going to suck. Heartbreak sucks. Why do you think there are SO many songs about it? With that said, its always darkest before the dawn.....realize you are young and there are always someone else who has it worse somewhere. If it REALLY is meant to be, it will be, but the worst thing you CAN do is stay in this purgatory. Move forward with your own life and keep trucking. Use this site to grieve and ask questions. It will help
Recommended Posts