Wife cheated with my best friend

[whatnow215]

I have been with my wife for 14 years(4 years married) From my perspective I consider her the only one, my soulmate that I would never be able to live without there is no one else i have any feelings for. We have two boys 12 and 2. Last week I happened to see a text message come through from my best friend on her phone while we were standing in the kitchen.

 

I thought nothing of it until i looked at her phone and realized she had deleted the texts. I immediately confronted her about it and she told me that yes she has been texting him for the past month but that its nothing physical. I kept asking questions and she admitted that she has gone to meet him at a local park only a few times and has only kissed him but was adamant about not "making out" or anything sexual.

 

She was meeting him to try and get all of this off her mind and bring closure so she can devote herself 100% to me and the family but it got away from her. I believe her but there is always going to be my imagination running away. She says she has had "deep" feelings for him since the day she met him way back when we were still teenagers and still does. She says she doesn't know how to make the love for him stop and is afraid of losing me. We sat and had a big discussion and I gave her an ultimatum that if she truly loves me and wants to try to salvage this marriage she has to never talk to him or see him again, ever.

 

I have already removed him from my thoughts forever, in my mind he is dead to me. I later asked her more questions and asked her if she loves him and has admitted that she does but it is in a different way and that she loves both me and him but it is completely separate somehow. She explained how she feels like she is stretched thin with our finances and her 2 jobs and that I never hold her hand or hug her or show her affection unless its going to lead to sex. I wish she could understand that I don't see it as just sex. I see it as the pinnacle of our love. I mean it's how humans have been expressing total love and appreciation of each other for all of time.

 

It hurts me when she shows no interest in intimacy unless i practically beg. I guess I just don't understand how you can say you love someone but not want to initiate any intimate moments. Why do I always have to come begging to her every few weeks after I can't take it anymore? I can't be blamed in thinking that her lack of desire has something to do with the situation or something is wrong with me and is causing the situation. If you love someone wouldn't you want to become one with them as often as possible? It hurts me to the core.

 

She broke down crying and said how she doesn't know if she can cope with never seeing him again but will try for me. I want what will make her happy and I don't want to be the one who denies her possible true love. I truly do believe that she does want to stay with me and that she does love me but I don't know how I can cope with the thought that at times she will think about what could have been if she was with him.

 

Will she 20 years from now regret her decision? Will he always be on her mind? Will she break down and try to see him again? These are all questions that I don't know how to handle for the rest of my life. I love her too much to just give up but I feel so lost. I feel as though this can still work and the thoughts are mutual from her so what do I do now.

 

Do I try to just forget it and trust that she will do the same and we can just move on despite any feelings she may still have? Or should I save us all any possible heartache in the future and just end this now?

Edited July 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HEY2147]

if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second

 

Good luck if your decision

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's lying to you. More happened than just a couple of kisses. She wouldn't be sobbing and carrying on about losing this guy she only shared a few kisses with.

 

See, cheater's, when they confess, will only tell you the bare minimum of what's going on to make it seem not as bad as what it truly is.

 

I know you want to trust, but to be honest, she not going to let this guy go. So, you have to get proof. Get some Voice Activated Recorder's (VARs) hide one or two VARs in the house. Places where she spends the majority of the time while on the phone. Another thing you can do is go to the hardware store and buy some heavy duty Velcro and use it on a VAR and secure it under the seat of her car. Most cheaters do their communicating while driving.

 

Put a keylogger on the home computer. Find out who's been emailing her and what. Look over credit cards bills for the last few months and see if there's any unusual purchases that have been made. Also, get an itemized bill for your phone plan, she who she's talking to and how much.

[2sunny]

My gut, too, says she is minimizing her involvement with your best friend.

 

What does your ex friend say?

 

You cannot just forgive (and forget) especially when she still has deep feelings for HIM!

 

Get her truth! You need more info from her. She's not being honest.

 

SHE has a problem. SHE needs to deal with it and change herself IF you intend to try and work on the M.

 

Has she cut off ALL forms of communicating with him yet?

 

What is she willing to change about herself to repair the damage she caused?

[Try]

She was meeting him to try and get all of this off her mind and bring closure so she can devote herself 100% to me and the family but it got away from her. I believe her but there is always going to be my imagination running away.

What she just said here is a load of bull that does not even make any sense, why would you believe her? And it is not your imagination that is running away, it is the realization of the truth that she is having an affair.

 

It hurts me when she shows no interest in intimacy unless i practically beg. I guess I just don't understand how you can say you love someone but not want to initiate any intimate moments. Why do I always have to come begging to her every few weeks after I can't take it anymore? I can't be blamed in thinking that her lack of desire has something to do with the situation or something is wrong with me and is causing the situation.

You cannot be blamed for thinking that her affair has something to do with the lack of intimacy issues that you are having in your marriage. This is a common thing that often happens when your spouse is getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Cheaters lie. Your wife is a cheater. She is lying. The affair is sexual and has been going on for much longer than a month. You will have to learn this the hard way as every time people first post to these boards they think that they are the exception.

 

She broke down crying and said how she doesn't know if she can cope with never seeing him again but will try for me. I want what will make her happy and I don't want to be the one who denies her possible true love.

It is not true love. Affairs are new and exciting. Affairs produces brain drugs that are addictive. Your wife is addicted to the affair. Affairs are a fantasy that real life cannot compete with. When people get a divorce because of an affair, only 3% go on to have long term success with their affair partner, because the affair relationship cannot survive real life.

 

She does not sound committed to breaking it off. You cannot be weak. You must be strong in demanding full no contact and full transpancy which includes all passwords without complaint. You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a marraige worth saving. If she continues to say that she will try to end it but cannot promise, tell her that you promise to end the marriage if she does not end the affair.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The truth is always a good place to start.

 

What do you believe the truth to be?

 

I know you want to believe your wife, but you just caught her deleting texts to and from another man, you just had her admit to lying to you (at least by omission) for the entire duration of your relationship by not being honest about her relationship with the other man. You can't really believe her if she says this phase has only been going on for a month, that they only "kissed" but didn't "make out" (ever feel like you're back in seventh grade?), and they never had sex. All probably lies and minimizations. Going forward, believe only what you can independently verify or what is supported by her actions.

 

Get a voice-activated recorder and put it under the seat of her car with Velcro. Cheaters love to talk in the car. You should catch her confiding in a girlfriend or talking to the other man within a week, two tops.

 

Check out the phone bill and see when the calls/texts started.

 

Look at the credit card bills and the bank statements.

 

Back off and lay low on the subject of other man for a week or two until you have more evidence of what is going on from the voice-activated recorder.

 

You could try appealing to your wife's sense of compassion, tell her that after 14 years together two kids, through good times and bad, at least she owes you the truth. You're better off going undercover, I doubt she would come clean on her own. It's just too shameful for her due to the length and depth of the betrayal and the fact that it is with your friend. If she admitted it, she would be terrified you would expose it to others and the embarrassment she would feel. Her current story, a peck on the lips, both of them exerting maximum self control, isn't anywhere near as damaging and, she believes, almost admirable of her and him the way they showed such restraint. In the current story, she doesn't think she's a "cheater."

 

Her current story about being deeply in love and meeting in secret but not even "making out" never mind having sex, does not make the least bit of sense. They wouldn't meet up just for a sterile closed-mouth kiss. Only a betrayed husband clouded up by wishful thinking would believe the story your wife told.

 

After you get the truth, or at least closer to it, you will be better able to decide how you want to proceed.

 

Does he have a wife or girlfriend? A family?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I hope you also can see how unfair her comparison - and you giving any credence to her comparison - is.

 

With him, it was not a "real" relationship with "real-life" problems that you faced with your wife. No changing diapers, no sick kids, no problems paying bills, no cars breaking down - if that happened to her at all, it happened with you. All he got was the "I want you," "you're so sexy," "we're soul mates," and all that romantic stuff. When her tire was flat, she called you. While you grumpily fixed the tire (ever see anyone happily fixing a flat?), she stood there texting back and forth with him how much they loved each other and were meant to be together.

 

Can you see how uneven this playing field is?

 

Yet, in her mind, he is "caring" and "considerate" and "affectionate." I bet her first words to him when he called were never, "Guess what trouble your son got into in school today," or " the washing machine is broken," or "the baby has a fever, we're going to have to take him to the doctor." Her first words to him were never anything other than, "Oh, I missed you so much sweetie, I can't wait to see you again." No wonder he and she are so darn affectionate with each other, they never talk about a single real-world problem (other than how to lie to you and cheat behind your back).

 

Guess what? If she had picked him all those years ago to settle down and start a family with, you would be the one she would be calling now to try to have an affair with.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but she is in total damage control. Look at the facts.

1. She admits to always loving him.

2. She admits going to a park to engage in kissing hugging etc. They are grown adults. Do you honestly think they would stop at hugging.

3. She has had no problem engaging in this behavior even though she knows he was your best friend.

4. She has constantly lied to your face about this relationship.

5. She admits the fear of losing you which is more than likely because she engaged in physical intimacy with him.

 

She has clearly shown by her actions that she has little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Is the OM married. If yes you need to confront his wife or girlfriend. I would confront him and tell him your wife admitted to sleeping with him and see what he says. Good luck.

[Coolit]

I'm a ww. And one who came 100% clean thanks to this site. I knew from what I read on here it was the biggest step I could take. And that meant confessing to some pretty terrible things. It was shameful and embarrasig and hurt my innocent husband and me.

 

I am not usually one to jump on the "she's lying" train of thought but... There is a very good chance she is. Do you want to know if she is? I would recommend doing a little digging for your own piece of mind if you really do want to know.

 

But even if she is telling the truth would you want to be with someone who is pining for another? She is obsessing over him and that is not healthy.

[bubbaganoosh]

First thing you should know is that your best friend is NOT your best friend. If he was, you wouldn't be here would you? Second thing I would do is not pussy foot around this situation longer than I have to. I would tell your wife that she's feeding you a line of bull and you don't appreciate it and if she's really wanting to make the marriage work then submit to a polygraph test. let her know that it's either my way or the highway on this and that you have no intention of playing the part of the fall back guy.

 

If she gives you a hard time about it, then you know that there is more than what she's telling you. Please. If you read a lot of these threads in this and other forums, you find people that want the truth but are too scared to find out so they drag their feet, lose their hair, lose 30 pounds, can't sleep, eat or function at their job and at the end, there a shell of what they once were.

 

One other thing. I would let your best friend know in no uncertain terms that you know, and let your wife know that any more contact with him and you'll help her pack and she can go with him.

[Artie Lang]

it sounds like she's telling you she's in love with two people, where you only signed up for one.

 

seriously, now...... can you actually reconcile with the fact that she loves another man.

[aliveagain]

The truth is they always lie, it's usually a lot worse than they admit to. Time to give her your truth, that you would rather be on your own than having to share her with your best friend, I guess that should be former best friend because no best friend would ever do that to someone they really cared about. To bring reality into her life, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, you still don't know how this is going to turn out. Don't be waiting on her to decide your future, do it for her otherwise all you will end up with is a cake eater, she'll drag it out until you can't take it anymore. This is what she's hoping for, you hanging around while she tests out your buddy. Your healing won't start until you take actions that are the best for you, you need to become just as selfish as she is, focus on you because this is about your survival. She has shown you her commitment by throwing a hand grenade into your marriage.

 

Read up on the 180, it will help you get through this regardless of the outcome. You may still believe that she is the prize, truth is it's the other way around. Is the OM in a relationship? If he is, expose them as nothing kills a secret relationship faster than exposure. If she suggests a separation just tell her you would rather file because a separation is just a interview for your replacement without the guilt. Divorce takes time, you can stop it anytime up until the final decree. Why did she marry you if she felt this way about your friend? Was marring you a way to keep close to him? These are confusing times for you, get a copy of Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends", it really helped me. Don't make the same mistakes so many of us have made, you can't nice her back into your marriage, you can't make someone love you that is in love with someone else and assume she has already left the marriage because how else can you make any logic of her openly dating him while married to you.

[road]

Must Do

 

Schedule a polygraph for your WW. Time after time has shown just a kiss means the had sex. Just banged once means the did it lots of times.

[BetrayedH]

Unless they're a couple of 12 year olds, they've had sex.

 

If I had a nickel...

 

The calls for you to quietly go into investigative mode are correct. If you want an alternate suggestion, file for divorce and watch the truth come spilling out. If it doesn't come out, keep going with that divorce because your wife isn't even remorseful for the watered-down version of the affair she's admitted.

[BeholdtheMan]

Do I try to just forget it and trust that she will do the same and we can just move on despite any feelings she may still have? Or should I save us all any possible heartache in the future and just end this now?

How about you walk and see if she tries to fight for your marriage? If she puts in a lot of effort, maybe you can consider reconciliation. If not, you separate/divorce and move on.

 

This is the most effective course of action to shock a cheating wife out of her affair fog.