chershell Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 This guy,...let's call him B, and I had a very strong connection (strong physical attraction, connected romantically through texting a lot, went through the same things, we shared the same life experiences and circumstances! - abusive marriage, divorce/impending divorce, radical Christian families!!) but we could not pursue a relationship...because of circumstances (one was still legally married, though marriage was effectively dead). He decided to cut off contact with me because I was tempting him to sin. We both knew that we would end up in bed if we met each other, just once again, that'd be all it'd have taken. I went away feeling quite heartbroken but respecting his decision, and shortly later had a fling with somebody that I have known around the same time, was attracted to more superficially (we could talk about all kinds of stuff, sure and have fun from each other's companionship) but not the same kind of connection that I had with B. It was like some kinda release for me in a way, because my emotional needs (not to mention sexual) had been unmet for years while trapped in the dead marriage. I contacted B a few months later, after things settled and my divorce was finalized. Upon receiving my text, he called me back immediately and wanted to talk. We talked and he told me that he was actually seeing somebody he met after we stopped speaking but they just broke up. I was a little crushed to know he had a girlfriend, but I hid it and we carried on talking. Catching up, I felt that since he told me about the relationship he was in, I could tell him about my fling too. I did not have any motives, did not want to elicit any reaction or anything. When I decided to tell him, I just thought I should since we were catching up and he told me about his relationship. After he was done talking about his ex girlfriend, I said I met somebody too after we stopped talking. He paused and said you did? And he said immediately, did you sleep with him? I said yes. And he said the weirdest thing. He asked me "Was it good?" First, why would he ask me this? Isn't this question rather strange (and a tad personal) and why would it be on the mind of anyone? Can some men give me some insight? The only person I can imagine being interested in this is a nosy and fun girlfriend. I shrugged it off by saying "I just felt really really bad after it happened, like you said I would". Then he asked me if the guy was married too. I said he's divorced...and my marriage was dead..I added..it just happened.. Next thing I knew, B said he couldn't carry on speaking, and that he is not in a frame of mind or doesn't have the strength to give me anything at this moment, and that he needs to lay down and he needs to get some "personal space". I was totally shocked by what happened and was like "whaaaaat" in my mind..I didn't expect it at all coz we were talking normally the whole time and in fact at the start of the conversation, he told me that when he got my text he thought I was still in the state and he wanted to see me... I think I managed to sneak in a quick question "how do you plan to get space?" He said "I dunno, maybe get close to God or something" and then he started babbling almost...incoherently at this point, saying he needed to lay down and get something to eat, he claimed he hadn't eaten anything all day (it was 3pm at the time) and he needed to go. Then we hung up. From the way I see it, it was like the moment he found out that I met somebody else and slept with him, he couldn't talk to me anymore and totally changed from the way he was when we first talked and he really wanted to get away from the conversation.. I don't understand why he reacted this way, especially in light of the fact that he ACTUALLY GOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP with another girl and I'm pretty sure he slept with her right?! Come on! And I wasn't his girlfriend or anything when it happened. Surely I had the right to do as I chose, as a willing adult? What is going on?? And why did he first ask "Was it good?" What was that about?! I'm so confused and I really miss him. I tried to give him space and waited awhile to contact him again and I did and later he claimed to me that he worked things out with his girlfriend and asked me not to contact him again. I respect that and hadn't contacted him again (and will not). I was just thinking what went wrong in that conversation.. I still miss him much and think of him almost every day. I will not contact him again because of what he's told me and actually I feel quite bad for telling him my feelings when he has a girlfriend (of course I didn't know then that he met somebody). If he has a girlfriend that he's happy with, I'm happy because with her, he has a real future with.. (I'm not living close to him now at all)..I just feel sad for myself. And still wonder why he reacted that day the way he did.
esteem-jam Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 You hurt him. I think he was keeping you as a special treasure for a special case. You ruined that image. Men are posessive like that, even religious ones, see? Its sort of that old case of "man can sleep with many, but woman cant". You hurt him, he wont invest emotions into you, I predict.
Author chershell Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 (edited) Hypocritical double standards such like this is unacceptable in America. A guy who also cheated on his ex wife and then later got together with somebody while we were not in contact has a problem with me getting together with somebody while I wasn't committed to him? If i was such a special treasure to him, why didn't he wait for me to become divorced?? This nutjob is crazy and has serious psychiatric issues. I see it crystal clear now. Thanks. Edited July 28, 2013 by chershell 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I'm in complete agreement with you. Delete all contact and block further involvement. He has what would appear to be control issues: One rule for him, but quite another for 'you'. "double standards' doesn't begin to cover it. He has seriously warped views....sadly, mental issues are made more complex when religion is involved. His perceptions become extreme, yet highly confused.
esteem-jam Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Just my thoughts, you can ignore them, maybe I was wrong even in the first response. I think you are approaching this wrong. Or you dont know how to, or who the f knows how his mind works. But Ill try to explain. I dont think you have to say "Im sorry" to him, because you had your reasons and nothing was communicated prior it seems. But in his mind it is you who is the bad one. So you have to fix the damage you done (from his view). Imagine a sphere, and you took away a part from it. Now, in his mind, it is your task to give back what was taken from this sphere, to fill the lost part. Why did the two of you meet there? Why, for what reason does a man and woman meet? I think it was to start something new. From his reaction, he liked you, then gets the bad news - and goes passive aggressive about how good that sex was. You also have to look like this - he did not want to seem weak, that he imagined a great future and etc, which he did. It could make him look stupid, to be the only day-dreamer of this relationship. So he "ran" away to protect his feelings. The feelings were there. He liked you. It seems you are upset with this ending too. I think you wrote "nutjob" in anger. Because your feelings were hurt too. He liked you. You liked him. The question is - do you like him enough to reach out? To "extend and olive branch" as they say here. Remember about the sphere example. But I also have to say that at one point he will have to forgive you. Cause it can go into bad loop - you try to be good for him, and he just acts like "still not good enough". You have to call him out on that, ask if it is really ground zero, the starting point of new RS and no ill feelings, or... Ok this was just my fantasising and thoughts, you can ignore it ;p
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